5 Year Old Cussing

Not sure you want my idea....I have threatened but not had to use it....we basically say, "if you have a dirty mouth, we will have to clean it up....with soap" our kids don't have to be told twice, they say a word we don't like, such as stupid or dumb and we say, "that is not a nice word and you know you are not to use it, if we hear you say it again, we will use soap to clean up your dirty mouth" and that is it. You could use some nicer tactics like a money jar that everytime she says something nasty you can take $ out of it, or start a chart and each day she does not say a bad word she gets a star and when she does say a bad word she gets a sad face....then at the end of the week she either gets a toy or gets one of hers taken away.

Good luck, be firm!

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E., I agree with the other poster to try washing her mouth out with soap, but warn her first that this is what will happen. Just a pea size - not much, but it tastes bad. If you don't want to do that, try a bit of tabasco.
It only took doing it one time to stop that behavior with my own five year old.

Sorry, but as a mother of 2 boys, I disagree 100% about having a double standard of what boys and girls can and can't do. Boys have no more business cussing than girls. When they get to be teens, you can't make them not do it since the kids at school are, but I charge my kids a dollar any time I hear them say one. It might help them think twice in a social situation outside of the home.

Good luck,
D.

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I used soap with my oldest son and all I have ever needed to do with my younger ones is tell them what their older brother got. I put a little Dawn on my finger and stuck it in his mouth.
I believe the children are getting away with too much nowadays. Watch the tv she watches. Shut up is common. They hear it in Daycare, at school, the mall, Walmart. Everywhere.
Some things you can "bargain" with and give the nice nice punishments, sometimes you have to swat a fanny or put soap in their mouths.

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children learn by association or experience. Somewhere she is hearing these words, daycare, school, somewhere. I almost feel stupid is worse than damn. Let her know the words are offensive and hurtful and nice ladies dont do that! Good luck and God Bless.

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You gotta "hit 'em where it hurts" -- which is different for different kids. My sister had great success with charging her son (who was about your daughter's age at the time) a quarter every time he said something ugly. Other kids might not be affected by the thought of losing money, but might straighten up if you take a much-loved toy for a day or a week, have an early bed-time, get an extra helping of their least-favorite vegetable, etc. Some of the "bigger" punishments may need to be broken down into many "demerits" per day -- for example, if she calls someone stupid or tells him to shut up or says a curse word, that may be one mark, and if she gets 3 marks in a day, she has to go to bed an hour early that night. Or, if she gets two marks every day for a week, she can't go to her friend's birthday party next week. Things like that. Figure out your child's "weak spot" and go with that.

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Sit her down and tell her that these words are not acceptable. Everytime she says an inappropiate word take something away like a toy, TV time, outside time. She will learn that there are consequences for every action. It will take time and patience.

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Probably the more attention she gets for her verbal 'errors', the more she'll be tempted to use them. It really isn't the end of the world, so don't act like it is. Just ignore her 'bad' speech as much as possible and/or say, "You know we don't talk like that in our family," and leave it at that.

If kids can't get 'caught' being good (and acknowledged for it), they'll do whatever it takes TO get attention! It's just human nature, even in the best of kids (and people in general).

Good luck and God bless!

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Hi E.,

I tried ignoring it and it only got worse. At first, I could act like I didn't know what they were talking about.... One night, when my older son was younger, he said "damn it". I looked at him and said, "what damage? Damage means broken and I don't see anythng that's broken." I acted as if he said the word incorrectly and it worked. When that didn't work anymore.....

My best friend took a wet finger, wiped it across a bar of soap and then across her son's tongue. He stopped at once. All she had to do is remind him about the soap.

My husband likes spciy food. One night the boys asked what hot sauce tasted like. He let them try a tiny touch on the end of their finger. Neither of them liked it.....at all. When the mouthing off started, I only had to ask them if they wanted hot sauce on their tongues or to simply set the bottle on the counter and it stopped. I never had to use it.

Good luck!!

