What to Do with Talking Back

Hi, J.
My kids went through a spell with saying "I hate you" not long ago. They are a 3 year old girl and a 5 year old boy. I think they saw it on a show or something. I tried to ignore it too but they were intent on getting a reaction from me. One day I said, "Alright, I have put up with your mean talk enough and today it is going to stop. If you say, "I hate you" again you will be punished just as if you hit someone. Words hurt as much as hitting and they are disrespectful and I will not put up with it anymore." I took away what was most important to them at that time whether it was a toy, getting dessert, the priveledge of watching a favorite show etc. I also tried to limit video games and other super hero shows as I found the violence was too much for them to process and it caused them to act more aggressive and mean. For my kids it stopped almost immediately. I hope this will help you.

yup i agree to the previous mom...he is old enough to learn this is not okay...he's looking for a reaction out of you...so keep as absolutely calm as possible...either he loses a privilege (t.v, toy, whatever)...you can try time-out/cool off whatever...or go for the soap...keep trying something until you find what works...but try your best not to yell or scold...just simply state that since he did not use nice words then this is the consequence...maybe then afterwards give him a little time to think about it...i always make mine sit quiet at the kitchen table since it seems that is where i always am...then we brainstorm ideas for alternatives...had one of our kids when he was little who simply would not stop using obscene language...that kid sat forever it seemed (while his brother and sister got to go swimming--bummer) then he finally came up with something new...by no means does he have to give up expressing himself because all feelings are relevant and important--even anger...he just has to learn how to do it appropriately...your in that manner giving him important tools for when he starts school and on through life

When my children started to talk back in a disrepectful way, I immediately sent them to time out (if at home) or I would drop what I was doing pack them up and go home (away from home).

When giving them time out, i would have them stew for a few minutes and have them come out to discuss why they were in time out. I would point out that they were disrepectful, that what they said hurt my feelings and what if I said something like that to them? If that didn't work - I'd have to pull out the mom bully tactic and tell them I will not tolerate the behavior and take punishment to a higher level (loss of privilege item)

I find that the ignoring tactic works best when they are doing something to themselves - like banging their head on the wall. They are only hurting themselves and when they are done, they go "ow"

good luck

I have 4 children and only 1 acted like that at 5-6 years old and what we found that worked was consistently addressing it. When she would say things like that we would stop what we were doing and she would have to stay in her room and think about the hurtful thing she said. It stopped after about 3 months. She became aware that her words hurt feelings and it passed. Good luck as it was the longest 3 months of my life! LOL!
D.
www.Debs.ceofamilies.com

A firend of mine just bought the book 1,2,3 Magic and claims it is really good for getting rid of behaviors you don't want your children to do, such as talking back. She told me that the key to it is having no emotion and don't get into discussions with them about the behavior they are to stop...I am not sure if that will help, but I am also looking forward to others responses. M.

My son is also 5 and we are having the SAME battle. We started putting soap in his mouth after taking things away and time out did not help. This seems to be working so far. He actually came to me crying and said "mommy I'm sorry for talking to you like that".
Good luck!

I had a similar problem a while back. Best response I found was to say nothing, go to the kitchen sink get the handsoap, walk over to him and put it in his mouth. It helps to squirt a little on your finger and put it in his mouth. He will fight you, but after a couple times, he will rethink what he is saying.

Good Luck!

Ps...I also carry hotel sized bar soaps in my car for the same son! After one use, all I have to do is shake it at him as I am driving down the road!

J.,

I would absolutely address it immediatelly and tell them that it is inappropriate and unacceptable behavior, that it is disrespective and rude behavior and then tell him/her that they will lose a privledge, it has to be something really important to them, t.v. videos any kind of gaming device, as well as get togethers with friends. You have to be tough and you have to stick by what you say. I wish every parent would watch a couple of Nanny 911 or Super Nanny. I'ts usually hardest on the parents. Parenting is a hard and serious job. I am a preschool teacher and it kills me to see how many parents let their young, even as young as 2yr start back talking to them and they never address it. It seems the past 20 or so years more and more children are being spoiled and I don't know about you but I have run into some of them all grown up and they are just as horrid adults. I urge parents everywhere to do your job, starting at 2 is when the teaching of wrong and wright and acceptable and not acceptable behavior begins. I applaud you for seeking help and wanting to do something now to correct the behavior, it's not easy but stick with it, just think of what they will be like as teenagers if they're not taught now.

S.