What Would You Do?? - Austin,TX

I don't think you are making a big deal over nothing. Even if this is totally innocent, the idea that the boy told her not to tell is a red flag. Maybe a red flag for his parents too. What if someone is kissing or touching him and telling him not to tell? You never know. It is certainly worth making sure all the adults know what happened so they can all keep an eye on things. His parents need to know. If he is not much older, say 6 or 7, he shouldn't be in trouble for this. He just needs to know what the rules are and maybe his parents should talk to him about why he wanted to kiss a little girl. I think you would be doing him and his parents a favor by bringing this to light.

Also, I agree that you should give your daughter big praise for telling you even though the boy said not to. She's a smart kid!

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I think you have reason to be concerned. Our pre-school center is very clear with kids (and parents) that kissing is just something we don't do.

And though the situation is likely 99% harmless, I think it is a great opportunity to show your daughter that "don't tell" is a warning bell and that when she hears it, should should do exactly what she did...Tell you.

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I'd say it's probably totally harmless however I would mention it to the daycare teacher so she is aware and can keep an eye on things.

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As a former childcare worker, I can tell you this happens often. Taking that into consideration, when I found out any children in my class did this, I spoke to them and let them know it was inappropriat. Your daughter needs to know we do not kiss our friends on the mouth. I teach this to our children. If he is telling her not to tell, he knows they shouldn't be doing it and therefore someone needs to adress it with him. You can never over react when it comes to your child and safety!!! You are her advocate and I think you are right to be concerned. Talk to the director and to the teacher. Make everyone aware so they keep an eye on the boy. It might be innocent, but it might not be. Don't take a chance with her purity.

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What would I do? I would talk to the daycare about making sure this boy is always, always watched, and to look into what is going on in his life possibly as well. It is not normal for a boy to take a younger girl into a hidden place, kiss her, and tell her not to tell. And, I would not keep my child somewhere I wasn't 100% sure they would be safe. You are not blowing this out of proportion. I would NOT make a big deal about it with your daughter, but make sure to tell her how proud of her you are that she told you about it even when the big boy told her not to, that she did a very good job of listening to the little voice inside her that told her something was wrong, and make sure you tell her once again that you always want her to come to you when something bothers her or happens that she isn't sure about. And about secrets, that it isn't okay for someone to do something and tell us not to tell anyone...Also, that we only kiss mommy and daddy (or brother, sister, grandparents, etc.) and not other people. I wouldn't talk about this in one big, long discussion but in bits and pieces over the next few days. Always trust your mommy heart and instincts. It's wonderful that she felt safe to come to you right away, even when this boy told her not to tell.

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Tell! You tell the teacher. It doesn't have to be a made into a big deal...but I believe it deserves a conversation w/ the care givers. I would want to find out the ages of the other kids, to find out how old a boy we are talkin' about here?

What they can really do, is keep an extra eye on things.

It does sound like it can be innocent enough, but I wouldn't want to ignore the fact that they were out of sight from others....and that he said for her to "not tell". This would make me a little uneasy as well.

I would make sure to let my child know that he/she did exactly the right thing...and if ANYBODY EVER tells her/him not to tell......that they should ALWAYS tell mommy or daddy! Good job Sis!

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Your mommy-meter is going off - so, NO you are not blowing this out of proportion. I would talk to the care givers and let them know what happened. Tell them that they need to just keep more of an eye of the surroundings. But one thing that I did want to say though is that make sure that you tell your daughter "Thank you for telling me this event though some boy told you not too" That, that was a really good thing for her to do. Obviously she trusts you to tell you things that happen and that will go a long long way. Good Job Mom.

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You are absolutely NOT blowing this out of proportion. Under no circumstances should a 4 year old be unsupervised enough that she can be kissed by an older boy.

That school needs to be informed IMMEDIATELY of what occurred and if they blow it off, then TRANSFER her. This may have all been very innocent, but what if it isn't next time? You would never forgive yourself.

I would explain very clearly to your daughter what is appropriate and what is not. Kissing mama and papa or your auntie Susan vs. kissing a stranger, an older boy. I would bring this up to her while she is doing something quietly like taking a bath. I wouldn't bring it up in a sit down serious talk...she probably won't react well to tht.

Find a book in the bookstore on approprite touching....there's got to be one.

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We had a similar situation with my daughter and I contacted the school immediately and they addressed the situation with the boys parents. i also discussed with my daughter what is appopriate and what isn't. At four they are old enough to be told that there should be no secrets and there is a defference between appropriate kissing etc. I tried to make sure they my dd knew that I was happy that she told me about it. You are not making too big of a deal out of this!

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First of all, who is this big boy? Are we talking a 5 year old or are we talking about an 8 year old? There's a big difference in the 2.

Either way, I would let the school know. You could do it in a nonchalant/laughing kind of way like, "so, I've heard that the new "hot spot" for the kids is under the ______ where grownups can't see them kissing."

I'd also consider mentionin it to the boy's parents. In a very non confrontational way. Maybe just a "my daughter seems to be little infatuated with your son since he kissed her."

There was a boy in my kindergarten class that I apparently used to kiss. I guess he was kissing all the girls and he always said "don't tell" b/c he'd been in trouble for it. The teacher let my parents know by writing it on my report card (that's the day I decided I had to learn cursive). Anyway that was pretty harmless.

You're NOT being paranoid. You're being a good mom. You never know and I think it is better you let them be aware of it so they can keep their eyes out for you.

