3 Yr Old Worried About Death

It is very normal. My son talks about God, Jesus, Heaven, Angels, dying, the Resurrection, etc. all the time. They have an understanding that is amazing. Try to explain to him that just because you get old doesn't mean that you will go away. And if you have to go away you will always be with him in his heart like Jesus is in his heart. If he continues to ask questions just answer them the best you can truthfully and it will be okay. They will ponder it and then it will all be ok.

When I returned to school for my master's degree, I did a research report on "The Child's Fear of Death and Dying." Secondary research (books and articles) all showed that children as young as two years old have a rudimentary understanding of death. My primary research (interviews I conducted) showed the same. I interviewed kids 3-13 and adults. Every single person regardless of age understood death and had early memories of death. Every child could explain death -- most often related to a pet or plant. What is very interesting is that none of the kids I interviewed could explain what it meant when something was alive. Kids generally outgrown the terror of death. (Teenagers are good examples of that!)

So however you and your husband handle this issue with your son, it will be okay. The calmer and more matter of fact you can be about any explanations, the better.

This might apply to the "California" thing. One of the 3 year olds I interviewed kept talking about "going to the farm" whenever I asked a question about death. I spoke to her pre-school teacher and she said that a relative had died a while back and they'd gone to stay at a farm during the funeral. So there is a connection for him to California, you just may never know what it is.

Good luck!

It can be astounding what deep thoughts three-year-olds have. Those little brains and hearts are working hard trying to figure out everything they see and hear.

So your son's concern is quite normal.

When my older son was that age or a tad younger, he saw an abandoned commercial building near our home being demolished, and he was shocked - wondered how the building felt about being taken apart, whether it hurt, whether the building was sick and dying. And he wasn't being imaginative or fanciful! Children really want to understand life around them, but since they don't have a lot of experience, they don't think the way grownups do. And that's fine.

You may never find out why this question has popped up right now, but it's evidently giving him great concern at the moment. I commend you for not brushing it off.

A lot of what you tell your bright boy about death depends on your beliefs. As a Christian, I started with what God says in the Bible about heaven and about His neverending love for His children. I was able to answer my children's concerns from that standpoint. (After that, questions still popped up from time to time, of course.) You need to know what you believe and start from there.

But please make it SIMPLE - your son has to process everything that you tell him, too.

Be sure to let him know that yes, things change and sometimes there are big surprises. Yes, sometimes people do die (pets die, too). And it's OK to be sad when we miss those we love. But there will always, always be someone to love him and take care of him. Emphasize that his mommy and daddy are planning to be around a long, long time, and if that changes, there will STILL be people around to love him.

I heard a very wise man say, "When we are in a state of grief we are at our most vulnerable and in our most human experience." I think of that in relation to my children.
What do I want to show them about humaness? What do I want them to see when it comes to the inevitable human experience of loss? When my daughter was one and my son was not yet three they watched our beloved family dog die in my husband's arms. They witnessed their parents in grief, saw us sob and we have now been discussing death in our home for four years. Through this experience and the conversations that followed, I realize I want something for my children that I didn't know I would want. I want them to have a deep relationship with ALL of their feelings.
As much as I want them to leave our nest with a deep sense of joy, wonder, compassion, kindness, and gratitude I also want them to know struggle, disappointment, and grief.
Now my daughter is in kindergarten and my son is in first grade. I already see the reward of letting them fully have their own disturbances and upsets. They are capable and competent in deeling with ALL of their emotional states. And in my experience that is a most important life skill. I am still learning and somedays I don't do it so well. And I will hear from my wise little ones, "Mom, you need to take a breath."
It is hard to see our children in emotional pain and my heart went out to the both of you in what you described.
But I realized your son has something that not all children have. You have given him the gift of close, loving relationships to your family. He already loves deeply.
That is beautiful. And because of that his losses will be deeply felt. And that is beautiful as well.
Your son is already a wise little sage.

Two of my kids went through the same thing. I just staid honest with them. Yes one day we will all die but I also told them we cant spend our lives worrying when we will die. It took them a while but they mostly out grew it. One of my Autistic sons sometimes still gets worked up about it but not nearly as bad as he once did.

