Hey there, I may sound like a terrible person, but please don't judge me, I'm doing enough of it myself. We have 6 of our own kids, and recently we've taken in a 2 and 3 year old due to their mother not wanting to be a mom anymore...I didn't realize that was an option. I have 4 teenagers and now 4 kids 4 and under again. It was easier in the 90's when I was 26, now I'm 40; LOL.
My question is to anyone who has ever ended up with extra children, do you learn to love them as your own?? Forgive me for asking, but I had always wanted 4-6 kids; got them, tubes tied, done!! Or so I thought. I am not someone who always wanted to adopt or had to turn to adoption as my only option, my plate is full, overflowing at times with kids, but I saw a need, and knew that we could help. These poor kids come from a mother who has 4 kids from 3 different dads, none of whom are involved in their lives/or know they exist. Their mother is just 23 and making a lot of bad choices as to men, jobs, and drugs. The 2 girls have already been separated from their brothers and I didn't want to see them split from each other, so I was the only one willng to take them both in.
My problem is I already have a almost 2 year old who is my "baby" of the family and another that just turned 4. Fitting in this 2 and 3 year old works well with logistics, and clothing, but I don't "love" them as my own...does that come through time? Has anyone ever felt the guilt I feel. I care for them a great deal and do love them, but it isn't what I feel for my other kids, am I a terrible person for saying this out loud??? It's only been 4 months...any advice or anyone out there who has been through this?? I'm so filled with self guilt and loathing for not being able to do this.
Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated, S. B.
Cari said it all - just wanted to add how much respect and admiration I have for you!
Just don't forget to take care of YOU (although I don't know when and how you will!). If someone offers to take the kids for awhile or can help, accept it!
You are an inspiration!
Very Well said Cari! I couldn't add a thing!
I too am very proud of you S. and you are doing an amazing job!
Lori K
Stop beating yourself up! It is amazing that you would even think about taking in these two babies when you already have a house full. So many people would just feel bad but do nothing to help. You can not expect yourself to fall in love with them over night. Four months is not very long and it will take time for them to completely feel like they are a part of the family too. Probably not as long for them since they are so young but there will still be an adjustment time there. As they grow and you reach milestones with them, they will become more and more a part of your life and your family. You might not ever love them in the same way that you love your own but that doesn't mean that you can't and won't love them as much as you can. You are already giving them so much more then their own mother has or could and they will be grateful to you forever for that.
I think you sound like an amazing woman, mom and family all together. I haven't experienced anything like this, but I can tell you that from an outsider's perspective, I don't see how it would be possible to feel the same for your niece's children as you do your own. You're doing your best though and you are LOVING them which sounds like a whole lot more than what they were getting before with their "real" mother. It's a sad situation for them but you are a saint for taking them in and caring for them. I bet there are some books out there about adding to your family like this because you're not the first family member to take care of your irresponsible and troubled family member's kids. Definitely don't expect feelings to be the same, especially at first. They may grow to feel just like your kids in the future someday, but loving them as much as you can is all they can ever hope for.
Shiela,
I think your feelings are soooooo normal and natural and nothing to beat yourself up about. I also think that the love you feel for them will always be different than the love for your own kids. But becoming a steward in their lives and caring about their well being and future IS love, and it's not suppose to be the same feeling that you feel with your own kids. What's important, I think, is simply that you're trying to make a positive difference in the lives of kids caught in a crossfire.
That's all anyone in life wants--someone who actually cares about them. And I've seen some of your mamasource responses in the past--you seem to have good instinct and mama power.
May you be armed with strength and energy--that's the real thing that needs to come to you--you already have the love :)
Angie
As all the other women have said - you are AMAZING! God bless you for what you are doing. You are giving those kids a chance they wouldn't have had otherwise - a chance to grow up in a loving home and feel wanted and secure. Don't feel bad or beat yourself up. Goodness, I have my plate full with 4 kids of my own, and you have 6 plus 2 more now! Of course it's going to be crazy & hectic with that many people in one family. But think of how much love & joy that adds up to too! I think that as more time passes, it will happen that you love them more like your own. Hang in there. You are a special person!!
I can't imagine your situation but it seems like you have a big heart, and with such a big family of your own, it has just grown for each child you've added as you've gone along, right? I think the same will hold true for these two. It will probably take longer, but don't feel guilty about it at all. Thank you for giving them a home - there are lots of kids out there without that option.
Hi S.,
I think it depends, did you adopt the kids, or do you just have temporary custody, like a foster parent? I think if you actually adopted them, you will learn to love them and consider them a part of your family. That is what happened with my Uncle's Son. We didn't really accept him at first,not that we ever let him know, we acted like we accepted him all along. Then he was just my Uncle's Son, not "you know the one he adopted." I know that sounds horrible but he was 40 when he adopted and his only other child was 20 and in college. So it was a little hard for us to accept as a family, but we never told my Uncle or his son. I would say by year 2 we had totally accepted him, but we only saw him once a year around the holidays, so it might have happened faster had we seen him more. If you are fostering, it might just be a defense mechanism, so you don't get hurt when they go back to their mom. Hope this helps and good luck, try to at least treat them like your kids, even if you don't feel the bond yet. Good luck!
M.
First of all, do not feel guilty. You have taken alot on, on an already full plate. You have done more than many moms could/would!
