I mean, these are 4 YEAR OLDS in PRESCHOOL.
It's not an every day thing, and in the grand scheme of things probably not a big deal, but at the same time I can't believe this is happening at this age. My daughter goes to preschool 4 mornings a week. She is very friendly and outgoing and tends to want to be friends with everyone. She gets along with most people and is friends with many kids in the class. She loves school and looks forward to going every time. But once in a while, she'll start telling me that one girl in particular, "Susie" doesn't want to be her friend. She tells me, "Susie wouldn't play with me today." "I wanted to play with Susie but she won't be my friend." "Why doesn't Susie want to be friends with me?" Honestly, I think it's Susie with the issue and not my daughter, because I've seen Susie in action. I'm not one to think that my daughter is perfect or never does anything wrong, but she just has way too many other friends and kids who like her to make me think that she's the one causing a problem. DD is the kid who is a sweetie pie without being a push-over.
On the times that I've been in the class to volunteer, I've seen Susie telling other kids she'll be friends with another kid but not them. She won't share with certain kids. At one point a small group of them (including Susie and my daughter) were sitting down at one table playing with play-doh and Susie was using a cookie cutter that another child wanted to use when she was done. She told him she would share when she was done but not with him. I was right there when she said it and told her flat-out that she needed to share with everyone and be nice to everybody. She then gave him the cookie cutter. Susie also has a hard time listening and sometimes just decides she is going to do what she wants to do (like taking her shoes off in the middle of circle time on the rug while the teacher is reading a story). My daughter tends to be more of a rule-follower and less apt to play such "games" with other kids - she's just equally nice to everyone, because she seems to "get it" that that is what you are supposed to do.
The teacher seems to be on top of it but I plan to talk to her about it when I am back in the classroom again later this week. My daughter just doesn't seem to understand why Susie is like that to her and I just keep telling her not to worry about it - that if Susie can't be nice to her, she doesn't need to worry about being friends. That she doesn't need someone like that who isn't going to actually act like a good friend. And she has plenty of other really good friends that she should play with instead. I don't know if that's expecting too much of a 4 year old to understand, or if there's anything else I can tell her. I feel like this is just the beginning and I want to bully-proof her as much as possible. Interestingly, Susie's mother is one of the other preschool teachers in the school (for a totally different class). And when DD talks about the friends she really likes to play with, they are almost all boys - maybe because there is less "drama" involved? (She does have good friends that are girls, but they tend to be in other preschool classes, and she sees them on the playground or in child care after, or in our neighborhood).
Anyone else have anything to share or insight to give? TIA!
Thanks everyone - not really sure how much of it is "girl drama" and how much is just more typical preschooler behavior. My daughter has always seemed a bit more socially savvy than her peers and I'm trying to get her to understand that she can't get that upset over another kid not acting friendly toward her. Just this morning I talked to her before dropping her off and told her, again, "Remember, it's not you." and right away she responded, "It's her." I did tell her that sometimes Susie might be having a bad day and that might affect her mood, and that again, she can be nice without insisting that they be best friends all the time. And if Susie is not letting her play with her or the group that she is in, she needs to just leave her alone, not worry about it, and find other kids to play with. I also reminded her that not every kid is nice, or plays fair, and she can decide to just steer clear of them. Every morning when we come to school, there's always the kids that see her and just say, "Hey, it's A! A is here!" and everyone is all smiles. Thanks again!
ETA: Did end up mentioning it to the teachers today, in a casual kind of way. They said they know just how Susie can be and even Susie's mom knows how Susie can be, and so they are well aware of it and have Susie's mom's blessing to handle it however they have to. Their take on it is that Susie is just moody - if something doesn't go her way, or she doesn't get her way, she will sulk and pout about it for hours and carry that bad attitude around with her all day. My daughter is much more easy going in that regard - she might give ME a hard time, but doesn't pull it in school or with anyone else. She gets over things quickly. Interestingly I was there today to help out with the class and Susie was sweet as pie to my daughter. So at least now if something else comes up, I can explain to DD that Susie must be having a bad day and she has a hard time feeling happy again - and if she wants to try to cheer her up she can, but if Susie chooses to still act mean, she should just leave her alone and not take it personally. I know some adults that are like that too - doesn't make it okay, but at least, again, you realize it's them, and not you. :)
Children learn what is modeled for them. I suggest Susie has a mom who is like this. Yes, I've seen it that young.
This is the time to start teaching her that we can't please everyone and continue to remind her of the friends she does have. It's OK to not be friends with everyone.
I teach only 4 year old girls, so I know the drama. I wouldn't worry about it all. I have one in particular who will tell some of the girls that they can't come to her party which results in tears, but there isn't really even a party involved at all, lol. Some kids are just not as socially graceful yet.
Nope. I think you've told your daughter everything there is to say about the subject at this point. And I think that's kind of what you should keep repeating, because you don't want your daughter to have unrealistic expectations that everyone should or will be her friend.
It's hard to see your child's feelings hurt, but she needs to learn about reality.
She will find plenty of other friends, don't worry!
