24 answers

Young Teenage Girls Having Sex!

I am struggling with how the young teens these days think having sex is "just something they all do."

We are a christian home and our kids have been raised knowing write from wrong. Morals and value have always been put into place since they were very little. As the kids get older you try to give them their independence and trust they will make good choices in their lives as they are faced with peer pressure.

My daughter who is 14 has recently had sex with her boyfriend. This was a blow to my heart because we have worked so hard to communicate the importance of being pure for when you get married. In talking with my daughter and some of her friends, they say that sex really isn't that big of a deal. It's just something they do. Drinking is also just something they do.

How can we as parents keep our kids safe without having to lock them in a closet for their own good?

How can parents fight highschool peer pressure when you feel you have been doing a good job raising your child?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

First of all I want to thank everyone who responded to my post. I was really stressing out and reading your posts helped me to be calm and think clearer. So Thank You all very much.

Just to answer a few questions that were asked a lot by you all:
We do keep track of who she hangs with and we always speak to the parents before she can go to their houses, expecially for overnighters.
When she had sex, my husband and I was on vacation celebrating our anniversary. She was left with my sister to watch her. My sister was at work and the high school had a day off. My daughter was letf at her house while she was at work that day.
I did take my daughter to Planned Parenthood. They would not do a pregnancy test on her because she has not been at least one week late on her period. She has had one period since then and is getting ready to start her second period. For my own peace of mind, I did an at home preg. test and it came out negative. We talked about birthcontroll and she was totally against it because she has to have a pelvic exam to go on birhcontrol. She is scared to have that done. I asked her what I could expect as far as her having sex again, she said she did not plan on doing it again but she could not promise me that she would not be tempted and not be able to say no. UGH!!! Right now she is banned from spending any time at all with this boy. I called and talked to his parents and they said they will talk to him. I talked to the boy and he is not happy with me, he said he loves her and she loves him and that is why they had sex. He also said that whether I like it or not, he will love her till the day they break up. Isn't that nice of him, he is going to love her until the day they break up. I told my daughter that love is so much more than what he has for her. She just laughed it off.
I asked her about the day they had sex. She said she cried herself to sleep, it hurt, and she wished she never done it. I am not sure I believe her, I am working on that. To show you how nieve she still is, she thougth she was still a virgin because she did not blead. She said he did not "pop her cherry" so she was still a virgin. The look on her face when I told her differently was like putting a knife in my heart. She is so young. We are talking alot and I have told her she is welcome to read any of these post and reply or asked questions if she wants to. As of right now, she is not interested.
Our conversations will be more often, we will put her on birthcontroll if she can not refrain from having sex, but for now, we are trying to get some normalcy back in our home. Funny how things like this bring people closer together.
Thanks for all your help. R. P.

More Answers

History on me: I'm a single/divorced mother of 3 teenage girls (ages 18, 14, and 13)--now in a long-term relationship, and originally a teenage mother myself, I can say this is a tough area for any mother (or parent for that matter).

I would say not to be too lenient one way or another. Don't be ignorant as well. Just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it isn't happening, and avoiding it won't make it go away--just makes it worse when you do deal with it finally. OPEN COMMUNICATION and EDUCATION are keys to learning what your child is doing and guiding your child into making good decisions. Many parents make the mistake of thinking that they only need to parent until the child is a teenager and then let the child make decisions based on what they were taught as a small child while growing up. While on some level this is true, the teenager still needs to be guided to adulthood. Raising a child to say no to their peers takes more than just saying no. You need to role play and teach them "WHY" they are to say no to their peers(whether is it saying no to drug, sex, breaking the law, etc). This will help your child to come up with rebutals when their friends start making arguments towards breaking your family rules and values.

1) Keep the lines of communication open!Have a family meeting with your child to better understand your child and to state the family rules and values. Don't assume they are known; tell your child exactly and consequences for their actions. Everything in life has a consequence, some are short and some are long. Some are known immediately, and some are not known until years later, but there are consequences for EVERYTHING!

2)The child needs to know the family rules and the consequences for breaking those family rules. Be aware of your child's friends and activities at all times! If they won't tell you and they can't be checked out (such as no parental supervision), he/she can't go.

