How to Curb the "Smart Mouth"

THe advice so far has been great but here is something else we do. My son is a bit older and his back talk is longer and argumentative. We tape him when he begins to misbehave or argue back. LATER, when he is calm we sit down together and play it back. It gives him a view of what he "looks/sounds like" He doesn't like it. We only had to do this once. Now we threaten the tape and he gains control.

Another thing we do it watch SuperNanny or a like show. As we go through the show we ask him "How are you like that child? How are you different than that child?" It helps him see what good traits he has that are respectful and how negative traits are looked on by the nanny.

Good luck

You have to stick with the time outs! You can't waiver because she carries on and on. That's the only way she'll learn. Right now she's learning how far she can push you until YOU break down. When she settles down for the 6 minutes then you get her from time out, have her apologize, and give her a hug telling her you love her. She'll learn quick if you have the stamina.

Here's a fantastic helpful site for parents and this link goes right to an article about back talk. I really like this approach. Good Luck

http://www.empoweringparents.com/How-to-Stop-Your-Kids-Ba...

I am a mother of three a son now 20 and two daughters 19-16. When my son was about 7-8 he looked me straight in the eyes during a agruement and said "I hate you" in front of his two sisters. At that very moment the world stopped and I looked him straight back in the eyes in a very calm and hurt way and told him "you took a little piece of my heart that can never be replaced" And I explained to them the power of the word hate, the three of them stood silent and I walked away with a tear in my eyes. I'll never forget that day it hurt me sooo much. Never again has anyone of my kids every said that to me, never. I would go shopping and when we would see other kids say that to there parents, I would say that poor Mothers heart I wonder if she has any left. And I could see the look in my kids eye's thanking god (their brother) only took a little piece and we still have so much left. The things I hear and see that parents allow there kids to do just amazes me. That lack of respect. What worked for my kids was disappointment or lack of approval not punishment or taking things away, I've learned that punishment is a period of time that they learn to wait out and taking things away they learn to replace them, but most important is that a Parent's love lasts forever. Kids look to please their parents and gain approval,love and respect. And the word hate should never be tolerated toward a parent or a loved one. Curb it now and be consistent.

You could try putting 10 M&M's in a cup. Every time she says something that is not sweet, take on away. At the end of the day she can eat shat's left. Or use dimes, etc.

Check out the book "Creative Correction".

Be sure to train her in what to say before you start this system. Tell her see is allowed to say "I feel so angry", or whatever you think is okay. But not calling names, etc.

Try reading "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Cohen, Smart Love by Martha Heineman Pieper and William Pieper and "Positive Discipline" by Jane Nielsen. There is plenty of clinical research showing the negative effects of Time outs and as you have found, they don't always work even in the short term. "Loving Regulation" is a different parental approach that is based on a lot of clinical psychology research and you will likely find it works much better on your child. It involves eliminating punishments and rewards and instead is interactive based on discussion and explanation. It is more work but has better long term results for parent and child and their relationship. Good Luck.

I see nothing wrong with the time outs or taking away things and priviledges. When she says those things, you could say calmly, "You don't talk to me that way. Go to your room. You can come out when you decide to speak to me properly." I also feel she should have to earn back her property by being respectful. You could say, "In our family, we treat each other with respect. That means we say please and thank you. It also means no name calling. When you act without respect, you will be spending time in your room and you will lose a toy or play date. No discussion."

The key is consistency. You are the parent and therefore need to be calmer and more patient. You can do it even if you have to take every last thing out of her room for her to earn it back. I've done it to my kids and they are more respectful.

I was so happy to see another mom going through the same thing we are. I am not sure that have much advice, but at least to let you know you are not the only one. My oldest son will be 5 in July. Recently he has been really disrespectful to us and other adults (grandparents and sittes),but according to school he is an angel. Anyways we have also tried some the things that you have done with little luck. Just yesterday we started this. I pulled out some of the EasterEggs and wrote on paper different 'punishment's such as no dessert, less books at bedtime, no tv after dinner, or needs to stay inside when brothers are playing outside. If his disrepectful then he needs to take an egg out and open it. We told him each egg is worth five cents so at the end of the day if all the eggs are in the bucket he can earn up to 25 cents. Hopefully this tactic will work. Somedays it seems like it will never end and can be really embarassing as a parent. Hard not to think that it is your fault.

