Why Are Little Girls So Mean to Each Other?

I don't know the answer, but I can tell you that I know first hand what your children are going through. My first bit of advice would be to take your son to a dermatologist to see what you can do to help get his acne under control. I know that we should be accepting of each other just the way we are, but let's face it, that's not reality. Helping your son will help him with his self-confidence. I wish my mother would have done the same for me. As for the nasty girl, it sounds like she is insecure and trying to find her place within a group. I would encourage your children to nuture the friendships that they currently have, and for you to establish or nurture any relationships you have with those kids' parents. Looking back, the kids that seemed to have the least amount of issues with other children seemed to have parents that ran in the same social circles, whether they were close friends or just friendly with other parents. Once "Susie" realizes that your children have their own friends and don't need her acceptance, she will likely focus her attention on some other poor soul that doesn't have the same sort of support group. I know that my advice doesn't seem like immediate relief for the issue that you are facing, but I can promise you that it will have a positive effect long term.

You're right, it's probably going to be impossible to avoid her. But you CAN talk to your daughter and your son about the way she acts, and use it as a lesson in how not to treat people.

Your children can become models for "Susie" in politeness, and gently and lovingly correct her. For instance, if she makes a rude comment about a girlfriend's dress, your daughter can comment that she really loves the color of the dress.

But most of all, let your kids know that they are wonderful people. As long as they know that, they can dismiss anything offensive "Susie" says, since they'll know it's not true. And they'll gain a better understanding of how people's feelings can get hurt when we say mean things.

"Susie"'s Mom probably doesn't know what to do about it, either. I can understand her attitude of throwing her hands up in the air and not knowing what else to do, I am there myself on another issue. But you may want to suggest to your children that they are not required to play with her when she starts acting this way, that they are allowed to walk away when she's mean.

Hopefully "Susie" will learn that acting this way isn't gaining her any friends. Until then, good luck!

Hi R.! Sorry to hear about Susie but there is always one in the group. First, about your sons face....I might have a simple remedy for you...HONEY! I'm talking about actual honey you buy. My husband seems to break out all around his forehead area and on the sides when he sweats and in the sun. I get an occasional problem around my nose area..wierd. Anyway, we both started using honey and the problem is gone. I usually wash my face and then apply the honey to my wet face and leave it on while I shower. Sometimes if I forget to do it and get a couple of pimples, I just dab my finger on the honey and apply it directly to them. Believe it or not, it's NOT sticky. Use the smallest amount and you will see. Then I put my makeup on. Depending on the severity of the breakout is depending on how long it will take to get rid of it. Usually 1-2 days for me. If I do the honey everyday in the shower...no breakouts! Honey can not grow bacteria.

OK, about Susie. I had a little girl down the street and she is older than my daughter by about four years. They use to play together when they were younger but of course as she gotten older and she didn't want anything to do with my daughter. She just has a mean streak to other girls and is nice and sweet in front of adults and the mother is clueless. I had to talk to my daughter about her because she would hurt her feelings all the time. Finally I told her that she wasn't allowed to play with her anymore when she would ask. Every time she would ask I would tell her that she is not the kind of friend you want and remind her of how ugly she can be and hurtful to her feelings. We continually talked about it as it came up and then eventually she didn't want anything to do with her and realized that she isn't the kind of person she wants to associate with.

Now for the ugly things she says to your kids, well there is a problem at home and that girl is headed for a lot of emotional problems. I have no problem looking at other kids that I know have been mean and hateful to mine and letting them know with my eyes that I'm not letting them get away with it. They don't like being around me and have since moved onto other prey. I don't say a word to them, they just know that I know. Call it protecting my child and I'll tell you your right! No matter what age, people will pick on the weakest link. My oldest daughter (9 years old) is a rule follower and bossier kids know that about her and will push her or try to provoke her. She is tall and extremely strong for her age. She doesn't want to get in trouble at school or get a mark so she allows other kids to physically push her, bite her and hit her. We have been working with her all school year to explain that following the rules is the right thing to do but also protecting yourself is extremely important too. I figure after two verbal warnings (one too many in my book) to leave you alone, then take it into your own hands and I will back you 110% with the school and getting in trouble. After months and months of incidents and calls from the school nurse because she has been bit, hit etc. she has finally decided to defend herself. Now these kids don't mess with her anymore and she is much happier. She has a kind soul and her classmates nominate her as the nicest person in their class. These incidents take a lot of talking and reassuring their confidence and that we will be there to back her and it's finally paying off. It's so frustrating as a Mother to watch your child go through these things. I am a person that is VERY upfront so for me to have to sit back and just talk to her about it is hard for me. I want action right then but each incident that arises is proving to make her stronger and she comes around sooner in her thinking and dealing with things. It's been years of talking but it was worth every one of those talks.

