17 Yr Old Wants to Go Live with Grandparents After Fights with Stepdad

J. B.
this is a very difficult time in a teenager's life and step parents are at a very big disadvantage in trying to handle the situation. I am the Dad who took in my 14 year old daughter from this exact scenario. I was active in my daughter's life and that is different from your ex-husband. However, if the grandparents are active and willing, it may be the best for all. In just 6 months, he can legally move out if he wants and that would be more damaging to an on gonig relationship. It took many many years for my daughter to re-establish a relationship with her mother and younger brother who stayed with his mom. IF the grandparents are a loving option and continue to support you as his mother, it may be the best course to take; especially if you are the one who provides the ability out of love for him. Father son relationships are tough in the teeenage years and a step father almost can not win.

You have a very difficult road to travel, but do it out of love, not power and control. Giving up some of your time now may be the path to a long ang lasting relationship for the rest of your life.

Hope this helps in your thinking.

Good Luck and trust in your Mother's instincts.

what where the fights about? How is your relationship with your son? something has to be missing and if not, then could be a power play. You should take the car back, its a privilege not a right and shouldn;t buy a kids love. Go talk to him asap, How's your relationship with grandparents? are they undermining you? Children and youth won't help in this. Can't force a kid to participate in counseling sadly and really do think lots more to this

I am 18 years old and I left my house when i was 16 for that same reason. I think you should let him go. He's about to be 18 years old pretty soon and he will do what he wants at that age with or without your permission. Sooner or later he's going to realize that it's best to live with his mom. Let him think it over.

Dear J.,

I have a very similar situation. I am re-married to a wonderful man who is responsible, stable, respectable, and has accepted my children as his own. My youngest son is turning seventeen in May, and refused to come back after last summer at his father's. This was really hard for me for many reasons. After living my whole life for my children (he is the youngest of eight), I really enjoyed having him with us, and now I have a premature empty nest. I know that in my X-husband's house there is no discipline, no structure, order or meals, they do their laundry at the laundromat -- it is pretty much a free for all. But rather than fighting and having that drama between us, I agreed because I know that he needs to resolve some issues inside himself that have to do with his father. I have given him my support and encouragement, and backed off from parenting him. He is struggling in school as I predicted, but I think that other important things are happening that we will only be able to see much later. If your son's grandparents are willing to take him, I say "God bless them". It will give everyone a chance to see the situation from a different light. My thoughts and prayers are with you. We can compare notes later about how it all worked out. :)
N

There are no easy answers here. I had an AWFUL relationship with my stepfather growing up. If I'd had the option to go live with a grandparent, I'd have done it in a heartbeat.
Here's the thing: You have to figure out what it is your spouse and your kid are fighting about-and address it. Step-parenting is THE hardest job there is...way harder than parenting. I never really connected wtih my stepdad-we tried...but we never got there. I saw him as this guy who just stepped in and started bossing me around. I didn't have a good connection wtih my real dad, either-which kind of made it worse, because suddenly there was this guy in my face telling me how to do everything. I didn't feel he had the right-but from his standpoint, he saw a kid who was lacking a male role model and he figured he needed to step in and provide guidance and limits. I resented it and I will tell you-to this day, we do not have much of a relationship. I appreciate what he was trying to do, now that I am a parent-but as a teenager, I felt like I should have SOME say, and I had NONE.

If you guys go all gangbusters on your son, he will distance himself even more...if you do make him come home, he will be miserable and take it out on you. You have to decide what battles to choose here. Is it possible for him to stay where he is for a few weeks while you two sit down and try to iron some stuff out (minus the stepdad)? Once you two work out any issues (even if they are ABOUT your husband)...then maybe you can sit down with your son and husband and iron out those issues.

Kids just want to be heard. I was never heard in my situation. I was told it didn't matter what I wanted and that's a horrible thing for a kid to hear. Even if you don't agree wtih his views, he needs to voice them and know you care enough to hear him.

You could force him home and live in a miserable household until he's old enough to move out on his own...or you could give him time and space to cool off while you communicate with him. So often a stepkid/stepparent situation feels like each side is trying to get Mom to side with them...it really does put you in the middle. Even if your husband has some valid points in this situation, he is your SON...he needs to be heard.

I would try to work through it with your son living with his grandparents. That is, unless they aren't nice people. Just because his father isn't interested doesn't mean they aren't. That would have a big play in this. At 17 1/2, it's not a good age to force him back. You obviously have a new set of kids with your present family and that could be affecting him as well. He will grow to appreciate them. I say just be patient even though it is very hard.

Hi, J.:

Honey, take a deep breath, it will all work out.

Call the Family Group Decision Making (FGDM) coordinator and
see what she has to say.

###-###-####

See if you all can iron out your diffulties.

Good luck. D.

I believe children are sort of ready in their minds to be independent at 15, and then the law kicks in at 18. I left home at 17. I don't think you should force him back home or or force him into counseling (unless he wants to go). It doesn't sound like a good time to get involved with an absentee dad. Changing schools....I think it's all too late.

I feel for you and I know it's hard, but I really think you should offer to meet with him at the grandparents, explain to him you understand he's almost an adult, tell him the only thing that matters to you in your heart is that you and he always love each other, you and your husband only want what's best for him and you wish he'd come home, but you're ready to let him choose where to live. He's only got 6 short months before he chooses anyway. If he comes home, he must respect you and your husband, and it's his choice whether to come home.

You can weigh in your heart if you feel any logistics of support should be handled differently if he leaves, such as his car. Who pays for the car? Maybe if you pay for the car, but you're letting him be an adult, he needs to pay for the car or lose the car, get a job, whatever. But whatever methods and choices you make, deliver them in a context of love and respect for his age and his feelings. Help him become an independent adult. Don't try to force him back to establish childhood bonds with his step dad.

My step sisters didn't accept or respect my dad until they were out of the house and married and looked back to see how good he was for their mom. As teenagers they hated him for popping up and butting in and telling them what to do. Even though they were horrid brats and he was perfectly supportive of them other than not letting them disrespect his wife-their mom. Now they love him and spend more time with him than I do! He's the star grandparent of all their kids.

You are right to be sensitive to causing relationship damage. Start to let go. Good luck, sorry you're going through this.

I agree with the PP in that your son needs to have a 'say' in what is going on in his house, with his family and in his life.
What is the main issue between the two of them? There needs to be clear, communicated rules pertaining to the "hot" situations. Both need to abide and agree to the set rules. Once set, the rules cannot be waffled and changed on a whim. By either party.
What will definitely do damage to your relationship to your son is having him feel like he has no say and that you've picked sides against him. You're in the middle and I'm sure it's tough, but you came to the marriage with this child and he will be your child forever. Make sure your husband has valid points, and is not just trying to be the complete authority. The rules in the house should apply to ALL kids evenly.
I know it's hard to be a step parent, but this is YOUR child, and your voice counts as well, maybe more so than your husband's. I was lucky enough to have a GREAT stepdad and he was 'great' because he did not demand respect, he earned it. I'm sure he did a lot of tongue biting at times. He did not tell me what to do, make demands, and left most of the discipline to my mother and I came to respect him for the man he was with the life-experiences he had to offer. I hope someday your son will feel that way about your husband.