Loving the Nanny Too Much -- NEED ADVICE

Actually it is pretty common for kids to become very
attached to their caregivers. They spend a lot of time
together. It sounds like you are feeling guilty, which
you should not feel. It also sounds like you baby
her when you are together. Spoon feeding, etc. She
might be looking for a little independence.

She will get over the I want my nanny stage. In the
meantime, please do not let it get to you. She might
see you react to her words, and think hey this attention
is great and continues to do it. Kids like attention positiver or negative. Good luck.

I had a nanny growing up and I loved her very much, but trust me, no matter what I may have said as a little kid, I always knew who my Mom was. I am now 34 and a mom myself. I treasure my Mom and love her, and have a great relationship with her. When I was little, I loved that I had a nanny and didn't have to go to daycare, it was great. And I knew that my nanny loved me, and I appreciated that. I also knew that my Mom was even more special, whether I ever said so or not. Keep in mind, there may be issues that have nothing to do with the nanny--it may be hard for a two-year-old to see you go to work, or even to the laundry room! But that's the reality of life. I didn't really like that my Mom worked until I was older and visited her at work. And saw how much respect all her colleagues had for her. And I swelled up with pride, "that's MY Mom." She is the reason I never doubted that I'd go to college and would find work that's meaningful to me. Please try to be happy that your daughter has a great caregiver, and I am sure that you have the most special place in her heart, not just now, but for the rest of your lives. You will be real friends when she grows up, long after all the nannies and babysitters are gone. And she will realize and appreciate all that you do for her, and the wonderful example that you set for her. In the meantime, just enjoy your daughter! (and maybe get your husband to stand up for you and tell your daughter that her words hurt her Mommy, and surely that's not how we treat our wonderful dear Mommy. If he helps her set a loving example, she will be better at recognizing your feelings. She is too young to sense them herself, but if she knew, I am sure she'd want you to feel good and loved. And you are loved! :)

Dear A.,

I feel your pain. that sounds really really hard. I do not think, however, that your daughter means what she says on a true, deep level. she is too young to truly mean that. i think she is just saying a hurtful thing because seh feels mad at the time and she knows that it will hurt you. so what i am saying is that she's angry or mad and she is saying a hurtful thing, the same as if she were saying "i hate you," or "you are mean" or something like that. she probably said the nanny thing once or twice and saw that it got a big reaction from you so she now uses that as her "anger words." so if you can, just take them as that: a way to express anger. and when kids are in their 2's, they have a lot of anger and frustration. it's normal and a natural phase they have to go through. they are frustrated bc they can't always have things their way and they are just realizing how much there is to do in teh world. so the anger / tantrums / frustration / saying mean things is natural and normal. as i said, i think she is just using those particular words bc she sensed that it really got your goat.
i read this great book called "how to listen so kids will talk and talk so kids will listen." and the main point is that emotions are OK. Actions are not all OK. But emotions are. And we need to help our kids understasnd and express their emotions. So i would suggest that hte next time she says that that you say, "you sound angry at mommy." or "you sound frustrated. are you frustated or angry?" and then allow her to be frustrated or angry. say "it's Ok to be angry. i feel angry sometiems too. are you angry bc i won't let you eat candy? you want the candy, right? it's upsettign to not get it," etc. the point is that you let her have her emotions and you normalize them for her and it makes it less scary and bad for everyone. you dont' tell her, "oh don't feel xxx (bad, mad, upset, etc.)" You tell her, "it's OK to feel XXX (mad at mommy, wishing you could live with nanny, etc.) and that will diffuse the situation and she will probably end up on your lap hugging you at the end of it.

i know this is really long but i have a bit more to say. please dont' feel like you are doing anything wrong. you sound like a great mother and you are givign her lots of time and attention. don't beat yourself up. I think you shoudl just consider this as her saying a hurtful thing, but not a deep emotional plea to truly go away from you.

i hope this helps. good luck and please go easy on yourself!
J.