Oh and for the mother of Susie. I wouldn't say a word to her, silence can be deadly. Just make sure that they know with your actions that she is not welcome at your house and your children are not to play with hers. She will be on the defensive for awhile but stay your course. Good thing is that your not alone, all the other parents on your block feel the same way and might jump on board with you and not allow their children to associate with her either. She might finally get the picture and back off AFTER a spell of resistance. Just be ready for her to rebel from everyone ignoring her and not getting the attention she once did. Negative attention is still attention. Good luck and it could be a long bumpy ride but IT WILL smooth out. Keep me updated if you can.

S. P.

Thats a hard one, but let me tell you one day SUSIE will meet someone and that little girl is going to teach her a lesson. From experience I knew a Susie she made everyones life miserable. Finally one day a few of us girls ganged up on her and she was never the same. Its hard, but if it were my daughter I would try and explain how and why some people are like that. And to be assertive towards her. Being nice does not mean not sticking up for yourself or getting angry at someone. :)

I'm new to Houston and I was beginning to think kids here didn't come out and play with neighbors...this gives me some hope. My kids miss our old neighborhood and their friends alot. It seems letting your kids go outside to do anything other than get in the car is not ok here and that bothers me. So I've been on a mad hunt to find extracurricular activities so they can make new friends. My cousin is 9 yrs old and I have 6 yr old twin girls and the time they spent was the worse...they learned to pick at each other and other kids they started playing "mommy and daddy" just awful...thankfully we moved away. While we were there I would still let the play I would just interact more with them. Six and nine doesn't seem like a big difference but it is. She needs buddies closer to her age. Maybe busy her with other things so going out to play with this girl is last on the list.

I understand your problem -- I have a similar one. I have a four year old daughter and there are a lot of kids that play in our cul de sac as well. Most of them are boys and when the boys are together, they are often mean to my daughter -- of course they want to play with her when they don't have other boys to play with. She always wants to play with them. Since I know -- as much as I don't want it to -- that she will encounter this type of hurtful behavior, etc. when I am not around to protect her, I have used it as an opportunity to teach her to take the high road. I have told her that she is wonderful and beautiful and anyone should want to play with her -- even though the boys act that way, don't let it bother her -- one day they will be begging for her attention. I told her to tell them to "be nice". Since your daughter is a bit older you could equip her with words also for when "Susie" does something mean. Such as -- how would you feel if I treated you that way? Reassure your daughter that she is right and that she understands from Susie's behavior how much it can hurt feelings to be mean and reassure her how wonderful it is that she is such a nice and kind girl. You and I both know that behavior comes from the parents often enough and adult women can be pretty mean also. You are helping her to deal with a problem that she will encounter throughout her life -- and she will be the better person for it.

R.,
This child obviously has no social skills, and it sounds like the mother doesn't have any either. Do the child a favor, and teach her what the parents aren't. I have been in similar situations (my daughter is 20 now...I also teach 4th grade). If "Susie" is playing at your house, have conversation with her and your daughter. You can always invent an imaginary situation, asking them how they should handle it. At the same time, explain to your own kids that some people just don't have the skills and maturity that are required to interact with people. Unfortunately, you are correct to point out that there will be many, many "Susies" throughout life.

I understand how hurtful girls can be. In elementary, I had the same issues. The girls would move my lunch to a different lunch table when I would walk away. The worst part about it was I carpooled with these girls. The oddest part was during the summer we were on swim team and were the best of friends. Every year when school rolled around, they were mean.

It ended up that I left the private elementary school and went to a public middle school. At that school, I found new friends and became quite popular. I still was not comfortable in my skin until my third year in college.

Now that I am in my 30's, my best friend is one of the girls I grew up with who was mean to me. We have both grown out of insecurities and immaturities and do not go a week without conversing with each other. Point is it gets better when you get older.

I just had a little girl and every day I think about what am I going to do if she is in that situation that my mom did not do. I cannot think of anything. Honestly, I do not think my mom could have done anything to make that situation better. It makes me sad to say that but I just believe that there is not much you can do when it comes to girls being caddy to other girls.