3) Teach your child the consequences to his/her decisions BEFORE they commit the crime. In your case, have her babysit/co-babysit for FREE (like one mother suggested), or get one of those babies that you hear about and they actually print out the results of how your child takes care of this baby doll. This will be able to show your child if he/she has what it takes to handle caring for a baby of their own. Many will find it a bother and then you can explain the precautions to take to avoid those circumstances BEFORE they happen.

4) Find someone in your community that has been pregnant (a teen mom or dad) and have them discuss with your child how sex affected them, their lives, and their goals.

5) Find someone in your community that has been affected by a sexually transmitted disease and how it affected their lives.

6) Teach them the art of volunteering their time.

7) Ask them to explain their goals. What does he/she want to be as an adult? Does he/she have any goals? If not, help them to set up some goals and a plan of action to make them happen. If so, explain that their actions could actually keep those dreams from happening.

8) Find a mentor in your community for your child.

9) Help them find some hobbies to keep them busy and away from the negative behaviors and friends.

10) Help your child to better see you as a person. Relate to them as a person, but remember to be a parent first and foremost. You cannot be a friend AND a parent. You are the parent and must come so from a place of authority. But sometimes you can see be more like a person if you are willing to discuss your childhood and some of the lessons you learned along the way. Also, let them know that your decisions, mistakes, or story in anyway does not condone their behavior, but instead is being told so that he/she can better relate to you as a person and that you (from your experiences) can understand the situation and feelings that go with it.

If you need anything, feel free to contact me.

A.

4 moms found this helpful

This is a really tough subject and I'm not the parent of a teenager yet, but I was a teenager myself just a few years ago and I can see how your daughter is thinking. Everyone around her is having sex and drinking, which is pretty true. There are a lot worse things they are doing as well.

I'm curious to know how you found out about your daughter's first sexual experience...did she come right out and tell you? If so, it may not seem good right now, but it is. She trusts you enough to tell you something so private. You're not going to be able to stop her from doing it again, but you can protect her. It's time for a visit to planned parenthood or another caregiver, birth control, condom, STD, HIV education at home. Don't count on the schools to properly explain all this. I know you may be thinking that by getting her on a birth control just condones sexual activity but in reality it doesn't. Had my parents taken the time with me to do so, I wouldn't have had my first pregnancy at 16/17.

The best advice I can offer based on my own experiences, keep the lines of communication open, no matter how uncomfortable the subject may get.

3 moms found this helpful

R.,

This is a VERY hard one. Does anyone you know have a small child? Have her baby sit and see what it is like. Then, talk with her about how she would feel if that was ALL her life from now on, but she didn't get paid for it.

Getting her in to see a doctor is a very good idea. Try to find a female physician if possible. From my experience with gynecologists, young females tend to pay more attention to a female physician giving them the facts than a male doctor "preaching" at them. Guess its just their view point.

Most 14 year olds bodies are not ready to have a baby, even though they can get pregnant. My worst day ever at work was taking care of a girl... yes, girl, at the age of 12, which happened to be the same age as my daughter. Her labor was horrible because her body was not ready for what was happening, and she ended up having a c-section because of it. She just cried and covered her face the whole time she was in labor.

It also might help for BOTH of you to look up some of the more common sexually transmitted diseases on the internet. Not just what they are, but the long term complications. Once you get some of them, they are there for the rest of your life, and will have to be addressed with each partner you have sex with. Some of the great ones my daughter and myself looked up together were HPV (aka condyloma, vaginal warts), hepatitis b and C, HIV, and herpes. When you start discussing the direct effects, and its not something you can just take a pill and its cured.. it looks a little more real.

If you would like to talk to me, or even let her talk to me just send me an email. I would be happy to give her some serious facts and the reality of the whole thing. Sex is not a game, it has real life consequences, if not just physically, but emotionally as well.

