Won't Listen to Dad

I went through this with my daughter, around the same age. I, too, believe it is a phase that will be outgrown... However, it may also be a control issue (it was with my daughter). She was controlling the situation by dictating who would do what for her in the household. What helped with us was my absense. I would simply leave, so I was not available to do certain things (i.e., brush teeth or put her to bed). When my husband was the only one there to do it, she would be more readily compliant and then grew accustomed to someone other than Mommy doing it for her.

I hope this is helpful. I truly understand what you're going through!

First, this is a normal phase...if he were a girl he'd want Daddy and not you. Second, if his father is yelling at him he won't want to be around him. His father needs to be patient with the child and try little things. You leave the house for a while so they can be together. I had to physically leave...my son needed to know that I'd be back and he'd be ok while I was gone. It took time, but it worked.

I hate to say it but ..
Your going to have to enforce this issue with your son and insist that he do what his dad told him and not enable him. It looks like your going to have to have tuff love. "If mommy doesnt make me ..then why should I "

Oh and by the way..they do out grow this..but for now he is testing his ability to control you and it will be up to you weather or not he wins this contest.

He will play you two against each other especially if he sees you argue about it. He will know his little plan is working ..YES even at the ripe old age of 1-4 they know the game and they play it well.

Been there done this. You have to be tuff with him and follow through with every thing you say your going to do and not give in or your asking for trouble. If you do after a while he will see that your not going to tolerate his behavior.

GOOD LUCK...
It's a tuff task..but as a parent you can and need to win this one. Im pushing for ya...hahah

hi there
As a mom to three young mama's boys, this has happened with all of them. Its normal and nothing to get upset about as it passes and soon enough you'll be wishing they would come back to you as now mine all want my husband all the time. With the first one my husband found it very difficult, but just give it time- he learned that they all go through it and they'll get over it. The suggestions to have them do a special ritual is a good one- my husband got a bike with a seat on the back and their special thing (my first son) was to go on a bike ride every day. With the second, he would take him out to get a haircut and lunch by himself or with his brother, and he hasn't done anything yet with the third but when the baby gets older he will. Yelling and getting frustrated dont really get you anywhere as your son is still such a baby (2 year old is a baby) plus 2 year olds love that reaction- keeps them going or something. If your husband gives him space and stays with him but doesn't threaten his time with you, your son will relax too. Family time, then dad time alone will really help. Darn two year olds.
Good luck
E.

You need to leave them alone more often. Your son is probably doing this to get to you and it has nothing to do with your husband! As soon as you are out of sight- he should relax and let dad do it.
When dad is around- just disappear! Don't tell him you are leaving the room- just ease out when he's not looking and make sure your husband distracts him with something fun. When your son needs something he may look around for you but make sure your husband knows to just dismiss his requests for you very simply and quickly and take care of it himself. Just a quick- "Mommy is not here now- but I can do it! Here, let me show you the special way Daddy does sunscreen! It's like magic!" Something like this should do the trick- but you need to be inaccessible to your son so he must work with your husband.
Just remember that this is totally normal! Boys always want mommy and girls always want daddy! I always laugh when men say they want a son! A little boy will always prefer his mommy. My daughters will take daddy over me any day!
Good luck,
S.

If you can support your husband and his efforts to parent it will go a long way. Back him up and demonstrate a unified front, "Daddy is putting on your sunscreen so we can go to the pool, as soon as you put it on we can go" and then don't leave until the task is completed by Dad. You also might try to leave the room/house more often so Dad can have more of an opportunity to take charge. Sometimes it's easy to take over when they struggle, I find myself doing it and it really upsets my husband. Here's one book that can help your husband, I also recommend Mercer Meyer's "Just me and my dad" book for your son. Good luck!

Father Your Son
Author: Stephan Poulter

Book Description

In FATHER YOUR SON, clinical psychologist Stephan B. Poulter draws from more than 20 years specializing in father-son relationship counseling to offer a program that helps fathers confront – and conquer – their fears of repeating the past. FATHER YOUR SON is written directly to fathers, and enhanced with real-life case studies, and more to give today’s father’s the confidence they need to be the loving fathers they want to be.

