Ok he works alot long hours and he is has been taking more classes online to make more money to make more money. I am home full time with 3 kids. Its a long day and I rarely get any positive feedback from him.
We are both stressed about my oldest sons constant homework and constant test. Now the big pile of homework is completed! Hooray! Now we just have to help him study for the 3 test.
He was in the kitchen eating something and I thought he looked cute. I was just trying to have a couple of seconds loving my husband. He just got annoyed with me. So I walked away. Then in a very curt voice he said WHERE ARE YOU GOING I THOUGHT YOU WERE WATCHING ALEX AND HIS FRIEND. My little one just finished a shower and was checking on her to see if she needed help getting dressed. I was planning to come right back down but I didnt answer him. He never had any problem showing love towards our kids even if he is frustrated with them..but me I don't seem to deserve some basic kindness from him. Please send me a hug. I make my share of mistakes. I am not a mean person. He holds grudges with me..I let it go. I don't always forget but I refuse to stay mad.There is no point in staying mad. He makes mistakes but I rarely say anything to him because it turns into a she said/he said converation. When he brings up something I messed up i try to correct it and apolize if it think I was wrong..I have no problem being wrong.
My only advice is to read the books by John Grey explaining the differences between men and women and how we communicate - it really improved communication between my husband and I. If he is loving with the kids there is hope. Counseling is great too! will he go to counseling ? approach it carefully - the two of you need help not that HE needs help. You deserve love and appreciation and SAHM dont get the positive feedback they deserve.
Believe it or not C., that is your problem...you appear to be too passive, and if he is the opposite of you, not being able to get a good "grrr" in is making him "sick". He is looking for his peer and someone to have a good conversation with him, and my guess your always being so "peaceful" is annoying. Now don't get me wrong, there is trying to make peace, and there is trying to avoid arguments. They are different. Not only that, you stay at home being the good "wife". From my guess, he spends all this time being "stressed" and you come along making it look like life is so wonderful and great. I am sure you have hard days too, but like you said you "let it go", probably always "sweep it under the carpet" and make it look sort of "lala land". Now, you cannot change who you are and you should not have to, because contrary, he does need your peace and sweet spirit when the days get rough, but try not to flaunt it in that manner. The best way to go about that is to IDENTIFY and ADMIT that you too have your stress, let him see that you handle it differently and that life is NOT a bed of roses for you either. Then maybe he will be able to relate to you and give you the hug you deserve. I can speak from experience because I battle some of what you experience with your husband with a family member of mine who is somewhat like you.
Perhaps a good fight would clear the air. It sounds like you're too nice. You both need a real person to relate with. When he's out of line, comment back; not in anger but to reaffirm the reality of the situation. Stand up for yourself in a positive way. Stop letting him push you around.
I doubt that he knows this is going on. And I may be way off. Your post sounds like you're both being a bit passive aggressive. Start by talking with your husband about how you're feeling. Tell him what you want. Ask him how he's feeling and what he wants in this relationship.
Communication is the basis of a good relationship. I suggest you look at the web site for Non-violent Communication for ways to talk with each other so that the other can hear what is being said.
It really has taken me a long time (and two marriages) to figure out that the way a person is raised is usually the way that they are going to treat their spouse. Neither of my husbands were raised in a loving family and neither treated their mothers very well. Neither family was very loving and as a result I was never treated with respect or complimented. My first husband had no problem using the "F" word on his mother and didn't see why I would get upset. My second husband would not hesitate to make his mother cry and she did the same to him when he was younger. I am not saying this is the issue your husband is dealing with but I am saying that it taking a very strong person to rise above a situation and not repeat the mistakes of the past. Not many people are able to look at a problem head on and deal with it. It is just easier to follow suit and not rock the boat. As adults we should be able to say "This is not working for me so I am going to change it" but it very seldom happens. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and I can remember (when I was only 6) asking my friends if they could think of any reason why my mom didn't like me. As I grew older I was able to look at my situation and decide that I did not want to raise my kids that way. My sister is a mirror image of my mother. I am very loving and passionate and I love people because I never had that at home and wanted better for my family. There is nothing we can do about the past except learn from it and improve our future and the future of the ones we love. I try to ingrain that concept in my children. Rise above a situation and break the chain.
I don't know the whole situation so I don't want to make a judgment call. Just sit and think about the things that have gone on in both of your lives and see what kind of ways you two can improve on them. If you can see that he has a difficult family just love him in a way to try to encourage change. I know this concept does not always work because the way we are raised is often what we learn. I feel your pain!
From what you have written it sounds to me like this is newer behavior on his part. It doesn't sound like he has always been this way because this new behavior sounds foreign to you and you're not sure what to do. Hope I'm on the right track.
No matter whether it is stress or something else, it sounds like something HE needs to work on. Taking it out on you is not fair and you deserve and should demand more respect from him. In another post I believe someone said that you are too passive. I might have to agree there.
Would he be open to counseling? Not necessarily couples counseling because it sounds like HE has issues he needs to work through. Although I think it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to seek individual counseling yourself so that you can find a way to communicate to him your needs so that he will listen.
It sounds like an all around bad situation and I don't get an impression that it has always been this way. If it is stress than maybe therapy to work on stress management techniques would give him better coping skills so that he doesn't lash out at you. He needs to treat you as an equal partner and be a team player himself. I am sure it causes your children stress when you are not a unified front.
I hope this helps and that you can convince him to seek help. I am not so sure I could put up with those circumstances very long and you definitely deserve better than that.
I wish you all the best.
Hi, C.:
The problem is stress, not the people.
Find a narrative therapist in your local area and
resolve the problem of stress in your life.
Good luck.
D.
You may want to get the book 'Why men love bitches' or 'why men marry bitches.' You are being taken for granted, and this book will give you some tips on how to get his behavior to change. (nagging or expressing your feelings to him won't help.... but the tips in the book will)
Good luck! I recently got the book and have noticed a difference... but I had to change a few things that I do or say.