A.,

Please do not stress over this. There was a time when my kids would only go to me and want nothing to do with their dad. He would be heartbroken but like every phase it passed. I own a childcare center and I have had children reach out to me from their mommies arms and want to stay with me. Sometimes I can see the hurt look on their mommies faces and feel terrible. Just because your child spends a large portion of their time with someone else does not mean they do not love you. YOU ARE HER MOM!! and she will always know that. One thing that does concern me and I see it everyday is it sounds like you are guilt parenting and that is a no no. Children only know what they live and what your daughter is living is normal to her so please do not try to overcompensate not being home with her. Feeding her during the night is a bad habit and is not necessary. As long as the time you spend with your child is quality time she will be fine. She doesn't even realize what she is saying, however she probably sees the reaction she is getting and eventually will learn to manipulate that guilt. You are doing a great job as a mom so don't loose track of that. I was a stay at home mom and there were times my son would say I don't like you mommy. So it happens even if you are with them all day. One more point just because I was a stay at home mom does not mean that I spent every minute playing with my kids. I cooked, and cleaned, did laundry. So even though your time at home is not as much as you would like it to be as long as the time there is spent caring for and loving her she will know the difference.

The nanny is not allowed to discipline her!? There's your problem. The nanny is with her full time she needs to be disciplined and the nanny and you and your husband should all discuss the method of discipline and all use it with her. Consistency. Of course your daughter will prefer to be with someone that just lets her do and say anything with no consequence or discipline!

I would have to agree with the previous post and say that it sounds like you are really babying her!Maybe part of it is out of guilt that you aren't able to be with her as much as you wish you could? As far as your daughter telling you that she loves the nanny more - I would try not to take it too much to heart if you can...my boyfriend's son is with us half of the time and with his mom half of the time (he is 4) and has recently started playing the "i don't love you, i just love mommy card" with us when he doesn't get his way, or when he is feeling the need for more attention but not knowing how to tell us. This made my b.f. feel horrible (I'm sure you can relate!) until his son's mother told us that he does the exact same thing when he is with her, but instead he tells her that he only loves his daddy and wants to live with us! At any rate, I at that age (We have a 3 year old, 4 year old and 11 year old) I really think that she may not mean that. She is just figuring out how to use her language, what reactions she gets when she says certain things, and also has such a limited vocabulary that she may not know how to tell you what she really means. Do you end up giving her more attention because she tells you she feels this way? Is she getting something out of your reaction that she doesn't know how to get otherwise? With my boyfriends son, I have been trying to sit down with him when he says things like this and instead of showing him that we are at all upset, we try to give him other words to use, or to ask clarifying questions, like, "are you missing your mommy?" or "do you feel like you need a little extra attention right now?" Usually he goes with the attention option. Anyhow, it seems that for us, the more attention we give to him when he says things like, I don't love you, the more he says it. When we help him find other words, or just say, "oh, well I love you!" and walk away, he usually gets tired of the guilt trip and moves onto something else pretty quick>
Good Luck!
M.

That was such a heartbreaking question. I wish I had great advice. Just show your daughter how much you love her, no matter what. Day in and day out. Tell her all the time. touch her and rub her back and let her feel your motherly love pouring out of you all the time. She will always know who mommy is..... This is just a phase. I am sure of it. I know it doesn't feel any better to hear that, but it's true. Kids do this between moms and dads too. And the truth is... it never feels any better to know that... it only feels better when the kid is out of that phase.

PS-- I am a hardworking mom... I work tons of hours because I have to in order to do my job. Don't feel the need to defend that.

I wouldn't fire the nanny if she isn't doing anything wrong. Thankfully you have one that your daughter obviously feels attached to, loved by, and safe with. Nor would I do things out of guilt such as not disciplining or spoiling.

Unfortunately I think this is going to be a consequence of your job though. While it sounds like you are a VERY hands on mom when you can be (which I think is awesome!), it doesn't change that she spends the majority of her waking hours a week with the nanny. When I was a teen I used to watch a baby for a woman who worked a lot as well...I began when she was a baby though and much to her mom's horror, I was the person the baby first began calling "mommy". Her mom got upset rightfully so but immediately pulled her from my care...note, she didn't change her hours or her job though so all that happened was she traumatized her daughter until she attached to the next care giver.

I don't know what you do for a job and I know we sometimes don't have much of a choice so I am in no means telling you to quit your job or something. If you have to work, you have to work. If your job isn't the type where you can redesign it and either cut the hours back even more or work the same field but in a less demanding environment, then you can't do it. You asked about as she gets older though so I'm just trying to give you some real examples based on my experience. She may outgrow this as she gets older and realizes what she is saying. Now, by her not saying it, will it mean that she doesn't still feel it though? My nephew is 13...his mom and him do NOT get along and a large part of it is she works a lot of hours, gets home late most nights, and often has to travel throughout the year. He despises her job and feels like my SIL chooses it over his brother and him. Her job is her job though...she is a single mom though her ex and her do split everything and in order to keep the title she has, I don't see how she can cut back her hours or her responsibilities. Unfortunately she is now in the situation she is with her son though so what do you do? In the case of my SIL, she is a very smart woman who could choose a less demanding type of work if that is what she wanted to do but she enjoys making the money she does. Unfortunately she uses that money to try to bribe her sons which does nothing for their relationship yet he now knows he can use it on her and she will cave out of hope.