Dear A.,

That has got to be tough on both of you. My first thought is that you need to help your son enjoy your husband. If he is a Mama's boy (which there is nothing wrong with that), you have all the more power and control in this. Your son obviously looks to you for guidance and so I would suggest you encourage your son to play with you and your husband at the same time and have some quality talks with your son about your husband. Then encourage your son to play with your husband and when he comes to you for something that your husband can obviously participate in or help with, direct your son to him. You will have to let go of some of the control you have with your son and relinquish it to your husband for this to work. If you leave this to just them alone, given how you've outlined the problem, I'm afraid the frustration with reign. I think you are a key player in this.

Good luck!!!
~Liza
30yo full-time working mom to 4.5 year old girl.

I hate when people say oh he's a mama's boy! I am a stay at home mom of an 18 month old & so of course he is closer to me. He always wants mama over anyone else, if it is not me then he wants dada. It is just because you are with him more than your husband is. Both of you need to try not to take it so personal!
Your son will out grow it sooner than later and then he will want dada all the time over mama. So don't worry!
One thing I do is go out for a little while alone and leave my son with his dad. Yes he gets upset for a minute as I leave but is over it in a few minutes and ends up having a blast with his dad & is so happy to see me when I walk through the door. This to shall pass!

Hi A., This happens all the time with our family as well. I stay at home with the kiddos and so my son comes to me for evertything. The other day I was feeding our babies and my son asked me for a drink, I suggested to him to ask daddy so that I could finish feeding the babies and he said to me, "Daddy knows how to do a drink?" Make sure when daddy is around your child is being encouraged to work with daddy and vice versa.

It has also helped to send daddy & son out on little errands together, there is a lot of resistance before they leave, but when they are out, they always have so much fun!

Good Luck! M.

When my daughter was about 2.5, she did this, only with dad as the desired parent and me being pushed away. Given that I was pregnant with my second, and trying to take care of her while also working, you can imagine that her yelling "NO! I want DADDY!" would make me a little emotional. First of all, she did outgrow it, thank heavens (it actually got better as soon as the baby was born, which I didn't think would happen). A couple of things worked for us. First and formost, I didn't push it. If she wanted daddy to read her stories, it was just so much better if I let him. Both of us pleading with her a) made her dig in her little heels and b) gave her way too much power over the situation. She knew she could get a rise out of both of us by being insistent, but if my husband just did what she wanted instead of me, then there was no power struggle. She also did fine with me if he wasn't around; what choice did she have? So my advice to you is to be supportive of your husband's emotional response to the situation (it's not logical to feel that hurt by a young child, but it is hurtful) but not to acknowledge to your son that he's hurting your husband's feelings. The "guilt trip" hasn't seemed to work so far. Also, plan out with your husband some fun things (or mundane things, like dinner) that he can do while you go out and do some errands (or something fun) and then just leave them alone together. After a few times, I bet this dies down.

Oh good Lord, who is the baby here? Right now your son feels more secure with you, which is perfectly normal. And your friends are right, at some point, he will turn to his dad and may reject you. Your husband needs to grow up and stop reacting like a baby himself. He has to be patient and wait until this passes.

Hang in there A., I know what it's like to have a baby for a husband too, lol.

From what it sounds like to me, your husband yells at your son a lot. Try telling him not to and remind him not to take the 'no daddy' too personally. Also, have hubby take son someplace really cool, like a walk in the woods, the playground, out for icecream, etc. My husband does this with my son and they bond while they're out. The going for walks in the woods really helped that, they pick up sticks, look at things, inspect them. Daddy has to be patient and let the little one explore, but there's potential for serious bonding there. Hope all goes well.

A.,

My husband has an absolutely amazing relationship with all three of our boys. I think the key is to send them off on their own little adventures without you around. They will figure things out and he won't have you to turn to. Try something simple first...walks in the neighborhood, bike rides, then work up to day trips to the zoo, museums, etc. I promise they will figure things out and your son will see his dad as seperate from you and will start to listen to and respect him...plus it will give you some time "off".

Good luck!!

H. (SAHM to three boys 4 1/2, 3 1/2 and 12 months old)

Not listening to a parent can be seen as disrespectful. Would you tolerate your son being disrespectful to another adult? There should be a consequence for this behavior and it should be enforced by BOTH parents. You and your husband should decide on a specific and immediate consequence for your child's choices - like a time out for a specified time. If he goes to you after saying "no" to daddy, you need to support your husband and let your son know that neither of you will tolerate him being disrespectful to any adult.