Due to tantrums and other problems with my 4 yo daughter, I just read the book 1-2-3 Magic. I was already doing counting and time-outs, but the book pointed out some mistakes I was making, especially getting into long discussions and arguments with her. Now I don't argue back or try to reason with her, I just start counting and her behavior stops because she does not want a time out. I would recommend the book to every parent of kids age 3-10! I found it at the library, and they also sell it on Amazon.com. I know how frustrating that behavior can be, and that we all want our little girls to be sweet! Good luck.

When my son was going through that phase, I would say, "It's OK to feel angry, but you don't get to be rude to other people," and then he would get a time-out or other consequence like for any other bad behavior.

I'm assuming this is just normal child crankiness, but if she's really upset or acting out at school, there may be more going on. I'd check with her teacher and find out if her friends or others are also hearing outbursts. If it's just at home, and if she seems to be able to calm herself, my guess is that it's just the normal process of getting used to interacting in the world and school and so on. She knows she's safe with you, to express her temper and bad feelings.

A.,

Please let us know if any of the suggestions helped. I too am struggling with this issue with my daughter who just turned seven. She is horribly disrespectful to her father and I both at home and in public. Thank goodness she is an angel at school, but I'd like to see the same behavior at home. We have tried every reward chart, taking away priveledges, clearing out her room, and having her earn stuff back as one mom suggested, time-outs and nothing as worked long-term. She will improve for a couple weeks then slide right back in to the bad behavior. It's like being on a roller-coaster. So, if you have success with anything, please pass it along!!

HI A.
This is a tough one, My Daughter is almost 5 years old and has started with a not so nice mouth, If she says I hate you which she has 2 times I explain that she has hurt my feelings terribly, that usually does the trick for that because she does not like her feelings hurt. When she uses words like stupid or yells no (which is a new one) I explain the we do not use those words just like we are not allowed too in school, and that she may not yell at Mommy or tell me no! in that tone of voice, I will send her to her room untill she can talk calmly, that usually works because she does not want to be away from me. I also explain to her that I love her however I do not like her behavior and it is unacceptable. Try not to go back and forth with her, it's very matter of fact that behavior is unacceptable period. Don't argue with her it will just make her think she has a chance.
Good Luck it is a challenging time.
V.

When my 7 year old stepdaughter started with the smart mouth (we call it backflash) I would get madder if she started mouthing off or would jump in with the punishment. But like you said, that didn't help!

The first thing we did is check our own behavior. Was she hearing us fight? Was she hearing someone else fight? Were we ordering her around? By changing our tone to one of respect to each other and to her we changed the expectation of the home. It's not necessary to order her around, it doesn't hurt to use "please" and "thank you" when she does things...even if she's supposed to!

The second thing we did (at a time when she wasn't angry of course) is talk about what the words she was saying really meant. We defined "hate" and "shut up" and such.

We then gave her alternatives. We even playacted it out. If she was angry she could say "I'm really angry right now" instead of "I hate you!" Helping her find the right outlet, and find the right way to say what she was feeling helped. She didn't really hate us, she just didn't know how to express her anger. We used dolls at first, and we let HER be the mom doll! She got to see what the mom was trying to do, and how the child saying "I hate you" affected her. Then we let HER offer suggestions. It worked much better to let her think of what the child doll (me) should say to the mom doll (her.)

We acknowledge her feelings now as well. She may say "I don't want to clean my room!" So we acknowledge that "I can understand why you don't want to clean your room, you're having fun. However, it's time to eat. Clean your room, please."

Believe it or not, the backflash has disappeared! Once in a while she'll say something rude (like shut-up) and we'll actually ignore her. Kids use those words to create an effect, so we ignore it, and ignore her. Usually I'll walk out or turn to my husband and change the subject like "hey, do you want to watch TV?" It takes only a second or two to get an apology :) If by chance she didn't apologize, I'd wait for her to calm down, and then we'd have a little talk. No sense in feeding the fire to someone who is irrational!

Good luck!

I know this is a bit "old school", but my mom used to make us take a bite of soap when we had smart mouths. She of course would explain that our mouths had to be cleaned up. It worked like a charm. I think it only took one time, and we remembered that we didn't want to act this way any longer once she reminded us of these consequences.

