What's with the "My Ex Is Still My Best Friend and a Great Person" Divorces?

I know a few, actually.
Not all relationships end with fighting or cheating. Sometimes people just realize that they are just friends in their relationship, and sometimes things are bad for awhile, and then they work themselves back to friendship.

In three cases I personally know of...the divorce was mutual for both parties. They like each other, but didn't love each other anymore. They all share children and feel that teamwork that goes into raising their kids. But they were adult enough to acknowledge that their lives would be happier separately, rather than together.

Personally, I don't understand it,but I suppose there might be some people out there more enlightened than myself. I know two families which cohabitate and coparent all together; the original couple, their child, plus their new spouses and children... blew my mind.

My ex? He was fun when he was fun and the rest of the time it was pretty UNfun. We divorced because he basically went from being my spouse to being a whiny teenager who only wanted to do what he wanted to do. As a general rule, I am not *besties* with teenage boys...

Interesting.
More interesting when you consider the opposite of loving a man is just indifference, not hate. You have to care about him to really hate him, so...that puts a new spin on it, right?
If you're "indifferent" yet concerned (genuinely) for the kids--I guess civility and friendship is very, very possible.

My daughter's dad is a truly nice guy. He's just allergic to gainful employment, which is why we split up.

My last husband was the love of my life, even on the day I kicked him out of my house. But his drinking problem got out of control, and I had a choice - leave or lose everything I had, including my mind. I chose to survive. And he even told a friend later that my leaving him had saved HIS life.
When he died, his brothers asked me to plan his memorial service and to deliver the eulogy.

This is so funny because I just did this today! My ex is the lowest form of scum on the earth and cheated like crazy, but he's a "nice guy" to everyone other than his wife (when that was me)...now I'm completely through the pain and we get along for the sake of the kids and also because I don't care anymore so I'm not mad. We're "friends" I guess you could say.

So for the sake of STRANGERS or acquaintances, I just say we get along great and are friends. They don't need the history and it makes for less awkward exchanges when we're spotted together out and about when he visits.

So today when showing our house to a realtor, one neighbor along for the ride who wanted to see house didn't know we were divorced so she kept asking about him. Not to wanting to look like a "complicated client" to the realtor, I just said, "Well luckily it's very amicable, we're great friends, we work together on finances and house stuff and he visits a lot..everything is going great." All true only I omitted all the bad things about him OF COURSE.

Then at a later point when I said he may move in near by, the neighbor said, "Or you guys may get back together since you get along together so great!!!" ???! I smiled and said, "We get along as FRIENDS" and left it at that.

So. Sometimes these women may hate the exes guts and are just saving face, and sometimes friendships have grown from the ashes. Everyone is different. But it's immature to tell strangers and acquaintances that you hate your ex and to air your dirty laundry imo if the kids and neighborhood will be dealing with all of you...maybe OK if there would be no backlash to anyone..but sometimes people over-share about the wrongs their exes did and I'm like "Mkay, too much information.." ..for me details are what very close friends are for.

My grandma gets along very well with her ex. They remained friends even through her second marriage. Her second husband passed away the year before last, and her ex has been great about making sure she still gets out of the house, and helping her out with chores that need to be done.

They got divorced because they did NOT work as a couple. He had the fidelity of an alley cat, and she gets a bit bitchy when her house isn't kept they way she likes it. They also had different sexual needs which surfaced a few years after they got married... (yeah... I know WAY too much about my grandma's sex life...) their marriage had become absolutely miserable, they were fighting all the time, and neither one wanted to be around the other. As a couple, they just plain out didn't work, and only brought out the worst In Each other. They spent years and thousands of dollars on counseling, trying to save their marriage before they called it quits. After the divorce, they had a cooling-down period for a year or so, then gradually rebuilt their friendship. Without he stress of managing their marriage, they are very close friends.

Ditto what Amy J said. For people who don't know me well, I am giving the scripted "We are divorcing, but we are working together to do right by our children." No one needs to know that my husband is a high-functioning raging alcoholic. If they get close enough to him, they can find out all on their own.

My eight year old daughter made me a sweet Mother's Day card. One of the reasons she listed as to why I am a good mom is that "Even though you and daddy are divorced, you still treat him the same." It means the world to her that I am not mean to her daddy and that she is free to express her love for both of her parents.