I hope you find a balance that works for both of you. They are only little for so long and before we know it, they are gone from the house either preferring to be out with their friends or moving out. I wish you the best and I am sorry you are in this situation.

BTW, you discipline your child for talking back...not something like this. She is 2. She is telling you how she feels and while she is only 2, you need to understand this is how she feels and address that which is making her feel that way! I am shocked at reading how people think you need to punish her. Yeah, that will make her want the nanny less. :-|

I stay at home with my children. My 4 1/2 year old daughter will do sort of the same thing with her father at times. She will say she does not like him, will want me to do things with her instead of him, etc. There's nothing that he's doing to provoke this response in her and there's nothing he needs to do to fix it (he's very involved). I'm just trying to tell you that they do things like this. My husband gets very hurt as well. I just try and tell her how her actions and words can hurt others.

all i can say is that the most important thing is that you do love your daughter so much and you show it all the time! she might not realize it now but she feels it i'm sure! to make you feel better, i know a stay at home mom whos daughter wanted nothing to do with her! she only wanted her daddy and would rather have strangers hold her. i swear i saw it for my own eyes! children do funny things. like if ones daughter says "i hate you" she probably doesnt mean it. just continue loving your daughter the way you do!

I, too, work full time and have a nanny that sees my children more than I do, so I totally get where you are coming from. Our first nanny that we hired when we had one child (we later had twins), had an incredibly special bond with my daughter. To this day, even though she doesn't work with us, she calls all the time and my daughter still asks about this particular nanny.

Your daughter probably says these things to you because she knows it gets a reaction from you. Maybe when she says it, you give her more hugs, or spend more "special" time with her. I know it can break your heart to hear those words, but I don't think at her age she really means it. She probably is expressing that she wishes she had more time with you. My kids (now 4, 4, and 6) always ask me "why do you have to go to work every day," but they are at an age where I can explain to them that I need to work to make money (so they can have toys!! The toy thing seems to make them understand!!)

I'm sorry you are going through this. No working mom (or any mom for that matter) should get that guilt....

She loves you dearly, and she is proving it by her absolute trust in you. She can see that it hurts you when she says these things, and is interested in that effect. But she knows deep in her heart that the love bond between the two of you is so strong that nothing can break it, not even hurtful words. That complete trust is the very definition of love.
Have you tried responding very off-handedly? Something like: "I am really happy you love Nanny so much. It's great to have so many people to love, isn't it? My heart has enough room for lots of people I love." or "How nice that you enjoy the time you spend with Nanny so much. I think she really likes spending time with you too." and leave it at that. I am willing to bet that she will stop if you can give her the message that you have no doubt of your relationship. She is two and is just testing out her power in different ways.

Take a deep breath. She's too young to actually mean what she is saying. She is also too young to be spiteful. She IS, however, old enough to know that saying these things gets an immediate and emotional reaction from you.

I believe that this is every working mother's greatest fear, at least it is mine. The quality of the time you are spending with your daughter, whether it is an hour a day or ten hours a day is what matters. When she says these things to you, I would respond with an "even-toned" version of "I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way. I love you with all of my heart and am happy that you live here with daddy and me." and then continue with whatever you were doing before. She's testing you and getting a response. It's not manipulative or spiteful, but it does get your immediate attention!

I'm more concerned by the sleeping and eating behaviors b/c at 2+ she should be independent in these areas. Does the nanny spoon feed her? Truthfully, this is more concerning than her words from a developmental standpoint. Don't let your mommy guilt get in the way of her becoming independent.

There will be many times in her life that she will give you the "I hate you" response. Your response should be the same now as it will be then... "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I love you and am glad that you are my child".

I have been a nanny for two years and took care of a one year old as well as pre and elementary kids. Of course a nanny is not a parent and does not discipline like a parent! A nanny spends a lot of time hanging out, doing fun stuff with the kids with no interruptions (calls, visits, major house work,...) during her work time which means the time is very exclusive. A nanny will discipline the child if she/he is not following the basic rules but a nanny simply has more time to wait e. g. when taking a stroll in the park and the child gets engaged in all those little bugs, rocks, ... on the side. It is the nanny's job to spend quality time with the kid and it sounds like your nanny is doing a great job. As for your feelings I can understand that it is hurtful but really this is what you hired a nanny for. I agree with another Mom who wrote that it is most likely a consequence of you working a lot and not being able to spend as much quality time with your daughter. Hopefully with you cutting back some hours and your daughter getting older she will grow out of it. All the best!