Well, you're making the "drama" to be honest! This is what happens in preschool..heck, every year of school! If most of her friends are boys, perhaps she is too pushy with her friendship and socialization.? Either way, this is normal. All you can do, is what you've already told her.
I can tell you when I was in preschool and kinder, I was not friends with the girls that just HAD to be my friend. It felt smothering, and I was more independent. I'm not saying that's your daughter, since I don't know her!! What I'm saying, is your daughter might be too eager. Or, maybe Suzie just doesn't like many people period. It's just a normal social interaction. It's healthy for your daughter to learn to take and leave people.
As the mother of two girls, now ages 12 and 16, and a long time leader of Girl Scouts, classroom aide and classroom volunteer, all I can say is, mama, hold on tight it's gonna be a VERY bumpy ride!
Girls are WAY more sociable/socially aware than boys, which has both it's positives and negatives, believe me. Just like we moms are much more aware of this stuff than the dads, lol!
Your daughter sounds JUST FINE, don't worry about this other girl too much. Your daughter MAY go through a phase of wanting to be friends with the so called "popular" girl (yes, it starts around age 4) but ultimately she will choose to be friends with others like her, and yes, that may include some boys.
It's all normal, and as long as she has other friends and isn't completely focused on just one "popular" girl she will be all right :)
This sounds like a learning opportunity for both you and your daughter. You first, time to stand back and let your daughter learn how to deal with the "Suzies" of the world. You won't be there every day to help fight her battles, this is the socialization part of early education. She won't be permanently damaged or destroyed by anything this child does while at school as long the teacher is present. Give her the chance to learn who she is and how to deal with girls like "suzie".
Your daughter, you CAN talk to her about things like what qualities make a good friend and how to treat others. Make this a character lesson and don't point fingers just try to encourage her to be the friend she would want to have. Take a deep breath, she is going to be okay!
The point is these things happens. In all grades, in all ages.
The thing is: I teach my kids that not all kids or Adults, are fair/nice/correct/gracious/thoughtful. And it has NOTHING to do with you... because if you observe the child, they do this to other kids too. BUT that THEY have a choice and can make friends with other kids, too. Don't get wrapped up in another kid's drama or making trouble. But, if something is wrong/mean... then tell the Teacher.
I teach my kids, that there is a difference, between people... doing things like that to everyone or to just them. Singly. Then, they can always tell me. And if it is a problem with only my child, then I speak to the teacher and they can also speak up to the child and to the Teacher.
But things like this happens all the time. And sometimes there is no reason. Some people/kids, are just not as fair or nice. But don't take it personally.
AND that they CHOOSE, their friends. And to "DISCERN" people and their intentions and actions.
My kids are 5 and 9. And they have become good at discerning, because I have always spoken to them about stuff like this, about people and scenarios. So that, they can think on their own and not get swept up into... other kids making trouble or creating drama.
And if something inappropriate is happening, they know... to speak up and/or tell me and the teacher. They also know how to stand up to other kids and speak up.
Human nature. These things will happen.
Some kids, just really make drama. And usually it is the kid's own, issues.
Of which, the Teacher is usually VERY well aware, of that fact. And how it can affect, the other kids.
If it is negatively affecting other kids or your kid, then tell the Teacher.
But in a classroom full of kids, there will always be, those that create drama and/or are not nice. Not all kids, are nice. I teach my kids that as well. So they need to use, their inner radar and discern.
This is only among 4 year olds.
Just wait, until your child goes onto other grade levels.
At my kids' school, the Teacher will always talk to the class as a whole, about conduct. And will, privately with the parent, talk to the parent if their child is instigating negative behavior or doing bad behavior to others.
Even adults, can be this way.
I think you might be reading a little too much into this.
For one thing, they are 4. I doubt they understand the concept of "drama".
For another thing, they are just learning to navigate in social situations. This is the very beginning of learning how to relate with others. Your daughter has many years ahead of her to learn that there are some kids who are forceful, shy, etc. In the midst of all of it, the best thing she can do is be herself and be kind and considerate of others.
It's never too young to learn the Golden Rule.
It's never too young to learn that someone else having a bad day, a bad attitude or simply not wanting to play with her doesn't reflect on her.
These are life lessons.
Just my opinion.
I think you may be reading way too much into this. Its wonderful that your daughter wants to be friends with everyone, but many kids are not like that yet. She may be more socially advanced? I think you may be ascribing adult complexity to a very simple, "I like you today and not you."
Some kids do not have the social skills that others have. And at 4 there is still a lot to learn about sharing and friendship. Even in kindergarten the kids will use friendship as a weapon, "if you don't give me that pencil I won't be your friend!" Instead of telling your daughter that if Susie can't be nice to her not to worry about being friends (which perpetuates the drama by the way), have her show by example. Tell your daughter that Susie needs help learning how to be a good friend and how to share. Tell her to say something like, "That makes me feel bad when you say that. I share with you because it is the nice thing to do." Have her try to include Susie when she is playing by inviting her to play. A little kindness by example goes a long way. As for wanting to play with the boys, I have found that girls like playing with boys at this age because they are just more fun. They are rough and tumble, funny, careless, and they just don't care about who did what to whom, like the girls do. They are also much more likely to be inclusive to everyone then girls are. Next time you are at a playground, watch a group of girls together and then watch a group of boys together, and you will see what I mean.
