June 03, 2008,
R.P. asks from Peoria, IL on November 20, 2006
Young Teenage Girls Having Sex!
I am struggling with how the young teens these days think having sex is "just something they all do."
We are a christian home and our kids have been raised knowing write from wrong. Morals and value have always been put into place since they were very little. As the kids get older you try to give them their independence and trust they will make good choices in their lives as they are faced with peer pressure.
My daughter who is 14 has recently had sex with her boyfriend. This was a blow to my heart because we have worked so hard to communicate the importance of being pure for when you get married. In talking with my daughter and some of her friends, they say that sex really isn't that big of a deal. It's just something they do. Drinking is also just something they do.
How can we as parents keep our kids safe without having to lock them in a closet for their own good?
So What Happened?™
First of all I want to thank everyone who responded to my post. I was really stressing out and reading your posts helped me to be calm and think clearer. So Thank You all very much.
Just to answer a few questions that were asked a lot by you all:
We do keep track of who she hangs with and we always speak to the parents before she can go to their houses, expecially for overnighters.
When she had sex, my husband and I was on vacation celebrating our anniversary. She was left with my sister to watch her. My sister was at work and the high school had a day off. My daughter was letf at her house while she was at work that day.
I did take my daughter to Planned Parenthood. They would not do a pregnancy test on her because she has not been at least one week late on her period. She has had one period since then and is getting ready to start her second period. For my own peace of mind, I did an at home preg. test and it came out negative. We talked about birthcontroll and she was totally against it because she has to have a pelvic exam to go on birhcontrol. She is scared to have that done. I asked her what I could expect as far as her having sex again, she said she did not plan on doing it again but she could not promise me that she would not be tempted and not be able to say no. UGH!!! Right now she is banned from spending any time at all with this boy. I called and talked to his parents and they said they will talk to him. I talked to the boy and he is not happy with me, he said he loves her and she loves him and that is why they had sex. He also said that whether I like it or not, he will love her till the day they break up. Isn't that nice of him, he is going to love her until the day they break up. I told my daughter that love is so much more than what he has for her. She just laughed it off.
I asked her about the day they had sex. She said she cried herself to sleep, it hurt, and she wished she never done it. I am not sure I believe her, I am working on that. To show you how nieve she still is, she thougth she was still a virgin because she did not blead. She said he did not "pop her cherry" so she was still a virgin. The look on her face when I told her differently was like putting a knife in my heart. She is so young. We are talking alot and I have told her she is welcome to read any of these post and reply or asked questions if she wants to. As of right now, she is not interested.
Our conversations will be more often, we will put her on birthcontroll if she can not refrain from having sex, but for now, we are trying to get some normalcy back in our home. Funny how things like this bring people closer together.
Thanks for all your help. R. P.
A.H. answers from Springfield on November 22, 2006
History on me: I'm a single/divorced mother of 3 teenage girls (ages 18, 14, and 13)--now in a long-term relationship, and originally a teenage mother myself, I can say this is a tough area for any mother (or parent for that matter).
I would say not to be too lenient one way or another. Don't be ignorant as well. Just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it isn't happening, and avoiding it won't make it go away--just makes it worse when you do deal with it finally. OPEN COMMUNICATION and EDUCATION are keys to learning what your child is doing and guiding your child into making good decisions. Many parents make the mistake of thinking that they only need to parent until the child is a teenager and then let the child make decisions based on what they were taught as a small child while growing up. While on some level this is true, the teenager still needs to be guided to adulthood. Raising a child to say no to their peers takes more than just saying no. You need to role play and teach them "WHY" they are to say no to their peers(whether is it saying no to drug, sex, breaking the law, etc). This will help your child to come up with rebutals when their friends start making arguments towards breaking your family rules and values.
1) Keep the lines of communication open!Have a family meeting with your child to better understand your child and to state the family rules and values. Don't assume they are known; tell your child exactly and consequences for their actions. Everything in life has a consequence, some are short and some are long. Some are known immediately, and some are not known until years later, but there are consequences for EVERYTHING!
2)The child needs to know the family rules and the consequences for breaking those family rules. Be aware of your child's friends and activities at all times! If they won't tell you and they can't be checked out (such as no parental supervision), he/she can't go.
