Behavioral Issue with 3 Year Old Daughter

Maybe you could try making it a game. My son (now 6) resists tasks but the second I make it a game he buys in. I say lets see who can pick up the most toys and then we do it together, and I let him win. Or I'll say, lets see how many seconds it takes to put you toys in the basket. Then I count. I do the race game to get him dressed too. He tries to beat his record each time. I'll stop counting if he has an issue, like his head gets stuck in his shirt.

We also have a smiley chart for good cooperation, good listening etc. He gets a small reward when he fills the chart, like ice cream out or a little toy from the toy store.

This works for us. I also use 1-2-3 magic, that works too.

Hope this helps!

Simple: Watch "Super Nanny" on ABC on Friday nights. The Supernanny, Jo Frost, works wonders. The show will give you a lot of good ideas.

I have no personal experience but there is a book called 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (there is a copy in the Western Massachusetts Library System) that might help. I am reading a book called 10 Days to a Less Distracted Child (whcih is my sons problem) by the same author (Jeffrey Bernstein) and I like the format. Also if you do a google search on defiant child a number of Web sites come up that might have good advice.

I don't have time to read all the other replies right now, so I hope this doesn't repeat too much of what others said, but there's one important thing I've learned that I wanted to share with you:

Just because the punishment (time-out whatever) doesn't seem to be working IN THAT MOMENT, does NOT mean that it's not working! It WILL. You just have to stay consistent, and follow through with your threats. In the situation where you were throwing out her toys & she kept throwing them - that's a perfect example. She was way beyond the point of calming down & acting rationally. You can't keep piling one punishment on top of another for not calming down. (Trust me, I've tried!) You just have to get her in time-out, and wait for the storm to subside. (Time-out is wonderful too for giving YOU a few moments to calm down!) Eventually - the next day, the next week - you'll see the results. Eventually, just the threat of time-out will be enough to curb her behavior. And on the days that it isn't, you WILL have to put her time-out again, or take away toys, or whatever. Have faith that your discipline is having a positive effect, even if you can't see it at the time.

Three year olds are tough. Mine has been driving me batty lately, so you are not alone. In no particular order:
1. When there are consequences, make them immediate. So if she doesn't pick up her toys, there is a time out right then (or whatever the punishment is). No TV later just doesn't compute yet.
2. Be careful how much power you are unintentionally giving her. You said she "refused" to have a time out. Refusing isn't an option. Pick her up and put her back in time out, even if it takes an hour. We had to do that with my daughter a few times, but now she knows that getting out before the timer goes off just prolongs her time in the "naughty spot."
3. I think that it's totally fine that you had to pick her up and bring her into school. She learned in that moment that she doesn't always get what she wants and you are the boss sometimes.
4. Praise her tons when she is being good. Even for things that are a "given." If she gets out of the car tomorrow without a fight make a big deal out of what a good listener she's being. (I try to remember to praise my daughter if I only want to pull my hair out four or five times in the morning - ha!)
5. Give her some times when she can be the boss. Let her chose what's for dinner and then really serve it (even if it means PB sandwiches and ice cream). Or let her pick what you guys are going to do on a Saturday morning. It is very important that she know that you're the mom and she's the kid, but sometimes I think it would really stink being the underdog all the time.

I hope this is helpful. You might still want to throttle her sometimes (seriously, the threes are rough) but it might help to remember that you're helping make her into a good person that other people want to be around too, and not just an out-of-control child. It's just unfortunate that a lot of the important stuff is also the really hard stuff.

Hi A.,
Gosh I feel ya here!:)
My daughter who is now 7yrs old was the SAME way. Shes alot better but I still get a few tamtrums here and there, she still wants to do things her way and is quick to verbalize and in justice ("he has had that toy for 5min and I only got it for 4)
You will be glad for that spirit when shes on her own and is assertive enough to speak up for her beliefs, but now not so much...lol. Hang in there and set FIRM limits do not waver. Make a list of the behaviors that are important to takle and give her some control such as choosing from a few outfits in the moring or what she wants for breakfast.(IE: would you like cereal or toast)
I hope that this helps.It is a daily challange with my daughter but it dose get better.
K.