Good luck.

Hi A.,

When my boys (now ages 22, 19, 16 & 10) would give me a snotty attitude or disrespectful tone I'd tell them I couldn't hear them when they spoke to me like that and to correct their attitude and say it again. If they wouldn't then I'd walk away. If they insisted on following me I'd tell them again I couldn't hear them and until they could speak better they could leave me alone. I would not address what they were asking or saying to me until they could say it in a nice tone of voice. I didn't have trouble with them calling names, but rather sarcastic answers, a snotty tone, or raised voice. This cured it pretty quick and even as they got older - like with my 16 year old now - it's effective and he knows I mean it if he starts talking to me disrespectfully. For my boys it was not being paid attention to that fixed the problem. But every child is individual and you have to find what works best for you. What I can say doesn't work is getting into a war of wills with a child. It makes them forget who the parent is and leads to larger issues later on.

Best of luck!
S.

You are being disrespectful by speaking like that and that is not allowed. If you do it again you will get soap in your mouth. then DO it. always worked for us. In fact, one time after my daughter realized she had done this she went and put soap in her mouth on her own! (liquid!) xo

I couldn't wait to read the responses to this, I have a 6 year old son with the same problem. I love the mom who taped the kid, that was a great idea!!! I find taking things away doesn't work and neither do time outs. Great post, hang in there!

You need to find out what matters to her. Once you do that then use it to discipline. Or use it to encourage her to be nice. If you want to keep it positive then maybe start a marble jar or sticker chart. Everytime she has a good day with no mean talk she can earn a marble or sticker. Then once you know what she is willing to work towards you could reward her for doing what is right, being nice. I don't think any one answer or method on this is going to work overnight. So just hang in there keep stating your expectations and teach her to use other words and methods to deal with how she is feeling.

Think about the last time you were really, really angry with someone you really, really love. I think for most of us, that is a difficult time. People tend to either blow up, or keep the anger inside, and neither approach is really the best. Children tend to blow up, because they don't know how to express anger in a reasonable way. So teach her.

When you see that she is angry, let her know that you understand that she is angry and then help her think of good ways to express herself. Sometimes just feeling understood can help a child to feel calmer and make it less likely that they will lash out. Punishments usually fuel anger and don't really teach a better approach. If she does call you stupid, just remind her that it's OK to be angry, but not OK to call you stupid. If she says she hates you, better to model for her something better, "I still love you, even when I'm feeling angry."

You also might want to think about what kinds of things are making her angry. If the issues are about things like health and safety, like she is upset about having to go to sleep at night, or she doesn't want to ride in the carseat, then there might not be alot of negotiation you can do, but maybe she is wanting more control over other aspects of her life? I thinks sometimes we forget that children have their own perspectives on what they do, wear, eat, etc., that deserve some respect from us.

Edited to add: I'm so glad that you seem to be finding some things that work better for you, especially the awareness that hunger may be contributing to her behavior.

I just wanted to add that if you did want to help her learn to express her feelings it would only work if you gave up on the punishments. At this point, she would need little steps because it is something new for her, and she would need lots of help and support....instead of asking how she feels, you might wonder if she is feeling mad when you see her looking mad. If she knows you are open to hearing her feelings, she will get more comfortable with it. However, it would be hard to express feelings if she has to fear punishment.

Morning A.,

My 13 year old daugher has a mouth as well. We are doing counsling. I also use soap in her mouth. She has to rub soap on her tounge for 15 seconds and she has to sit there for another 2 minutes and then she can rinse. When she starts, I ask her if she wants soap, then the tone changes. I only have to use this every few months or so.

I have starting treating her the way she treats me. I tell her to do something and she does no do what I have told her. So, when she comes to me and asks for something, I say sure and do nothing. She hates that! As I tell her.. you don't like it do you? She has a look on her face. But it seems to be working.
Good luck with that!
L.

I think she can be taught what she is really saying. Try to go over what she says "I hate you" isn't true, it's usually "I am angry" with you. AS are the others. Or I am hurt It's not going to stop right away but alert her by saying something like "use your words" or "words". It could help or not. It helped me in school situations. They know they feel something but can't articulate it to well.