KJ,
sometimes I think we underestimate our childern and thier perception. My daughter is almost 3 and also communicates very well, and is very perceptive. A few weeks ago, my brother passed away. I didn't tell her that her uncle will was gone, because I figured she was too young to understand, and he lived 800 miles away, so she only saw him about 1x per year. She didnt go to the funeral, and we tried not to talk about it too much in front of her. Then yesterday out of the blue she says "ghosts live far away in the clouds, we don't see them. uncle willy is my best friend, I love him. I won't see him for my whole life." I asked her where she had learned these things, and she said, I don't know, I just know them. Somewhere she just figured it out. I would guess that your son is very perceptive, and has picked up on some conversations somewhere, and pieced it together. I decided that since she was bright enough and was putting her own idea together, from now on, it would be better for me to approach her first, so that I can make sure her ideas mimic my beliefs and are not some random thoughts that she has put together from her imagination and bits of conversation. It's hard to talk about death with a little one, I really wanted to shield my daughter from the fact that her uncle will was gone, but in the end, I really think it would have been better to be upfront with her. unfortunatly this is probably the first of several difficult and uncomfortable conversations we will have with our children.

My 3 year old talks about it often as well and has also always been very verbal. My parents passed away many years ago, so we have talked about them being in heaven, etc. When he asks me if I will go to heaven soon, I tell him (and maybe this is wrong...) that people die when they are old and sick and that none of us are old and sick. This seems to appease him for now....I know he really doesnt grasp what its all about he is just curious as he is with lots of other things. I think its pretty normal.

My children also became aware of mortality around age three, and while it can be emotionally wrenching to see your child grapple with the concept, it is also a great opportunity to talk with him about your family's beliefs.

For addressing the factual side of the question, we found a great little book, Caillou Discovers That He's Getting Older. It starts with Caillou (character from PBS kids' TV) and his father finding a dead bird, and then goes on to discuss, in terms appropriate for preschoolers, that everything that lives grows, ages, and does eventually die.

Sesame Street also did an episode some years back about death when the actor who played Mr. Hooper died. This may be available though their website.

I would take him seriously but try to really put him at ease. Validate the things he says. But let him know that someday is when he is grown up too and getting old, and that it's okay to get old and die and tell him what you believe about heaven.

Hi KJ,
Don't be afraid of your little guy's sadness. It is terribly heartbreaking but he is being very healthy about communicating a fear that all little children, (and all adults) have. Reassure him that you will always be there for him when he needs you and that he doesn't have to worry about you being old until he is grown-up and "old" himself.
What a great Mom you are to worry about your son so much.
Take care,
B.

We have a 4 year old who lost her cat to illness last summer. She is deeply sensitive to this fact that her cat is gone to heaven and it helped my hubby and I realize how important the truth is. We are raising our daughter in a Christian house and she understands that her Grammy Wendy (my mom) is up there with God and Jesus - she is okay with that and says her kitty sits on Grammy's lap and watches over her. She gets sad and does cry sometimes, but not as often as when the cat first died.
Of course, she does think that if she can get her fairy wings to work she could fly up to heaven and get Grammy Wendy and the cat and that we would be happy to have them back. She understands some, compartmentalizes it all and has a very healthy feedback to talk about death and God and heaven. I am eternally grateful we didn't hide anything from her or try to gloss it over - just took it down to her level to get her to have some peace about it.

K.J.,

Death and aging is one of those things that none of us really appreciates. While it is a fact that someday everyone of us will die, dealing with the reality of it can be a challenge. Having experienced multiply sudden deaths in my life I realize how jaring it can be. Do you blame your son for not wanting to experience it again? If only we could be assured that we would never lose another loved one.

You have a gifted child that is pondering things beyond his years. Imagine what it would feel like to be in his shoes. To know everything that you know about life at that young of an age. Share with him your feelings about what he is asking. I personally believe that his grandma "is in California" (she is simply a thought away and easily listened to). I believe your child is picking up on your fears about death. Are you open to the possibilty that death is merely a threshold from one reality to another. As I caught hold of this thought, death doesn't feel so ominous.

With my whole heart, C.

It is VERY normal. Developmentally, kids around the age of 3-4 beging to realize the finality of death. Just keep talking about it and sharing your beliefs with him.....the fascination will pass in time.