I could have guessed your daugter's age by the behavior. Unfortunately, it's pretty normal. You are doing the right things, right now she may act like she doesn't care about repercussions, but stay firm in your punishments and they will sink in. Right now at her age she is learning she can affect her world around her, and will try everything. As long as you can stay with the punishments(which were very appropriate IMHO) she WILL learn that while she can change some things, there are rules and expected behaviors. Try giving her warnings of what's going to happen. "In 5 minutes, it will be time to pick up your toys, then dinner, then x" Don't overload her with 'upcomings' and don't state it as a question. "It's time to pick up your toys!" works better (sometimes) than "Can you please pick up your toys?"
This really is the hardest age, just stick to your guns, know that you are doing a great job, and go cry it out in private while praying for her fourth birthday to come sooner. Good luck!

The book "123 Magic." Even if it doesn't work perfectly, you will feel better about yourself and your child for understanding. It teaches you to be calm and not reactive. It brings peace.

I sympathize, as I am undergoing the same with my 2.5 year old daughter. My son was more compliant at the same age, so this is new for me. Having said that, there are also things I learned from the first time around with my son and am much more confident that this phase with my daughter will pass - as I'm sure yours will (as you said, you have also seen how wonderul she can be when she wants to be). Sounds like you are already doing the right things - consistency. Just try to manage your own frustration as best you can with taking deep breaths and your own "time outs" to move into another room when your daughter is at her most defiant. It can't always be done when your trying to get out the door to work, school, etc.. But when I am home, I try to be as consistent as possible. I put my daughter in "time out" (or I leave the room) the second she hits, kicks, throws things and tell her I will not tolerate that behavior. I take away the toys (dishes, food, etc.) she has thrown and she doesn't get to have them again until she calms down and acts nicely. I praise her when she says please, thank you and otherwise demonstrates good behavior. I know that she does not quite "get it" yet - she will often smile at me when I scold her or while she is hitting me. This is the most frustrating and scary part (you wonder if your kid is a psychopath!) - but believe me, I saw some of that with my son too and he is now the most caring, sensitive, empathetic 6-year-old. You just have to wait it through - your daughter will eventually "get it" - she'll start to understand the causal connection between her behavior and the consequences eventually. And she'll be better able to articulate her frustrations (rather than rant and hit) as she gets older. That's another thing I do - when I see my daughter gearing up for a tantrum I try to head her off and say "calm down and use 'your words' - tell me what you want instead of hitting." Sometimes that sinks in a little.
So hang in there - she'll get past this within the next year or so as long as you are consistent about teaching her what you will and won't tolerate.
Good for you!!

I highly recommend the book 1-2-3 Magic. It's short, a quick read, and is a straightforward method. It addresses exactly the type of behavior you are talking about. It's available through Amazon for about 10-11 dollars. Good luck!!

Well, I can't really offer anything new that the other moms haven't already said. My daughter is 3.5 and I too am experiencing many of those days with her. It's taxing and painful, but I am sure it will pass. Your daughter has a strong personality like my daughter and maybe when she is older it will translate into a strong woman. It's that drive for independence. Just keep your boundaries and try to keep an steady, content tone in your voice (fake even) even when you just want to ring her neck. I have learned that when I don't "participate" in the battle her tantrums are shorter (though still they happen) and she bounces back to her "nice self" much quicker. Keep the timeouts consistent and immediate. Just keep up with the consequences, and don't ever be tempted defend your decisions to her. You're not alone, mommy! You are doing a good job, don't let her think you aren't. Some kids are just more testing than others, probably because she is so smart. A few weeks ago, I was at the zoo with my daughter and my 20 month old son and we were in the Gorilla dome. My daughter was running around and got out of my site so I told her to stay by my side and if she does it again we leave. Well, she took off running to the other end of the exhibit with her little brother following toward the exit. So I picked each one of them up and put them in the double stroller and left the zoo. Granted we had been there for a couple hours and saw almost everything already but she definitely did not want to leave. She screamed all the way to the car and I tuned it out along with the looks. She was fine in the car, then when we got home she said "Mommy I am sorry for running away from you I know that was dangerous." We went again today and she was the sweetest kid - even reminded me that she has to be a good girl and stay WITH me the whole time. My Lesson - I almost gave her another chance that other day at the zoo, because the thought of leaving like that was draining and I felt guilty for ruining HER day. but I'm glad I followed through because it stood out in her mind and now she knows Mommy means business. Good luck and stay strong. (One other thought, is she getting enough sleep - I know that sometimes my 3 yr old fights her bedtime and/or skips naps and then in turn fights me all day the next day).

