2 Year Old's Tantrums Are Taxing

She is just going through a stage. There is a web site where they tell and explain to you what to expect. My granddaughter is 18 months and she is a handfull but this site heps me deal and understand her. It is www.babycenter.com. You enter their age and you will find it is a great help.

I'm only so vehement about this issue because it IS so important (to you and to your future relationship with your daughter), so please hear me out!

I hear, 'we have tried ___(this)___' and 'we have tried___(that)__'.

It's time to stop 'trying' and DO something. You are the parents, and you have the right -- NO -- the absolute obligation to be IN CHARGE of this child. She is your 'charge', and that's what this means. Quit trying to appease her, and parent her. I don't mean to be harsh, but if you watch a couple shows of Nanny 911 or Super Nanny, you will see that discipline is what every child needs, and I don't mean spanking (although I spanked my own more than I care to admit. That's how I was parented and it worked in most cases with our 4 now-adult children, but if I had it to do over, I'd do it much less). Disciplining should be more like training a dog than a battle of wills, and I mean no disrespect here, either. It's just a fact that you don't 'teach' a dog by beating or smacking it. You train him/her by being in control -- first of yourself and then of the dog. Reward good behavior, and punish bad behavior (and the 'punishing' can be as simple as ignoring them or making them spend some time away from you -- like in 'time-out').

It's mostly a matter of you YOURSELF believing that you are in control. This strong-willed toddler will wreak havoc on your home if you as parents don't stop it ASAP. And you can.

Don't say anything to her unless you need to (like telling her 'not to throw it'. Nix on that).
Try telling her what TO do instead of what NOT to do (and reward compliance).
Don't say anything to her unless you mean it.
When you DO say anything, enforce it.
Never give a child anything because they demand it or throw a tantrum for it.
Either you win each battle, or the child does. It's your choice (especially with a little 2 yr old).

I was recently watching the infomercial about the guy who sells the program on TV to control your children and he said something that made so much sense: Children need us (parents) to guide them into controlling their OWN behavior instead of letting them control us. It really is a matter of control.

God bless.

You are not alone, I have read a lot about this lately for my 20 mo son's tantrums and throwing- which we need to nip in the bud since we also have a newborn in the house. The best thing that I have read seems to be trying to get her to express her feelings. For example- when she is throwing something and looks mad- get down to her level and try to get her to say simple words like I am MAD- I am angry and try to get her to say why... this way you can validate her feelings (yes, you and mad, it is hard to be away from our friends...) etc. This way she learns to express feelings instead of acting them out.

That said- this is all theory from what I have read- hopefully it will help you too.

Cheers.

I agree with several of the other responses. What's helped for us includes:

*positivity - tell them what you WANT them to do, less what you want them not to do. often it's just a matter of rephrasing. A great source for examples on this is "the No Cry Discipline Solution" by Pantley.

*clearly defined expectations - we are going to the grocery store. I know you are going to show me your good behavior, that means inside voice, no tantrums, and sitting in the cart to help mama. then afterwards, positive reinforcement - you were such a good girl, just like I knew you would be! you showed me such good behavior! no treats needed, just praise.

*choice - you can hold your sippy cup, or I will hold it for you/take it away (if throwing is imminent). you can hold my hand/stay on the sidewalk or I will pick you up/put you in stroller.

*CONSISTENCY! Sometimes I feel like a broken record but lo and behold the 437th time it sinks in!

also, help her give voice to what's going on in her head. "you're mad. do you want to be by yourself until you feel better? do you want to throw a ball?" for our son, he does well with going and being by himself for a few minutes. I know some kids will punch a pillow.

this too shall pass!

Some kids, like yours, maybe a little more difficult than typical kids. My kid has the Edison Trait and is very strong willed. These kids don't respond to typical dicipline techniques. They are brave and defiant when challenged. Read up and educate your self about this personality type. They do better with a little more verbal guidance, tons of patients and tolerance, and offer choices. "Do you want to sit at the table and eat with us or do you want to sit in the time-out chair." They also need trust and high expectations and lots of positive encouragement. Don't micromanage and expect to clean up lots of messes. I would advise you to assume that much of her behavior is typical for her age and that she will get much better as she learns to control her emotions at around 3.5 years old. Work with her, be firm, don't make empty threats.

A. - I know how you feel. My daughter is 22 months old and I most of the time feel like all that I do is get onto her with regards to the same and then some and the tamtrums start. I was voicing my feelings to some other mom friends of mine recently because it was really wearing on me and had some books suggested to read that seem to have some great advice. Not that I think a book is the all solving thing but gives me some ideas to try and help. The first is Parenting w/Love & Logic by Cline & Fay; the 2nd How to Behave so your preschooler will too by Sal Severe. My daughter isn't a preschooler just yet but some of the ideas are good. The first one allows you to go to the index to look up specific things to help with what you're going thru and there is a specific chapter on tamtrums.