My daughter is only three, so I haven't gone through much of this. In fact, when we have encountered hurtful behavior, we avoid those situations. But she's three, so I can just remove her myself. At your daughter's age, its different. She has to learn to deal with this herself (unfortunately). I think what I would do is teach her that this is mean, unacceptable behavior and give her some things she can say back to the girl, same with your son. For instance, when she comments on pimples, he could tell her she has a bugger in her nose, or that she has bug-eyes or mop hair or a big nose, etc. I was a shy child myself, and always got picked on. From experience, these type of children pick on the ones who won't say anything back. My sister was the type who would reply to this type of comment with exactly the type of thing I'm suggesting and it worked for her. No one picked on her more than once. And by the way, my sister is very kind, loving, and thoughtful, so it didn't make her a bad person. She just didn't take this kind of stuff from kids. Sometimes the picking can become physical too. I was even pushed by these type of kids. I would just stand there and take it because I didn't even think to do anything - it wasn't in my nature. One time my friends who were standing around me said to do something and when I did (just a push back was all it took), those kids never bothered me again. My husband says he was picked on one time. When his dad found out he made him fight the boy. I wonder if this type of responsemight be why boys don't seem to pick as much??? This girl needs to have some type of harsh response to her bullying.

Good luck, and don't be afraid to allow your kids to be mean right back. I wish I would have done this more. It definitely helped my self esteem when I did stand up for myself.

R., you are correct that you can't completely avoid Susie and her family. The best you can do is talk to your children before incidents occur to plan some possible reactions/responses. I have been a teacher for many, many years. I hate to say it, but quite a few girls ages 8-10 at elementary school are like Susie part or all of the time. For many it is a passing phase that they will mature and grow out of. Others aren't very nice even as teens. Best wishes.

Hi R. I have some those challenges with my girls but I often sit them down to ask why they respond to each other in that way. I ASK have you ever heard Mommie talk like that or act like that with anyone? Especially family. Would you like to be a BIG Lady like mommie and NOT have anyone to talk to or be friends with becuase people thought you were RUDE or MEAN. Well treating people with respect in very important and you will soon see when you grow up. Being nice or kind matters starting now and when you make friend and show love in your family.
My girls seem to realte when I put them in my shoes... try it.

It will get better jst be an expample and correct the actions that are wrong.

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R., This is a tough situation to be in. I have 2 wonderful daughters (9 yrs and 12 yrs) and this has happened to both of them. I think it is a right of passage!!!! It is currently happening to my 9 yr old... so I know how tough it feels to want to rescue your child. I would like to share my daughters' experiences with you. Maybe they will help you.

When this happened to my oldest, she was also about 10 yrs old at the time. The girl my daughter was having issues with was one of her good friends...something just went wrong between them. I knew the other girl's family and they were a good family so I decided not to address her mother at this point...I wanted the kids to work it out and learn a lesson. Instead, I spoke to my daughter daily and asked the teacher her input and to make sure things did not get physical or too mean. The teacher said it is a common thing for girls to go through this at their ages. Then I used this terrible time to teach my daughter how terrific she is and what makes a good friend, how to choose friends that are good for her..to be selective, what the difference is between friends and acquaintances, and how to deal with difficult people in school or when older in life in a work place. She applied this and did not take the girl's actions personal. She learned to avoid her and count on her true friends. Things gradually got better within about a month or two. A few years later, my daughter is currently best friends with her sister. She often hangs out with both and are all wonderful friends. Since there never was any tension with her mother, we sometimes do things with the kids with no problems or tensions. So hang in there...you never know.

Now, my youngest has a different story. She was best friends with a girl about 2 yrs ago. Now they are at odds. This girl yells terrible things to her and makes fun of her in front of others. One of the girls has pushed and shoved my daughter several times. But when my daughter and the girl were alone she would act like a friend. My daughter did not want to get in trouble at school and would not respond or defend herself. Never in a million years would I think that she thought that way...so I am glad that I really listened to her. She also informed me that she looked forward to being friends with this girl again (I did not like this!!!) She would come home feeling defeated. This time I told her about friendship as I did with my oldest, same lecture. (She does not want to be this girl's friend anymore...yeah...this is a tough but necessary lesson) But, this did not resolve the pushing problem. So I decided to tell her it is time she defended herself. I showed her some defensive moves and told her to do back to the girls what they did or said to her. I also told her the boundaries at which she could use this...if she used them as self defense ONLY then I would support her 100% at school. Otherwise, she would face punishment. This was all she needed. Her confidence in herself grew and she refused to be bullied. She told the girls "no".

One daughter "survived" this with a mental lesson only, the other with the mental lesson but more importantly the support she needed from her parents that it is OK to defend herself and how to defend herself.

I hope my stories help. Good luck.