Did I Do Something Wrong?

I would hate for my mom to pass on something she needs/wants to do. I would feel really bad if she passed it up. Talk to her, its only one day, its not like you commited to all 5. I would completely understand.

No. It isn't wrong. You are already being a tremendous help. What would be wrong would be to wait until this fall to tell her you won't be available. Telling her up front is the best thing for all of you. It gives her time to plan and if you don't end up getting the position, you can still do what you originally offered.

You are not wrong. You need to take care of you and do what is right for you. I really dont think one day a week is going to upset her. Personally I would rather my mom help me out one day every now and then on the weekend so my husband I could go out, than one day a week when the baby would be gone anyways. Things happen for a reason, just go with it and do whats right for you.

No, you are not wrong. You want, and need to explore your own options, for yourself too. Doesnt mean you wont be around to help as much as you can, just means you have your own life, and she should understand that. One day a week isnt too much more to ask of a sitter to do, or a day care. Things happen, and its not like you planned on it, thats just life. Explain, and talk to her about how she is feeling, and tell her your sorry and be honest.
Hope it all works out for you.

I'm sure she's disappointed, but I think by telling her early that there is a chance you won't be able to watch the baby, you made it easier to deal with. More time to adjust her requirements for a sitter, etc.....
I think it's wonderful to help, but you've still got O. to get through college & you've gotta consider that as well.

Wow! You do a lot for your daughter already. You're a good mom. Don't feel guilty about applying for the job. Is that one day a week that you planned to watch her baby really going to help her that much if she already has to hire a babysitter for the other four days of the week?

My MIL committed to watching my SIL's baby one day a week after she returned to work. I think she regrets it now. The baby is now 1 1/2, and he is very rambunctious. She can barely keep up with him, he tears apart her house, climbs up on everything, and hits her when he gets mad. SIL gets a little frustrated with her mom because grandma spoils her grandchild with treats and doesn't discipline him enough. He is with a babysitter the other four days of the week, and there are different rules at her house too.

In my opinion, if you want to enjoy being a grandma, leave the primary care of your grandchild to his parents and day care providers. Visit your grandchild often, and offer to watch him/her when your daughter and your husband want some time alone.

Your daughter is probably disappointed because there is a C. in her plans, but the sooner she can prepare for it, the better. Good luck, and I hope you get that job!

No you are right to apply for the job. You have raised your children already. It was super nice to volunteer to watch the baby, but you have no obligation to do this. Plus, you are not leaving her in the lurch, after all the baby has not even been born yet. She has plenty of time to find child care. Why should she be able to work and not you? Don't feel guilty.

No! You are not!! You can't take care of everybody and everything. Somethings gotta give somewhere. You are giving plenty of notice and better now when she's discussing terms with potential sitters. You have done all you can to help, but at the end of the day, you've got to make sure you stay solvent. Heck, you haven't even applied yet, much less gotten an interview. You're not betraying anyone. You haven't been anything but honorable. Don't put too much into her facial expression. She's expecting her 1st baby! yikes. She's just overwhelmed and frustrated in general. She won't hold it against you. Congratulations on the new grandchild. That's a wondrous joy.

Things change and so does life. You need to do what you feel is right for you. You have raised your family, your daughter needs to raise hers.

Although, if I were in her shoes I would also feel disappointed/sad, I would quickly get over it as I know my mom has to do what is good for her.

I was weird when I was pregnant too, especially with my mom. She'll work through it....

19 years from now you and she will have a giggle about it as your Grandchild walks across the stage to get his HS diploma!

Go for the job Mom!
And congrats!

:)

You raised/are raising your own children. You are not obligated to help your daughter. It would have been nice BUT it's not your JOB. Understandable she may be disappointed as you obviously would be the more ideal supplement care giver but again that would have been a bonus not your obligation. Don't feel guilty.

Could not agree with Love My Boys 3 more. You are not wrong!

Plans change/things happen. My MIL and SIL said they would watch our first child (we are now prego w/ #3) 2 days a week and 3 days respectively with no end date. We were paying my SIL and we were living with my MIL. Behold 6 months later, they decided they didn't want to anymore....so we had to look for a daycare. It happens, she will get over it. Were we happier with our baby being with family and not in the germy daycares with 10 other babies, yes. Did we stay angry and disgruntled- no :P. Apply for the job and either way, things will work out.

If I were your daughter I would tell you to apply for the job and take it if it is offered ... It is her responsibility to find care and you are not required to do this job. Be grandma and if you do not get the job then continue with the plan if that works otherwise let her find proper care for her new baby. Congrats on the new grand baby.

What a great mom you are. Your daughter without a doubt should feel so thankful for all that you have done and have offered to do once the baby is born. The thing about life is that it is unexpected. Things happen, things change, and you pick up your pants, so to speak, and move on. She is understandably sad/frustrated because most likely she trusts you more than she could ever trust anyone with her beloved baby and she is forced to look outside of her comfort zone. What if you didn't live near her, you were not able to offer as much assistance as you have...she would still have to look for a sitter if her job/career is something she doesn't want to lose after the baby is born. Apply for the job. If it's meant to be, you will get it, if not at least you know you tried without ever having to look back and wonder about all the "what if's."