Have you tried saying no to your son. Like if your husband wants to put on the sunscreen and he says no to your husband and comes to you, have you told him inn a nice way, "no, daddy will put it on for you." He may get mad and say no I want you to do it, but you need to stand your ground. He is 3 now, not a baby, he understands how to get what he wants. My daughter for a long time would always come to me for things, like I am the only person in the house....I started telling her to ask daddy, because I don't want tobe the only caretaker. You may enjoy doing things for your son, but he is your husband's son too. It may seem a bit harsh at first, but it will help if your son knows that you can't always do everything for him and that daddy is there too.

Take a breath and tell dad that first, his yelling needs to stop. I understand frustration and that he is a good father, but he needs a different approach. I am an early childhood educator and we are firm with the children, but yelling is never necessary. Ask Dad to try re-directing your son's attention. For example, change the subject with him and introduce something of interest to him. Second, you need to continue to encourage your son's time with his father. It might mean giving up something you really like doing together with him, but until Dad finds his own special activities (something you've had more time to do), it is important that you share the special times. Keep encouraging Dad to speak calmly to your son. It is often challenging, but as the parent, we must command patience from within ourselves in order to exhaust the child's inappropriate wishes/demands.

I suggest having your husband spend time w/your son... time being on the floor - at your son's level doing something your son wants to do. My ex was always standing over my kids - and yelling. The therapist suggested getting down on the floor - play w/blocks, legos, a puzzle. Make sure you are there with them the first few times - just don't interact (read a magazine or a book!). After a few play sessions - with just play on his level w/no yelling - I am sure your son will enjoy time w/his dad. To force him doesn't work. And children are smart - they sense things - so I am sure your son isn't getting great vibes from your husband. Try and set a regular schedule of floor playing time with dad! I hope this helps!

I took a child development class in college and this sounds like the Oedipus complex to me--totally normal. Not the best website, but...
http://www.a2zpsychology.com/psychology_guide/oedipus_com...
Your husband needs to stop treating your son like he's a short but rational adult--he's not there yet developmentally (your son, I mean)!

Hello there. Ideas: 1. Next time sunscreen has to be put onto your son, say to him, "Daddy is going to put the sunscreen on for us!" and give a big smile and proceed to have your husband put sunscreen on YOU, then on your son. If your son balks, say with a smile, "This is Daddy's job today! Thank you, Daddy!" 2. When your son asks for a drink, say to him, "I'm thirsty too!" Then yell, "Daddy, can you get both of us something to drink? Thank you, we love you Daddy!" And you can giggle and say to your son, "Oooh, let's see what Daddy brings us!!" Then your son will see that you enjoy asking and receiving help from Daddy too. Make a big deal when your husband does anything for you and your son and say, "Daddy, you are great!" and your son, I am sure, will soon follow suit. Good luck!

My older son went through the same thing - he now equally loves his dad as much as me. Sometimes he prefers me, and sometimes he prefers dad - depends on his mood.

My little one - who is almost 3, still wants his mommy for everything! In order to encourage daddy time, I leave! I go to the grocery store by myself, etc., and force them to spend time together.

I think eventually things will even out and you may find that he wants your husband instead of you.

Best wishes!
C.

I agree with the other posts about sending the 'boys' off on little adventures and about this being a normal phase. I would back off on the "Dad gets hurt feelings" thing - kids this age really can't empathize with another's feelings. In fact, there are problems with forcing kids to say "I'm sorry" at this age because, frankly, they aren't sorry! Not that they shouldn't learn good manners, but you can't force the feeling that just isn't there yet developmentally. My son enjoyed the "Me and My Dad" book and I've always said things like, "You know who's really good at this? Dad!" They are extremely close. Believe me, there will come a time when your son rejects you and chooses your husband, regardless of what you do or don't do now. It's very important, for your own sanity and your child's sense of security, for you to make it clear that most things can be done equally well by Mom and Dad. My son knows well that we both cook, clean, do dishes, drive, grocery shop, pack for trips, do home maintenance, etc. If one isn't around, the other is available and competent. Sure, there are some things that one of us is better at, and that's fine. But we're both good at sunscreen, packing lunches, getting drinks, giving baths, and so on. It's okay to gently let your child know that he can, and needs to, depend on both parents for most jobs.