2 moms found this helpful

I have raised a boy and 2 girls and all I can tell you is to do the best you can and when they make bad decisions they have to pay the price. I taught mine right from wrong, think of other's feelings, all that stuff, but you also have to tell them they can come to you with anything at anytime and even if it's bad, you will be there for them. Tell them that they have a conscience and it's their gut feeling and to listen to it when making a serious decision (like having sex) and that they DON'T have to follow the crowd if it doesn't feel right to them. They are an independent person and they are the one who has to live with their decisions and actions. We all make mistakes and as parents we just teach them the best we can and set an example for them and hope that they will listen to us, but some things you just have to learn on your own. Keep communication open and talk to your kids about anything they want to talk about, even if it's not easy for you. They may act like they are mad or don't want to hear it, but I promise you, they will hear you and it will make a difference in their decisions. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I'm sorry, but I think locking her in a closet is a GOOD idea. It sounds like peer pressure from the wrong kind of friends. I have a 14 yr old boy and heaven help him if he gets caught drinking or having sex. I know all of the parents of his friends, and they keep a watchful eye on them as I do. 1st I would call the boyfriend's parents and put an end to that, and then I would not let her out of the house until she could prove to be responsible enough to have extra-curricular activities that do not include alcohol and sex.

1 mom found this helpful

Mom, these days are way differebt than ours. Peer pressure is what gets them into situations they are not ready for. To me, you as a parent has done what you were suppose to do, teach them the Lords ways and hope it sinks in. Now, she is responsible for her own actions and will suffer the consequences. One, she won't marry a virgin, tow, she has gone against the Lord, three, she puts herself at risk for STD's. You've talked to her, she heard youu. Make sure she is protected and stress the point of having more than one partner and her reputation

1 mom found this helpful

My question would be where was you daughter when this happened? And who is supplying alcohol to 14 year olds? I know that kids are going to do whatever they want regarless of what parents want, but still, 14 is so young. My parents always spoke with the parents whose house I was going to to make sure they would be home and supervising. I'm not saying it prevented sex forever, but it helped. I'm guessing since she's 14 you are driving her everywhere she is going, so go in and meet the parents or if its the movies, chaperone. It may make her miserable for a while, but she'll thank you later in life. Also, making her stay home for a while isn't the worst thing, it could be the best. I was raised in a Christian home also. My parents were devastated when they found out I was sexually active at 16 and grounded me for what seemed like forever. No phone, no leaving the house, nothing. They even took me out of the school I was attending. It seemed harsh and extreme at the time, but now that I am older I understand. Maybe from now on if she wants to spend time with friends it needs to be at your house under your supervision.

Another thing to really press upon you daughter is the risk of pregnancy. She needs to know that even if they are using protection it can happen and it will change her life FOREVER!!! Neither of them can support a child at this point, and odds are at 14 this is not the boy she is going to spend the rest of her life with. Having been a teenager not too long ago, I know that none of this is what your daughter wants to hear. She is going to fight you on it, but be strong. I was 18 when I got pregnant, and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Being grounded and taken out of my school paled in comparison to the devastation pregnancy caused my family. The effect is bigger than your daughter could ever imagine. Best of luck to you. You and your family will be in my prayers.

1 mom found this helpful

COMING FROM A CHRISTIAN HOME THEN YOU KNOW THAT THE FIRST THING TO DO IS PULL THE PLUG ON THE FRIENDS SHE IS HANGING WITH. BE PREPARED FOR WORLD WAR 3. YOU AS HER PARENT HAVE GOT TO BE THE TOUGH ONE AND STAND YOUR GROUND OR YOUR BABY WILL END UP LIKE SO MANY TEENS WE HEAR ABOUT. I HAVE A DAUGHTER WHO WILL BE 17 AND I AM VERY STRICT WITH HER. SHE IS STILL A VIRGIN AND I KEEP PRAYING SHE WILL REMAIN THAT WAY. GOD HAS TRULY BEEN MY SOURCE OF FAITH AND HE HAS HELOED ME RECOGONIZE ALL THE SIGNS OF WHERE SHE IS GOING SO THAT I AM AWARE OF IT. AS FOR DRINKING- SHE IS 14 AND SHOULD BE LOCKED IN HER ROOM AND FORCED TO GO TO A FEW ALATEN MEETINGS TO SEE WHERE DRINKING WILL LEAD HER. LIMIT HER FRIENDS TO ONLY THOSE IN CHURCH AND STAND YOUR GROUND. ALSO CONTACT THE OTHER PARENTS AND LET THEM KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON. THEIR LIVES COULD DEPEND ON IT.

