17 Year Old Daughter Pulling Away.

She is no longer a child but a young adult now. You must start treating her like one so she can develop the skills she needs to succeed.
Kids this age need both freedom AND responsibility. So yes, you should cut the apron strings, let her make her own mistakes and have a little less control over all her decisions. But at the same time you should NOT be doing everything for her. Freedom comes at a price. If she wants to be treated like a grown up she needs to act like one. She should be doing her own laundry and earning her own spending money. She should be helping around the house. I still pay for my kids' phones (my oldest two are 19 and 16) and basic needs like tuition, food and shelter, but pretty much anything else they want they have to earn.
My daughter is still 16 but entering her senior year as well. Tomorrow she and her friends are driving to the beach on their own for the first time (an hour and a half away) and I am kind of a nervous wreck about it. But I was doing the exact same thing at her age. My friends and I were young and a bit naive but we weren't idiots, and I don't think my daughter is either. It is hard to watch them leave the nest but unless they start to spread their wings NOW they will never learn to fly. And that's your job momma, to let her leave the nest knowing that you did the very best job you could :)

a riding master told me years ago, as i was admiring how softly and beautifully her young horse was going for her, 'i never give him anything to resist.'
if you pull the reins, there's going to be a big fight.
if your hand is just there, firm and supportive but never restrictive, the horse has nothing to battle against. there is only positive.
i think teenagers have lots in common with good horses.
khairete
S.

At that age, I wanted to be independent too. Give her her space. You can't stop being her mother, so that should give some comfort, but try to help by being her coach. The relationship as in any other phase in life is changing, and it's just a matter of getting accustomed to it. She wants to know that she has freedom to do stuff, yet feel secure that you are in her corner if they mess up. It's like being in a car while they learn to drive. You don't have to hold the steering wheel to be part of the experience. So try to let go of the steering wheel and let her drive. It's hard not to want to protect from a crash or tell her how to drive, but trust her and use the time in the car to equip her for the real road test of life.

I hope, she has an OB/GYN that she goes to, regularly.
Because, that... is being grown up. As well.

I guess, for her, your trying to keep her out of trouble and keeping her focused on school and the house "rules" to her... means that you are just an irritating Mom who does not understand her.
Not all 17 year olds, are that way. But yet it is typical reactions, for a child that age.

She is still a Senior in high school.
Being grown up, means keeping up her grades and organizing herself and being able to manage her free time and study time too and making sure she has all the credits she needs in order to graduate.
Otherwise, she will not, graduate.

You did not mention, what kind of girl she is, overall????
Though she has sneaked out of the house before.
Is she a mature minded person?
Responsible?
Good student?
Nice friends?
Is working or pays for her own things?
Keeps up with her own hygiene?
Is kind and thoughtful?
Has she ever done anything for you, as a child? Not in a tit-for-tat way. But just because.
You are a Mom. So naturally most Moms do, do a LOT for their kids. Daily. But you feel taken advantage of. Why?
Seems like it is because she prefers.... your Ex, compared to you.
Your daughter, is in a simplistic way.... preferring your Ex because he is more lenient. That is the linear common sense of it. BUT... MAYBE... it is because maybe... he understands her. ???? Maybe your Ex has a good parental relationship with her and trusts her??? Or maybe your Ex is just doing lazy parenting and letting her do whatever she wants??? Which one, is the real situation???

I really hope, your daughter also knows full well, about STD's and diseases... and sees a Doctor regularly. Since she seems to be living... as an adult, but without the responsibilities.

The National Geographic Magazine, had a GREAT article, about the Teenage Brain and their development. I would read this.
Here is the link for the article:
http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/10/teenage-brains/...

What kind of relationship... do you have with her, BEYOND the lecturing and monitoring of her???? Do you have anything enjoyable you do together? Do you both even have conversations just for fun??? Does your daughter confide in you??? Do you accept her for who she is as an individual? Do you trust her??? Does she feel.... close to you as a Mom and that she can tell you things as a woman???
If not, then she will continue to pull away.

When I was a Teenager... I rebelled a lot too... and went out of the comfort zone of typical boundaries too. But I was not a bad kid. BUT... my Dad, trusted me. He trusted me. And I knew that. He might have seemed lenient... but all the while, he was guiding me and teaching me things.... in his own way. And he was effective. VERY effective and a "strict" parent. He was not a "buddy" parent. He was a parent and even if it "seemed" he didn't know anything... he knew EVERYTHING about me... and we were close. He never looked down on me.
But with my Mom, we were not close. She... had a different way about her. And did not accept me, for who I was and always talked to me as though I was a "dumb" thoughtless person. Never giving me any credit or the benefit of the doubt.

Well even adult roommate have expectations and common respect for each other.

Her job is still school. It is to make a good score on her SAT and start getting her paperwork together for college .

I hope she is working and volunteering. She will need both of these for her college resume.

As part of the home responsibilities, she should be doing her own laundry, helping clean the house. Def her own bathroom. Let her plan, shop and prepare the food for the family at least 3 times a week.

Also no matter what age even my husband and I always know where each of us is and when we will be expected home. This is just common respect and for safety reasons.

Let her know that even in college this is what room mates do.

Here in Austin there are curfews for young people. Find out the laws there and remind her to follow these laws.

We told our daughter if she respected our expectations she would be given more freedoms, but if she did not follow them, we would begin to take away privileges.

We also reminded her when she is out and about she is representing the family. If she behaved, we would also behave when out in public!

She will appreciate you more once she has had a chance to be away from you for a while. Kids pulling away is a painful but natural part of their growth and searching for independence.

Are these battles worth it? Maybe you should just let her live with her father for her senior year, let him do most of the work, and then you can be the fun parent.

Aren't you tired of parenting teens? I know I am.

Congratulations, you have a normal teenager!

She sounds just like me when I was her age. I grew up, so will she. On the other side of the coin, I also have a 17 yr old dgtr. She is also my oldest and while not trying to pull away as much as your dgtr is right now, we are feeling the pains of her impending move to college and I know her senior year will be filled with arguments over curfews and restrictions. We plan to continue to be the parents and let her know that we have rules and expectations, her major cash flow comes from us so she needs to respect our rules. I hated my parents at her age, but really came around to appreciate them. You have to remain firm for now, time will help her realize that having a Mom is better than having a friend. Stay strong and God bless you!

Why do you feel taken advantage of? Are you still doing everything for her? She should be able to help clean the house, do her own laundry, be the "adult" for a while with her 2 brothers when you are out, cook a meal once in a while and generally help with stuff. If she is driving she should be required to keep the car neat, bring it back with gas in it and not on empty and let you know if she thinks or sees a problem with it so you know too. If she wants the privilages of being adult give her the responsibilities of them too. My parents had rules to live by and if I didn't there were consequences. I never had a cell phone but your daughter might. If that is her "conection to the world" like so many others TAKE IT AWAY if she can't follow your rules and be a part of the family, Implement movie night or bolwing night (something your family does) and make it fun but a requirement. I had to call every night to let my parents know who I was with and where I was unyil I moved out (and got married) at age 23! THEIR HOUSE THEIR RULES! It worked for me and it will work for my kids. Sit down and set up specific rules and then have consequences if noy followed. You are her parent first NOT her girlfriend! God Bless!