This is essentially a two part question. Overall, I have a very difficult time asking for help. I always feel like I am putting others out and that they have better things to do. Yet I am one of the first offering my services. I have a few wonderful friends who will return the favor without me even asking. Do any of you have a really hard time asking for help? I mean help with anything....help with a new baby upon returning home, help if I am sick and really do need the assistance. The list goes on... I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I was never raised with anyone helping me and was forced to be the adult in my household with my mother. Thoughts?
Second - we have a dinner for my very best friend coming up this weekend. Last weekend, my MIL babysat for the very first time for our little guy, 10 months old. She never offers to help us in that way, so we broke down and asked because there was a function we really needed to go to. She seemed happy to oblige. She is in her early 50's, doesn't work and lives 25 minutes away.
Now, we need a sitter again this weekend. Keep in mind my husband and I never go anywhere! This past weekend was literally the first time we had been out without the baby sine he was born 10 months ago. But I feel SO bad asking my MIL to sit again. Should I? Is it too much to ask someone twice in two weeks, even though she has never sat before? We don't have any other option if she doesn't sit we just miss the dinner - no big deal, but darn it we want to go....I guess the question is am I asking too much by asking her to sit again, or am I thinking too much into it because I have such an issue with asking for help?
ETA: I just really don't want her to think we are going to start doing this every weekend, and she isn't exactly the "hands on" type. She is not goo-goo over the grand kids, and she could easily go months without seeing them and it wouldn't bother her. So, I feel like I am putting her out to ask, instead of seeing it as her spending time with the baby, because I will always wonder if she sees it that way too.
ETA again: Wow! Love these responses and ideas. Mommy of 2 - your sex post made me laugh out loud. Lol!
And to answer a few questions: No, she has never offered before, and doesn't seem interested. We would have gladly accepted if she had! About once per month hubby or I will call her and see if she and Grandpa want to visit, either there or at our home. Sometimes they will call us as well. She likes to do her own thing, which I think is part of the reason I feel like I would be putting her out.
Thanks everyone - such good ideas.
Yep, you're thinking too much into it. If you don't ask her to babysit, she can't say YES. You're giving her an opportunity to build a relationship with her grandbaby separate from group family events. If she can't do it, she'll say no. Keep practicing asking for help. I think most people are uncomfortable, but you'll never get comfortable if you don't ask. :)
Ask her. Think of it not as ou taking advantage of her watching him, but giving her the opportunity to have an evening with him. I she is anything like my mom or mil, she would love it.
You can't ask for help because you don't think you are worthy or deserving of it. You were burdened with responsibility as a child/teen and so you see "helping" as a burden for others and a "responsibility" for you. So you offer your services because you know others may not, and it's how you validate yourself. But because no one helped you (including your mother), you think you aren't entitled to friendship.
So - WHY didn't you MIL babysit for 10 months? Because you were afraid to ask, or because she showed no interest? Did she volunteer but you never believed she meant it, or wouldn't trust her with the baby? Is she the sort who waits to be asked because she doesn't want to be a meddling MIL? What does your husband think? Why doesn't HE ask his mother if it's hard for you? If you tell her how much fun your child had and how happy you are that they can form a bond together, and if you feel that she's a mother who LIKES to be involved with children, you can use this as a real positive! You also need to find a team of other babysitters - children benefit from knowing others care about them, and parents benefit from being able to get out and be a couple again!
If it's going to be a long drive home for her, can she stay overnight with you? Can you give her a nice photo of the baby? Or write a thank you note "from" the baby? "Dear Granny, thank you so much for babysitting me. I love it when you come over! Love, Joey" - I bet she would love it. He is lucky to have a grandma in his life - make it a bonding experience and not a job for her! If you didn't have a grandma in your life, tell her how important it is for you that your son has her!
I would ask her, if not just for the art of practicing asking for help. I am exactly the same way and then wait until the last minute when it's too late. In the future, you might want to nose around to find other sitters as well.
I say just tell her what you told us. explain you arent going to make this a regular thing, that you would just really like to be able to go to this dinner but no hard feelings if she isnt able to watch your son.
Explain it to her just like you explained it to us if you fear she will think it's going to become habit forming. If she says no, dont be hurt or upset (grandma might have a life that is not conducive to babysitting), if she says yes, youre good to go. If she says yes, it will be building a better dynamic relationship with your child and his grandma.... and ultimately you will get to know your MIL a bit better in the process.
she's an adult, she can say "no"!
But, honestly, I would find a good backup babysitter & allow your MIL to be the person she seems to choose to be.
Not a cop-out....simply much easier on all involved.
Call your MIL and mention to her that you have a function on Saturday night and BEFORE you call a baby sitter, you wanted to see if she would like to come over and watch the baby for you. Then see what she says. Mention to her that you really appreciated her help last week and that you can't belive that you haven't been anywhere in 10 months and now have two nights out that you must attend.
It's up to her. But I do suggest that you find a babysitter and start going out a bit :)
It's the same for me, for the same reason. I think your responses affirm that you should ask, so I'll just wish you well. I hope you do ask, and whatever the answer, ask again in the future. Best of luck.