1 mom found this helpful

Definately take her to get birth control. I became a mother at 15 years old. My mother now has custody of my oldest daughter. I am 24 with 3 children now. One thing i was not forced to do was take sex ed, now my mother is thinking she should have made me. I don't really know what kind of advice to give in the situation,though I have been the teen. I think I just surrounded myself with the wrong crowd. Everyone was doing it and I think one thing that changed me was getting raped at 14, from hanging out with the wrong crowd. You need to make sure u always have a way to get ahold of her and know who she is with. Just be there and continue to talk to her. I wish I could help u with some better info. Good luck

1 mom found this helpful

Open communication is the key. Let her know that you are there to answer questions about sex and relationships. Help her get on birth control. Tell her about planned parenthood so that she can get help if she is too scared to seek it from her parents. I personally think it's unreasonable in this day and age to expect young people to abstain from sex. It's in our human nature. It's best to educate them about it so that they don't get STD's and unwanted children. Good luck to you and your daughter.

1 mom found this helpful

R.,
your daughter is obviously going to have sex reguardless of what you have tought her. Some children just rebel. So now that she has had sex you have to teach her how to be safe about it. Take her to the doctor, get her on birth control, teach her how to use a condom or a diaphram, get her tested often for STD's. Becasue if you dont do these things you are going to have to be dealing with a whole lot more than just her having sex. You might have to deal with a baby or her having an STD. Good luck and hope that she sees the light and makes good choices about protecting herslef.

1 mom found this helpful

As a woman who had sex young as well, I would say that she is probably rebelling against your values. For some reason, she does not think your values apply to her lifestyle, based on what she sees in the rest of the world. Peer pressure is likely a factor; I will be homeschooling my children because I do not believe in surrendering them to the peer group at such a young age when their ability to make decisions is so unformed (that is a biological fact). Our educational practice of gathering 1000's of hormonal adolescents together in huge institutions is relatively new and, in my opinion, unwise. She will probably come around when she is older, but it may be too late by then (unwanted pregnancy, STD's, etc.). She doesn't understand the consequences, and she clearly has too much free, unsupervised time with this boy. I would not let her be alone with any boys; that is just asking for trouble. I don't even think she should be dating at her age. What is the point? In her mind, it is sex.

1 mom found this helpful

Ok, my advice will probably be a tad different. My kids are still very young so this is how I feel about the situation for the future. Talk with her to see if this is something she considers doing again. If so, then she needs information on birth control. Don't just talk to her about pregnancy risks though. Talk to her about STD's and also the one called HPV. I believe I read that 1 out of every 4 people including men, carry this virus. Most people not even knowing it. I found out with my 3rd pregnancy that I have it also. I'm sure you already know what it is but be sure to tell her there are FAR more risks than just having a baby! I had sex my first time at the age of 15. I REALLY wish I could go back into time and take it all back! Peer pressure is awful. Make sure to try and monitor the things she does and who she does them with. Pregnant and 14 is not a place she wants to be.

If in the future my daughter does the same thing and shrugs it off as nothing, then I will probably keep VERY close tabs on her. No unsupervised visits and I would have a sit down talk with her and the boyfriend together.

I would make sure not to yell or scream but be very matter-of-factly. The truth is very scary and the risks that go with under-age sex are frightning. Everyone makes mistakes. Some people learn from them. Hopefully she can be one of those people.

1 mom found this helpful

There is a great book out there called How to help your child say no to the sexual pressure. It will help you deal with it biblically to help instill moral convictions. Reading that should be step 1. Good luck, God Bless and I will keep you in my prayers!!!

