2 1/2 Year Old Won't Go to Bed!

Get the book by Jo Frost - tv's SUPERNANNY and follow her routine to the T!!! Be consistent - it works!

Hi Kristen

I have a 2 and a half year old daughter as well. I had that problem a month or so ago, and found that if I read her a story, do the bedtime ritual and then play a story CD, she stays in bed to listen to it and then drifts to sleep.... I don't want her to be dependent on it, so I don't do it every night, but every now and then as a 'treat' it's great!

Hope this helps
C. x

Hi Kristen~I don't know if you have tried this, but when my girls were that age, I gave them baby dolls so that they could 'put them to bed' and then climb in with them. They pretended they were real and had to be quiet so they wouldn't wake up. On nights they were not ready to 'retire', I would tuck their babies in and tell the girls I could hear their babies crying. They would run down the hall to take care of them. Too cute-but it worked. L.

We had this problem with our son who is the same age. We tried everything from taking him back to bed nightly (4 nights in a row) for 2 hour time periods, to rewarding, to tiring him out by going to the park, to an earlier bedtime, etc. The ONLY solution that worked was to turn the door handle outward, put him to bed and lock the door. We unlock it before we go to bed after he is good and asleep. You just have to make sure that her room is child proof to the T so that she can't get hurt. For a while he got up and would play toys so we removed all the toys from his room except his stuffed animals and a few books. We told him he was allowed to play quitely. He did this for a week or so but it too became unappealing and he eventually would just ask to be tucked in at night and then stayed in bed.

HTH,
good luck!

Aletha Solter's Aware Parenting articles are great. Here is what she says about the Supernanny.
http://www.awareparenting.com/supernanny.htm

This is a very common problem and you'll have a variety of responses. Some people are take a "hard line" approach and some don't (that would be me).
Considering that I'm dealing with "little people" who need a little more TLC at night to relax, I meet the need for TLC. It doesn't take me 2 hours to put them to bed. We are not up all night "fighting" sleep. (Them fighting to be with me and me arguing with them to get to sleep.)
I make nighttime yummy. I read books, we cuddle... but I lie with my 4 year old daughter until she conks out (usually less than 15 minutes) and then I leave the room for the rest of the night. If my daughter wakes up at 5 am, she quietly walks to my bedroom and knocks on my door. I quietly walk her back and lie with her in her twin. No arguing, no waiting (I need to sleep too) no fighting this. Easy peasy.

There was a time when my son (now 8) was around 5 that I would lie next to him, anxious and stressed (and angry) because he was taking too long to get to bed. I was beginning to feel resentful. He picked up on my feelings and couldn't relax himself. We were up for 1-2 hours with him jumping out of bed trying to find me. Me - all angry again. So I tried something different. I would lie next to him and started to deeply relax like I was going to conk out. He relaxed as well and was literally out in 10 minutes.

Children need to relax to go to sleep. Human beings have co-slept for thousands of years. We are wired to be next to another human. That's why nighttime is so h*** o* "modern" parents with separate beds and bedrooms. Check out Tina Thenevin's FAMILY BED book for a different perspective.

My son stopped needing that nighttime cuddling around age 5-6. I realize that may seem like a long time, but to me, the fact that he isn't afraid of the dark, bedtime, trusts that he'll have help when he needs it, means a lot to me.

Of course Supernanny types would frown on this. That's fine.

You could try reading SLEEPLESS IN AMERICA by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka http://www.parentchildhelp.com/
on great tips on helping your child relax before bed. I'll tell you this... knowing your parents are going to bolt the room immediately after you conk out isn't relaxing.

Read KIDS ARE WORTH IT! GIVING CHILDREN THE GIFT OF INNER DISCIPLINE by Barbara Coloroso http://kidsareworthit.com/ on different parenting styles (the good, the bad, the ugly - authoritative, authoritarian, permissive). Hard-liners (my way or the high way) are authoritarian and bad. The middle ground is authoritative. She explains why using REWARDS/PUNISHMENTS are bad for the child. (All you are doing is training the child to expect something... one day they will look for rewards from someone else, instead of looking to their inner discipline for guidance - your value system you taught them.)