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E., I didn't read all the other responses but I'll tell you what I did with my daughter...first, they repeat what they hear, so she is hearing these bad words either at school or at home...not to worry, I cuss sometimes too. But with my oldest dad really had foul language so I told her that boys could say those things but girls weren't allowed because it makes them sound ugly when they say it. I did use the soap a few times but it really scared me because of the things they put in them now...now my children are 13, 10 and 5 and when they talk back, scream at me or curse i make them brush their teeth with baking soda...just a small less than pea size on the toothbrush is all it takes. I figure it'll brighten their teeth, make their gums healthy and they can't stand the taste! My 13 yr old really doesn't like it so it works great for her. Her cussing was very bad when she was around kids at school that cussed. Now she runs with a better group and says they cuss sometimes but that she doesn't. I make a point of pointing out people's language and how bad it sounds, sometimes to the point of letting them hear me! I know I'm guilty and my kids correct me for it.That's the best that I can suggest and good luck!!! It happens to everyone!

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I have not personally done this (not for any specific reason), but my sister-in-law and her husband have 4 girls, their ages ranging from 5 to 15. They put some vinegar (probably apple cider vinegar, but I'm not sure) in a little spray bottle and when one of the girls says an "ugly word", speaks in an "ugly tone", or says mean things to or about another person, she gets one squirt/spray of vinegar on her tongue. On the other hand, when one of the girls says something nice (like complementing another person, not answering in an angry tone when called on, etc) she either gets a sugar cube or a little bit of honey on a spoon-they let the child choose her favorite. This works like a charm for them, even with the 15-year-old. My sister-in-law and her husband are very faithful and committed to their church and derive how they live their daily life and how they discipline their girls directly from the Bible. All 4 of my nieces are polite and respectful, and if they disagree they have learned how to resolve their issues in a loving and kind manner, no matter how angry they may be. It also keeps their house peaceful because there is not much arguing. The girls do not yell or scream at each other, and are rarely disrespectful to their parents, or to one another.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

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Look at all the attention she is getting!
It will be difficult - but try to ignore her. If she does it in front of others (a great way to get your attention) tell her that no one will talk to her when she uses whatever words that you disapprove of. Then try to reward her for going a long time (all afternoon) without saying a naughty word. Read a story or anything simple and not too big a deal.
This worked for 3 out of 4 of my children.
Hope this helps - JackieMarie

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How about "cleaning" her filthy mouth with soap? I got that once as a child, and I don't remember needing it again.

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You have some great suggestions and I would like to add one more simple one. First if your child is hearing any cuss words from anyone.. that needs to stop.. you can always say "There are little ears listening" this is rather effective as you aren't telling them to stop or telling the other person(s) what to do but reminding them that there is a child in hearing distance. Also talk to your child about "Potty words" they are kinda like dirty bad words or in our house we call them "ugly words" and who ever uses those words when they use them they look ugly as the ugly word comes out of their mouth. BUT reinforce that it is only when the 'ugly' word is being used otherwise the child is beautiful. Try to encourage a 'use' of words to express annoyance, frustration, anger.. this helps them find healthy ways of expressing what they are feeling.

As always do what is best for YOU and YOUR family.

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Kids repeat what they hear. If you want her to stop saying it, keep her away from it.

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I agree with Becky. And try Lava bar soap. IF that doesn't work, the best thing that I've found (from experience) is that you take something away (and I mean really away) from her everytime she does it and she has to earn it back. It may seem a little harsh but if your child is as hard headed as mine, they will finally get the picutre when they realize they have nothing but a bed and clothes in their room. I also do not allow the words stupid, shut up or hate in my house and have tried everything with my 5 year old and have learned that you have to "get 'em where it hurts" so to speak. Best of luck to you.

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Hi, I didn't read every last word of the advice already given but I didn't really see anyone say that you have to explain what the words mean. Just teling your kids that it's an ugly word doesn't do anything, at least not with my daughter. She didn't understand why it was a bad word. And you can't punish a child for doing something wrong if she doesn't know she did something wrong. S I would suggest sitting her down the next time and explaining what the word is, why it's not a nice word, and that little girls shouldn't use that word. And shielding her from the words isn't going to do anything except make her more curious about them. My husband cusses horribly, and I do too, not as bad though, and when my daughter started picking up on words we explained everything to her, told her only grown ups could use those words and if she said them there would be a punishment. And she has never said them. And for words like "stupid" and "dumb" I told her that those words hurt people's feelings and they don't make her a very nice girl.
I hope this all made sense and good luck to you!