Of course she will love the Nanny, it is to be expected. The Nanny is there everyday. I think it would be aweful if she did not love the Nanny. The Nanny like you is nurturing your child. The Nanny is there all the time. It does not mean she does not love you. She is two. My neighbours child who I am with all the time because she works fulltime and I work from home often tell me she loves me and tell her mother that she love me more that her and then she reverses it. Especially when I do not allow her to have something she wants. Shes a child and she is only expressing herself. Do not take it so seriously. It is good to know that she can love. All children love their Nannies and want to live with them. Relax and do not make it into a bigger situation than is warranted as you will drive yourself crazy with jealousy and how can you be jealous of someone that is helping you. Yes helping you rear your child.

Being a mom isn't easy. Children test your resolve, patience and ability to love them inspite of what they do. Yes, it is emotionally painful to hear these words come from your daughter's mouth. Does she understand what she is saying? To the degree it gets a sad reaction out of you. You don't have to let her speak to you disrespectfully. Punish bad behavior and reward good behavior. At 2 my son used to hate to be sat on the floor with no toys to play with. This would be a type of punishment for bad behavior. He would have to appologize then we could have a better relationship. What isn't cute at two, won't get any better at 12 if not addressed now.

You also need to come up with some strategies for allowing the Nanny to discipline your daughter. I couldn't imagine spending time with any child that has how ever many hours the nanny spends with your daughter and not be disciplined. Especially since she is going through the terrible twos. Discipline is a very important part of successful parenting. It is just as important as praise. Discipline is a type of love.

It is disrespectful to tell the hand that loves you what she is telling you whether she understands or not.

Find out what measure of discipline works for her and work it. You have to have many disciplinary tools in your toolbox as a mom.

When my son was small he spent more waking hours all week with his sitter than with me. He would on a regular basis call her "mommy" when talking to me or call me Yollie. He would want to know why he had to come home to our house at night!! It did bother me a bit, but I knew how much he loved being in her home and she treated her "charges" like htey were members of the family. I would just have to constantly remind myself that his loving her and the other way around was much better than him being in another environment where he was just another child.
He outgrew it about 4 once he was going to pre K part of hte day and then was involved more with other things.
I would just reinforce to her that is OK to love her nanny, but that you are her family and families live together. Kids have no idea when they say they do not love you that they are in any way hurting you!! And yes, my son is 15 and although he toatally outgrew that, the teen years can be tough regardless. I remember telling everyone I knew at 17 that I HATED my mom :) Don't sweat that now, just continue being her mom (loving, fun and discipline) and let her grow in both of your love!
Best of luck!!

Your daughter might be feeling the love toward the nanny because she doesn't discipline her for any wrong doing. You are the one to give the discipline causing the unloving feeling. Try to start letting the nanny give her time outs for bad behavior and see if the loving changes. Children show love for the adults around them when they can get away with things.

She is testing you as all 2 1/2 year olds do. They say and do things to push your buttons and see what reaction they will get. The best thing to do is not react. Also, the reality of what she's saying is that she probably misses you and really wants YOU all the time. Show her love, lots of love and hugs when you are around. Maybe if she says it next time you can say, "Mommy would be sad and miss you if you went away. Mommy loves you." And give her a hug. She's 2. She doesn't really know what she's saying. If she actually thought you were okay with this, she might get sad or scared at the actual thought of it. The main thing is for you to realize this is not an insult to you. She really just wants more of YOU to be with her the way the nanny is. And it is great that she loves the nanny.

BTW, my kids love their babysitters too and my daughter has told me that they don't yell at her like I do and they do this or that. It's a LOT easier to be super sitter or super nanny, because you don't have to pay bills, do dishes and laundry, etc. You're doing a great job.

Good luck,
M.

Hugs, A.. I know that must hurt terribly, but remember that she is just a toddler, not even 2 1/2. She is just getting verbal skills, she doesn't truly understand the range and meaning of emotions, nor does she have any concept of time. She doesn't mean that she wishes you would go away forever because she has no concept of what "forever" is! She might think she'd like to go hoem and live with the nanny, and maybe that would be really fun for her for a few hours, and then when bedtime came, she'd probably be pretty sad. Firing the nanny who is clearly taking wonderful care of your child would be a huge mistake, this is about your daughter.
BTW, 2 year olds do not need to be fed bottles during the night. She is waking up because she knows she will get a bottle. At her age, kids don't need separate milk feedings, they don't need night time feedings and should not still be taking a bottle at all. Don't let your guilt feelings about her love for the nanny allow you to continue a bad habit.