My husband and I went through the exact same thing with our 2 1/2 year old son. We were both at our wits end. Luckily when we didn't think we could take it any more (off and on for 4 months), he settled down and is now staying in bed. My advice is to be consistent. Also, promising to come back in the room in a few minutes for another kiss and snuggle ONLY if he stayed in his bed helped with our son. We just kept strecthing out the amount of time before we went back in his room. Good luck and stick with it. There were times when my husband and I didn't ever think it was going to work! :)

Have you tried putting a gate up in her doorway? We had major bedtime issues and that was successful but it was not pain-free. The crying lasted for a few days and the length of crying time shortened daily. She would just fall asleep in front of the gate crying and then she wised up and realized that we meant business and got back in bed and went to sleep. We also told her that we could not come back in to check on her if she was fussing. When she was calm and quiet then I would pop back in for another kiss to reward her for not fussing and calling out (still do and she is 5).

This was, of course, after snuggling, books, back rub, kisses, etc. Then it's time for the peaceful music, the "big light" goes out and night-night time. Good luck.

Your routine sounds great. We did that with our boys, too. The problem might be she's getting too much attention when she gets out of bed. Have you ever watched Super Nanny? If you haven't, tune in, because a large majority of the episodes deal with bedtime issues and she always handles it the same way. Bottom line--the first time she gets out, tell her "bedtime sweetie" and take her back to bed. Don't carry her---take her by the hand. After that, don't look at her, don't talk to her, don't engage in any way. Take her by the hand, lead her to bed, put her there, try not to give her eye contact, and leave. Not another word. If you are 100% consistent, this bad habit should be broken in a few days. Remember, even negative attention is attention. Your goal is not to talk or engage with her in any way. It might help if you and your husband alternate nights. Good luck!

I just took this class/workshop called love and logic. It was awesome!!! It talked about what to do with toddlers that won't go to bed as well as what to do if your child throws a tantrum in public etc. Loveandlogic.com
Jope this helps!

You seem to be doing the right thing with putting her back to bed -are u sure she still needs to nap anymore it seems that she might be out growing her naps that might help with her bed time if you can wean her off the nap time - that is what I did with my first sone about that age it gives you less time during the day but then at 7:30 pm he went to bed!! I am going thru it with my 2nd now I try to skip the naps but he gets unbearable so I let him sleep for a bit still working on this myself- and he doesnt go to bed till I do these days but they are all phases and they will keep challeging you to the end so keep it up and soon she will go to bed- good luck -

You have created a 2 hour game with her. She gets to have contact with you for those hours.

My grandson would not go to bed either and my daughter struggled for quite a while. It did not end peacefully, but it did end.

You may have to set up some consequenses for her behavior. What those are you will of course have to decide.

have you tried ignoring?or somthing to make her WANT to be in her room? like a cool nightlight that projects stars on the walls? maybe a reward system would work?or making it a point to "check up" on her as shes falling asleep, it may decrease her need/want to come out to see you. tell her if she stays in bed, youll come to check on her in a little bit, then increase the time between each check...dont know, just an idea. teaching a behavior that conters the one you want to eliminate is always best, one that makes the undesirable behavior immpossible

Have you ever watched Super Nanny? This is one of the most common issues parents have. The nanny has you put your child in bed then has the parents sit across the room in the dark looking down not saying a word. The child gets up you put them back don't say anything!!!! It might take the two hrs the first nite but by nite 3 done they got the hint! My 9 and 8 yr old didn't do that. My 22 month old daughter i think will, LOL. She does it at nap time. Is your taking naps? At 2 1/2 it should be one nap for 2hrs and maybe a lot more stimulation before dinner then calming down for bathtime then it will be bed time! Good luck let me know if the "super nanny" thing works seems like a bit much but it's worth a try maybe?

We have a gate on our daughter's bedroom doorway. She may get out of bed and play in her room and go to sleep when chooses after we say good night to her. Some nights she stays up for two hours, some nights she falls asleep immediately. The gate has been a big help in keeping her confined and safe.

