4 Yo Hitting

Stop punishing bad behavior and start praising good behavior more. Its easy to not notice the good things (because you get a little time to do stuff) but right now you are giving him negative feedback all the time and punishing instead of taking the time to get down on his level and use things as a teaching moment.

you need to develop a strong core parenting philosophy and go back to the basics whenever you encounter something like this. trying to respond to disciplinary problems by throwing everything but the kitchen sink at them is confusing for children. the reason nothing works is because you have to give it time to work. and NOTHING works all the time. figure out a go-to strategy and an emergency back-up strategy and stick to 'em so your very, very, very young child learns what the parameters are. if you keep shifting, he has no solid ground from which to figure out how to tackle the rest of the world.
don't focus on 'he loves daddy more.' all kids go through this. he's only 4, far too young to be ruling your emotions. you be his strong place to stand, and that means he can't rock you off your center by doing 4 year old things like 'i don't love you'.
never allow him to hit you, and yes, for the sakes of all the gods, don't hit him back. every toy that gets flung your way is IMMEDIATELY confiscated. put it somewhere he can't get to it, and make sure you keep it from him long enough to sting ie don't give it back as soon as he calms down. he needs to truly understand that throwing a toy at you is so heinous that he won't get to play with that toy for a day or more.
when a fist flies in your direction you catch it, look him directly in the eye and say firmly 'you may not hit mommy' and put him wherever it is you put him when he's acting out, but not close to you. banishment from your presence is your most effective consequence, and should always be your first resource. the worst thing you can do is to mirror his 4 year old loss of control by hitting when he hits and yelling when he yells. all you're doing then is reinforcing typical 4 year old behavior. stay calm and strong, and have a chair or a corner or a room or a couch where he goes and stays until the storm has passed. once he's calmed down you can have very short, age-appropriate discussions with him. no long lectures or philosophical treatises. 'i know you want daddy to give you your bath. he's busy right now and can't do it.' 'you sound very angry right now. time for you to sit down in your quiet place until you can use your words and speak politely to mommy.' 'we don't hit in our family. if you can't keep your hands to yourself you need to go be by yourself. you may not hit me.'
worry less about 'bonding' with him (you're more bonded than you think) and focus more on being the strong rock that he needs in his changeable little world.
khairete
S.

I would STOP all the negative feedback = you are yelling, hitting and punishing and START modeling the behaviors you want to encourage. Four is old enough to understand that hitting is wrong and what behaviors he should do instead. You need to give him the tools he needs to get what he wants in a way that is acceptable. Right now - he wants something, he hits - you yell and punish. The original want or need is never addressed.

Please take a look at Laura Markham's site ahaparenting.com. It is fantastic.

Ditto Suz and Diane D.

Everything Suz T. said.

I would also add that you explain to him what is going to happen 'out of the moment', like tomorrow during your bedtime routine:

"Mommy loves you more than anything. We've had a problem lately, you are hitting me when you are angry. I know what it's like to be angry, and to not know what to do. From now on we are going try these things instead of hitting [...] and if you lose your temper and hit, mommy will have to give you a consequence [...]. Remember that I love you sooo much because you are good and sweet and wonderful."

Good luck.

Unfortunately, you did not teach him to respect you. What you SHOULD have done when he was well below age 1 was to stop the hitting then. Now he's been doing it for four years and guess what? It's a habit that won't die easily. But you better make it die because when he's 12 and he hits you, you're going to get hurt. When he goes to hit you, you have to grab his arm/hand BEFORE he hits you, get down to his level and tell him very sternly that he WILL NOT HIT ME (YOU) EVER AGAIN. Go to your room and stay there until I tell you you can come out. And leave him there for at least 30 minutes. Do that EVERY TIME he goes to hit you. Stop him, tell him, remove him. Daddy has apparently instilled respect and that's why he likes daddy better. Kids like boundaries and those who impose/enforce them,

I'd take a close look at how daddy handles his son's frustration and anger. There's something you're not doing, here mama. This isn't about him so much as it's about how you're teaching him to handle his emotions. You're playing a dictator role, and his only response is full out revolt. It's most likely that daddy is engaging with him conversationally and emotionally. Even though you might spend more time with him, daddy is giving him a level of engagement in which he feels validated.