Never hurts to ask... and it's not like you are asking her to watch your baby so you can have sex!! ;o) But for a real adult reason LOL
No, I'd not feel bad
I am in the same boat - sinking and wont ask for a life preserver! I have the worst time asking for help but am 1st to offer it. If it were me, I would call and thank her again for babysitting and tell her it seems little man had a lot of fun with gramma. That gives her the opportunity to say it was her pleasure or feel free to ask anytime. Then, simply put it out there. "I dont want to be a bother or for you to think this is going to be an every weekend thing, but something has come up and we would just love it if you would sit with little man again. If it's an imposition, feel free to say so." That gives her an out and lays all the cards on the table.
How about asking her if she feels comfortable sitting again so soon?
I don't think asking twice is too much, but I am just like you. I worry about putting people out.
I know a mom who says yes and swears it is no trouble, then feels all put out afterwards. I sensed it after she twice briefly babysat. I never asked her again. There is another mom who lets me call and ask advice whenever I need to. I KNOW I am not bothering her now, but before I would ask "Is it ok to talk now? Do you have time?" I gave her an out if she needed it.
S.:
How great that you recognize this trait!! Seriously- other people don't recognize it and instead of putting it out there "whine" that they feel taken advantage of!! YOU GO GIRL!!
I would ask MIL again - and tell her that this will NOT be an every weekend occurrence.
I would also see if you can start a babysitting co-op with a group of friends - people you trust your kids around or to take care of your kids....especially since hubby is soooo darn picky about who can watch the kids.
You and hubby NEED nights out...no question about it. But you also need to find someone you trust to watch the kids....
I don't like asking for help - but I do - when I need it...then my group of friends KNOW I'm serious - we are the ones that usually give the "kid Lovin'" and "dog loving!!"" :) I don't like to inconvenience people either. So I get what you are saying about putting people out - but it's OKAY to ask!!!
Hope you have a great time this weekend!!!
You asked: I thinking too much into it because I have such an issue with asking for help?
Yes. She's a grandmother for heaven's sake. Although she might not be goo-goo ga-ga over babies what you're asking is not unreasonable, not an imposition, and she can always just say no. You have delayed quite a bit in asking her though - is that because you just found out about the event or have been putting if off because your anxious? And if this kind of thing makes you anxious, why can't your husband to the asking? The words are pretty simple - "thank you so much for baby-sitting last weekend, we had a great time at our event and hope you had fun with little Johnny. This is unusual for us and last-minute as we don't go out often at all but we have another event this weekend and we're looking for some help with Johnny again. Would you be able to watch him again? If not, it's no big deal but we figured it doesn't hurt to ask." And then she either agrees or not.
Have your husband pick up the phone and ask her right now. No sense spending any more time or energy on getting anxious about this!
As far as accepting help...realize that by accepting help, you are allowing others the same opportunity to feel good that you get when you help out with something. I was on bedrest for two weeks with my last pregnancy and the thought of being waited on hand and foot was mortifying, but my friends LOVED banding together, swooping in and taking care of my family. People were coming out of the woodwork to bring us dinners, drive my kids places, drop off muffins and other goodies, etc. It was humbling and wonderful. Another friend (one who helped me in the past) had a terrible bike accident a couple of weeks ago and our group of friends geared up to bring over dinners while she recovers. You had to respond quickly to claim a night because everyone wanted to help. Helping people is rewarding and fun and builds relationships. Allow other people to have those positive experiences by allowing them to help you when you need it.
Oh, Sweets...just tell her how you feel! Let her know that you are a little embarrassed to ask again so soon, but you and hubby would REALLY like to go. I'm sure she'll understand.
I have a TERRIBLE time asking for help, so I know just how you feel. It's actually made things harder for me at times than they need to be. I'll let things get really bad before I ask (see my post on being broke!). I just have too much pride I guess. It's a blessing and a curse.
I have the same problem, and for similar reasons as you.
YES, ask her. She is an adult, and she is perfectly capable of saying no. It's her grandchild, for pete's sake.
Assume that she, as an adult, knows her own mind, and is capable of refusing if she doesn't want to. Ask her.
First of all, it's always hard asking for help. And if you don't ask you won't know, right? And yes, there are times you need a sitter twice in a row. Why not talk with her and ask if it's something she's up for and if she would mind. For the future, don't wait on finding a sitter. Try and find two that you know you could alternate. If I knew if advance of a function I would tell one sitter that we have some upcoming dates, are you interested? Let me know so I could find an alternate. This way I knew what I needed and when.
And you're talking about you MIL, don't you think she would just love to do it?
I say ask! Good luck and enjoy your evening out.
yes, ask or have dh ask her. i am a grandmother of six, ages 16 down to 3 yrs. i live close enough to all of them to help out and i love every minute of it, all too soon they get old enough to stay alone and even babysit for the younger ones. i like to keep them overnight, but that is when they are sleeping thru the night!!
In regards to asking your MIL to watch the baby for you, go ahead and ask.....all she can do is say NO..............but mostly I bet she won't. I am like you a lot as it is hard for me to ask for help, but you have to realize that we can't DO IT ALL by ourselves. I would say that as long as you aren't asking all the time then GRANDMA will most likely love to watch your child. Don't feel bad for asking for help.............it takes a village to raise a child!! Have fun at your party!
Why do you feel bad asking "grandma"(right?) to babysit? I would think she would love the opportunity anytime she could get it. If she seemed happy the last time and things went well then she will probably enjoy it again.