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soap is really not meant to be eaten, I know it's the age-old problem solver, I even had some put in my mouth once, but it's really not good to put chemicals in kid's mouth like that. That being said, and some people think this is so mean, a pediatritian once recommended hot sauce for biting (which we've only had to do once to each of my older kids) yes, it hurts, and sounds mean, BUT it is a food and will not harm their body. I wouldn't use it for anything except biting, but I would use it much quicker than soap in a child's mouth. I really like the idea of vinegar spray (which is also safe to ingest) because it literally puts a yucky taste in their mouth like the yucky word; just like hot sauce hurts the way biting hurts. makes sense to me good luck

Unfortunately children pick things up and repeat them. When my children were small they stayed with my in-laws one weekend and came home calling each other "MFB". Needless to say I was extremely upset!! But I knew they were only repeating what they heard. After telling them that it was wrong and they continued to say those words, then I washed their mouth out with soap! They hated it and I have not had any problem since...all I have to do is threaten the soap and they stop whatever it is that they are saying

I do not recommend using soap. There are so many chemicals in soap your child could get very sick. I have used cider vinegar. My children do not like it - but at least I know that we will not have to visit the doctor afterward. Talk to your child after the initial punishment about why you punished her. Explain that you love her and want to know where she heard those words. Explain why you don't want her to say those words and how hurtful they are to her and to others in terms that she will understand. If she is hearing those words from you - you might have a jar that you have to put a nickel in every time you say something you don't want her to say and when the jar is full you could use the money to get ice cream. If it is another adult that she spends a lot of time with her talk to them and ask them to be more careful about what they are saying. Lisa Whelchel has at least one parenting book about creative discipline methods. Her books are very good and have many great ideas.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Don't react at all. Say nothing. It's an attention getting scheme that signals a bigger problem.

You need to take a close look at how you parent. It sounds like your daughter doesn't get enough of your loving attention and therefore she is forced to get your attention anyway she can. You need to focus on rewarding good behavior with your time and attention as well as with verbal and physical support and encouragement.

Tell her about how good she it, get on the floor and play with her, draw pictures together, talk about her friends and get more involved. She will live up to any expectations you have no matter how low they are. I recommend you aim a little higher. Stop focusing on the words and get behind her motivation.

E.,

Well, your daughter has heard that word and other cuss words from somewhere so I would nip that in the bud first and foremost. If she is hearing it on t.v. or from an adult then that needs to be resolved. With that said, it's a phase that most children go through. My son would hear my mother say "damn" all the time. We don't use that language in my home so I know that's where he got it from. He didn't know it was bad to say so he would say it. Then when I would warn him not to say it he knew he was getting some sort of negative attention from it so he continued here and there to let it slip. One day I had had enough. I had punished him by putting him in time out, taking away things, and spanking him but none of it worked. One day after hearing him say it, I sat him down put him in time out and explained to him that if I heard anymore bad words come out of his mouth he wouldn't like what would happen. The very same day he said it again. I grabbed a medicine dropper from kitchen and drew up some white apple cider vinegar and held him down and made him take the vinegar. He thought it was the most horrible thing I could've ever done to him. He spent 5 minutes after gagging and spitting. I used vinegar because while most people will say, "wash their mouth out with soap" I just think that is cruel and harmful but I think vinegar is a nice alternative that want hurt them. I still put him in time out and after his punishment was over he ran to the kitchen for a drink of water. He never cussed anymore after that and when I would hear him say something I didn't think was nice (like stupid, dummy, shut-up, etc.)I would remind him of the vinegar wash and tell him if I heard it again he would get another dose of it. He complied and we didn't have many problems with it after. It really worked for us. I've heard of people using soap and hot sauce but again, I think the soap is a little cruel. Good luck and hopefully you will find some advice worth using.

I have a 2-year old, so I haven't had to deal with this problem (yet), so I really can't give you any experience except something that another parent told me a long time ago...

They had the same problem that you're experiencing and after all attempts to thwart it, they resorted to reverse psychology. One night a week, they allowed their child to use the bad words for an hour or so. And in doing so, made a deal that they wouldn't say them any other times. It took the "glamour" out of using the words (and took away all the attention) so eventually, he quit using them all together.