I'm sure it's the move and a new place for all of you. She has to familiarize herself with a entirely new place. Think of the change it is for you and then multiply for such a little person.

You and your daughter will be fine soon enought.

Also, check out www.meetup.com and look for some playdates in order to meet some other mothers in your area. I moved to a new area about 2 years ago and found this website and now have some really great friends and so does my daughter.

Good luck!

I cannot recommend enough the book Making the Terrible Twos Terrific by John Rosemond. He explains why they act this way, and how to turn her behavior around. It is an entertaining read. You might check the library, or it's on amazon.

Two-year-olds are a tough bunch. I had 4 of them. We had to stop going out to dinner for a year or so until they got over some of their personality issues. I cannot say this enough. You MUST be tough. Some Super Nanny tech. would be good. The naughty step and good behavior rewards. If you don't stay in control now it will get worse. She will know you are a push over and that you wear down easy. It does get better. I assure you. When you have teenagers that already know who is in charge your world is a better place. Let her make choices when you can. Pick and choose your battles. Good advice I received while wanting to pull my hair out. There are Mother's Day Out programs in several local churches that you don't have to be a member to attend. Oak Ridge 1st United Methodist has one or there is a MOP's (Mother's of Preschoolers) programs. Be brave. Stay strong.
N. Z
4 girls

hopefully she just needs to acclimate to her new surroundings. I've heard that little ones feel very out of control and they will come up with some way to exert some control.

Maybe if she found some little friends nearby or if she were given control over somehting, it might help.

I hope it goes well!!!!

She has had big changes also and is testing her independence. You mention that bedtime after travel is horrid. If you travel a lot make her bedtime routine as much like home, time as well as routine, as far as tantrums make sure your disciipline is the same all the time. Consistency is the key. When she is angry try redirecting her focus to something else.

To me it doesn't sound like she's angry, it sounds like she's two. :)

My daughter turned 2 last month and does some of the same things. My best advice is to be patient and persistent in your discipline. We do timeouts and sometimes they work, sometimes not but I am confident that in the long run they will work. The trick is being more persistent than they are! lol

Good luck!

Intense emotion is part of childhood. It may help to do some thinking about when you were a child. A parents role is to help the child learn to manage her own emotions and when she cant, manage them for her. We have had great success with 1-2-3 Magic, which you can start at about two years old.

I echo Vickie's response below. She is testing you, and testing her boundaries. She will feel most comfortable and safe knowing where her boundaries are and that you can be trusted to do exactly what you say (preferably the first time, and not, as is so often the case -- especially with me -- the second or third time). Her world is enlarging rapidly (and I'm not talking about your move, although that is part of it; but more her greater understanding of the world), and you need to make her feel safe with where the boundaries are.

Here's an example -- say you're surrounded by an invisible electric fence -- you have no clue where it is, and only realizes that it's there when you cross some invisible line and get a zap. Eventually, you'll figure out where it is, and stay within the bounds to avoid getting the zap. But what if the "electric fence" changes places every time -- one time it's close, the next time, it's far away [one time, "no" means "no" and another time it means "maybe"] -- that would be confusing, yes? You'd never know for sure when or where you're going to get a zap -- yesterday you were able to run across the meadow and freely pick flowers, but today you get zapped halfway there. Frustrating, yes?

Consistency is key. If you set consistent boundaries and discipline your child (again, not necessarily spanking, but teaching and training as well), then she will more easily stay within the boundaries, secure and confident of where they are, and what she can do that is right, rather than always testing the limits to find out if she can go do wrong "this time" and get away with it.

hi my name is C. i have a two year old and a six year old. this is deffinetly a goo place to get advice and encouragement.
when my 6 year old turned 2 we moved from ohio to west verginia we went through the same thing. this is what we did if she is not in imeadiadt danger ignore her bad moments and accknolage the good ones. alwasy talk to her calm even if shes not. when she screams put her in her room and let her scream it out ( tell her when she is done acreaming then she may come out). then when she sees that mommy and daddy wont give in to her screams soon she will learn that is not the wasy to do things. for the night time getting her back to sleeping for a while just cuddle her in her bed till she goes to sleep let daddy cuddle her to when he can.just you and her or daddy and her.then as she goes staight to sleep when you lay down gently ease out of her room just before she is completly asleep. then eventually you will be able to kiss her and say good night and she will know that it is ok to go to sleep all by herself. youhave to make it a routine.the same every night.
as for her testing you with the throwing things welcome to the terrible twos. my six year old never went through the terrible twos but my two year old is more than making up for it.