3Rd Grader Thinks Her Teacher Does Not like Her

Well, just talk to the teacher and go from there.
As of right now you are only hearing one side of the story, from a child.

For our schools, it is approaching conference time and each grade level K-5 has a conference in at this time so teachers and parents can connect. I think this is important, especially at the beginning of the semester so everyone is communicating and on the same page.

Children are very sensitive and your child may feel like she is picked on when she is not. I am in the classroom a lot as a regular sub and I've found if 1 child wants to go to the locker, then 5 others want to go and then your class is disrupted. So, I limit trips to the locker and water fountain. I am much more lax with my restroom rules because I honestly don't know if a child has an emergency and the last thing I want is for a child to be embarrassed if there was an accident. I have bathroom passes 1 for girl and 1 for boy and if both happen to be in use when I am asked I will allow another person to go. I usually figure things out quickly when I see someone playing in the hand washing station, etc.

I don't think your daughter is doing anything wrong, I do think she is sensitive which is ok too. Yesterday I was in PE and 2 little girls in line up could not for the life of themselves stop talking. So, I separated them. You would have thought they both lost their best friends due to the sobbing that occurred. I was talking to one of the little girls and she told she was upset because she thought she was bad and upset me. I explained that she was not bad, we just have to have eyes on the teacher when I am explaining what is going to go on that day and we don't waste time.

I see nothing wrong with a nicely toned email or planned conference with your daughter's teacher so that you are both communicating and know expectations. If possible, volunteer in your daughter's classroom and understand the why's and how's the teacher runs the classroom. There are some students, usually 1-2 per class that we do have to be more strict with to maintain control because of behavior issues. We only have behavior charts for the children we have behavior issues with because we use those charts for a reward system to the treasure box or other fun things for the child to try to achieve.

Good luck!!

Why would you not know how to bring this up to the teacher? "Ms. Smith, my daughter seems to think you don't like her and it's affecting her school experience. This is unusual for her. Can you help me understand what is going on?" Why is that hard? With both of my children, third grade was a turning point. The work got a little harder, expectations were a little firmer, both of them ended up pulling cards whereas neither of them ever had before or has since. They had the same third grade teacher - she is stricter than the others and third grade is a developmental turning point. Both of them thought she hated them because they had never had expectations like that, but she said nothing but glowing things about both of them. This situation is probably the same, but you'll never know if you won't go talk to her. You're the mom - it's your job to communicate with her.

I was in the same boat with my youngest daughter. Her 3rd grade teacher liked boys more than girls and 1 boy figured it out pretty fast. He'd poke at my daughter and whisper terrible things. She's ignore it as much as possible but when she's finally turn around and ask him to please stop she'd get in trouble every single time.

At my teacher conference in October I brought my concerns to the teacher and she basically wrote it off as my daughter being sensative. Yes she is but that doesn't mean Chris isn't picking on her every single day. I finally said that perception is reality to a child so if my daughter's perception is that you hate her then that's her reality. We can agree to disagree but as an adult professional it was the teacher's job to correct this problem.

Be your daughter's voice. It doesn't matter if she is being sensitive. The teacher is a professional who has training in dealing with all children with all personalities. She needs to know so that she can work with your daughter to make things better.

Children frequently associate discipline with like/dislike. The parent says, "Make your bed" and the child thinks, "Mom hates me." There is often an increase in discipline and expectations in 3rd grade (and periodically going forward) because kids are older and can do more.

Your daughter didn't notice how many other kids were not allowed to get up to do X Y or Z, only herself. Maybe the other child was allowed to get water because he had finished his work, had been on task, hadn't asked for 20 other things, etc. Maybe the teacher had a bad day. Your daughter hates to be corrected, so this "no water" thing stuck with her - instead of moving on to her work, she got all agitated about it. From there, she could have lost focus throughout the day and really looked for examples of the teacher not liking her.

Absolutely talk to the teacher - a professional will have dealt with this before and will be able to give you some feedback on what's going on. You don't know "how" to bring it up? Just be direct - send an email saying that Susie is in a phase of not liking school and feeling that she's being corrected more than others. Indicate that your daughter is a people pleaser. Say that you notice nothing on the behavior chart, so what feedback can the teacher give you on this and what should you do/say?

Then tell your daughter that expectations are rising, she needs to be a little less sensitive, the teacher is trying to control 22 kids who want water when they want it, who get distracted, who make enough noise that the teacher has to raise her voice to be heard. Part of growing up is learning to get along and learning to like different kinds of people and teachers with different styles. When you hear from the teacher, you can add to that.

You and the teacher are both adults. There is nothing wrong with you calling or emailing her, telling her that you need to come in and talk to her.

Sit down at your meeting and tell her how your daughter is feeling. Tell her that you know that you know her not liking your daughter isn't the case, but could she please help her daughter get past this, as it is affecting her feelings about school in general.

The teacher probably has no idea that she is coming across to your daughter this way.