Totally normal from what I've seen, but when I first encountered this I felt the same as you do. 4 year old girls can be catty!
In some ways it's just the beginning, and in others it's a phase that lasts about a year or so. It seems that they begin to understand the impact and power they have to influence other people's feelings by saying they want to be friends or not, or want to play or not. And sometimes they like the response/effect they get by doing this.
My daughter liked to play with boys too, and still does. I always thought that it was because she has a younger brother (close in age) and she could relate to boys. In some ways though, boys can just be more fun than girls if your daughter has high energy and a good sense of humor. They are just zanier in many cases.
Don't worry too much about Susie. Your daughter will come to her own conclusions about whether she likes Susie's behavior or not and whether she wants to bother being friends with her. And your daughter will probably later be one of the kids who is compassionate to other kids who are different, or new in class or shy and she'll be a good friend to them.
It sounds like you're doing a good job at guiding your daughter and helping her figure out how to respond to kids like Susie. :)
Early lesson that not everyone is going to like you and you can't please "everyone". Perhaps Susie is "at 4" is not responsible for her behavior and is acting the way she see's an adult act. I wouldn't put this much thought into the issue and tell your daughter you can't make everyone like you! My 13 & 15 year old both have dram and I try to stay out and let them handle it unless asked, or if someone could be hurt. I have a family therapist and she suggest not to contribute to the drama by giving it too much attention.
I too suspect Suzie's M.. There was a 4 year old who only was mean to my child. I would make sure they are not in the same class next year.
There will always be bratty kids. My daughter has experienced this, but unfortunately starts saying the same thing back. Definitely something I will not tolerate.
I always tell my daughter that sometimes other kids are mean and don't even realize how it hurts the other kid. I always go to their feelings. How did it make you feel when Susie said she didn't want to be your friend? That's why its really important to never say something like that to anyone, even Susie! When she says that to you, you can say "Ok, you don't have to be my friend right now, but I'm here to play when you're ready". (This gives your child hope that eventually they will come around. Also might put Susie off guard. Remember, kids usually have been mistreated if they are mistreating others...having empathy is important) Tell her to remember to always be extra kind to Susie because kindness always wins, and because Susie is mean, she needs a lot of kindness showered on her to sweeten her up.
It may not make Susie a nicer kid, but it should teach your daughter the best way to deal with mean kids. Thankfully the teacher is on top of it. Hopefully your daughter will also teach the other kids in the class, by her example, to be nice to Susie too.
Best wishes!
My daughter tried to be like Susie. Let me tell you, I put a stop to it REAL quick! She would have friends over during the summer and would try to exclude one. I reminded her that it wasn't nice to be like that and asked her how she would feel if one of her friends did that to her. She "got it" after I put it that way. At conferences this year, her teacher complimented the fact that our daughter makes sure to invite someone else into the group if there is a person playing by themselves. Btw, my daughter is also 4 and in preschool. Maybe Susie's mom hasn't been as guiding with her daughter. My daughter also made a comment last year in school about one little girl not playing with her. My advice to her? Maybe the other little girl wanted to play by herself that day and that if she acts like that again, that my daughter should just find something else to do or someone else to play with. It's a learning experience and one that you sound like you handled very well. Good luck..aren't girls fun?? HA HA
I don't have girls but I remember in both my sons' classes (before we left traditional school) the girls started in on that stuff MUCH sooner than the boys. I'm talking pre-K and kinder. And that was 10+ years ago!
Good luck - sounds like your daughter is handling it well.
I don't have any really good answers, but you should keep in mind that kids' ideas of friendship at this age is not what we understand as adults. Preschoolers & young children sometimes think that they can't be friends with more than one person at time, or that inviting another child into the play they are having (like playing house together or building w/ blocks, etc.), will "break" the play dynamic, etc. For some kids, being friends could mean that they like to play the same games or like the same TV show.
It really is unbelievable what little girls are capable of. And yes, I agree it comes from home. We actually had a little girl that we would bring to school some days and my daughter would ask "will you play with me today?" she would say "No, I am going to play with so and so today" while in our car. At my daughters bday party , she literally caused a big scene by telling my daughter she wouldn't play with her. All the other girls stood around my daughter while she cried. Her mother wasn't at the party someone else brought her. She was doing it for the drama. I literally had to tell her that her mother wouldn't appreciate her behavior since we give her rides to school. She snapped out of it then.
We have another "friend " who likes to tell my kids that this kid doesn't like them and then that kid doesn't like them . She can't be friends with everyone only the people she is with at the time . She talks about everyone. We are purposely sending our kids to another school so our daughter can get an education and avoid the drama with her. My daughter just loves her and cries her eyes out when this kid is mean and ignores her. It is really awful.The parents have no idea.
I agree to keep your daughter away from her as much as possible. It is so hard because the girls are always drawn to the one that won't give them the time. Hang in there=)
