Answering That One Question Any Hates to Be Asked...

I totaaly understand what you are going through with this question. My son is now 6 but he has been asking questions about his father since he was about the same age. All I ever told him was that his mommy and daddy didn't love each other anymore so we didn't stay together. I just kept re-enforcing that mommy loved him and would always be there for him. I did try to contact his father just for my son's sake but it didn't work out. Then I just told him the truth that his daddy couldn't see him right now. It has gotten easier over the years but it is still hard. If you ever want to talk more about it just let me know. my email is ____@____.com
Best of luck in answering this tough question.
S.

It must be hard, but I have to tell you. My oldest daughter has a father that has almost nothing to do with her and hardly ever did--even though we were married for almost 12 years. It's hard, but I never put him down to her and I let her come to her own conclusions.

If it were me, I would tell him that he has a very nice daddy (never put the other parent down to the child as it only hurts the child). I would explain that some mommies and daddies live together and some do not. Just reassure him he's loved by both. I would then just tell him that Daddy doesn't live closeby, but that Mommy will always be with you and take care of you. Is there any way that his Daddy can be contacted or does daddy just not want to be in the picture at all?

I think the best thing you can do is be as honest with him as possible without being hurtful. Explain to him that you and his Daddy are not together anymore and that it is hard for his Dad to come and see him due to work or personal issues. Also, be sure to let him know that this doen't mean that his Dad doesn't love him and that you love him more than anything. Toddlers really just need reassurance. So offer him an explanation that is not too far from the truth that way you don't have to pay for lying later. Good Luck!!!

I know it's difficult, but I also am a single mom of a wonderful almost 13 year old son. I can't remember if he started questioning where his father was at 3, but by 4 or so he did, so, I just told him about his father and that he's a cop and where he lives. I've always been very honest with him about our situation and that just because he doesn't have a mother and father living in his house, doesn't mean that he and I are not a 'family'. Although we are not a traditional family, we are a family nonetheless! Just let him know that you love him very much and that the love of one parent can be just as much, if not more, than the love of two parents! My son's father has been in and out of my son's life(over the past almost 13 years)...more out than in and although I feel bad for him not having his father around on a daily basis, I know that I can't make his father be a part of his life. You just have to realize that if his father never decides to be a part of your son's life, it's his loss, not your son's. Your son has you that loves him and cares for him and that's the important thing!

Also, be sure not to bad mouth his father in front of him...that's very important! I've been very careful not to do that and now that my son is older, he's figuring him out all on his own. He doesn't need me to tell him what his father is like...he's smart enough to figure it out on his own! I think his feelings are hurt because his father is living with his girlfriend and her THREE kids from a previous relationship/marriage(?)...not quite sure exactly what her deal is, but they've been together for awhile now and are not married or engaged to my knowledge. It's quite obvious that his father has commitment issues...so, I'm not too worried about it. If and when he dumps this chick, he'll have no relationship with her kids afterwards, I'm sure! My son has my Dad, brother and brother-in-law who are all excellent role models. I also try to do things with him like take him to football games, basketball games, etc. He seems to be turning out pretty well...all things considered. I know that living in a house with a Mom and Dad is supposedly the ideal situation, but we're making the best of our situation and we both love each other very much! Hang in there...you'll be fine!

While I am not receiving that question I feel your pain. My son's father still hates me for even daring to go against his demands and having my son. We have not seen him in well over a year and he never calls to ask about my son.

My son is 4 now and last summer he actually found someone to name daddy. I never really paid much attention to the daddy thing, Alex never seemed to really care. His first social contact was with kids on an university campus and most of the kids there just had mommies picking them up. Daddies never really crossed his mind. When we moved home and he started daycare at a new facility it was a whole new world. Most of the kids at this place are picked up by their dad's. I've even heard kids in his class talk about things their daddy did with them last night or over the weekend.

After a couple months of this my son simply named someone his daddy. I had only been with my boyfriend for a little over a year (he's one of those best friends of many many years turned boyfriends) but Alex flew out of the house one day right to him yelling "Daddy!" He figured out on his own what kind of a person makes a daddy. He simply looked at the situation and thought, "what makes someone a daddy, what do they do, what do they say, how do they take care of me?"

For us a daddy isn't biological. It's the male companion of mommy who loves him and helps take care of him and who will play ball in the house with him. As far as I'm concerned, anyone can be a father, but it takes more to be a Daddy.

When the time comes I will simply say that yes, this guy (a**hole) is your father but he doesn't love you in the same way your daddy does because daddies are the people mommies are with who help you and mommy out, love you and take care of you. Fathers only help create you. Anyone can be "father" but only someone special is "Daddy".

Brittany,
you sound like a wonderful mom. you can tell that you really care about your son. I don't know where his dad is at or if he ever sees him, but i will guess that he does not?
I would just tell your sone that he is the most important person in the whole world to you and that his dad love's him in the only way he knows how. tell him that his dad loved him so much to give him life and that in his heart he will always love him. tell him that although he doesn't see him dad very much/ever, that doesn't mean that he doesn't care about him. Instill in him God's love and make sure that he has self worth via you. Make sure he knows that there are TONS of kids that don't ever see their dad, and that he is not different.
Good luck,
Meredytn
singele mother of 2

Hello, as a single mom of a 5 year old I can fully understand where it is that you are coming from within this type of situation. I am only 23 and have seen my son go through many stages of wondering about his father. We have no connection with him at all anymore and in fact we now live in a different state, but it didn't matter either way because he was never interested in being a father even when we lived 15 mins away, your situation may be different. However, I've found, from learning from my friends mistakes as well, that the safest and most non-harmful approach to answering this question without completely hurting my son is to let him know that his daddy has made a choice, he has made a choice to not be where the two of you are and that although his daddy loves him in his own way, its not that same type of love that him and I share and his daddy just has made the choice to be away at the current time for whatever reason. I also reassure him that if he has any questions he can always ask and that if one day his daddy wants to see him that I will let him make that choice. Your son may only be 3 but he will probably understand better than you think and keeping the repetitive, non-abrasive answer will not only keep his thoughts at bay until he is older and can fully understand but it will also give him an answer to tell his peers without question, because you've been honest. I've never been one to badmouth my son's father to him, Lord knows that I could, but I want him to have his own opinion and this has helped me thus far, since the 'daddy questions' have started. Hope this helps.. feel free to ask questions if you need too!

