13 Month Old Daughter Already Fighting with Mom

Hon, I'll bet you every mother remembers a phase of "forcing" their kid onto the car seat. Same arched back, same screaming, etc.
I know I certainly do.
You're doing these things for her own safety.
There's no "letting her win."
She needs a diaper change.
She needs to be in a car seat.
So try the standing diaper change, and keep getting her into that car seat!
You're doing fine.
Good luck!

My rule has always been that in matters of health and safety, I'm in charge. If that means wrestling them to the ground to change a diaper or give medicine, then that's what I did. And although I am not largely an authoritarian-type parent, my kids know who is in charge. When distraction and redirection didn't work, I did what I had to do to make them safe/clean/healthy.

Please take a deep breath, relax, and tomorrow hit the library for .some good, science-based books on child development. They will give you a lot of comfort. What you describe is not her "fighting you." It is not about whether you "let her win." It isn't even really a "power struggle." You are using the language of a kind of resistance that she is just not doing at 13 months old. At 13 years, yes, but not at 13 months.

She is not talking yet, certainly not enough to express what she wants and needs -- and she wants, and wants, and needs, and needs, and has no way to tell you other than with her body. That is what you are experiencing. She lacks the ability yet to tell you "I don't like diaper changes" or "I hate the stroller." So she uses the only thing she can really control right now: Her body.

This is a very, very typical stage at this age. Yes, even the way she goes rigid, and the fact she has hit her head. She is likely to hit you in the face or head before this stage is over; are you going to view that as her attacking you on purpose? Please don't. It happens ALL the time. Continue to distract with new distractions and yes, to wrestle her into the essential car seat if needed. Or when possible have a friend or relative or anyone who's there do a diaper change if she's resisting you -- for some kids, a different person swooping in and doing it swiftly can be enough of a distraction to get the job done. Whatever it takes. This will pass, truly.

But realize that she is not exhibiting "defiant behavior." That's not a term to use for what is a tiring but entirely normal developmental stage. Talk to her constantly so she is always hearing and learning speech, because speech is what she craves. What she actually would SAY if she could talk right now isn't what you'd like to hear either, since it would be "Don't strap me in, don't change me," but at least she'll eventually be able to speak those words and won't "talk" with her body. It's exhausting for her, too, being unable to express anything.

You say you "feel intuitively that something's wrong here" but this is normal. Every time you mention that she's resistant (diaper change, car seat, stroller) is a classic time when most kids her age resist what the adults want.. Can you see why? These are all times when she feels confined so of course she resists the only way she can, since she cannot verbally express what she wants. If you're interpreting this as some kind of issue with her having a defiant personality, or no longer being "sweet," or disliking you or whatever -- you're reading far too much into it. Ask your pediatrician if you don't believe us here.

Print out Leigh's answer and keep it close with you for the next few years.
Kids do this, even the sweetest ones. They aren't always going to like what seems 'normal' for us.

One thing I want to add-- if this continues on and on, if she's crying the *entire time* she's in the carseat or stroller, just have her checked by her pediatrician for any back issues. One of my nieces exhibited similar behaviors and it did turn out to be an undiagnosed issue which was corrected. But again, that is very rare.... mostly they scream and fuss because they know they are going to be limited in their movement for a while. At this age, their JOB is moving and developing those gross motor skills. And PLEASE-- Do NOT take this personally. She isn't doing this 'to' or 'at' you, necessarily... I had kids I was a nanny for do this with me sometimes as well. She feels safe enough with you to show you her true feelings.

She's not doing it to you. She's doing it because she's trying to figure out how to get what she wants and to do the things she wants to do. It's just a stage in her development.

You can't let her win when it comes to important things like her safety and well being. Just try to remain calm and explain what needs to happen. Put words to her feelings if you can. Saying something like "I know you are upset because you want to play but we need to change you diaper." or "I know you feel angry about being in the car seat but I love you and want you to be safe.'

She isn't' doing anything to you. Please do read up on child development.

