When Is Enough Really Enough?

I agree with the posters that said he may be depressed, and it wont show up on blood work.
You said even if he was he wouldn't fix the problem because he never follows through with anything....depressed people tend to do that. People who don't see themselves as being depressed, will often refuse treatment...thinking nothing is wrong with them. Some just don't have the "will" to get help...they just don't care anymore.
Sometimes getting someone help for depression is a very long process.
The fact that you point things out and apply online for him does not mean he doesn't care, again this could be brought back to the depression issue. So could the falling asleep in public.
He also got you a valentine's day card, which shows he cares about you in some way. It may not be what you want to happen right now, but it was some sort of effort.
I would say push the issue of him getting help for the depression as much as you possibly can. Again though, it may be a SLOW process, and it's really on you if you want to stay through it. I wish you good luck.

He sounds clinically depressed, which won't show up on a blood test. I would recommend he go to a Psychiatrist.

Your husband is depressed and needs psychological help, not bloodwork. You can't force him to go, but he meets all of the criteria.

If there is no relationship left and nothing left to "fight for", then you decide when it's "enough". Remember that staying in an unhealthy marriage for the sake of the kids is counterproductive. You can certainly request regular visitation under the circumstances.

I would suggest that you seek-out a good therapist for yourself and take some distance if needed. You can separate while you are figuring this out- rent an apartment nearby and see how you feel about it.

If the MIL doesn't NEED to live with you, I suggest that you make other arrangements for her, should you decide to stay in the marriage. As long as his mommy is around to do it for him, there will be no "need" for him to make changes.

It sounds like your husband may be depressed... it takes more than bloodwork to determine that, so I would have him check in with his doctor.

You need a break. You seem overwhelmed and it's time to focus on yourself! Get out for an evening with your girlfriends, or go visit your family for the weekend.

Finally, put MIL to work. If she is in your house and you can't ask her to leave, make a list of things for her to do and let her know that it would really help you out if she would do these specific things. That way, you get some help that you need, she feels needed and work gets done.

I'm sorry you are in such an exhausting situation- I hope it works out. Good luck.

From what you've written, it does seem that your husband displays symptoms of depression and/or something else. Has *he* seen a counselor?

Just a side note, is there any possibility that additionally your husband is using a/n substance/s? Specifically opiates, benzodiazepines or alcohol? I'm not trying to make an accusation and may be WAY off base. I thought it worth a mention though.

You got some good repsonses so I will add only this. Enough is enough when YOU say it is. Period.

.

I'm sorry for your situation but if you can make it until your daughter is 18, please do. If she's not your biological daughter, likely you won't get custody. (I assume) It sounds like she really needs you and you're wonderful with her. Is there any way you can just live like he doesn't exist? My husband isn't lazy like yours but gone at work all the time bc he's so ambitious. So I basically don't count on him now for anything. If you let go in your head maybe and act like you're already separated, it may help the resentment. Hire some help etc. It's still cheaper than if you split and have to pay rent... Do what you want, when you want and then it won't be as bad. I live like that. I love my husband but we're financially very comfortable so I do what I want, spend what I want etc. Then I don't mind as much that he's not helping. If your MIL wants to do other people's chores (I assume not yours) at least figure it's one less thing for you to do. Maybe assign something new to your husband figuring she'll do it for him and get something out of her living there. Definitely let her do his laundry. And if she's eating the dinners you fix, she should take on a few nights. If she won't, start taking your daughter to dinner on the way home from skating and leave the 2 of them to fend for themselves. Best wishes.

Accept your issues and tackle one at a time not all at once.

The emotion that comes through the most in your post are feelings of irritability and bitterness. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but I can't help winder if it is hormonal or metapausal. Perhaps you can talk to your doctor about replacement hormone therapy-? If you are acting hyper-critical and annoyed, then your husband's 'escape to sleep' doesn't sound that abnormal. He may not enjoy your company either.

I truly don't mean to sound harsh but it sounds like you're digging your own grave (for your marriage). It sound like your husband is at least trying (with the valentines card). It sounds like you've given up.

I recall hearing from someone celebrating their 50th anniversary that the secret to marriage is to be nice to each other. You have to make an effort otherwise your relationship dies.