Strangers and acquaintances don't need to know the story of how it all went down. I am not embarrassed about the fact that I am divorcing. I could have held onto our marriage, but the price of giving up my self-respect was too steep. I'm just glad we are splitting before I waste any more of my precious life in an emotionally abusive marriage and wind up hating my husband.

You know what though? I DO think my husband is a great guy. He is a productive member of society and has many admirable qualities. But he is deeply flawed, and most likely suffers from an undiagnosed personality disorder, among other things. He was a lousy husband. This will never C. as long as we are married. Now that we are separated, he is behaving himself around me, and he is a much better father to the kids. I know that if I ever need him for anything, I can count on him for help.

So I guess the best answer I can give you is that people who give you that standard line don't want you in their business. No marriage ends just because people grow apart. There is usually a lot of pain and anguish in there, but that's really not information that I would want to unload onto someone that I barely know.

I divorced my ex because of chronic depression/bipolar II, anger issues, addictions, and repeated unemployment. I will always love him for his intelligence, wit, and ability to be a wonderful caring father. I can't live with him, but we have holidays and weekly family meals together. We are co-parents of 12, 29, and 32 year-olds and have 5 grandchildren. I didn't divorce him the first time I was "unhappy" as we were together for 20+ years and struggled with the issues most of that time. I just hit a time when I couldn't pull his weight any longer, and did not want to show my daughter that was the way a marriage worked.

His first ex-wife made our lives, and the lives of their 2 children (the 29 & 32 year-old) hell for years. We vowed NEVER to do that to each other. Though we've had our differences, we don't fight about money or time with our daughter, which are the most important things.

If I told people he was a total a-hole douchbag, what does that say about me, since I married him? Divorce does not have to be a death, but a new way of living.

I have friends that get along with their exes. By get along I mean they can spend more than an hour in their company without spending half of that pondering where to bury the body.

I am not in that group. My ex sucks the happiness out of a room and the less time I spend with him the better.

Just because two people are great people doesn't mean they are great TOGETHER. A good girlfriend got divorced from her husband when they were in their late twenties. They were the first couple I knew that had an amicable divorce, and it was an eye-opening experience for me. I had never seen anything but nasty, vindictive behavior from divorced couples, and it showed me that under the right circumstances it is possible for two people to end a marriage and act like normal adults, not behave as if they were starring in a soap opera.

It also opened my eyes to how rude and judgemental people can be. People at her job and her church constantly and accusingly asked her, "If you are still such good friends, why aren't you still married?" I give her insane credit for shouldering the criticism with her head held high. It is nobody's business why anyone gets divorced unless they want to share that information. I'm not saying OP is one of these people, but you wouldn't believe the grilling and badgering she went through with people wanting her to justify her divorce. Basically, they married too young and realized their family and career goals were not the same. It was a hard and sad decision to make, but they both realized getting divorced now was better than living in a stagnant marriage that was fulfilling to neither of them. Better to part on a friendly basis than hate each other fifteen years down the road.

To this day, I have people ask ME in a condescending way why my friend isn't married if she is friends with her ex. It's sad that people seem to prefer the nastiness and gossip of a Divorce Court-style TV show than appreciating two people who come to a painful decision that they are good people separately, but not good for each other.

Sometimes people may get along great but be incompatible in other ways. Sometimes they break up because of marital issue but find a new found friendship as co-parents. Sometimes people just get along better when they don't live together.

When I was getting divorced I was not hateful towards my husband. He was and is a great dad and a great guy. What happened in our marriage did not change either of those facts, it only changed our commitment to each other as husband and wife.

Ditto Julie S. My ex is a complete asshat douchenozzle who should be banished to a remote island to live with his kind and never allowed to breed or marry again.

Why someone would divorce a "great guy" and "best friend?" Because there was a moment where they weren't "happy" and it seems that folks forget that there might be some time in a MARRIAGE where everything isn't perfect and their spouse doesn't meet their needs. That's the "WORSE" part of "for better or for worse."

There's still a lot of judgement surrounding divorce; I think saying these types of things softens it somewhat.

It also protects the children involved.

As for me, I will always love my ex, despite his abusive nature. It's a shame, but it's true. I'd like us to be friends, however, I think he's been damaged to the point that it's not possible.

I do try to protect my kiddo from hearing negative things about his father.