Your little girl's meltdowns sound just like my daughter's. My daughter has Asperger Syndrome (and ADHD). You might want to talk to your pediatrician about getting her tested for any developmental conditions (particulary Autism Spectrum Disorders) that might explain her unusual behaviors. If it turns out she is autistic, there are lots of great places to find information online about autism and ways to deal with it.

In the meantime, you should also speak to your own doctor about your sadness. You may have some level of depression that's making a stressful situation feel impossible. I've been there; remember that you're not imposing by talking to a doctor about your concerns. It's their job to put the pieces together and decide what testing is appropriate. Good luck.

K. T.

Hi A.. I know exactly how you are feeling and how frustrated you must be! My 3 year old son often has difficulty listening and will say no just to say no. My son seem to respond better to rewards then to me taking stuff away. I have a reward chart up in the kitchen and anytime he does something like clean up his toys he gets a sticker and after a certain number of stickers he gets something "special" (like a matchbox car or lunch out). Good luck and hang in there!
M.

yell at her.
haha.
No, really though - she needs to know that you are the mom and she WILL show you respect and follow directions.

I was a child development specialist, working with disfunctional children. I believe in redirection, choices, and consequences. When my daughter approached 3 we started going through this. If she is being so bad, or doing thing like hitting you and sticking her tongue out - you need to take a BIG breath and hold her and tell her "This behavior is unacceptable!" - in a BIG voice, so that she knows you mean it. "Tell her that she WILL show respect" and has a time out. (That should be in one set place in your home and you need to always follow through.) In our home it's at the bottom of the stairs, but if she gets up or is crying and yelling (most of the time) then she goes into her room with the door shut.
Period. Let her scream and get it out. Eventually, you go in and ask if she is ready to talk - if so - then talk to her. Sit next to her and explain why her behavior is unacceptable. It needs to end with an apology and a hug and reassurance that you love her more then anyone.
This needs to be consistent.She's testing and will do so - well, probably until she's 24.
Just keep on it - what is and is not ok and give her a lot of positive attention in between, b/c often (not always)kids act out, b/c she's not getting enough fun you time.
But, don't be afraid to be stern or raise your voice and don't be afraid of tantrums.
Get into a count down. When that's "it" - 1. 2.... 3 - ok - in your room - no chances.
eventually moments at daycare will end by the count of 2.

You'll be fine and figure it out.
You're a good mom and she's just 3.
(This is my personal mantra!)lol.

hope this helps or at least encourages you;-)

A.:

Because she is adopted, I'm wondering if you have a complete medical profile on her, or her bio parents.

First I would try the 1-2-3 Magic program. It has worked wonders for my kids. One is 7.5 and as ADHD/ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and the other is just a typical 3.5 year old who is learning some bad behavior from his brother.

I know it's hard, but consistency is key. It has taken me 4 years, but I don't ever yell anymore. There are rules and if they aren't followed, there are consequences. Both of my kids know that. When they don't follow the rules, things get taken away. If they whine or complain about it, more things get taken away.

However, if there is something going on with her that she can't help (like my son having ADHD), you will need some additional assistance.

I would first talk to your pediatrician about EVERYTHING. I would make an appt just to talk (make sure they know and I would request at least a half-hour). My pediatrician has done this with me on many occasions, I'm usually the last "patient" of the day so we have time to talk.

You may want to see out a neuropsychologist to do some testing to see what is going on with your daughter.

The good news is she is young, and whether it's just a change in behavior or something a little more serious that's needed, she will be okay. She just needs you to help her get there.

I wish you all the best!
C.

What you are saying makes her sound like a typical head strong 3 year old. My son can be wicked, and it doesn't seem as though anything works to tame him. All I know is my husband and I have to be strong and ALWAYS follow through. These trying times will pass!

You mention in your siggy that she is adopted. Do you know anything of the birth mother? Could your daughter have been exposed to alcohol or drugs? It is a long shot and I doubt it, but that could be a possibility too.

Good luck, and hang in there!

First off i want to say that parenting is the HARDEST job in the entire world, and i think that if it were me i would seek some help with a specialist, ask your pediatrician, 3 is an extremely difficult age, i know i have a 3 year old girl too, what i do with her is i make threats and keep them no matter what, if i say time out she will sit in time out and i will keep bringing her back until she gives up even if it took 3 hours, one time i had to take all her toys away and hide them until she could learn to be a good girl, state what is going to happen, state your punishment and follow through no matter what, the second you dont folllow through they walk all over you and i know it is hard to see them upset but your only hurting them if you dont make rules and enforce them

Hi A.,
You've had great advice. 123, no second chances, short time-out with no notice from you, and when all is over (and this is key), she needs to do whatever task that started the commotion. So don't go around picking up the toys while she's in time out. Your right, she's smart!
P.S. Get her into daycare, hug once, hand her over and walk away. No pep talks in the car, no see how the other kids are. She knows what is expected and she's prolonging this kind of control over you. Gotta love em!
P.P.S. Before you do anything with 123 or time-out, make sure what you are asking is resonable. Children do not pick up toys by themselves at 3 well, but do much better with you helping by leading "Pick up the stuffed toys first. Good job. Now the train track set. Great....."