I can understand that for a second she could feel a little frustrated, just because she had it solved and now she needs to figure out that day... I am sure that after it sinks in her head she'll be fine with you. Some times it just takes a little to wrap around new circumstances.

You need to do what is good for you, you are right, you will be upset with yourself if you do not even try for the job, plus your daughter is a grown up and she has her own life, she must be very grateful that she has such much help already with you and at the same time it is a great blessing that you have your own life and activities and she is not responsible 100% of the time for you.

Opportunities do not come our way that often, so it is very good when we recognize them and take them, make the best of it. You offered to care for the baby when your circumstances were different and you had the chance but now that may change and it is more than OK that you do what you need to do for you.

My mom moved close to where I live a year ago, now for the first time I can count on her to watch the kids now and then. I am soooo happy for that, and I am getting out with my husband way more than we could have hoped for, but I understand and actually like when she tells me no, because I know that she is having her own life, friends and activities.

Hope this helps.

No, you aren't wrong. A great opportunity could be in the works for you.

I've seen my parents make choices 'for their kids' that really ended up being sacrificial on their part, and have really led to their unhappiness with their current life situation. They are now in a house they don't like, because they were so concerned about a grown sibling and their child.

I think if you would feel resentful for not trying for this position, you know what you really should do. You sound like a great, caring grandmother-to-be. Let her know that while you do want to spend time with your granddaughter, this is what you need to do to stay financially afloat and personally satisfied and growing in your work. She can be upset and frustrated-- it's okay, because it's always ideal to have someone you love and trust caring for your new baby, and that may be what she was looking forward to. Acknowledge her feelings, and let her know you love her. It's really all you can do.

HOW WONDERFUL that you did all these things for her!! My mom lives in California and I'm here in DC - so when I had my first boy - she couldn't even be there for the shower!!

If you were my mom and you had a job opportunity - it doesn't matter what my situation is - YOU GO FOR IT!!! No, you are NOT wrong at all!!

This would be what I would say to you:
I know I would be nervous and scared trying to find someone to take care of my baby - it's a hard thing to do - turn over your child to someone during the day!! But i'm a big girl mom - your support means more than you will ever know!! YOU GO!!! I hope you get the job!

The only thing that you are doing wrong is coming in as the co-parent and not the grandmother. It is NOT your responsibility to raise this chld-it is your daughters. It is appaling to me how many moms just ASSUME that their parents are going to be their babysitters, caretakers and basically their co-parents. You have a life-live it! And in the future be very careful about what you do for them. And do not take any bs or attituse from them either. You deserve and should get gratitude for all that you do. NOT attitude. And do not feel guilty about anyting or let her MAKE you feel guilty. Sadly, I think that the writing may be on the wall here. Now is the time to nip it in the bud. It is wonderful that you want to be involved but you need to step back from it all to let your daughter be the grownup that she is.

Wow, you're one amazing mom and there are plenty of moms on this site who can only dream of having someone as loving, and nurturing and caring as you...I would be first and would like to submit my name to your waiting list of daughters' who want and need a mom like you....

My take on her sadness is that it's not you personally who would be loving on her newborn. Rather an overworked, tired, daycare provider. Just come to this site and you'll read all kinds of posts about mom's running daycares out of their homes and how they don't have handle on it.

I agree with all the sage advice, you need to do what's best for you. You should actively apply for this interesting position, b/c you'll resent it if you don't. Don't have that regret. Maybe it will turn into just 4 days a week and you can watch your grandchild the off day????

I'd also like to recommend to your daughter to start asking all her teacher friends who job share or have little ones at home, to see what they do for daycare. My sister is a teacher and job shared the first year of each chlid's life with another mom and they took care of each other's babies. Worked out marvelous for all.

no, you are not wroing. You are teaching your daughter that she needs to be resourceful for the rest of her life. Plans change all the time. It's good that she is looking for back up sitters. She's a grown woman and should not be depending on Mom anymore, you do have your own life as well. You will be free when your schedule allows, and she needs to always have some back up plans for when Grandma isnt around.
congrats on your new grandbaby and your new opportunity!

I don't think you did anything wrong and I think you should apply for the job. I know you are also excited about being grandma and I do think your daughter would want the best for you too. Just talk keep an open line of communication with her, everything will work it's self out.

I would go forf the job. Especially since you have a child in college. It is not
that you promised Mon-Fri and are now leaving her without any childcare.
Instead of four days of childcare she will look for five. Not a big difference.
I am sure she will understand. You have done so much for her I am sure
she will understand.

No, you are not wrong for pursuing this job after you offered to babysit for her baby once a week!! We all need money, and your daughter works full time, so why can't you? That is wonderful that you might have found a full-time job, especially since it is harder to find employment as we get older. I think you should apologize for offering to babysit, and explain that you didn't know about this opportunity at the time of your offer. If your daughter can't be happy for you, that will be very, very sad.

Also, you can still babysit for them occasionally on a Fri. or Sat. night so they can have date nights. I really hope she isn't going to be upset with you. That would be very selfish on her part. Best wishes!