Take a big step back away from your hurt feelings when he says he doesn't love you or only loves daddy. This is a developmentally typical "preschool emotional terrorist" negotiation technique. He's figured out a way to get to you and he uses it because he has not yet figured out how to navigate his emotions. Expecting him to know not to say that because it hurts your feelings is an adult response. Just brush it off. Respond with a thoughtful, "Hmmm. I see." No anger or hurt. Don't response to preschool emotional terrorism with a guilt trip (which is really adult emotional terrorism).

When he takes a swing, do what Suz says. Grab his little paw and say "we don't hit." But instead of disengaging, I suggest totally engaging. "Wow. You seem really mad. You really want that _____." And then listen. Give him a listening face and make listening noises. And ACTUALLY listen. "Oh, I hear you. So you want to stay here. Hm. I wish we could stay another hour. Or three! Or alllll day!" Smile. "Oh, but what did we talk about doing next? We need to go pick out a thing at the store. I need your help with that." Wait for a response. It's likely that he will come up with a solution that is just what you wanted him to do. :-)

We moms often have a tendency to order and boss our little ones around without consideration for the fact that our little ones are human beings and we have to teach them to behave like human beings. Ordering them around and then not considering the effects of our authoritarian demeanor is not the child's problem....it's ours.

Actually feeling heard and helping kids to identify their emotions will reduce physical outbursts. I suggest you read "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk." It totally changed my mindset when it comes to engaging with my kids.

Good luck.

This is so very typical, and so very frustrating.

Kids go through phases of "preferring" one parent over the other, but it's meaningless in the grand scheme of things. On some level, they know it gets you going, so don't play into it.

With 4 year olds, you can't have delayed consequences. So taking away TV later on or tomorrow or even in 10 minutes isn't effective at this age. And never, ever threaten on something you can't or won't deliver on - like Santa not coming.

Don't hit - you are teaching him that HIS way is correct, that it's okay to hit when you get frustrated. It does not teach them that hitting hurts, which is your intent. It teaches them that hitting is okay. It's completely undermining what you are trying to do.

The reason "nothing works" is that you are trying too many things. Kids need, and want, consistency. Read Mel R.'s response below - she's got so much good stuff to say! Walk away, and tell him you are walking away when he hits or throws things. Then do not engage any more - no more lecturing, no more explaining - just one statement and then leave. It is what he dislikes the most. Do not engage in a tantrum, do not yell back - it just escalates it. You have to do the opposite - dial it down, show that there is no payoff whatsoever to throwing and screaming and hitting. If you have to, put him in his room and shut the door (put a childproof doorknob cover on the inside if you have to, so he can't get out).

Toys that get thrown get put in a big bin or basket, and put out of reach. Immediately. Don't discuss it, just say, "We don't throw toys, or they go away." Put it where he can't get at it - but if he can see it, great. A nice clear plastic bin is perfect, up on the closet shelf or in the rafters of the garage. If all his toys wind up in there, so be it. When my kid threw things, they went in the attic or the garage - and I took away stuff he didn't throw too. If he was going to throw toys, they all went away if he persisted. I left him with books, his special stuffed animals and blankie (comfort items) - you never take away what calms them down. But the "luxuries" want away until he could take care of them.

Do not give in to him. Do not let your desire for a hug or a snuggle get in the way of this. He WILL come around. Remember that kids need consistency, they need to know what the boundaries are, and they are actually reassured by this.

Do not let your husband comfort him when you turn your back though. You and your husband have to be completely in sync and have the same standards. If your child throws a toy at you or because he is mad at you, and if your husband is closer, then your husband picks up the toy and puts it in the "throw" bin. Your husband cannot engage in the tantrum either or lecture him about not treating Mommy this way - your husband walks away too. There has to be absolutely NO benefit to your child for throwing or screaming - he loses everything he cares about (parents' attention, toy, audience).

You'll find this doesn't take much longer than a month, maybe less. Stay with it!

Pick him up, put him in his bedroom, tell him he cannot come out until he's calmer and that he can cry as loud as he wants to in his own room, then shut the door and don't let him out.

He'll get the idea he cannot act like that.