B. :)

1 mom found this helpful

My oldest will be teenage soon and I do worry about her view on sex and alcohol, as well as other things. The only thing I would stress for helping with this situation is education. Get all the books, videos, etc you can on the consequences of sex and show them to your girl. She is old enough to handle the graphic stuff at this age and needs to know, without a doubt, what can come of having sex, especially unprotected. Even WITH protection, there is always risk and this also needs to be stressed to her. She may not like what she sees, she may be scared because of it, but she needs to know all she can about this in order to make better choices in the future.

1 mom found this helpful

Wow. My kids are still young and this is about #1 on my THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT list! I did have sex when I was young (15 to be exact). I KNOW how lucky I am that I did not have any consequences from that (other than my mother finding out which was about as horrible as I could've handled at the time.) That being said, I think you have done right by your child(ren) with instilling morals and values. It's true, we're having to let go of our kids younger and younger. No amount of punishing or grounding or locking up or taking friends away from her is going to diffuse the situation long term. Eventually, you have to let her out, you'll have to let her date, you'll have to let her pick her friends. My only advice to you is just be there as her mom and friend. I had no one but friends to talk to and teenage friends are NOT the right influence. I'd TALK to her about peer pressure and let her know she does NOT have to do what others do to fit in. If she feels that way, I'd simply suggest she find knew friends. I don't think force will get you anywhere. It will turn her against you and whatever kind of relationship you have with her you can kiss goodbye.

I am NOT saying be your kid's friend OVER being their parent. But when it comes to such extremely grown-up choices, the best thing you can do is be there and provide SOUND and logical advice, something she will NOT get from friends.

BE BLUNT. Don't beat around the bush. Talk to her about EVERYTHING and to hell with "embarassing" her by talking about it.

This is my 2 cents... it's the way I wish my mother had been with me anyway. I can't say for sure what I'll do when (and yes, it'll come) my kids get here... but for now this is my opinion. Honesty and maybe a some examples from some on this website or other people you know about will help. I happen to have a friend who got pregnant WHILE ON THE PILL so I STRONGLY advise telling her that will NOT prevent pregnancy ALONE (and it won't do anything about STD's of course.)

All the best to you and your family!
~K. =]

1 mom found this helpful

i know this may sound so messed up...and you may not want to read this...but, at least you know your daughter had sex...alot of parents don't know...it's scary as hell, trust me, i know. but what i had to do was talk to my daughter about sex and things to look for, things to watch out for and how to protect herself from std's and diseases. i had to teach her about respecting herself and her body. i hated talking about it to her, but i know i had to or otherwise she was going to learn it from the streets, and that's even scarier. you've done well with teaching good morals and values, but sex is apart of life, has been since the beginning of time, and it's not going anywhere no time soon, so you gotta start making sure she protects herself, physically, mentally and emotionally. now it's time to start teaching her how to be a respectable young lady who loves herself first and not fall all over the next boy that say's she's cute...i wish you the best in all that you do, and i hope that you have a good moral conversation with your young lady...( not your baby)

1 mom found this helpful

I was wondering also, did your daughter come and tell you or how did you find out it she was sexually active?? If she came to you at least that will make the communication easier regarding sex and all the things that can happen from it. Or that is my opinion anyway.

My parents NEVER talked about sex and i was lucky i didn't follow in the footsteps on my friend, whom all but 1 had at least 1 child by the time we graduated high school.

Do take her in for birth control and for her to get the CORRECT information about sex, etc...It doesnt mean you condone her having sex, you want her to have all the knowledge of what can happen, because we all know no matter what kids are going to do things we don't approve of (weren't we the same way at the age, thinking its not going to happen to us or what do our parents know, ha)

If you've instilled moral in her like you say, maybe she will wake up once she sees the consequences of early sex and hopefully hang with a different group of friends. I have a son who is 12 and he goes to NO ONES house unless i personally have already met the parents and know what goes on around their home. She may not like you meeting everyone's parents but stand your ground, if you don't meet them she doesnt go. Good luck and email if you have any other questions.