I felt that way about one teacher in high school, M.. She called me by my last name. I had it in my head that she didn't like me. Everytime she looked at me, I got the willies. My dad called her and talked to her about it. She softened up and I felt better.

Please just talk to the teacher.

You've gotten great advice here, but I would add, could you possibly volunteer to spend some time in the classroom? Your presence would indeed change everyone's behavior, but you'd get a better feel for how the teacher generally is.

Just a thought.

I nearly always use the direct approach. I would talk with the teacher. Start out asking how your daughter is doing. Tell her that your daughter says she's not liking school and ask for ideas to help her. Only mention her not liking the teacher if it feels safe to do so. You can mention the incidents that your daughter us unhappy about.

I can imagine an acceptable reason for both of the incidents to happen that your daughter felt happened because she thought the teacher doesn't like her. I suggest that the teacher just has a personality that your daughter hasn't experienced yet. I say this in part because I remember feeling that someone didn't like me several times both as a young child and then later as a young adult in a new career.

As a child, my mother would talk with me suggesting possible alternative reasons for behavior I felt bad about. She went to the school to meet the teacher and came back to tell me she liked the teacher and reassured me that the teacher liked me. This helped me to see the teacher in a different way.

I suggest you need to get to know the teacher before you decide what is happening.

You could also talk with the school counselor if this continues to be a concern.

We also don't know if your daughter is being sensitive or if there really is a problem. Talk to her teacher and try and see if you can gain insight from that.

Good luck.

My daughter said the same thing about her 3rd grade teacher. Turns out her personality was more like a coach (she was the high school soccer coach for girls) and basically didn't accept anything but the best from the kids. She was funny, but my daughter didn't understand her sarcasm, and she was tough. She was especially tough on the girls (again, girl's soccer coach). So, my daughter had a very tough time in the beginning, but then grew to love her and now thinks of her as one of her favorite teachers. Try to give it some time, but it wouldn't hurt to try to get to know the teacher a little and see what her style is. I had to explain to my daughter that it wasn't that her teacher didn't like her, she just has an out-going, matter-of-fact way of teaching. She started to feel more comfortable mid-year, but wasn't completely over it until 4th grade. They do blends here. In 4th, she loved her.

I had a teacher that hated me in the 5th grade. The feeling was mutual. As a kid I didn't get why, but as an adult I'm sure it was because I spoke my mind even at 10. She was an English teacher and she made us do these political updates every day on the Iranian Hostage Crisis that was happening back then. I was quite verbal as to why we would/should do that in an English class, not to mention that we were 10 and 11 years old kids. My mother had to intervene when she started failing me on technicality's like not writing my name strait on the paper and dumb stuff like that. After the meeting with my mom and the principle she just stopped talking to me, which was better than her being mean and trying to humiliate me in front of the rest of the class. She was the worst teacher I ever had and I am so grateful that my mother believed me and stepped in to do something about it.

Do you have a parent-teacher conference coming up? That is where I would address it. You are only getting one side of it...children often have a very narrow viewpoint of the truth. For example, my first grader came home upset the other day because she had been moved to a different desk...and she was the only one. This was how she viewed it. I dropped her off at school the other day and the entire classroom desk structure had been moved.

I would give the teacher the benefit of the doubt and talk to her. Tell the teacher that your child is getting the impression that she is not liked. See what the teacher says and if the situation gets better. I do agree that teachers do not like every child, but I don't think that you can necessarily make this conclusion yet...

Your daughter could just be sensitive. Around third grade the teachers stop babying kids so the kids have big adjustments to make.

In my experience teachers don't raise their voices for no reason. I raise my voice at children all the time and it doesn't mean I don't like them, but just that I want to get a point across.

As for the water bottle I see things like this all the time. One child asks to do something, it is a reasonable request and permission is granted. Suddenly 5 other kids have the same request because they saw the first student do it. Now it is just disruptive, so permission is not granted to the rest of the students who asked.

I would assure your daughter that the teacher is just doing her job and monitor the situation. Chances are your daughter will get used to being treated like a grade three student.

Hi M.,

This may just be your daughter's first experience with a teacher who isn't warm and fuzzy. It seems like that is typical for 3rd grade. My son had the sweetest, warmest second grade teacher last year, and had a rude awakening this year.

I wouldn't say anything to the teacher just yet. The year has really just begun. I would just quietly keep a little log of the things your daughter tells you, and if it gets to be frequent or your daughter's personality starts to change, then you should definitely speak to the teacher.

I was verbally and emotionally abused by my 3rd grade teacher and she wrecked my self esteem. Because of this, I am always on high alert when my children start a new school year. When my kids have complained, which thankfully hasn't been often, I take extra care to make sure it's not just a case of my child(ren) being too sensitive (which they are) vs. the teacher being abusive.

Best wishes!