3) Teach your child the consequences to his/her decisions BEFORE they commit the crime. In your case, have her babysit/co-babysit for FREE (like one mother suggested), or get one of those babies that you hear about and they actually print out the results of how your child takes care of this baby doll. This will be able to show your child if he/she has what it takes to handle caring for a baby of their own. Many will find it a bother and then you can explain the precautions to take to avoid those circumstances BEFORE they happen.
4) Find someone in your community that has been pregnant (a teen mom or dad) and have them discuss with your child how sex affected them, their lives, and their goals.
5) Find someone in your community that has been affected by a sexually transmitted disease and how it affected their lives.
6) Teach them the art of volunteering their time.
7) Ask them to explain their goals. What does he/she want to be as an adult? Does he/she have any goals? If not, help them to set up some goals and a plan of action to make them happen. If so, explain that their actions could actually keep those dreams from happening.
8) Find a mentor in your community for your child.
9) Help them find some hobbies to keep them busy and away from the negative behaviors and friends.
10) Help your child to better see you as a person. Relate to them as a person, but remember to be a parent first and foremost. You cannot be a friend AND a parent. You are the parent and must come so from a place of authority. But sometimes you can see be more like a person if you are willing to discuss your childhood and some of the lessons you learned along the way. Also, let them know that your decisions, mistakes, or story in anyway does not condone their behavior, but instead is being told so that he/she can better relate to you as a person and that you (from your experiences) can understand the situation and feelings that go with it.
If you need anything, feel free to contact me.
4 moms found this helpful
C.D. answers from Springfield on November 20, 2006
This is a really tough subject and I'm not the parent of a teenager yet, but I was a teenager myself just a few years ago and I can see how your daughter is thinking. Everyone around her is having sex and drinking, which is pretty true. There are a lot worse things they are doing as well.
I'm curious to know how you found out about your daughter's first sexual experience...did she come right out and tell you? If so, it may not seem good right now, but it is. She trusts you enough to tell you something so private. You're not going to be able to stop her from doing it again, but you can protect her. It's time for a visit to planned parenthood or another caregiver, birth control, condom, STD, HIV education at home. Don't count on the schools to properly explain all this. I know you may be thinking that by getting her on a birth control just condones sexual activity but in reality it doesn't. Had my parents taken the time with me to do so, I wouldn't have had my first pregnancy at 16/17.
The best advice I can offer based on my own experiences, keep the lines of communication open, no matter how uncomfortable the subject may get.
3 moms found this helpful
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K.L. answers from Oklahoma City on November 21, 2006
This is a VERY hard one. Does anyone you know have a small child? Have her baby sit and see what it is like. Then, talk with her about how she would feel if that was ALL her life from now on, but she didn't get paid for it.
Getting her in to see a doctor is a very good idea. Try to find a female physician if possible. From my experience with gynecologists, young females tend to pay more attention to a female physician giving them the facts than a male doctor "preaching" at them. Guess its just their view point.
Most 14 year olds bodies are not ready to have a baby, even though they can get pregnant. My worst day ever at work was taking care of a girl... yes, girl, at the age of 12, which happened to be the same age as my daughter. Her labor was horrible because her body was not ready for what was happening, and she ended up having a c-section because of it. She just cried and covered her face the whole time she was in labor.
It also might help for BOTH of you to look up some of the more common sexually transmitted diseases on the internet. Not just what they are, but the long term complications. Once you get some of them, they are there for the rest of your life, and will have to be addressed with each partner you have sex with. Some of the great ones my daughter and myself looked up together were HPV (aka condyloma, vaginal warts), hepatitis b and C, HIV, and herpes. When you start discussing the direct effects, and its not something you can just take a pill and its cured.. it looks a little more real.
If you would like to talk to me, or even let her talk to me just send me an email. I would be happy to give her some serious facts and the reality of the whole thing. Sex is not a game, it has real life consequences, if not just physically, but emotionally as well.
2 moms found this helpful
B.S. answers from Rockford on November 20, 2006
I have raised a boy and 2 girls and all I can tell you is to do the best you can and when they make bad decisions they have to pay the price. I taught mine right from wrong, think of other's feelings, all that stuff, but you also have to tell them they can come to you with anything at anytime and even if it's bad, you will be there for them. Tell them that they have a conscience and it's their gut feeling and to listen to it when making a serious decision (like having sex) and that they DON'T have to follow the crowd if it doesn't feel right to them. They are an independent person and they are the one who has to live with their decisions and actions. We all make mistakes and as parents we just teach them the best we can and set an example for them and hope that they will listen to us, but some things you just have to learn on your own. Keep communication open and talk to your kids about anything they want to talk about, even if it's not easy for you. They may act like they are mad or don't want to hear it, but I promise you, they will hear you and it will make a difference in their decisions. Good luck!