Hi Kristen,

Wow, some of these responses are harsh! My son who's nearly 3 won't fall asleep unless my husband or I is laying next to him. It usually takes 10-15 minutes and he's out. A small price to pay for an easy way out... In the past (which after our travels I will implement again), we lay with him for 5 minutes, then sit on the floor, inching our way out the door so he gets used to falling asleep without us. That takes some time though, and it's not really comfortable to sit on the floor! Otherwise, if he wakes up while we're sneaking out of the bed after we've layed with him for 10 minutes or so, we also do the "I'm just going potty. I'll be right back..." move. I feel guilty, but it works!

Good luck! I guess this is what they call parenting (if I only knew...j/k)!
M.

Be consistant and it will stop. I know that's hard to hear, but there isn't much else you can do unless you gate her room (which I wouldn't want to do). My daughter was doing the same thing and it seemed like it was going to go on forever, but she stopped. My only suggestion would be to not pick her up, but lead her by the hand. The picking up, even without any other interaction, may be enough attention to be encouraging the behavior.

My daughter only resists going to bed when she thinks she is missing out. For example, if Grandma is visiting or if we have some activity going on like Dad on the phone, etc..
What I we have tried is telling her what she has to look forward to in the next day and that she needs her rest to get her energy for the next day. Also that the sooner she gets hner sweet dreams the sooner the next day will come. This works most of the time, but on a couple of ocassions we all had to go to bed (including Grandma)at the same time, then she really wasn't missing out and we all get extra rest. On nights when get shut the house down and Dad still wants to stay up, he waits until she has dosed off (usually 15-20 min.) and then he gets up and watches TV or what ever he needs to get done. Good luck on finding your methods.

Hi Kristen,

I too use a baby gate and it is the best thing ever for us! My son is almost 2 1/2 and I had slept with him in his bed or in our bed since he was born. I had to put my foot down and get him in his own bed alone and I was ready for a long hard run, but it is going 100% better then I ever expected. We do our bed time routine, books, snuggles, prayers and then turn on his fishy light, music and then the gate goes up. The first week he would cry for about 20 minutes and I would explain that I would stand at the gate until he fell asleep and if he kept crying I would not stand there. He tested me a few times and kept coming to the gate and crying and I would show hime that I would not stand there if he did not listen and then would go back and lay down and watch the door till he fell asleep. The first week he would get up 2/3 times a night and cry at the gate for me to come back, I would come back, kiss him tell him I would stand there again and he would walk back to his bed and go back to sleep.

The second week he went 4 days without getting up at all and would only wine when he first laid down for a few minutes and all would be good, then we had a little set back, on week 3 he got a cold so he could not sleep to begin with so he is getting up 1x a night now but no crying when he first lays down and once I go to the gate he goes back to sleep.

I am hoping to soon remove the gate, but at least it keeps him in the room without me having to chase him, and I refuse to close the door, even if his room is 100% baby proof, I just don't feel comfortable with that. Once that is all done I will put his brother who turns one on sat back in his grib and see how it all works together.

So I do think the gate is a definite option for you, it has worked extremely well for us!
Good luck.
A.

I wouldnt go as far as to lock her in her room, but i would consider putting up a gate. She can still see and hear that you are there, but hopefully cant get over it. My daughter stood at the gate and cryed for 3 nights, falling asleep on the floor by the gate. After she was asleep, i picked her up and tucked her in. The 4th night, she didnt get out of bed and went to sleep peacefully. It might be just the ticket for your child.

We had simimlar issues with our middle child. We started reading the book "Tell Me Something Happy Before I Go To Sleep". It is about a little bunny who can't sleep and her brother tries to help her. They end up talking about thinking up happy things to dream about. Then the brother explains how the morning can't be happy because it is waiting for her to go to sleep. So, we would read the book and then list about 4-5 happyies for my son to dream about. Then I would kiss him and remind him that he needed to stay in bed and go to sleep so the morning could come and be happy. It really cut down on the getting up repeatedly. There is still an occasional peek down the hall or a can't sleep, but not the lenghty ones we used to have. Good luck.

Is she tired?? At that age, my daughter would nap for 2 1/2-3 hours in the afternoon, then be up until 9-10 at night and sleep until 7am. This actually worked for us, because my husband did not come home from work until 6-7pm so he got to spend some good time with her before bed. Now that she goes to school, she goes to bed at 7:30 (no nap). You are doing all of the right stuff, but maybe she really truly is not tired.

