Worries About the Future...

Mine two are 16 & 13 . . . both boys. They are very good, well-adjusted kids with friends and "lives." But they both love to be at home too, and they seem very open with us.

IMHO the best thing we have done to avoid problems so far is just spend ALOT of time together as a family. When you are highly invested in your kids, and they know it - it makes a huge difference when they are teens. That's not a relationship that can be built overnight - when they are little is the time to get it going. To a child love is spelled "T-I-M-E."

Another thing that I think that has been helpful (sounds odd) - board games. That gives them insight into adult thought process and decision making. We have had some great discussions just out of games.

Good luck and try not to worry (easier said than done, I know). Stay close with them now so they'll have confidence in you later.

My Dad... no matter what, good or bad, was there for us, WITHOUT judgment and he accepted us for who we were. He... did not act like a "Buddy" but a parent.
But for me, as a teen and older, I KNEW I could trust him, that he was there for me, that I could tell him ANYTHING and he'd understand or at least try to. He talked with us, not 'at' us.... and did not lecture... but guided.
Big difference.

I had all kinds of phases and not always angelic. But, my Dad, was the ONE person, I KNEW, I could ALWAYS count on. So despite my many phases.... I ALWAYS went to him, for 'problems' or joys. I knew... he would not judge me... but treat me respectfully and understand.
And, he had 'credibility' with me.... I KNEW he knew, what I was going through.
We had a "RELATIONSHIP"..... with my Dad. Not being about lectures or scolding or punishments. But a 'relationship" that was built, from when we were MUCH younger.
He did not EXPECT me/my siblings to be PERFECT... but that we were happy. And did not go by his ideas of what we 'should' be. But he KNEW me. And I knew that. Thus, mutual respect.

My Dad, ALWAYS made it clear to us... that we could go to him for ANYTHING under the sun... not matter what the problem. Thus, we did not have 'fear' of admitting things to him or talking about anything...

all the best,
Susan

I think it is important to instill in our children the reason for our morality. Why do we believe the way we do? Is it merely because of the consequences? Or is there something more? When we live and breathe our ethics and morals, not just grabbing stuff from the air, it makes an impact in our children. It becomes second nature. We discuss the reasons we do the things we do. We talk about what it might be like if we did things differently. In our family, we have a strong faith in the God of the Bible. We live for Him. Our morality is based on His Law, not on some random ethics code developed by men for no other purpose than to control their circumstances. We teach these things diligently to our children, when we sit in the house, when we walk by the way, when we lie down, and when we rise up. It is my opinion that approaching this any other way is a huge gamble. I praise you for seeing these real issues and wanting to teach your children the path of life, not death. But, there is truly only one way to life. If you teach them these things and they never do drugs or have sex outside of marriage, it is all for nothing if their souls are lost forever without knowing the truly important things of life. :)

I think one thing that makes kids not want to tell their parents things, is if the parents have a tendency to freak out. Why would they want to tell something if they know they are going to get an intense emotional reaction?
I think all this intense worry may lead you to having this behavior and ending up with what you are most afraid of.
It's hard to stay calm, I know. No parent is perfect. Have you seen that movie "Parenthood", with Mary Steenbergen and Steve Martin? Parenting is messy, and we all make mistakes, but children are more forgiving than you think.
I think the best way to advise your kids is to be honest with them. Talk to them as you want them to talk to you---honestly and openly, right?
Don't ever lie to them. If you don't want to tell them something, tell them you are not comfortable talking about it with them-yet. That is what you would want them to say to you, right? Just leave that open, that they can ask you things or tell you things and if either of you is not ready to talk about it, they can say so, but there is hope that the conversation could still happen later on.

Sometimes we confuse worrying with caring. The more we worry shows how much we care. Life is going to happen all around them everyday and it is their response to life's circumstances that will shape their lives. I think the best thing you can do for your children is to simply love them. Model for them the values you want for them. In so doing you will help them build their self-esteem and worth and that will be more powerful than an exhaustive list of to-do's and don't do's in life. Model thoughtful decision making and good, open communication - which includes being a good listener. We can miss a lot about what's going on in their lives when we're doing all the talking. Let them talk and you'll gain their trust - and learn a lot as well. - And trust them. Trust that they will make mistakes and that they will learn from them as well. Be their biggest cheerleader. And for your sake and theirs, invest your time in something that will truly help them - something other than worry. That takes up a lot of time and energy!! Best to you!

I didn't worry about stuff like this. I had talks with my kids about one subject or another. They understood. That doesn't mean they acted accordingly. We as parents can only do our best, according to what we believe and know and have experienced. Same with our parents. They did their best but it doesn't always work ideally. Because sometimes we the dumb kids just have to learn things the hard way. Or maybe we just have to learn other things than what our folks believed the be all and end all of important.

Your kids are young. You get to know them and their behavior patterns, their emotional patterns, their strengths and weaknesses. You teach them that people are different, that it's okay to cry and grieve when they're hurt, you tell them that honesty is the best policy and at the same time remember that you as a kid their age weren't always honest and remember what you would go to in order to avoid trouble or being grounded.

You can only do your best. Don't worry about things now unless there are early indications it could go in a bad direction. Take measures to strengthen that. For instance, if you belong to a church, show strength in faith, show you support the church by involvement, build alliances that will be a support system. In other words, set good examples as best you can. It isn't a guarantee, but at least you'll have laid the groundwork. Keep the lines of communication open. Communication, not necessarily conversation. Observation. Again, if you know your kids' habits and patterns, you've got an edge to work with later. Make sure they know that "being too embarassed or proud to admit something" is silly, because it closes the door on support and help.