5 Yr Old Daughter Says She Hates Me Everytime She Gets Time-out

Hi M.,

My daughter use to tell me that when she was five yrs. old. She's now 9 and I haven't heard that for several years. The first time I heard it, I was shocked. I expected it at 12 or 13 but not five. I think it could be a phase. I use to ask mine if she wanted a new mommy then. She never said yes to that and the "I hate you's" stopped by six.
Good luck to you,
J.

My daughter went through a phase like that, and I always responded with "Aww, I love you too!" and then walked away. Once she was no longer angry, we talked about words we dont use, Hate beign one of them. The next time she said it, I reminded her that we dont say that word and gave her an alternative (I dont like you very muvh right now) and she continued on to her time out/chore. We never hear her say that anymore.

This shall pass!

when my youngest son said this, I told him - that's okay, I have enough love for both of us. It has not occured since.

"I hate you" isn't an unusual response to punishment from a five year old. Don't let it get to you. Our five year old granddaughter uses that on me when I need to discipline her at our house. She also uses "you aren't the boss of me!" and "I'm never coming back to this place". I usually say something to the effect of "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I still love you".
Your daughter will get over this in time. You will likely face other similar challenges, and may even think back and wish this one had been the worst, but just hang in there and be her mommy and love her.

I used to tell mine "Good. That means I'm doing my job right." or "Doesn't matter, you're still in time out." or "I don't care if you hate me, you're going to follow my rules."

I knew they didn't really hate me and they were just mad about not getting their way. I didn't let it bother me.

And now that they are either teenagers or pre-teens, I'm now the coolest mom on the planet. Heck most of their friends call me mom too LOL.

It'll pass and don't let it worry you too much.

She is purposely pushing your buttons! The proper response to "I HATE YOU!" is "I'm sorry to hear that, dear.", completely matter-of-fact, and she can continue sitting and time out & throwing whatever fit she likes--as long as she does not leave time out! When I hate you no longer gets her anything, she will stop saying it. If she starts telling you she's going to run away, you can say what my grandma told my mom when she was about 5. "You can run away all you like, but remember you can't cross the street!"

My own kids aren't old enough to say "I hate you" or "You're mean", yet, but I've been a day care teacher & also worked with older kids at a public school & at a residential treatment place, so I've been on the receiving end of both more than a few times. My usual response to "You're mean" is "Yep, I'm the Grinch himself"

I used to get that too. In fact I discovered that she was completely surprised to discover that I still love her even when I'm angry. She can't hold both the emotions and love and hate simultaneously, I guess. She is 7 now and never says the hate word anymore. Try reading Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson. She will be giving a talk soon on the Peninsula. The book helped me a lot.

This is pretty standard and designed to provoke you.

I reply back with a simple, sweet and sincere, "That's okay. I still love YOU!"

In the beginning, I'll get more "I hate you"s and I keep responding the same way. They tell me to STOP SAYING THAT, but I don't.... I say it every time they tell me they hate me. As with everything, consistency is important. If they sometimes get a rise, they'll keep trying.

Good luck!
L.

She doesn't hate you, she hates being put on time-out. Keep doing it though as she needs your guidance and setting limits when she's mis-behaved. Ignore your feelings that you're sad about her anger and unkind words, but do speak with her to let her know it is very hurtful to you. But after she's over her anger! She's probably old enough to have some compassion for your feelings, even if she doesn't admit it she'll still learn from it. Speaking to her about her behavior and giving her choices to set things straight will help, too. But patience, I see my four year old testing me all the time, too, and it's not always easy because he's good for a while then goes back to his old habits. Our teaching will only come with time, but it will pay off if we don't give up!

It's just words. I know it's hard, but if you just don't react to it at all maybe that will help. My daughter tells me I'm the meanest mom in the whole world, I just say, "I know." She doesn't hate you, just don't let the word bother you and hopefully that will take the power out of it. Good luck, C.

Hello,

Just ignore it.. She doesn't really hate you.. My son is 7 and says it on occasion but I don't get upset, I do however tell him that those are strong words, to hate.. that loving is better.. but I don't lecture him on it, that would only makes him say it more. :) of course looking for a rise.
However, whether he says I hate you or something else that is out of line and mean, I talk to him about it. Again, he too is too young to clearly understand the depth of the word hate.. I think it's just part of them growing up .. they learn all kinds of words and (gestures I might add) from school.. for example he came home from school one day and used the middle finger, I said do you know what that means (thinking he did) and he said, yeah it means chaos ... so as you can see, they don't really know. although, in a way.. he was right about the middle finger meaning chaos.. hahahahah it does in some situations..