Hi...if it's any consolation, my son has the opposite problem. He'll be two in December and won't leave day care. Especially, if he's having a good time somewhere, he won't leave. He actually kicks me and I physically have to restrain him to get him home.

I would stick with the time outs. As working moms, we all feel guilty when not spending time with our children. As a result, I think they try to be boss. So, just keep up what you're doing. It may be just a phase she's going through for attention. Also, see if other's at the day care are acting out. Sometimes they're just copying behavior they observe.

A., my daughter was adopted at 3 1/2 but has been with us in a foster situation since she was 5 weeks old. She is a very headstrong child and we have had some pretty serious behavior issues, some of which we're still dealing with. She's been "diagnosed" with mild attachment disorder. We received a lot of help through Casey Family Services in Concord, NH. Since your daughter was adopted she may qualify for services. If you qualify, CSF is free. I strongly encourage you to look into it - they are SOOOOO supportive! Their number is ###-###-####. If you live outside of NH they may be able to refer you to someone in your state that may be able to help. I truly understand your feelings...I still feel them sometimes and most other families just have NO IDEA what it's like. Hang in there, and I wish you luck!

It sounds to me like you have a very normal three year old. From what i gather at this point in a child's life they are trying to exert control over their lives and over their environment. You say pick up the toys, she says no. You say do it or else and she sticks her toung out at you... so you put her in time out (whihc takes away her control) and she flips out.

I know it's difficult but try to give her as much control over what is going on as possible. Sometimes all it is is a change in how you word things. Don't get upset, don't beg, don't let her see any emotion at all (b/c the more you do the more she can use it to exert her control over you). She needs to know that there are limits but she does have control over some things and that she has choices. Clean up her toys or go to her room. Get out of the car happily or get out of the car screaming (either way she is getting out of the car).

Also know that this isn't going to stop any time soon and might even get worse before it gets better.

Another thing to think about is that she might not know how to deal with her anger. Many times when my three year old is starting to flip out in the house b/c of cleaning up toys or if her sister is playign with a toy she wants I will tell that it is OK to be angry -- BUT she needs to be angry in her room. It's ok to cry and scream BUT she needs to do it in her room. I'm trying to give her control and the tools to be able to deal with her anger and frustration. This works about 1 out of every 10 times at this point. Most of the time she just gets put in her room until she stops with the fit. The point is that I want her to understand that emotions are OK it's how we deal with them that might not be ok. Maybe one day she will get it.

Our latest thing is wanting stuff in stores. If she wants something and i say no... there are times she just goes nuts -- which, of course, sets off her sister. Now, picture this. Me (who is 9 months pregnant) hauling her and her 20 month sister -- outof a store with a kid under each arm kicking, thrashing and screaming at the top of their lungs. The looks i get from people are unreal. it is just awful.

But this, too, shall pass. Just hang in there, don't get upset (or at least too upset) and just go with it. Anyone with a child will understand.

I have a very similar child, head-strong, very smart, loving, and belligerent. The first thing that I can tell you is that now she's almost 5 and WONDERFUL! She has really outgrown the behavior-- or we have helped her get rid of it, I'm not sure. I think that your daughter may be testing her limits and the best thing you can do is follow through. But one thing that helped immensely with my daughter was that after a while I refused to argue with her and I allowed HER to get ahold of her own behavior and to accept the consequences of her actions. Sometimes this meant physically carrying her up to her room and locking the gate to the upstairs, ignoring her throwing things and freaking out completely, but it is SO important to remember that you are the adult and to get calmer as she escalates. "I notice that you are frustrated. It is time to go to daycare now, so there are two ways we can do this, the easy way where you cooperate or the hard way where I have to carry you in kicking and screaming." At some point she will start to care what other people think, but at least for my 3-year-old, that didn't happen until well into the fourth year.

Good luck!
K.

Oh, don't you love THREE?