When she does thing like fight the car seat, you just put her in it. I found saying," i'm going to count to three, and then I'll put you in," a great way to get them to do it themselves. With the diaper, you just flip over, remain calm, and say," please lay flat, I need to change your diaper." After doing this a bunch of time, she will just start to cooperate again.

I haven't read the other answers so I hope I'm not being too repetitive.

Your girl doesn't have anything against you. She's just becoming more aware of herself as a person. She's interested in asserting herself.

This is a good thing! You did it when you were that age, too. But she can't use words yet to assert herself, so she does it bodily.

Wrap your mind around the idea of being both FRIENDLY and FIRM. Even though it might seem she isn't paying attention, talk to her as you buckle her into her car seat or change her diaper. Don't try to distract her if she's not distractible, but talk to her about what you're doing as you do it. It can't hurt, and it might help. Think of her struggles as her playing a little power game that she needs NOT to win. Babies can be real drama queens (and kings).

Having her do the things you need her to do may take some "physical wrestling," as you put it, but that's not the same thing as abusiveness. She may not like doing what you want done, but you're the mother, and it's your job to go ahead and do what you know is best.

Your daughter may be strong physically, but she's not as strong as you are! You can admire her strength, but you can still be firm and friendly. (I'm emphasizing those two words because it took me some time to get the notion that the two can go together!)

This is a reason God gave children parents. The baby is starting to grow up and have opinions about things - but opinions aren't the same as knowledge and wisdom. She wouldn't have the slightest chance to know what to do without a parent to teach and train her.

You can't reason with a one-year-old. You just need to lead. Don't think she should be appreciative of what you're doing for her, either. That won't happen until she's thirty! And yes, if she had the opportunity and the motivation, she would make the same power struggle with other people. It's part of her growing up.

Do you know some mothers where you live who have children a little older than yours, and whom you might consider role models for you in this baby-management period? Talk to them. Pick their brains. They'll help you learn how to do it and, hopefully, will encourage you. None of us was born knowing what to do. Maternal instinct doesn't go that far. Learning is good.

This is just the mildest stage of the search for independence.

Absolutely nothing "intensively" wrong with her being defiant and you struggling with her and making her do what's best.

When we moms were young, we thought if you loved your child and tried to do the right things, then your child would never resist or be defiant. That's before we had kids.

You can still keep it manageable and low key if most of your responses are mater of fact but low key. If you get mad and yell, she will get yell and get mad with her responses
. And remember for most things, there is no "right" way to do things like changing a diaper, do the best you can as quickly as you can! Sometimes you have to change things just to suit your child's personality or your situation.

Children change your life. You can love them to pieces and still have to spend the day saying, no, or forcing them into a car seat. They will still love you.

This is normal at this age. It isn't about fighting you, it's about developing a sense of independence and having her own wants.

The times she fights are when she's being made to get into a confined space against her (newly forming) will.

Have you tried asking her to get in herself? At this stage (and forever) kids like to feel like they have some choice... even if they are very limited choices.

Try "It's time to go to the store. Would you like to climb into your carseat all by yourself, or would you like me to lift you up?" "Time for a walk outside. Do you want to try walking next to me, or would you prefer to get in the stroller." Getting to make the decision herself... and be the boss for a moment may take care of this entirely.

13 months SEEMS young because we're adults... but to HER it's the oldest, and most capable she's ever been! Let her put that capability to use. :)

This is your first question and it seems you may need to study up on child development.

Find a good Book that will lead you through what to expect and how to help your child.

Your expectation is way too advanced. Children this age are not trying to be bad.

Since they do not have much language, reason or experience with being alive and interacting, they can become frustrated. They know what they want, but not how to get it.

As a mom, your job is to guide your child. To give her the words for her feelings and her needs.

This is not about what you need at this point as much as it is what you will be teaching your child.

You are for many, many years going to be doing this for your child.

There is no "power struggle". There is frustration, excitement and curiosity, coming from your child.

Imagine living in another country where you go not know the language, the culture and your arms and legs are easily tired or feel weak, but inside you were excited and fascinated about everything.. . That is what your child feels all of the time. If a person from this country were to guide you, teach you and help you solve these frustrations, you would feel cared for and safe. This is your job.