I have been in this situation only from your son's perspective. My father left us when I was around 2 1/2. My mother was always honest with us about him even at that age. I did have a step father, who I condisidered my Dad, though I knew biologically he wasn't. I always throughout my childhood wondered why I wasn't good enough for him to be around or care to see, but when I got older I understood more about life in general and got over it. My sister on the other hand is very bitter about him. It also doesn't help that he was a war hero and his portait hangs in our local courthouse...lol But I guess my advice to you would be to be honest, but merciful. Tell him what happened and who was to blame but don't be brutal on his father. No one wants to hear what an SOB their own father is. You are young and I'm assuming the father is too. Things may change as he matures and you don't want your son to feel bitter towards him if he does eventually want to become a part of your son's life. Good luck and take care.

Brittany, I'm the mother of a 19 year old son who has never seen his father. He's never met him, and says he doesn't want to. In my case, my son's father is not a nice person, and I didn't want my son to meet him. I just wanted to say that I think it's important to be honest with your child without hurting his feelings. What I told my son was that his father and I didn't really get along so we don't see each other. I then told him that his father didn't know what a cool kid he was, and how much fun we had together. That's why he doesn't come see us. He then asked if we could go see him, and I said that his father had a new life now, and I didn't know where he lived. I also said that even if I did know, that we would not go there because his father had other people who lived with him and they would not understand why we came there.(He had gotten married to a woman who had other children and their baby on the way). I think honesty in always the best policy, you just have to take a few moments to make sure you word everything in the kindest manner possible.I hope your son takes your explanation, whatever it is, as well as mine did. T.

I think I would contact his father and tell him that his son even at 3 years old wants to see him. Tell his Dad about how your son was asking if his Dad works a lot and let him know how important having both parents in his life is.

The fact that your son is asking for his Dad may open up a door for your son's Father's heart to be open and willing to initiate and maintain a relationship with him.

first of all, great job being a single mom! it is not an easy road, but very rewarding...you should be proud of yourself!
often at that young age, kids don't need a whole lot of information to satisfy their curiosity...just give him the least amount of info that he needs. and be prepared...his questions will get more specific in years to come.
good luck!
M.

Aww that sucks doesn't it. My son asks me those things sometimes. Sometimes I am able to distract him sometimes. I have told him before that his dad was not ready to be a dad and I just remind him of all the people he has in his life that love him. And I tell him that he might get to see his dad sometime but I do not have his phone number. I never say anything bad about his dad in front of him-that is a big no-no. Other than that, I have no idea-if you figure it out, let me know!

As a mother of three daughters two to my first husband and a another daughter to my current husband. This has become an issue a few times and even comes up now after they know their father.
Just explain to him that for reasons out of your control "daddy" can't be or has chosen not to be in his life. Explain that when this happens it is not their fault or your fault. Make sure that you're giving hime extra attention to show him your love and support and do not get frustrated or upset, they sense that and will begin to blame themselves. After a while these questions do diminish as the child grows older and forms an opinion of the father on his own. Be honest with him and support his curiosity, he is a child and this is how they learn. Take care and give that little boy an extra hg and kiss today.

Much Luv,
Mindy

I was a single mom for many years, and this question does not get easier as the kids get older. I took most of the fall and said 'your father and I did not get along well and so we're not together. It is not your fault, it just did not work out' (though the truth was that he was a son-of-a %$@#*). You may encourage a relationship with another positive roll model such as grandfather or uncle. It is many years later and I'm married with two other children and my husband has adopted my daughter. Through everything, no matter how much of a jerk her dad was, I was careful not to say anything bad about him. Good luck!

Tell him positive things and say he just is here right now...and when he starts to ask more specific question be honest but age appropriate. and maybe find your son a male role model like a uncle or cousin or just a really good male friend so he can do dad things with him.

I have always been int he same boat. My daughter is 8 and it doesn't get easier. I just tell her it isn't easy to be a daddy and some people just aren;t good at it. I tell her that he loves her very much but he doesn't know how to show it. It is hard, but if you decide to help them get to know each other great, just be careful. When I did it didn't work out but thast doesn't mean yours won't. Good Luck!

Hi, My name is S., I am a 26yr old single mother. I must say that I know exactly what you are talking about. My son has had little contact with his father but has recently been very active in his pursuit knowledge on this subject. He is 5 years old and often questions why other children get picked up by their fathers and he doesn't get to see his. I just try to assure him above all that he is loved and he isn't missing out on anything. He has many people in his life that love him from Nanas and Papas to God Parents. He still misses his father but he understands that he is loved. I think that is the most important thing. It is hard seeing him like this though because I didn't meet my father until I was 21 years old. I more than see the pain in his eyes I feel it. In time it gets easier and it isn't that he feels like he isnt' loved but he sees having a mother and a father as "normal". This is a good time to teach that families are different and that is ok. Hopefully in time his father will come around and if not it is his loss for missing out on your son's life, milestones and even hugs and kisses every night. Good Luck Brittany!