Also, just start or continue to teach your daughter about private parts, strangers, and how/when to say no. It's hard to teach kids you can kiss this person, but not that person so try that but focus on the importance of CLOSED mouth kisses.

Unless you have reason to believe otherwise, try and remember that more than likely it is just some playground innocent fun.

You need to tell the school. This is your daughter and it is a big deal.

It might be innocent and it might not be, but the school/daycare needs to know. They probably don't realize that they aren't seeing everything inside the covered area of the playground. Try to be very matter-of-fact when you talk about it with your daughter (it seems like you were) and not excitable. Sometimes kids see forbidden things as tempting, and you don't want to make it worse while you're trying to nip it in the bud!
Good luck. No, you're not overreacting. If there's a time when the staff thinks they're supervising her, but they're actually not seeing her, it should be brought to their attention. Just make sure you're nice about it and not accusatory when you bring it up; you want them to work with you for the safety of all the children, not get defensive.

I agree 100% with the other Mama's....talk to the daycare providers so that they can be more alert about keeping an eye on all of the children, and so that they can share this with the boys parents so they can do a bit of gentle probing and find out if there is a reason that he is so interested in inappropriate actions towards others.
I think now would also be a good time for the beginning discussions with your daughter about good touches and bad touches. AND bravo to you for having such a fantastic relationship with your daughter that she would come to you with this information!!!

Well I think I would tell my daughter that she should never keep secrets from me and praise her a lot for telling you about the incident. My husband said you could even go and get her a favorite toy for telling you about it and make it a reward for telling you and just reiterate that you two have no secrets. You definitely need to tell the daycare, simply so they can monitor their play time and to watch this little boy more closely. It could have been innocent, but you know sadly, he could be being abused and just acting out things he is going through, you don't know these days. If that is so the daycare needs to keep an extra eye to help him if need be. Regardless he doesn't need to be alone with your daughter because she is too young to be kissing boys, obviously. I wouldn't worry over it, but I would nip it in the bud. Unfortunately kids are going through so much out there and your daughter doesn't need to get caught in the crossfire. I had some bad things go down with babysitters sons and in daycare, so I say let them know for sure. Best wishes sorry you are going through this!

You are not unreasonable in your expectations. If it is a licensed childcare provider, it is required that a child always be under visual supervision. When you visit the this place, observe whether the staff are socializing with each other vs. actively observing what's going on with the children. Just like a lifeguard at a pool, they should be attentive to what's happening with the children. Any disagreement with you on these points is a big red flag.

I would definitely talk to the daycare and tell them what happened. Let them know you would like them to watch these two very carefully and make sure they are never alone. Although this incident is fairly innocent, you don't want the two to become more comfortable and take it any further.

No you are not and I would have a talk with the daycare director. Someone is not watching the children very well.. I work at a day care and have seen and heard all kinds of things from the children. It really gives a picture of what their home life is like. At 4 she knows what is allowed and what is not. And, even a 4 yr old will fall to peer pressure. Let her know that if the boy asks or tries to kiss her again to go to a teacher. I am surprised that none of the other children saw and told. If we miss anything we will have a dozen children come tell us that someone did something.

You are a mom and if you don't like what happened you have every right to say something. Please don't worry about blowing things out of proportion. One thing I've learned is if I don't feel comfortable I speak up. Children are just too precious to take things lightly.

E. M

I don't think you are making a big deal out of anything. This is your daughter and once something "bad" happens, you can't take it back. One of the greatest gifts God gave us is our intuition. We need to learn to listen to it more. You need to make it a big deal to the school and let them know that they need to watch your daughter more carefully so she can't be inside a covered area with a boy. Let them know that you are going to be "on top of this" so they take it seriously. I am what I like to call a survivor of child molestation and I can promise you that even though your daughter is young if something happens, she won't forget it. I was only four when it happened to me and it is still with me at 40. I just choose to use what happened to me to help others now. PLEASE make a HUGE deal out of this and listen to your intuition.

First, it could be as innocent as you hope. BUT, I don't think you would be over-reacting to take a few precautions. I have talked to my children (4 1/2 and 3 years) about secrets. I have told them that mom's and dad's are always included in secrets and to never trust anyone who tells them not to tell one of their parents, that they will never get in trouble for telling us a secret.

I also think you should tell the teachers. If they are more aware they will watch specifically for this or anything else. Tell them you are concerned without being accusatory. We can never be too careful.

Also for your daughter, we have a "no kiss lips" rule in our house because of keeping them healthy. We can kiss mom, dad, etc... when healthy, but we say no to everyone else and mom and dad when sick so we don't spread "germies." Also, try to find out from her who the boy is. You say there is a mix of ages but not how big of a mix. If it is another 4 or 5 year old it is probably innocent and the boy may have said "don't tell" because he is just learning to be embarassed (my 4 year old gets embarassed and says "don't tell" to me if I start talking about his female friend Megan that he says he will marry one day). If, however, it is an older boy, 7, 8, or worse, even older, then you need to know. That is not as normal to be kissing a 4 year old.

Good luck and trust your mommy instincts.

LET THE DAY CARE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AND WITH WHO AND WHAT WAS SAID.This is important not only to you but to the other children and the daycare.

ok i am a different momma for sure. i was kissing boys at a young age and stopped when i was about forth grade. i realized that wasnt what good girls were suppose to do. i would talk to your daughter about making your first kisses special. realizing it is fun to kiss boys but what you expect from her. let her be the one to say no to the boys. also find out if it is against the dc rules. and she should ALWAYS tell you or dad espically when someone does something and says dont tell.