Hi, we had the same problem when we got a toddler bed for our daugter, but she ran the whole house! We still haven't mastered it but we put the baby gate up at night. We give her a chance but after two times leaving she gets the gate. She is potty training so sometimes we have to go up and let her out to use the potty. When we go to sleep, we take down the gate. She says "no gate" but I find when I use the gate, she settles down and goes to sleep in the near future after that. At first I thougth I was going to go crazy but it is slowly getting better. I am big advocate for the baby gate! Good luck! C.

Good morning. Have you tried shorter naps during the day? she may be too rested to go to sleep. Also, you might try putting up a gate on her bedroom door so even if she doesn't stay in her bed, she'll stay in her room, which is a nice, comforting and safe environment, and a step in the right direction.... Good luck.

Aloha Kristen,
Maybe you could do something really active with her before dinner time and by the time you reach the bed time hour she will be zonked!
God bless you.
S.

We give our kids a "dream" each night. It can be something silly, about a past or future event, visiting a favorite place. This helps them get to sleep faster to dream sooner. Perhaps you could try using Febreze as special sleeping spray.

Be firm as tiring as it is. Don't be afraid to leave her in the hallway awile. A few nights falling alseep there might change her tune.

You should trying some kind of a reward system if she stays in bed without getting up. We had a similar problem with our 2 year old after we moved her to a toddler bed. We would tell our daughter that if she stayed in bed and went right to sleep that when she woke up she could play with stickers. Sure enough right when she woke up she asked for the stickers! I made a little chart for her to stick her stickers on and she loved it. It took a couple of days of reinforcement and reminders, but now it works great and she's sleeping well.

Hi Kristen,

Must be very frustrating when you are so tired yourselves anyway! I was an older mom (had my only child at 35), but, I had the best friendship and guidance of a very wise child pyschologist who said sometimes you can have "too much stimulation at bedtime." Bedtime is exactly that ~ as adults we dont' need a ritual before bed. We just announced time to go to sleep and while one of us rubbed her back the other was busy turning down all house lights and making it like everyone was doing the same thing. Talk about "tomorrow" encouraging sleep so she can be rested to have fun the next day! Good luck, but change the routine you are doing is my suggestion!

THis may sound horrible on the surface, but I recommend getting a lock on the outside of the door. It can be a chain so that the door can remained propped open if that helps you feel safer (that you can hear her), but she'll figure out that there is no use in getting up after a few screaming sessions. It really worked well with my daughter. You can try just holding the door from the outside at first- that may do the trick too.

Kristen, why would you and your husband allow your child to flat out defy you for 2 hours a night, she doing that because they is no conciquiences. Our first born a son did the same thing, except to would get out of bed and climb in ours, which was a no no in our home, so after a couple times a time my husband took him back to his bed gave him 2 good swats on the butt, told him to stay in bed unless he had to go potty. well the next night he did the the same thing, so my husband did the same thing, gave him 2 swats put him back to bed, that was it promblem was solved, your child has control over you and your husband instead of the other way around, you need to turn the tables. Mom for 24 years J.

Hi
Reading all the responses makes me wonder what ever happened to just snuggling up in bed and reading a book together.
At this age, locking them in their room (!!!!!WHAT?????) or restricting them to their room is totally outrageous.
Remember, this too is a person with feelings!
How about staying in her bed with her for 5 minutes or so after the book/prayer etc, until she drifts off.
My husband and I always did, and if our kids were still not sleeping after this, we'd say "mommy is just gonna go to the bathroom, I'll be right back" most of the time they 'd fall asleep on their own within a few minutes.
Another comment was the she might not be tired enough?
I think that could well be true, try to taper off naps and then your bedtime routine should get easier.
It does take a while to get used to a new routine, so don't force it!

E.

I would say try to see if she goes to bed easier if she has a good hour to run around before or after dinner to poop out. Physically tired kids don't often stay up long when they're tired. And a warm bath helps. Lotion massage after bath. Make sure they are relaxed.

Maybe she hasn't found the right way to wind down after her busy day?