1 mom found this helpful
K.H. answers from St. Louis on November 20, 2006
I'm sorry, but I think locking her in a closet is a GOOD idea. It sounds like peer pressure from the wrong kind of friends. I have a 14 yr old boy and heaven help him if he gets caught drinking or having sex. I know all of the parents of his friends, and they keep a watchful eye on them as I do. 1st I would call the boyfriend's parents and put an end to that, and then I would not let her out of the house until she could prove to be responsible enough to have extra-curricular activities that do not include alcohol and sex.
1 mom found this helpful
P.B. answers from Peoria on November 20, 2006
Mom, these days are way differebt than ours. Peer pressure is what gets them into situations they are not ready for. To me, you as a parent has done what you were suppose to do, teach them the Lords ways and hope it sinks in. Now, she is responsible for her own actions and will suffer the consequences. One, she won't marry a virgin, tow, she has gone against the Lord, three, she puts herself at risk for STD's. You've talked to her, she heard youu. Make sure she is protected and stress the point of having more than one partner and her reputation
1 mom found this helpful
J.T. answers from Kansas City on November 20, 2006
My question would be where was you daughter when this happened? And who is supplying alcohol to 14 year olds? I know that kids are going to do whatever they want regarless of what parents want, but still, 14 is so young. My parents always spoke with the parents whose house I was going to to make sure they would be home and supervising. I'm not saying it prevented sex forever, but it helped. I'm guessing since she's 14 you are driving her everywhere she is going, so go in and meet the parents or if its the movies, chaperone. It may make her miserable for a while, but she'll thank you later in life. Also, making her stay home for a while isn't the worst thing, it could be the best. I was raised in a Christian home also. My parents were devastated when they found out I was sexually active at 16 and grounded me for what seemed like forever. No phone, no leaving the house, nothing. They even took me out of the school I was attending. It seemed harsh and extreme at the time, but now that I am older I understand. Maybe from now on if she wants to spend time with friends it needs to be at your house under your supervision.
Another thing to really press upon you daughter is the risk of pregnancy. She needs to know that even if they are using protection it can happen and it will change her life FOREVER!!! Neither of them can support a child at this point, and odds are at 14 this is not the boy she is going to spend the rest of her life with. Having been a teenager not too long ago, I know that none of this is what your daughter wants to hear. She is going to fight you on it, but be strong. I was 18 when I got pregnant, and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Being grounded and taken out of my school paled in comparison to the devastation pregnancy caused my family. The effect is bigger than your daughter could ever imagine. Best of luck to you. You and your family will be in my prayers.
1 mom found this helpful
D.A. answers from Decatur on November 20, 2006
COMING FROM A CHRISTIAN HOME THEN YOU KNOW THAT THE FIRST THING TO DO IS PULL THE PLUG ON THE FRIENDS SHE IS HANGING WITH. BE PREPARED FOR WORLD WAR 3. YOU AS HER PARENT HAVE GOT TO BE THE TOUGH ONE AND STAND YOUR GROUND OR YOUR BABY WILL END UP LIKE SO MANY TEENS WE HEAR ABOUT. I HAVE A DAUGHTER WHO WILL BE 17 AND I AM VERY STRICT WITH HER. SHE IS STILL A VIRGIN AND I KEEP PRAYING SHE WILL REMAIN THAT WAY. GOD HAS TRULY BEEN MY SOURCE OF FAITH AND HE HAS HELOED ME RECOGONIZE ALL THE SIGNS OF WHERE SHE IS GOING SO THAT I AM AWARE OF IT. AS FOR DRINKING- SHE IS 14 AND SHOULD BE LOCKED IN HER ROOM AND FORCED TO GO TO A FEW ALATEN MEETINGS TO SEE WHERE DRINKING WILL LEAD HER. LIMIT HER FRIENDS TO ONLY THOSE IN CHURCH AND STAND YOUR GROUND. ALSO CONTACT THE OTHER PARENTS AND LET THEM KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON. THEIR LIVES COULD DEPEND ON IT.
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