In three years, that's when you can decide to leave. Your daughter will be adult and able to make her own decisions, so you won't lose her. Until then do everything you can to make the marriage work. Get that MIL out of your house and get your husband to a holistic doctor. Blood work is not enough to tell you whether something is wrong or not, how he feels is a better indication.

you don't love him anymore-this is enough. You don't even like him. You know that you need to leave...its just a matter of when. You would hate to leave your 'fun buddy' I know-but is it really worth dealing with all of this just to hang out with a 15 year old girl who will most likely be leaving in a couple of years? If you and her are as strong as you make it out to be she will still be your best friend when you leave.

I think your husband sounds like every other middle aged man I know. Including my own husband
My husband rarely helps out around the house, I do almost everything, yet he still falls asleep if he sits in one place longer than about 30 seconds. He is not depressed, he is just a man - and I think that you need to accept his limitations.
If he has a job, and is working, that is a plus - maybe he doesn't want a very challenging job, and as long as you are affording bills, then he is happy - he got you a valentines, he is making an effort.
I think writing down all the positive points of your husband and marriage will help - it does not sound unsalvageable to me.
Trust me, I have been where you are now, and the reality is, that being on your own will be a lot harder on everyone.
The mother in law, needs a granny annexe, or a place of her own - that will put too much pressure on your marriage. If it is her house and you are living with her, then buy or rent a cheap place and get on your own.
Biblically we cleave to our spouses, and leave our parents, because it doesn't work when we are attached to the apron strings - MIL interfere they can't help themselves, even if they think they are helping.

If you decide to separate, do you really think he would keep you from your daughter? If he is really that lazy, it would seem he would be grateful to have you be in her life and continue to do all you do for her. Ask yourself, would HE really want to see his daughter go through the pain of losing her relationship with you? Regardless of the marriage, unless he is totally heartless, he wouldn't want to see his daughter suffer. If you've tried counseling, and still feel there is nothing left in your marriage, you can have a heart to heart talk with him about a trial separation, and still 100% sharing the parenting of your daughter, so she still has both of you. Keeping the focus on her needs and feelings, maybe he will be agreeable to that. It seems since the house is his family's and his mother lives there, the burden will be on you to move out, but still if you can work it out to share time with your daughter, it sounds like that may be worth a try. Good luck!

Have you all been to marriage counseling together?

For one, I would say mother in law needs to move out. That is a major stress factor and one that is no doubt adding unnecessary hardships. It would be a shame to lose a marriage and daughter over something like that.

What kind of effort are you putting in your marriage? Go open your Valentine's card, and show appreciation, really look deep into his eyes, think of the good times and give him a loving kiss. Take the time out to date each other, romance each other, hold each other's hands, cuddle. Go out at least one night as week on a date, and every night, say your prayers together, read some scriptures together, watch a tv series together, read a book together... hold holds, look in each others eyes and talk, laugh, make a game plan to become closer, more appreciative, more giving, less selfish, more thankful... be more communicative about finances and what you are going to do to become closer as a family, tell him your expectations of things he needs to help with around the home as well. These are things you both need to be doing, and you need to talk about them openly, calmly and sincerely.

If your mil cant leave the home yet, work on a time when she can. Also, you both need to confront her and let her know there are going to be some changes in the home rules. Also, try not to be as bitter and h*** o* her.

It sounds like you have emotionally checked out of your marriage.

Your husbands sounds like he also has major stress and the trouble sleeping and everything, could be depression, add that with the financial hardship and it is very common.

Let me tell you, we've been there. We lived with my in-laws for a while and it was very difficult. We were partially unemployed at the time, pregnant, college students, and almost divorced b/c we lost who we were as a couple through all of our hardships.

But really, this does not sound like a failed situation. It sounds like you have built walls to handle your stress and is possibly fighting your feelings for your husband b/c sometimes feeling empty is a defense mechanism when one doesn't feel like working on it anymore.

Have you two gone to marriage counseling together? If you both do and put in lots of sincere energy and get your mother in law out of the house, I promise you, this marriage can be salvaged if you are both open to each other. Before you can walk away from a marriage, you have to do everything you can to save it.

I absolutely love this short little video, it's only about 3 minutes long, but it really helped me when I was going through a time like this in our marriage.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQ1yLFIEVNo

Sounds like you already know the answer to this. If this is really how you are feeling most of the time and this isn't just a vent, then it sounds as if it is time to move on.

I am sorry you are struggling so much right now, and I wish the best.