I was a nanny for triplets from the time that they were born until they went to first grade. I spent at least 60 hours a week with them and loved them dearly as if they were my own children. They too loved me as if I was their mom. Of course they loved their mom too but there were times that they chose me over her and many nights when I would leave, they would cry for me. You choose to have a nanny for many reasons and a big part of that reason is you want your child to have one on one personal attention and someone who will really nurture and love your child. With that comes a response from your child too-those who love her will be loved back. I think that you need to feel joy that your daughter and your nanny have that special bond just as you have with your daughter. It is a different bond but it is healthy for her. I will tell you that to this day, even living a state apart, the children that I nannyed for still love me. They call me, they text me(they are old enough for cell phones now) and when I visit it is just like old times. Their mom and I are wonderful friends and always have been-she was grateful to know that she had someone who loved her kids during the day when she could not be there to love them. The triplets are 11 now and they love their mom and dad so much-they always have even having a nanny for 7 years. Your daughter will too so try to be happy and accept that she loves her nanny too.
I also wanted to mention that it seems like you are doing too much for your daughter. Try to foster some more independence in her. It is ok to do that and she will not hate you for it-at two, she should be feeding herself(whether she is a good eater or not-many twos are picky), she should not have a bottle at all and it really is best for her to sleep on her own. Just because you are away from her all day does not mean that you have to do all of these things for her when you are with her-being a mom means loving her and setting limits and fostering her independence. You also mentioned that the nanny is not allowed to discipline her-I understand if you mean physical discipline but she does need limits set and there are ways that the nanny can do that effectively without physical punishment-children need to know what is acceptable behavior and since nanny is with her all day, she should be allowed to help her with that.
All the best to you.

Dear A.,
I totally get you. One thing that I have found helps a lot is that I don't let my daughter see me leave for work, and especially when I go on a business trip. I ask the Nanny or my husband to entertain her while I put on my coat and leave for work or travel. When she sees me leave and we do a goodbye, she acts resentful and may do things that I had told her not to do. I think this is out of being mad at me for leaving. If she doesn't actually see me leave, she is much better and loving when I return. I think that the act of seeing you leave is much more "traumatic" than your actual absence. See if that is helpful.

"women must "choose" between their professions and their children."

As a professional myself, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I totally understand where you are coming from. I am a first time mother too, and full time working mom, and I feel a lot of guilt at times for making the choice to work. I, too, have had my son push me away so that he can cuddle with with nana, who, at times, due to my work schedule, has taken care of him for weeks at a time.

Trust me, your daughter loves you more than she can ever express, because you are her mother, and the bond that you and she made when you were still "one" (in your womb) and when you breastfeed with NEVER go away. Period. Your daughter, however, also has love to give to others, and that is why she is so affectionate with the nanny. It really does not mean that she loves you less, it simply means she loves nanny, and perhaps she loves her more THAT day because nanny prepared a special meal, or nanny let her wear her favorite dress, or play outside for a little longer....whatever. Children are finicky. Although I am not quite there yet, one piece of advice that I heard a while back...children, because they have no "internal filter," and are so pure at heart, are sometimes so honest and truthful, sometimes it can hurt your feelings. It's important to not internalize that, and to realize that she is child who does not really comprehend the full scope of what she is saying. She does not mean to hurt you. If she really understood that she was hurting you, she would stop.

Ultimately though, this letter sounds a little like a mixture of jealousy and possibly guilt over the choice of being a working mother (but I don't want to sound harsh or anything, I am jsut guessing and I clearly don't know you well enough, so I apologize if offense is being taken here). If the former is true, remember that you are your daughter's mother, and that is the most coveted position of all! You will influence your daughter's life in more ways than a nanny ever, ever will. It's that magical bond...it's really representative of a love that cannot be defined in words, and a love that is neverending. NO nanny can give that to a child. If the latter (guilt over working) is true - then, remember that you chose your profession because you respected your own talents enough to cultivate them into something meaningful, something that impact the lives of others. This is a wonderful example to show a little girl! If working did not feel right, you would not be doing it. However, it's satisfying and rewarding to you, and that is important. Who ever made up the rule that you ought to sacrifice your pursuit of happiness for the sake of your child??