My daughter (now 4) was the exact same way, and I felt exactly as you felt. My sister gave me good advice that I will now pass on to you. The best thing you can do to get through the horrible threes (which make the "terrible twos" seem like a piece of cake) is to be consistent and remove all emotion. Easier said than done? Absolutely. But you will find that if you leave all the emotion to them, that not only will it diffuse them quicker (they feed off our emotions), but you will also feel less upset by it when you choose not to get engaged.

Time outs: if she gets up, you go over and pick her up and put her back there without saying a word. She may get up 100 times, and you continue to put her back there until she has completed her 3 minutes. She'll get the idea. Then always follow it up by squatting to her level with a very loving, "it hurts when you hit people. If you are upset, you can always tell me." Then tell her you love her and ask for a hug.

She is not doing any of this to hurt you, nor do you need to worry that she is becoming a child who will forever misbehave. My 4-year-old got that she was the only one upset and that I will always calmly tell her that I love her afterwards. But there are NO discussions--when she hits, throws or says bad words, she immediately goes to time out. We talk about it later and it is now consistently successful.

Its not being "mean" to ignore and put in time out or carry her to where she needs to be. Too much talking about it can indicate weakness on your part which she will translate as being open for discussion. Some behaviors are simply non-negotiable.

Good luck! Tell us how it goes!

I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. My 4 year old is definitely exerting her independence right now. We go back and forth between time outs and positive discipline. We have a sticker chart set up. Each day that she "behaves" (for the most part), she gets to put a sticker on her chart. When she has earned 5 stickers, she can pick a treasure. We had her paint a little treasure box and inside are little things....necklace, nail polish, lip gloss, etc. Sometimes I find myself caught up in giving time outs and when I switch to positive discipline, I start to get better results. After a while, the treasure chest and stickers lose their excitement and I find myself back into timeouts. We tend to go back and forth. The treasure chest is not meant to take away consequences for her actions. She still gets time outs for speaking fresh to us, etc. but this gives her something positive to work towards.

I really don't get why people talk about terrible twos, it was always threes for me with my girls. Both of them are through it now. This too shall pass!! That said- My youngest has quite a temper like yours and we found removing her to calm down helped. we would send her to her room- sometimes carry her there- and shut the door. She hates having the door shut, but we would say that we did not want to listen to the way she was talking to us and when she could speak nicely, she could come back down. She needed to defuse! I agree that consequences need to be immediate. My preschool teacher told me not to give her a second chance to misbehave- ie: she kicks you- now that you kicked me I am taking that toy away for a week, another kick, another toy, etc. or when she is in a good space tell her the consequences so as soon as it happens you can react- she'll get it! I know how testing this is- try to keep your cool, even if you have to leave her in the middle of her fit. I promise it will pass. Don't feel bad for being tough. She needs it now!

You need to take charge! I know, that sounds really simplistic, but your daughter has learned that she can manipulate you through her behavior (like all kids do) Threats just don't work, in my experience. the "or else" approach usually just frustrates everyone. At 3, my response would be: pick up your toys before dinner, please. If she refuses, PUT her in time out. She does not get to refuse to go to time out, even if you have to put her in the chair and hold her there for 2 minutes. Get a timer, concrete evidence of the time is very helpful to kids that age. The MOST important aspect of this is to keep your face a mask. No expression, no response, no eye contact even. If you have to hold her in time out you should make no response to her behavior at that time. I used a 1,2,3 method of management with my kids. I asked them to do something once, then simply said "that's twice" and "that's three times" and the automatic consequence was 2 minutes in time out.
After the two minutes, I sometimes had to do the same thing over again, but after a few weeks, it stopped and they understood what they needed to do. Throwing things is unacceptable for anyone. The second she throws something, you should remove her physically from the situation and place her in the time out chair. THings like throwing things, biting, kicking, hitting, etc should be treated firmly and in the same manner every time to nip that in the bud. It may also be helpful to find out what methods they use at day care. Consistency helps. But the bottom line with any kid at any age -- they need to know you keep to your guidelines for behavior and that you are in charge. They test alot, more at some ages then others. Know you are not alone. I've been there too!

Have you spoken with your pediatrician maybe there is something else.Are you following through with the consequences? When my son was little and I threatened to take toys and throw them out I did it.Or gave them to good will.It was hard but it worked.He is now 8 and he definately takes me seriously.He only gets tv or video games fri-sun so if it gets taken away that's huge.Just keep following through and it will work.T.