My soon to be ex is a great guy but not the right man for me. I don't want to be his best friend. It will be great if we can eventually be friends but not what he's envisioning.

Just come back and read other responses...Michelle M, MandA M, and MNMomofTeens...I couldn't have said it better.

I know one couple this way. Their daughter goes to school with my son. I didn't even know they were divorced. They are just both really nice people. I asked him once what happened. He said they just grew apart. They both work for the police department---she's an investigator on days and he was a sgt. on nights. He said it was a recipe for disaster. They would still sit together at the Christmas program, etc. WONDERFUL TO SEE!!!! He remarried last year.

Denial . . . it ain't just a river in Egypt.

:P

Well, here's my take on it. They just couldn't cohabitate. Loved each other but living together didn't work. I think they must also be really laid back personality-wise, because high strung people don't just "let things go" like these kind of folks you're talking about.

So, I think that they just go back to being friends. There are people who date for a long time, break up and remain friends. This is kind of like that.

And, sometimes some of these people occasionally fall back into "friends with benefits" type thing.

I really think that they have a different personality type than you do (and a lot of people). That's why you don't understand them.

My ex and I are perfectly capable of exchanging pleasantries and being in the same vicinity for things for the kids. On those occasions, people would probably think we still get along great. And we can as long as it stays surface. Once you're divorced, the deep connection ends unless you're still in love with that person IMHO. I don't enjoy spending time with him and I'm very aware that people are watching to see if we're going to lash out and attack each other lol.

Publicly, I would say my ex is a great dad and has remained committed to the kids.

There have been a few rare instances we've had real conversations in the past few years, but its really rare and never related to "us" b/c there is no us. To me, you can talk to your bestfriend about relationships and that is never something you should talk to your ex about.

My ex is very responsible, respectful, good dad, a provider, fair.....will be in our lives forever.....but thankfully we don't have to live together!! I certainly wouldn't be his friend if we didn't have children but because we have children I find the good....for all of us and he seems to rise.

because some people just grow apart.
every story doesn't need a villain.
i know several couples who had 'good' divorces and are still reasonably good friends. just because someone's a great person doesn't make them the right mate for everybody.
khairete
S.

I think Christy Lee nailed it.

I (usually) secretly think to myself, "So why were you so selfish that you divorced rather than work out whatever the problems were? Or were you just lazy? " Because really, in those cases, it does often seem like it was a matter of "we grew apart" or "I wasn't happy" or something else that sounds like code for "It wasn't the fairy tale I believed in since childhood when the prince and princess rode off into the horizon and lived happily ever after without having to deal with in-laws or disciplining children, or someone not emptying the dishwasher."
Wake up people... we don't actually live our lives in fairy tales. Those are make believe.

I think some folks are exceptionally good at lying to themselves and those around them. In my own personal experience and based on those I know divorce is messy, painful and best left in the past when the paperwork is final. Post-divorce a life is built on the ashes which one hopes more successful and wiser than the previous attempt. Ultimately divorce is a death and who define death as a pleasant affair?

I married my ex when I was barely 20. I was about 12 mentally. Really, I came from an abusive childhood and didn't have parents that taught me anything. I had no decision making skills and couldn't tell you how to make a budget or why I shouldn't just call in to work if I wanted to stay home and watch TV all day.

I had our daughter and it was even harder. I worked in child care so I had some skills but it was more like "when they cry you feed them" than "I want to hold the baby and rock them and stare into their eyes and play with them and ohhhhhhh, she's so cute!". I had no parenting skills and my emotions were stunted.

The guy I married wasn't a bad guy. He was just not "my" guy.

We separated when our daughter was a toddler. I moved in with my mom and he stayed in our apartment. He went out with some friends and met a woman and was instantly attracted. He told her he was married and we were separated. I went to high school with her and was acquainted with her. They moved in together in a few short months.

About a year later hubby and I finally divorced. He married her a month after the 6 month waiting period. They are still together and she is the best thing that ever happened to my family. She gave him stability and helped him grow up into a responsible adult that treasures his daughter and he'll bend over backwards to help her.

They balance each other. They are a great couple and will be together for as many years as they have left. They were truly lucky to find each other and be together.

I stayed single for many years and eventually married my hubby in my 30's. We took in a couple of my 7 grand kids. The others are spread out, my ex has the oldest 2, I have the next 2, the next 2 were adopted by their foster family and we have contact with them and see them often, then our daughter has the youngest with her and is doing very well.