well good luck to you

I completely agree with previous posters. I was so shocked and hurt the first time my son said that he hated me. Luckily my friends who had already gone through this (I think that every kid tries the I hate you thing to express strong feelings because they don't have better words and because they are testing boundaries) had given me some excellent advice. I told my son that I heard that he was having big feelings and that I was glad he felt comfortable sharing them with me. I also told him that, no matter what, I loved him. Later that day or the next day (don't recall) when he did something naughty, I told him that I didn't like his behavior. I also told him that, while I did not like his behavior, I still loved him, and that you can dislike someone's behavior and still love that person. It would have been too much for a kid to digest all of that in one sitting. You want your child to feel safe sharing feelings with you down the road, so don't punish her for saying that she hates you. Kids crave attention, even negative attention. The calmer you stay and the more supportive and matter-of-fact your response, the less "reward" she will get from saying it. My son tried the I hate you thing with my husband a few weeks after doing it to me. My son has always worshipped his daddy, and so I think my husband was even more taken aback than I was when my son pulled that with me. I had my husband leave the room, hugged my son, and said to my him, "I know you are feeling upset, and it's okay to feel upset." I spent a good ten minutes validating my son's feelings (he had the right to feel upset, even if my husband was totally right in what he did -- invalidating a child's feelings gets you nowhere good) and letting him know that I could understand why he was frustrated (it's good to give your child more words to use to express these feelings by using them yourself). You actually save yourself time by really making sure your child feels validated and heard, even though it feels like it's taking forever in the moment. Once my son had calmed down a lot, not just a little, I told him again that I understood how he felt. At the same time (never use the word "but"), I knew that he loved his daddy. He admitted that he did. He was then able to go into the room where hid dad was and give him a hig and tell him he loved him. There have been other situations where I have reacted much more strongly to something my son has done that was not okay. He never repeated the "I hate you" stuff (it has been almost four years, though I fully expect to hear it again when he is a teen), but he did repeat things that had obviously pushed my buttons. It's so hard not to take these things personally, but it is very important to act as though you are not. It definitely took some practice for me! Also, please know that your daughter loves you!

She's just using her limited vocabulary to say she's mad and also looking for reaction. Staying as calm as possible, say 'I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like you're really angry at me right now. I love you very much.' That will help her learn to put what she's really feeling in to words and also take away any reward she may have been getting from upsetting you.

Ignore it. She doesn't hate you.

As the others said, this is normal; she is pushing your buttons, and you should mostly ignore it. I would reply, "I hear that you are very angry/upset right now. I will always love you."

Good luck, it will get better!

M.,

I think you should tell your daughter the next time she says this to you, that she needs to find another way to speak you you. That it is ok to be angry with you, but its not ok to say hurtful things and tell you that she hates you. Language like that in my house would have given her another timeout. Expression of feelings is so important- but kids need to learn how to channel it in the right way. Help her express herself with words like.. I feel angry when you put me on timeout or I am sad that you put me on time out. Hope this helps and remember this too shall pass...

Molly

hi there M.! I too am in the middle of this with my almost 5 year old son. We went thru a Parenting for Preschoolers class w/ Kaiser and now see one of the teachers every couple of weeks for coaching as my oldest is my spirited child! Our counselor told us with this you have 2 options....ignore it as they are trying to get a reaction from you OR validate their feelings,saying something like "I'm sorry you feel this way"...not sarcasticly. Funny because my husband and I choose to react differently and my son so knows how to work each one of us. GOOD LUCK! cross fingers the stage will go away soon!

Hi M.,

I, too, have heard the "I hate you" from my daughters for discipline. I usually either ignore it or say "That's OK. I love you anyway." My daughters are 9 and 6 and my son is 5. They all said it around your daughter's age and grew out of it. They grow out of it once they understand that it is not hate they feel but anger. Now they say "I don't like you right now. But, I still love you."

Remember that she does not really hate you, she is angry at you. We eventually made "hate" a bad word and taught them what to say instead.

D.

Sounds normal. I used to tell my parent's I hated them when I was little, of course I didn't and she doesn't. She is mad and that is how she is expressing it. My 3 year old son used to hide when he knew he was getting a time out, I started to take toys away and it works much better. He gets his toys back if he is a good boy. Instead of chasing after her and making it a competition for who has the stronger will, try a different disciplinary action. This phase will pass, it is a control issue and her wanting to upset you because she is upset. Good luck

Saying she hates you IS misbehaving. It needs to be treated like all bad behaviour so that she realizes it's just as wrong to act out verbally as it is to act-out at all. If time out is your punishment, use it for back talking and I hate you's too. If she "hates you" when giving time out, increase the time for each verbalization. You are forming her teenage years, and her adult years, and the things that will be acceptable coming out of her mouth. I hate you is NOT EVER acceptable. Not even to someone she actually thinks she hates.