Please, please, please for your daughter's sake, communicate with the teacher. My son had a teacher like this and he started being "sick" every morning & not wanting to go to school. He finally admitted to me that Mrs. X did not like him. Granted, he was older than your daughter (6th or 7th grade), but doesn't matter. The same teacher had been very rude to me in front of a lot of parents at parents' nite. I realized really quickly that she indeed DID NOT like my son because of what she said to me. I always hated to "make waves" as I didn't want it taken out on my child. However, out of desperation to get him to leave the house one morning, I told him I would write her a note. I simply grabbed a piece of paper & wrote, "My son FEELS (& I underlined FEELS) like you do not like him. He is getting up with a stomachache every morning & no longer wants to come to school. Please help! Well, that's all it took. I think she was a good teacher & apparently had some kind of personality conflict with him. That afternoon he came home & she had put him on the Quiz Team which competed with other schools, etc. I could tell that she realized immediately & made an about-face. That was the end of our problems. We had another situation with a grandson at church. The leader was an excellent children's leader but a friend who helped him recognized that he was being overly h*** o* my grandson. She called him on it & it was a similar situation, kind of a personality conflict & he had no clue that he was acting that way. He too changed immediately & it made all the difference. Teachers are human too & cannot help being drawn to some children more than others for whatever reason. However, the expectation would be that they would not allow that bias to show and certainly not in the form of treating a child badly even in subtle ways because of a conflict. They still as a professional and as an adult need to control their feelings & action toward the child so that it is not perceived. A "good" teacher will do that. If when it is brought to her attention, she doesn't change (which I think she will), please for your child's sake, go to the principal. Maybe she needs to be moved to another class. I still regret thirty years later not requesting that with our oldest son in a particular class.

I would talk to the teacher, and tell her the situation, including the fact that your daughter has always loved school. Your daughter sounds sensitive, and the teacher should know about it.

This may be typical of her age because at around the age of nine children begin to realize that people are very different from each other, that their parents are actually separate people from their self.

Then again perhaps the teacher doesn't like her and if this is the case, shame on the teacher. I realize she's only human but a teacher should never show preference of one child over another.

It can feel pretty rotten to feel unliked even if it's not true, especially for a child. She feels like there is nothing she can do about it and doesn't understand why she doesn't like her. This puts her in emotional turmoil and cannot function as her best self. Because her thoughts are on trying to figure out why, etc.

A child knows when they're not liked, with very few exceptions, and so I would take this as important and as her truth. No one wants to be disliked and she should not have to contend with such and on top of it do her school work. Simply not necessary.

Can she go into another class? That may be your only option. You can go to the principle and ask for the other teacher but of course this will open up the whole subject. For now watch and see. But don't wait to long. In the meantime assure her that no one could dislike her.

In a way you can't bring it up to the teacher because you don't know whether she'll take a tude or not, she may take it out on your daughter. Your child is with her every day and you don't really know what goes on. But you can talk to her person to person and ask about how things are going and such and in the process get a feel for her as a person, a teacher and such. This won't necessarily tell you what you need to know but then again it might. If you're clear about your own thoughts and feelings.

My daughter had a teacher once that hated her for God knows what reason. At first I did nothing not realizing what was really happening. Finally we had to put her in a private school for that school year. We could hardly afford it but we did it for her. It would have ruined her to keep her in with That (so called) teacher.

I hope you can get something useful out of this.

ETA

I called my child psychologist friend and asked her about this question.

She said it's very common for a teacher to have that one child in her class each year that she sort of makes her scapegoat. It's not a conscious thing, more along the lines of what I said below.

I'd simply tell your daughter that she just needs to know she's okay.

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It's possible that the teacher doesn't like her. She needs to understand that we all don't like each other. It's just the way it is. I don't like everyone and everyone doesn't like me. It's not that we find fault with that other person but there is just something where we just don't care for that person as an individual.

That doesn't mean that she should be treated differently of course but the teacher doesn't have to like her to be an effective teacher.

A) Don't listen to Cheryl B. from San Pablo.

B) I'm 48 and I still remember teachers that did not seem to "like" me.

C) She is your precious daughter, be glad she confided in you (I never confided to mine). Fight for her. She will learn how to fight for herself by your example.

I agree with the first half of what Diane B. said, "Children associate rules with like/dislike.

I disagree with talking to the teacher. The teacher will see it as a calling out and will recall that your child tattled on her.

It will not be a win for your child.

Instead talk to your child and tell her to not worry about who gets to get water, etc. (same as Diane B said). Your child seems to be a busy body and the teacher has picked up on it. Do not fuel that notion.

Leave it alone. Your daughter has the perception that the teacher does not like her (which probably is not true.) Your daughter's "typical" type A personality probably tells her that the teacher should be relating to her in a way that she is not and thus, in your child's opinion, the teacher doesn't like her.

Your daughter is telling you what's going on FROM A CHILD'S PERSPECTIVE. There may be a very good reason or reasons WHY that other child was allowed to get water. It's none of your or your daughter's business and the teacher is not obligated to explain herself to your child. I doubt the teacher raised her voice at your daughter; perhaps your daughter just didn't like the teacher's tone.

Stay out of it.