I took Love and Logic parenting classes, did PCIT with both kiddo's, have done therapy with both kids, with hubby, and for myself and thing we're doing okay, not perfect by any means but okay.

I have spent the night at my ex's house when I've gone to the town they live in. It was his wife's idea. My hubby was okay with it too. We're all adults and happy with the choices we made a long time ago.

I think our situation is different that any one else's. We get along and have fun together. That's just not normal is it???? LOL!

I am not going to look at the other answers about this until I write this. I feel exactly the same. My guess is some want to make it sound like things are good,(denial?) some really are and some don't know what else to say. Some don't want to be criticized about why they left. Because I have also bumped into the same guys who are divorced or women and then find out it is anything but best friend stuff. But by golly if they are best friends wonderful. I just don't understand it.Really you should be married to your best friend,not sending him out into the world to be with someone else.Just sayin...

I only know of one person who is on good terms with her ex - they are friendly, have lunch every so often, exchange Christmas cards, there were no children involved.
They've both moved on to marry other people.
Every other couple I know who've divorced does NOT get along with their ex.
Some suffered for years before splitting and they engaged in long drawn out spite wars.
My father in law's divorce was almost comical in a sad sort of way.
They BOTH moved out of their house and then took turns in coming back, changing locks, ransacking the place - even knocking down the chimney with a sledge hammer, removing fixtures, etc and so forth.
It was a 30 yr marriage that had had tons of baggage/history and they were bitter BITTER people with regards to each other.

I don't think all people are compatible.
They might be great in other ways or with other people but sometimes you get a couple who just bring out the worst in each other.
I had a few boyfriends who were fun, great dates, nice to be with, but most had a few things about them that would just be hell (for me) to live with day in and day out.
I turned down a few proposals, broke a few hearts but I eventually found the right guy for me.
We celebrate out 25th anniversary this Aug.

My ex is the biggest D bag ever! He is on this third marriage and has three kids all different moms including me... but in my defense I was the first wife. LOL
No way would I want to be good friends with him. To awkward for me!
We get along for our child sake and that is it! TBH I cringe every time I see my phone ringing and its him.... ick bleh! But he probably thinks the same thing of me so maybe the feeling is mutual. hehehehehe

I think that just like any other ex in life, they see these exes as important pieces of their development. Everybody doesn't believe that marriage HAS to be forever and some breach has been committed if not. Relationships are seasonal and part of our developmental processes. ALL relationships. Some can roll with the seasons while others simply weren't meant to. Some people marry without really knowing what a good and healthy marriage is supposed to look like. When they realize that a healthy self never would have hooked up with that other person, then they can understand that it's not the other person's FAULT. Hell, sometimes it just feels safe and comfortable to have people in your life who know you intimately, people you don't have to explain yourself to. It doesn't always mean that you should live together.

I don't get it and call b.s. I'm "civil" with my ex. I've had little problems with him. He isn't a great dad, pays his child support when he works...key word is WHEN...and he sees the kids every other weekend and that's really the extent of it. My husband's ex though has put us through the wringer the last 6 years. We call her The Kracken. Which is generous.

Lord, I always hated that statement too!

What's worse is when you are starting to date someone and they say that SH--. Who wants their new beau to be best friends with their ex? Not me!

As for the statement being " for the kids". That's BS. Usually, the kids are not even around to hear it.

I think they are not only lying to you; they are lying to themselves.

I think some people say this for the good of their kids, and some really want to believe it. Who knows, maybe sometimes it IS true - but I am with you in thinking "if you are truly best friends, then you could figure out a way make your marriage work." Maybe some people see marriage differently.

I dated a guy for almost 4 years in my late teens early 20's. He was 13 years older than me.
He was fantastic. Handsome. Generous. Caring. Patient. Kind. I loved him so much it hurt.
But he didn't want to get married or have kids and I did.
So we broke up.
We remained friends, and when I was in my car accident with my son he was great. He came to the hospital, brought me food, bought me special gifts while at the hospital. He was perfect and wonderful and I am so thankful for that.
But he still didn't want to get married or have kids.
Now, we weren't married, but I am assuming that it's kind of like that?
People love each other, want the best for each other, but maybe just see their futures without that person.
L.