I thnk they need a little Fun Time with Daddy days..like going out to breakfast ALONE on Saturdays or a special dinner night. He needs to know Daddy can take car eof him and Daddy needs some fun time with his son.

Daddy should not only be the one seen as the bad guy, and they may need just some time to learn how to play together..let him know that their time should be more lighthearted and he shoudl be lighthearted with him then..do not always look to be correcting and 'teaching' sometimes you just need to play and Listen.

Hi. My son was the same for a while but it helped when they spent more time together alone.My husband worked for a year on 2nd shift and that helped alot. Maybe your husband can once a week do something with him just the two of them.It will change when he gets a little older.My husband also started tucking him in at night which kind of bummed me out but now that's what he wants and he and I have our own special things.Hope this helps.T.

My son is the same age and does the same thing and I understand you wanting to be there I feel the same way. Just make sure you back up your husbands requests to your son so he realizes he needs to listen to his farther and your not underminding your husbands authority or you will have big problems. Tell your husband not to take it personally and be consistent in his attention and love your son will eventually come around. Try a farther son day every week for a few hours have your husband take your son some where fun and mom take some personal alone time. It is a win win situation! Good luck and remember be consistent. It will get better. Jen

a lot of kids aren't into their fathers until about age seven. it has nothing to do with who you are as individuals or who spends more time with him or anything. A three year old is still in a phase where they need a lot of nurturing and it's instinctual for him to seek his mother. It's a very modern concept that men should attend to their children at all. A couple decades of gender equality doesnt change human wiring. Don't let your husband be offended. It's great he wants to be with him and help out. even in the year 2008 there are still many cultures where the men aren't interested, even when there isnt much hunting to do :) Tell him he's helping evolution. At this age no matter how much the father does the child still seeks the mother usually. This is even true in working mother/stay at hom dad situations! Maybe your son and his father should have an afternoon or even a full day where you arent around and your son will just have to deal with his father. You could also try making one thing only "dad's job" (like a bath or sunblock at the beach) But you can't force your son to accept help from your husband because at his age he probably doesnt even know why he's acting like this either. Let him grow out of it. THIS IS VERY NORMAL. Let him be his age and let yourself enjoy it a bit. Very, very soon the only thing he'll be interested in is his father and that admiration usually lasts a lifetime.

You are reinforcing the behavior when you are "there for him" when your son turns from his dad and runs to you.

You need to remove yourself, in other words, you are no longer an alternative.

"I'm busy right now, Daddy can help you."

"I think Daddy can do just fine with that."

and so on. He may rebel, but sooner or later he'll come around. Even better, leave the area, be completely unavailable at first so that he has no alternative but to have time with Dad.

By the same token, I think your husband needs to relax and not take the shunning so personal and give his son time to ease into a trusting relationship with him.

Dad needs to simply let son know he's available. If son has a temper tantrum or whatever he does to get mom to jump into savior mode. Dad can patiently remind or attempt to distract.

If you are having a hard time resisting his pleas for your assistance/attention, then I'd definitely recommend removing yourself from the house to allow son to acclimate with Dad without the possibility that you may give in and intervene.

This will take a few times, but after awhile son will get begin to see that there is someone else out there to care for him besides mom.

Come on A., you know a little part of you enjoys this! We all want to be the favorite aunt or Uncle, Parent whatever. It probably hurts your husband inside if you think about his feelings. Of course the macho man won't admit this either. You need to get yourself out of the way, so they can learn to have a relationship. They need to spend 'Some Guy Time' Maybe at 1st you could take a bath or a walk, hit the gym next. Make it a regular habit because they need this. So don't you! Some time to yourself to talk to other adults for a change. Otherwise you are re-enforcing what your child wil ldo in the future. More manipulation to be with the one he gets away with the most!

My son was difficult early on too but my husband would take him and do 'boy' stuff when I had to work. It was just the 2 of them, and he had no choice who he was with, it was dad's day. Sure he would carry on for a few minutes when he left if I was home but that ended fast. Sounds like your guys just need a little one on one without you, even if it's to the playground or kids museum, zoo or whatever. When your son sees how 'cool' daddy is he will come around and look forward to his time with daddy. Good luck. Your husband will enjoy it too!