Planning, simple words and acknowledging that she is her own little person will help you better understand who she is and what she is feeling.

Totally normal behavior, she does it with you and not others because she knows/feels safe and secure with you. Whereas with others she's not so sure. Try talking to her before you need to put her in her seat. Let her know before hand what you'll be doing. Maybe instead of a power struggle, tickle her. Make things a game instead. She will out grow this phase. When she throws herself down, don't say anything to her calmly walk away. Only give positive attention, none to negative behavior.

There is nothing wrong here at all. This is completely normal. Just carry on with what you need to do, wrestle her if you need to. Pay no mind to it and eventually she'll stop doing it. Some kids do it longer than others. It just depends on when they develop verbal skills.

My youngest was my biggest and did the arching back/fighting to get in the car seat thing for the longest. He was a very strong baby/toddler and hard to restrain. I eventually resorted to handing him a cookie right when I was about to buckle him in. He didn't get many sweets, so this worked well. Obviously you can't do it for diaper changes since she'd be laying down, but you might try it for the car seat or stroller.

This too shall pass!

What Leigh said. I would add that you're taking this too personally. This isn't about you or what you need to do. This is your daughter trying to exert her first steps of independence and declaring what she wants. She can't verbally tell you she doesn't want her diaper changed, so she shows you with her body.

I really like another mom's suggestion that you speak calmly to her and explain why you're doing what you're doing - and maybe get faster at the diaper changes. My husband and I got super fast. Plus, we stopped changing her on any raised surface and did it on the floor.

This is a totally normal developmental stage.. There is nothing wrong here. It is normal for toddlers to strive for independence... and if she had the opportunity she would do the same for another caregiver.

Do not take it personally. sometimes we have to force kids in car seats for their safety.. we have to change diapers and sometimes they have to take yucky tasting medicine.. .. so yes if you have to physically wrestle her.. that is what has to happen. soon she will understand more and you can use other techniques..

do not think about the "let her win" your daughter is normal.. and you have to do somethings that she doesn't like...

I'm an older mom and recall the days of the child's will vs mom's. You do what you have to do to get the job done and don't feel bad about it.

As others have said she is experiencing her world and the world is expanding as she grows. There are many new things to look at, touch, feel, and do.

My main memory was the time I had to give my son medicine and he was about 17 months old and a big baby. He wound up with me sitting on him and with my legs pinning him down in a weird way to get the medicine in him al the while he was crying and fighting me. The medicine went in on one of his gasps for air and he swallowed. The medicine was given and the fight was over. I never let on how exhausted I was after the round but it had to be done. He never recalled the medicine and your daughter will not recall these fights either in life.

You are not hurting or scaring your child for life. You are all she knows and you must stay strong and be the leader to show and train her how the world works. Do get some books to read on child development so that you know the steps by month so that you are prepared. I had a neighbor who had a son about 18 months older than mine and he did some crazy things as a young child. So when my son did them, I knew it was a normal thing for a boy to do.

Spend more time with your child to understand her. Working moms don't always know how their child reacts as they are at daycare.

Hang in there. Also learn to use different tones in your voice so that your child knows when mom is not happy with her.

You will do fine. Be firm and love her, be her protector and teacher but above all be her mom.

the other S.

PS She will thank you as another said later in life. It may come when she gets married or when she has her first child.

Totally normal. Both my kids did that for a good 4-5 months. I had to have her dad help me.... She listened better to him.

It's normal. I read the three responses below and agree with all of them.

Perfectly normal behavior at that age. Do not fret. This too shall pass. Some things are non negotiable like carseats and strollers. Choose your battles.

I am mom of one, step mom to two, and grandma to eight and THEY ALL did that! She wants to do what she wants to do and it's not what you are doing! So, she's trying to get her way.

When it comes to having her diaper changed or not wanting to get into the car seat, you just have to wrestler her into submission. You won't be the first mom to hold her child down so she could change a diaper!