3 1/2 Year Old Son Around Another 3/12 Year Old Boy Who Has Good Behavior

I can only comment based on the information you've given and I don't know how much impact the delay in speech or the OT therapy needs have on the situation, but your last sentence is very telling to me: "It seems like around me he behaves like this mostly". What this tells me is that he is allowed to act this way around you with no consequences. The purpose of the timeout is for your son to collect himself and think about his behavior so that he can begin to learn to manage it and act appropriately. It sounds to me like you need to work on the timeout technique when there aren't others around. If he is 3 1/2 and you still have to hold him in the chair, then you haven't appropriately set expectations for the timeout. He is old enough to understand that when you say he is to sit for a specified amount of time (3 minutes in this case...and use a timer!), then he needs to do just that or the timeout isn't over. This may take 30 minutes or more the first few times, but you need to be dedicated to getting some form of discipline working for you. Put him in the timeout spot and if he gets up, you keep putting him back for as long as it takes until he stays for the 3 minutes (quietly). It's a battle of wills at this point and you need to win. Have you spoken to his daycare/pre-school and asked them what form of discipline they use and how it is working? You need to be consistent because it truly sounds to me like he is running the show when he's with you. If you want a well behaved child, then you have to be the one in control and give him reasons to be well behaved (punishment AND reward). Give him lots of verbal praise when he does share or display good behaviors, but let him know, in no uncertain terms, what is not acceptable when he displays bad ones. The other boy said that your son needed a timeout because he saw your son displaying behaviors that, in his world, would have earned him a timeout. He is aware of this because his mother is consistent and clear on what her expectations are for his behavior. I don't think he meant to be disrespectful. I think he was just being honest. You also said you felt like you were making excuses for how your son was acting. This, too, says to me that you know there is an issue. Only you (and your hubby, because you both need to be on the same page) can solve this one. You really have to set very clear expectations and boundaries and then follow through with consequences if they are broken. Your son can learn to recognize this just as well as the other boy, but you have to be consistent so that he understands. Again, I want to add that if your son has some sort of delay, this could impact your discipline plan, but you still need to have one, so maybe speak with his pediatrician or the therapists to find out how you can tweak it to make it work for him. Good luck to you!

Had the exact same issues with one of my children who is now 9 and we still have this to an extent. Perfectly behaved at school, acts out at home because that is where they feel safe enough to do so. There are probably attention issues and sensory issues as well. But not wanting to share brand new toys while being in a brand new environment is not unusual for that age.

You have to be proactive and anticipate what triggers this behavior; transitions, new people, new environments or activity that require complex language that he has not acquired yet. All causes tremendous stress and anxiety for a child who cannot effectively communicate and regulate himself. If physical activity is best, arrange a walk or playing in the sand or a playground for a new playdate - where language is secondary to physical activity. Keep it short, structured and supervised.

Your OT can help with ideas, but you should also talk to your pediatrician or consult a developmental pediatrician. Floor time is a great concept also. Good luck

Its pretty normal for a little boy not to want to share. My question to you is why do you feel it is necessary to share his new toy with a kid he just met? I would let him play alone for a while with it. He shouldn't have to have a time out because he wants his new stuff to himself. it could be that he is having some stress bout the new home etc. Does the new house have a yard he can play in without the other kid?

I have read some of your other posts. It sounds like your son is acting out in perhaps anger about other things going on in your lives. it may help to get him to a child psychologist and perhaps some family therapy. Not being catty just know that we have had issues in our marriage that have carried over into major problems for/with our children

First off, you shouldn't compare your son to anyone else, because every child is different. But, for the behavior issues, you need to be consistent. It sounds like to me that you are enabling your son to be bad and you should NO WAY have to sit in the chair with him for a time out.

He pushes you and acts this way because he knows that with you, he can get a way with it......that you don't mean what you say and he will win. So, get some books from the library or buy them and start reading. Then you need to make sure that if you say no, then you mean no. Don't back down, don't give in, and don't make it easy on him. Make rules and stick to them.
You need to be strong and let him know that you mean business when he is doing something wrong..........and then make sure when he does something right, you praise him and let him know how good that was of him.......

Good luck and hang in there.

My 4 1/2 year old daughter has no developmental delays and communicates very well. She normally doesn't have a hard time sharing, but when she has friends over at our house, she gets upset when she has to share her toys. I make her share and put her in time outs if she doesn't.

I guess I'm just telling you this because I think it is pretty normal for a 3 1/2 year old boy to not want to share -- especially if he is sharing his toys in his own home. I think it is a territorial thing. Not to say that you can excuse the behavior. Just that it is par for the course. My daughter's friends tend to act the same way when we have play dates at their houses. I let the kids try to work it out to some extent, but if it gets out of hand, I play referree. And sometimes that just means that it is time to end the play date.

There is nothing wrong with putting your son in a time out while you have company over. It doesn't matter if you make a scene. It is good for the other child to see that there are consequences when your son won't share. It is also good to correct your son's bad behavior right when it is happening. This will make for better play dates in the future. Good luck to you!

Jackie,

The book Magic 1-2-3 has been wonderful for me and is actually used in a lot of daycares that I know. My husband and I have a hard time being consistent and trust me the older your son gets the harder it will be. Actually we thought we were consistent until our kids grew out of the baby stage!!! We have two things that have helped us with playdates. 1. Before anyone comes over to play I ask my kids to put away the toys they are unwilling to share when their friends are over. This worked great even when they were 3 and it gives them a little control over their own things. 2. The rule at our house is that if it is out you have to share it. This may work better on older kids (mine are now 5 and 7). But if my oldest son brings a toy into the family room once he is done playing with it, his brother has every right to play with it. If my son does not want to share a toy, he needs to go in his room and play with it and close the door. Both my kids know this rule well and it reduces arguements over toys big time.
Also, I just remembered something else that helped my kids share when they were 3 and 4! If my son was playing with a toy and someone else wanted a turn I would see how into the toy my child was. If it seemed they were really super involved I would tell the other child they could have a turn when my son was done. But if it seemed that my son was not that interested I would say to my son "Jacob can Tyler have a turn with your toy in 2 minutes or 5 minutes?" This worked wonders and again gave my son a sense of control/power over his own environment. He chose how many minutes. This became a common saying in a playgroup I was involved in for a few years and all the kids started asking each other this question!
Also I think all kids at that age need their own time with brand new toys. I don't like sharing my new stuff on the first day either!!!!

Hope that helps and good luck:)

N.

Yes kids behave like this however we parents need to take action when it does. It seems that consistency is the problem here. You said "I feel like I am constantly fighting this battle with my son in front of new people...........& The other boy actually said that my son needed a time-out. Well that's another story. With him carrying about the sharing putting him in a time out would be another scene." Your son knows that you don't have follow through so he will get away with this behavior. Maybe you can talk to the other mother & let her you know that you were very embarrassed by your sons behavior & very impressed by her sons behavior & ask her for suggestions. Best wishes