I don't think you are wrong, especially if you need to work for financial reasons. She may be disappointed or frustrated but at least you gave her plenty of notice.

As a daughter myself who is raising a young family who lives no where near family, I think they can figure it out. You are giving her enough of a heads up to find her own care. I wouldn't be too h*** o* yourself I bet you did a fine job raising her to be able to fend for herself.

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You sound like a very considerate mil and its seems like you do a lot for them. I believe in following thru on my word HOWEVER this is a great opportunity for you to take that job. It would help with your eventual retirement. It is a diffucut decsion with whatever you decide. I also strongly feel my kids are my responibility/my husbands. I would not pan off my kids to other people. Could you maybe help her find a sitter?

Apply for the job!!!...coming from a parent who did the "grandma P babysits Monday", "grandma B babysits Tuesday", "Aunt K babysits Wednesday", "Friend V babysits on Thursday and Friday. Its just so much easier on the baby to be in one place with the same sitter every day. Babies thrive on routine!!! Everyone can still visit, but not be responsible for care!!! Everyone had a different philosophy and ideas and frankly, no one followed my way of thinking which just caused issues that would not be there if I would have just paid a sitter!!! Its better for all of you to be the grandma, not the daycare provider. (Occasional nights out would be great for her and her hubby!!!) Good luck!

Go for the job!!! You can do both--may not be the exact schedule you want, but you both can make it work if you want it to work. You can do date nights- or 1 night a week of relief time for mommy/daddy to get a break etc. Do what feels right for your family. She has to do what is right for her new family too- she is learning and so are you! Take care, it will all work out!

M

Dear J.,
Your daughter should understand that plans change. Please, feel free to take this opportunity for yourself!
My mom just retired last year, and she would always feel guilty for "not being there for me" to help with the kids. I didn't want her to feel guilty in any way! We spent time with my mom and dad after work, and it was wonderful. I so appreciate my parents, regardless of how much they watch my kids.

You are not wrong to apply for the job. Your daughter may be disappointed, but that is no reason for you to halt your life.

Enjoy your new job and your new grandbaby!

I agree you could babysit for them to go out sometimes instead. You have your own financial responsibilities. It was a very nice thing to offer one day a week, but another thought is a lot of daycare for infants is fulltime only so they might have been paying for that time with you anyways! You have given her plenty of time that you are not leaving her in a bind. Good luck and Congratulations!

From a daughter's perspective, I would say that you sound like you have a perfectly good reason for not being able to baby-sit for one day a week like you originally offered. It's not like you are flaking out at the last minute or anything--you are hoping to pursue a full-time job that sounds like a good opportunity. If you explain that to her, she should understand (especially in the current economy) that this is something you need to try for. And since she has a lead on someone else who could do it, she should be fine. If she's not...well, that's her problem, not yours. Just tell her that you need to try for this job, and if it doesn't work out you could still baby-sit. If you still feel guilty, then you could always offer to baby-sit whenever she and her husband need a break (that's always a great thing for new parents)...but again, you have a good reason to go for that job and you shouldn't feel bad about that. Good luck, and I hope you get the job! :-)

Apply for the job. Your daughter may be disappointed but deep down she understands all adults have financial responsibilities. Fall is almost 7 months away and she has plenty of time to make child care plans.

I would assume her sadness is simply that she was looking forward to her baby having a strong bond with and extra TLC from gramma -- Assure her you will still find ways to make sure that happens.

NO. You come first. You're going to die sooner than she is. Go for the job.

She may have just been thinking how great it was that her baby and Grandma would have a special time together each week and now that won't happen..... TALK TO HER!

You are giving her plenty of headway so you don't have to feel guilty. Apply for the job and see what happens! It will all work out. You are being so wonderful and helpful with all the planning already!

Honestly...if she is getting a sitter for the other four days...what is one more day? Her sitter will be thankful for the extra work...and it will be easier on her baby to get use to a routine, and one person vs. numerous during the week.

It may be disappointing for her...but you need to do what's best for you. This is her responsibility, not yours - though hats off to you for offering to help "when you can."

It is much better overall to get a stable sitter to take the baby regularyly than transitioning a baby from numerous places and schedules during each week.

It may seem h*** o* you and her...but in the long run the job you love/want and a stable environment for the baby is the best bet.

You aren't wrong...and one day isn't going to make or break her...If it is...she may need to reasses "her" work schedule, not "yours."

I'm betting that it's not so much about the logistics of that one day but about the fact that the baby was going to be with grandma one day a week, and no he/she won't. I think it's special to have days with grandma and I'm betting it probably just threw her for a loop if she didn't know you were considering it. I would just talk to her about it. My mom is always so hesitant to talk to me about big things like this b/c she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, wants to help, etc. But, I'm a mom now too and I get those feelings on wanting to do everything for your child, but I also get that my mom needs to work, etc. She's a big girl and can handle the truth, so tell it to her. Say you're really excited about it plus you'll need the extra money to go towards her brother's college expenses. She'll understand. Just make up for it by lots of weekend babysitting! ;) J/K