Soft music, a warm bath,incense, does she feel secure before going to bed? Maybe drawing or even a tv show or foods that induce sleepiness. Is she getting too much sleep and doesn't feel tired at bedtime? Is she waking later in the morning? Good luck. My daughter gets hungry for dinner at 10pm and doesn't fall asleep until 11pm some nights. And then wakes at 7am. She's getting 8 hours at 3yrs and 3 months. I don't worry a lot because she gets a nap during the day. Sometimes she'll poop out at 8pm too. Her bedtime really varies with her own internal clock and how her day was so even though we try for a bedtime routine, it's much easier and feels more natural to go with her body cues.

Sleep when tired, eat when hungry kind of philosphy. Of course exercise always helps. :O)

I guess I should tell you though that she has been sleeping with mom and now her 20 month brother since the beginning, so she sleeps when i sleep most nights, and if she's still up, she comes to bed when she's ready and tired. I usually find her on my boob nursing in the middle of the night, but more often just asleep beside me. She likes to nurse to sleep for a bit and then we cuddle and I'll put my hand on her leg or stroke her hair and she's out like a light snoring away. So we are less about forcing and more about letting. She is doing pretty well I think, and it is peaceful. My 20 month son also nurses to sleep. So you can imagine the 3 of us and our bedtime ritual. I never thought it would turn out to be like this, but it has been incredibly satisfying to be so close to them and for them as well, a close loving tie we have associated with bedtime. Not one that includes, locking door, pre-seperation anxiety, lock em in til they give up, feelings of abandonment and unmet needs for their fears. Kids can't rationalize at that age. They understand physical protection and prescence. Our experience, it's totally the opposite of making your kid realize what they need to go to bed. I know my kid needs cuddles and to know I'm there beside them when they wake up scared in the dark. My husband thinks I am a goddess mother for being so good with our children and more so I feel like a good mother for doing it this way. :O)

Waking up together on the weekdays is nice and funny sometimes it's with a cry because she missed me there as i am getting ready for work, but weekends are joyful as we all wake up together to the sun and without an alarm and i see my little sons smiling face as i open my eyes, and my daughter wanting to nurse. It's beautiful and i encourage you to try it and see how she feels about bedtime once she gets the long term cuddle treatment. Some kids need more attachment at bedtime and I would hate to discourage her just wanting to connect to you her main source of loving connection at this age. Try to make it a loving one full of comfort and cuddles. Try talking to her about her day or your day, singing to her or just being silent together. This is what we do and it works great. We look foward to bedtime every night when we all collapse in bed with a huge sigh and cuddle and nurse and sing til we fall asleep.

Don't be afraid of how you will get her out of your bed, just focus on how much you can enjoy being with your child at her age. She needs your physical touch more than you think and you may too! It's not sick to want to be close to your kids or let them form an attachment like this. It may be a new idea for you but if you research it online it actually was a practice of Early Americans in the late 1800's and co-sleeping is an age old tradition in many many cultures past and present and is gaining popularity in the US. There are many good attributes that show up in children who co-sleep. Being independent in their older years is one of them having forged a strong emotional and physical bond with the loving relationship with the parents.

Discipline is easy in my house because she knows I am looking out for her best interests and cares about her. She listens to me and when she is stubborn i let her have her way because i figure she has a good reason. Pretty far out for a 3 1/2 yr old.

In her 2's, we acted the same but were stern with health and safety issues. Don't climb on that, don't touch the knife, etc. But we felt it out and paid attention to how much she could possibly bend being a bit rebellious and headstrong and independent at her age. Authoritarian style does not work with her, it only makes our home a war front and whine fest. We negotiate a lot and that works. As long as she and we get her sleep its all good. That's my advice.

My daughter did that when our third baby was born. I was so exhausted that it took me a while to figure out what to do about it. We finally decided to put one of those "door knob covers" that go around the door knob on the inside of her bedroom door. It took a couple of nights for her to figure out that she needed to stay in bed and go to sleep, but she finally did. We would wait until she fell asleep and then take the cover off. I hope this helps. :)

Wow, what a touchy subject! My son is 5 and we still struggle with that. What I've found that works for us is threatening to take something he wants away. Like he's really into playing on the computer and fishing. Usually about the second or third time he gets out of bed I'll threaten to not let him do something the next day. It has a 95% rate of success with him. The real challenge is making sure it's something he really wants to do.

Good luck.