I am not sure if you are on the KS or MO side of town -- If on the KS side, I would suggest contacting an organization like KVC. KS has privatized their foster care and it is run by KVC. You might be able to get a temporary foster license to care for the 2 girls if you would like to continue doing so. KVC could also assist in having the 2 girls placed in a home with the 2 boys in a family that is better prepared to take on extra children. My husband and I have worked with KVC and have seen that they counsel their foster and adoptive families well. Their families are not just in foster care for the money.
In addition, KVC's primary goal is to keep families together. They will try to help the children's mother get her life organized, through counseling, support groups and mentoring. If mom gets it together and wants the children back, KVC will help. If mom wants to sever her parental rights, KVC will still look for other family members that would like to be the children's 'forever family.' In addition, KVC tries to minimize the children's movement between families. They work closely with foster parents to know which want and can handle groups of children. The goal is to have the children in only one foster home before they are reunited with their family -- or if they are not to be reunited, to be in a foster home that would like to adopt them.
I hope this has helpd you some. Best of luck and God bless you!
Maybe you are just afraid to love them as your own because you worry that their mother is going to get them back? Teach the girls that you care about them and want what's best for them. Give them praise, hugs, kisses, etc. as you would ALL of the children. Give it time. Good luck and God Bless :)
S., The terrible person is the one that says "Oh, isn't that too bad" and does nothing to keep those kids together. You are a wonderful person to be doing what you are. You had your life in order and you are upseting the balance by taking on this burden, but you will find a new balance. I understand the feeling you are having of not loving the kids in the same way. They've grown to be a part of your family in a different way than your other children did, your love for them will grow differently also. Please try to stop the self-doubt and negative thoughts you are having about yourself. There are a lot of people that would have said "I wish I could, but I just can't help those kids"!
You are an inspiration!
Sincerely, M.
My husband and I are raising our 11-yr-old nephew and our 2-yr-old soon-to-be-adopted foster son, as well as my daughter who will turn 1 next month. There is no question that I have a different type of bond with my daughter than I do with the other two kids. However, our foster son came to us when he was only 8 months old, so we bonded with him within a matter of months. We have grown closer to our nephew, but I think his age has made that a slower, more difficult process. The other thing that has made this difficult in my opinion is our stress level. I have noticed that when we feel the most overwhelmed, those are the times when it is most difficult to feel love toward our nephew. I like the idea that one woman mentioned about spending time with just the children that aren't biologically yours. We also find it helpful to plan fun family activities, which is no easy task, but well worth the effort. I think what you are experiencing is normal and that it will get better. Thank you for providing a home for these children.
2 & 3 year old's have their own personalities and have already been influenced by what they have learned from the people they have been around. I'd say keep treating them like you do your own kids and eventually you will forget they aren't. Lots of hugs and kisses (they are so young), it will eventually come naturally. My family has so many blended people in it, you never forget, yet it's hard to remember when you see them. Don't feel guilty, just incorporate them and remember that it's not the kids fault that they don't have a mother that can keep them, they are not to blame for the situation, they are innocent angels who need you. So be there angel that will give them the unconditional love they need. Don't feel guilty, it won't come easily since you already have your plate full, get some of the older kids involved, they will become better people for it and will be excellent parents later.
i absolutely agree with the other posters. it all takes time. your intentions are in the right place, but you can't force emotions on yourself just because you feel you "should" feel them.
i do have a "super nanny"-esque idea though - have you tried spending time with only the adopted children? maybe a day out just the three of you (i can only imagine how hard that might be to schedule!) would help you get to know each other and trust each other a little better. the more time you spend with them, i'm sure, the closer you'll feel.
don't beat yourself up over this. i myself only have one child. but no one told me that carrying this child for nine months doesn't guarantee it's love at first sight - it took me several weeks to really feel that bond. that's the god's truth. i was a new mom, i was nervous and stressed out, then we had to take a trip halfway across the country right after he was born. there was NO magic moment for me! i always felt bad about that. but now i love him more than the world. besides, despite what everyone claims, i've had parents of multiples admit to me that they do have favorites. i think it's inevitable. just allow your heart to be open and let what happens happen. i'm sure the love will come and eventually you'll wonder how you ever got by without them!
Praise the Lord for your willingness to take in your 2 & 3 year old. First, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior? If so, I hope you read the Bible to give you help as you obey. Also, I hope your family is attending a Bible teaching church where you'd have people that would love you and help you. The guilt you have of not loving the children as your own - confess your inadequacy, He will cleanse and then ask the Lord for His help. As you rely on Him, and respond with faith that He will fill you with His Spirit to carry out your work. One day you'll notice the difference in your life. You'll stop condemning yourself (Romans 8:1), and praising Him that He is faithful to his Word, loving your children through you. May each of your children come to know Jesus as Savior and Lord. Thank you, J. Baurain
S.,
Bless your heart! I have a friend at church that was in a similar situation, she said one day as she was cleaning up this huge mess on her hands & knees, almost in tears thinking why am I doing this? She stopped & prayed for help. she said after she prayed she felt some relief for the moment. She knew that for "some" reason this is were God needed her to be at that moment. She has later been able to see God's work.
Don't be h*** o* yourself! Good grief do we really "LOVE" our own children at every moment? lol
You are doing a selfless act, give yourself a break. Are you involved in church? Our church "Central Church of the Nazarene" has a lot of programs for young families. Friday night babysitting etc.
Good luck & God Bless you!
T.