The word hate and stupid are "bad words" in my house. I don't say hate or stupid so my kids don't. My daughter said damn once and she got a bar of soap in her mouth. She's never said it again. Sometimes the old fashioned punishments work. The sky didn't fall or and my kid didn't become aggressive and mean because of it. It was harmless and sent a message.

You have to stop this behavior immediately. You have to talk to her every time she says she hates you. Of course you will have to do this after the time out. Talk to her about how sad it makes you when she says it. Also, use the Nanny's technique of asking them to hug you after time out and say sorry and you tell her you love her. Also talk to her about Respect and tell her that you won't stand for her talking to you that way. Make a chart and everytime she disrespects you put a sad face on the chart and mix in things that she can get a happy face for on the chart as well. Tell her that when she earns a significant amount of happy faces she will receive an extra half hour at the park, or feeding the ducks or she can pick out a book etc.
Reinforce that this is serious and that you are her mommy who loves her no matter what but will not allow her to ever say that she "hates" you. This will work over time. You have to let her know that you get sad too, that you have feelings and remind her that if someone said that to her it would make her sad too. They don't think that we really feel anything at that age. Good Luck!

Hi M.,

I'm short on time, so if 20 other people have said this I'm sorry, but keep in mind that your 5 year old has no idea what 'hate' really means. She simply means that she doesn't like that you are making her do something she doesn't want to and the fact that she probably gets a strong reaction out of you when she uses the word 'hate' to describe what she's feeling just reinforces to her that it is actually the right word to express her emotion. She also probably loves the fact that it gets to you, becuase that is what she's trying to do.

My little boy is only 2, so I haven't been down this road with him yet, but I used to be a nanny and I would've managed this situation simply by putting her in time out, walking away and if she then tells you she hates you, simply stay calm, say 'I'm sorry you feel that way. I love you, but I don't like your behaviour right now.' and that is all I would do to address the use of the word. If she stops getting a reaction, I imagine she will try to come up with another strategy pretty quickly.

Good luck, D..x

Hi M.,

Lot's of suggestions! I'll give you my 2 cents for what it's worth.

1. I agree that she doesn't hate you. She hates time out and since you are putting her in time out that dislike is transferred to you.

2. Don't ignore it. That is awful. I remind myself that I should act how I'd want my husband to act if I'm having a moment. No harsh words and no aggressive tones or body language. I want my feelings to be validated even if they are wrong. So I'd say, "wow, you seem really mad. Hate is a very hurtful word." You can add "I love you" but I don't think it's necessary. Sometimes hearing things like that when you are really mad can feel condescending. It's the same reason I say they seem mad vs. they are mad. Who am I to say how they feel? I can only tell them what feeling their actions reflect.

3. When she has calmed down talk to her about it. You can even wait until bedtime. And when you talk to her about it be informative not accusatory. Tell her that words like hate really hurt and when she says she hates you it makes you very sad. Then teach her a new word like furious or livid. She old enough to learn those words and the power behind them. "mad" is such a day to day word and livid or furious really says this is a whole new kind of mad, this is a raging, boiling deep down mad and I call it furious! Maybe she's using the word hate because it's the "special" word she has to express her intense anger. Just a thought.

Good luck! :)

T.

Dear M.,

Love and Hate almost mean the same as hate is just as strong feeling as love. Your daughter loves you very much and by saying hate word, she is looking up to for guidance on how to respond to criticism. It is unrealistic to always expect unconditional positive regard from our kids (spouse, or parents for that matter), when we ourselves are unable to do so for them. I have read in many positive discipline books that, the best response is three magic words "I love You"(no matter what). Also important is to validate feelings by saying, I can see that putting in time out bothers you a lot. It bothers me too. What do you think we can do about this. Let us talk about this when you are ready. I am always here for you and love you.

My own 5yr old son has taught me how to respond to anger. When I get angry with him, he is the first one to say, I love you and hugs me when I should be the one doing this. At age 3, when he told me he loves me but does not like me, I did not take it personal but was glad that he was comfortable enough to share his feelings with me. And, my response to him was that it is okay to not like someone all the time. It is specially hard when we are angry because our brain does not get enough oxygen to have a clear thinking and that is why we drink water and there went all the anger and we got redirected into science....

Parenting is hard and we all have tough moments. Hang in there.
-Rachna