I don't know if this will work for you, and I don't know if I will even use the advice if I ever experience this problem, but I thought I would throw it out there as an option... Good luck!

E., your daughter is feeling her way into a new stage of personal growth so, in some respects, she is testing her limits with you. Five year olds don't fully understand the foul language they may pick up but, like all other words they learn, they try them out. How your daughter relates to the new words (ANY new words) depends largely on how you do. If you react with alarm and totally freak over a chosen word, she will quickly learn she can get your attention whenever she feels the need simply by peppering the air with a few well chosen profanities! This will, in fact, set the stage for later potential combats and, if you send the wrong message now, you will have already lost the battles that will come later! Stay cool and calm and always remember your job is not that of punisher but instructor.

I have always thought such harsh reactions as "washing your mouth out with soap", vinegar spray, even 'popping them on the mouth' were mean-spirited and fail to address the real issue. Each of these methods seems to be sending the wrong message and teaching the wrong lessons. Even something as seemingly benign as vinegar spray is pretty harsh when you consider five year-olds are still, for the most part, very innocent and will, for the next ten or twelve years, be learning and absoring all of the important life lessons they will need as adults. They don't have all the answers yet. That is your job to help them find the answers. It seems pretty hard core to be punishing a child little more than a toddler for something they haven't learned yet. That's sort of like taking a third grader who is learning to multiply and divide and giving him a test on advanced calculus, then making him stay after school because he doesn't know what a cosine is!

Raising children is not so much about punishing undesirable behavior as it is about TEACHING and ENCOURAGING appropriate behavior. In the case of your daughter's "testy" language, try sitting down with her in a non-confrontational environment (maybe sitting on the floor in her bedroom together) and, first, ask her where she learned the words. Then ask her if she knows what they mean. If she does not, your preamble would be to ask her why she uses the words if she does not know their meaning, then explain to her what they mean.
If she does know their meanings (and have her explain them to you) proceed directly to the next step: Ask her why she would use such words. Tell her that these words are used by people who do not have sufficient vocabulary to find more appropriate words to express their feelings. Tell her that using such language suggests that she is not smart enough to use better words and makes other people think so, too. This, btw, applies to boys as well as girls, men as well as women. (I must confess I have been guilty of it myself but there is really no excuse, other than shock value, for anyone to use foul language.)

Talk to your daughter about how important it is to choose both your language and your friends carefully and talk to her about how the wrong choices can effect her whole life. Speak to her in language she can understand and exact from her a promise that she will try to choose her words more carefully in the future and to choose better words. (You also want to make sure she understand the importance of making a promise and how a promise is all about being an honorable person within herself). Then, when you hear her using inappropriate language, just remind her of her promise and talk to her again about why she chose to use the inappropriate word and perhaps help her find a better word choice. (When my kids were small, we used to make up words that more adequately expressed the internal feelings of the moment. It was fun to create silly words and an anger filled situation soon would disintegrate into giggles whenever they used their silly anger words.) Imagine, if you will, and angry youngster stomping his foot and shouting "Oh, shnicklefoop" especially in front of strangers! My grandson has traded in more scathing language such as "motherf***er" and "Gd Damn it" for less offensive counterparts of "mother father" and "God bless me". And it has the unexpected bonus side effect of diffusing a little bit of the anger as well.

One last note: be sure to keep your discussion on a level your daughter can understand but don't make her feel as though you are talking down to her. It's okay to improve her vocab in more subtle ways as you talk, like every now and then use a word she may not know and explain it to her so she will be able to use it properly. And be sure to watch your own language and remind your spouse to monitor his word choices as well. Make it a habit to spend some personal time with your daughter on a regular basis. I always found just before bedtime to be a wonderful time. Sitting together in the middle of her bedroom floor, or helping her pick up and put away her toys, is a great opportunity to talk about her day and any worries or problems that may be on her mind. It also helps to quiet her down to make the transition from day and play to sleep. And, if you encourage open conversation now, you may be able to avoid violent verbal encounters later - both because you are both in the habit of comfortable, trusting, open conversation, and (and this is the big part) because you will have learned how to deal more calmly with disagreements which will, in turn, help you to stay in control of the conversations. Even if she decides to escalate a disagreement, you will be able to DE-escalate because you have already learned how to stay calm and retain control.

Good luck and lots of love.