____@____.com

1 mom found this helpful

Just recently St.Louis has been said to be the city with the most STD's in the U.S. amoung teens. One thing I would do (since I don't have teens) would be take her one on one and talk to her about your concerns and make sure you let her know you are very dissappointed but through love, so she feels guilty in a good way. Just let her know that you just want her to save herself for when she gets married and how much joy she can have if she does save herself. Let her know that the atonment is very powerful. I myself made it as a vergin until I got married, by choice! I don't regreat it because now that I am married I have nothing to compare him to. Good luck and make sure you pray before you do anything!!

1 mom found this helpful

Hey R. ~ I was 15 when I first had sex. I also grew up in a christian home. How I wish I could go back in time and do things different, but if I did that then I would not have my son! I would love to talk to your daughter if you would like about what is like to have a child at 18. All the mess that goes with it! What a headace it has been. I would keep close tabs on her. Pop up unexpectedly to see if she is where she says she is.Follow her anything you can think of. I would do this often. I don't remember if you said if you worked or not. If so be home when she is home from school. This is when sex usually happpened! I don't know if this helps or not. Another thought is to have her go to a local pregnancy crisis center and talk to other teen moms. I do also think to you need to talk to her about STD. The HPV I now have it and batteling not to get cervical cancer. I have been doing this for 3 years and to think that this could effect my family now that I have 3 kids and a husband. That alone makes me feel so guilty about my teen years! I could go on and on! I will be praying for you and your daughter that she will make the right choices. In the end all you really can do is pray and give her to God! Feel fre to email me if you need to talk!
____@____.com
God Bless S.

1 mom found this helpful

Please do not lock your daughter in her room! That will make her even more angry & rebellious. When I was that way when I was younger I can recall the best thing would have been for me to be around people with strong morals that were accepting, friendly and fun! The problem is that many of the young people in youth groups and at church appear to be snobby or judgemental. This is probably a huge turn off to others. If you can find some hobby, sport, group, etc that is fun and can keep her out of trouble that would be best.

OK, Obviously everything you believe in isn't what she believes. First, how did you even find out? Did she come to you? If so that is a good start. Second, she can't promise you she won't do it again? Third, where does she go to school at? Even if you don't discuss it at home, schools have mandatory health education programs starting from a much younger age then 14. My 14 YO came back from school one day at the age of 12 in awe of all the bad things that having sex can result in....they even discussed how oral sex is still sex and can still cause diseases. To be 14 and think she is a virgin if her "cherry" didn't pop is just to naive. It hink she needs an education and she needs to see a doc also as life is to fragile and there are diseases there that could ruin her life. I have a freind who never could have kids due to a STD she picked up as a teen and never knew about.

I read this and as a once teenager I regret what I did in those day's before I met my husband it was something I did to feel loved to have someone there and sex was an emotional feeling that someone cared about me even though I was brougt up strict and as a catholic.I do regret my decision's and now after having a treatable STD I had really no idea who I received it from,that is gross.I hope that yur daughter does consider getting a pelvic exam and an STD test.I heard that teenage STD's are on the rise 1in4 or someting close to that has an STD and most don't even know they have it.Also you hear alot about HPV has she got vaccinated I'am 28 yr's old It came out after I was 26 so it was late but now they are trying to get it approved for women ages 26-40,I plan to get the vaccine as of last yr. I asked my DR. to do an HPV screening request on my pap and it was normal no HPV found.I hope that you and your daughter contiue to have an openend relationship.Also book's on STD's to show her what could happen is a great idea I wished my mom did that but I had to hear about it in school after I had sex and yes I was her age.However I knew about the bird's and bee's I just didn't really realize what STD's could do to you.If left untreated they can destroy your female part's.
I'am 28 2 kid's boy 4 girl 17 month's and been with my husband for almost 9 yrs.

I know that you've had a lot of replies, and I didn't read them all, but I just wanted to give another piece of advice. There is a vaccine now for HPV, and I would recommend taking her to get vaccinated for it. HPV can cause cervical cancer, and should be prevented at all costs!!! HPV and herpes can be spread even with the use of a condom, because the virus can live on the area of skin that is not covered by a condom. The virus can be active even if the skin looks normal (it may be in the beginning stages and not "broken out" yet.) I think you should take her to get a pelvic exam and checked for STD's regardless of whether or not she wants to go on birth control--it's a health issue.

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