What Should I Have Done in This Situation?

In child care the child that had the toy first would have gotten to keep the toy. Chances are though that this would not have happened in child care just like this. Kids of different ages like this are never together in their classrooms.

His toys are totally not age appropriate for him. Her toys should be large enough she can't get them into her mouth or any part of them that might break off can either.

His toys can be completely tiny. They have different toys and baby's are not allowed at all ever into the older kids classrooms. They older kids can move down IF it is the end of the day and they're putting all the kids that are left into one classroom but still, that baby would never move up, the older kids would move down.

So I would have taken the toy from the baby and given it back to him. Then I would have distracted the baby with a ton of other options that should be in that room.

Now if the older child had come over and taken a toy from the baby I'd have made the older child give it back.

My DD has had to have the "this child is smaller than you" explained to her...just as other kids got that talk when she was a toddler. Sometimes the response that works best is to take the toy if they can't play nicely. I also try to weigh the situation - should the older child always give in to the younger? Not necessarily. Sometimes the younger needs to learn to share, too.

When my son was younger, I ALWAYS took back any toy that he tried to take away from another kid. He may not have known better, but that doesn't mean that the other child should just "put up with it".

Next time, take the the toy away from your daughter and just tell her that "X was playing with that honey, you have to wait for your turn." ... Even though she will have no clue what you are trying to tell her, she will eventually understand that she can't take toys away from other kids.

He had the toy first. You should have distracted your daughter with another toy and let him continue to play with it for a few more minutes. Just because he's older doesn't mean he should have to give up something he's playing with.

The adults watched this happen so someone (preferably you or your hubby) should have said to your daughter "Honey, I know that toy looks really neat but Johnny had it first. You can't just take it from him" and gave it back to the boy. His parents could have said "Johnny, you should share that with Suzy so let her play with it a few minutes too". Which wouldn't have been the same as "give it to her" but encouraged turn taking.

If he "just let go" after both were pulling on it, your daughter could have gotten hurt. And I am not of the "oh give it to the baby" mentality. While it makes sense to let the baby have it sometimes, it's not fair to the older child to always have to give it up.

**I am just now reading other responses. Didn't mean to duplicate but I will add something else: I realize that talking to your daughter feels pointless because she is a baby, she really is a toddler now. She may not understand but if you are consistant with stopping the "just grab it cause I want it" she will get the idea even if she doesn't fully understand. Also, it reminds other kids within earshot of what behavior is acceptable so it would have also be a teachable momemt for the 4 year old this time.

Yes, you should have taken the toy from your daughter and given it back to the boy.

It was unfair on the little boy, and even though he was much older than your daughter, he's still a little boy and needs someone to advocate for him.

Perhaps his mother expressed herself incorrectly. It was your inaction which hurt the boy.

I agree that the mother was out of line - your daughter "hurt his feelings"? Is she serious?

But I do think that you should have made sure the toy went back to the boy, since he had it first.

And I don't know whose idea that "shake hands" nonsense was, but that is not a necessary or appropriate response here. Boy's mom should tell boy to not get upset at baby, baby's mom should make sure baby doesn't take toys from boy. And move on.

It's not the end of the world in what happened. But you do want to teach your daughter not to take toys. So do that next time. "We don't take toys when other people are playing with them" to your daughter. Re-direct her with another toy. It's never too early to teach them.

The boy over reacted, he needs to learn he will not always get his way.

Birdie:

Sorry. If HE was playing with it...YES!! I would have told my child that HE was playing with the toy. IF and when he was done playing with it - he MIGHT share it with her. This is why there are so many problems with older children - they get the short end of the stick....

they get "the baby doesn't understand" or "she doesn't know any better" - Well, WHY NOT TEACH HER BETTER?!?!?!?

Darned tooting he has EVERY RIGHT to have his feelings hurt. He had to give up a toy HE WAS PLAYING with because no one wanted to stand up for him and the toy HE was playing with....the baby got their way.

Why get him to hug her? Sorry - that's asking a lot for a 4 year old who just got messed over by a "baby". Just because he's been in day care doesn't mean he has been given the short end of the stick when it came to toys he was playing with. If they had both reached for it at the same time - okay - fine - can we play with it together? But he was PLAYING with it....

TEACH YOUR CHILD TO SHARE. Right now? She's been taught that she can grab at a toy another child has and she will get her way.

It's fairly normal for a child's feelings to get hurt and sometimes it just not make sense to us adults.

This reminds me of a funny story. When I had my 5th mt best friend and her son came over. The kids were probably about the same age gap.At one point we notice it's pretty quite (thankfully no permanent markers involved this time). We go looking and her son is hiding in a corner with some toys. When we asked what he was doing he said "Hiding cause the baby is always stealing my toys." That's what it felt like to him, doesn't matter that the baby was little and just learning, it felt like he was always having to hand stuff over. It made us more conscience of what we did when these things happened.

Beyond that, you guys did fine.

IMHO, you should have taken the toy from your daughter and given it back to the boy. You seem to think because your daughter doesn't know any better, it's okay. But this is exactly how you teach her - take the toy away and give it back to the other child and teach your daughter not to grab things from other people. It was a teaching moment that you let slip away.

As for the boy's mom, what is it you think she should have done? Her child had the toy first. She was probably waiting/hoping that you would step up to the plate. Too bad you didn't.

Two things come to mind.
1. Yeah, I would have given the toy back to the four yr old at the beginning of the disagreement. You are your daughter's caretaker and that means you teacher her and redirect her.
2. The mom should not have guilt tripped you afterward. Unless this is your standard of letting your little one have her way all the time and she was teaching you that other kids have feelings, also. When this child gets 4, then you will better understand this dynamic.

Sounds more like he was mad, not "hurt". Probably angry that his parents didn't step in and give him what he wanted.

I think you are overly worried, here. Do you spend a lot of time with this family? Perhaps he is accustomed to being the center of attention and usually getting his way at home? If so, then he would reasonably be angry that his mom didn't let him this time. That is the way of it... we teach kids to expect certain things (either that they are or aren't the center of the universe) and they learn to behave in a way that fits what they have been taught.

Echoing others here, I think. I would have probably explained to my daughter that it was the boy's turn. Mostly to start teaching her about sharing, but also because she is probably easier to distract!

However, the other mother saying your daughter hurt his feelings? Silly. She's being a mom, I get it. But a 13 month old can't intentionally hurt someone's feelings! So that part was unneccesary.

Next time, I would start showing your daughter how to take turns. She doesn't really 'get it' yet, but she will get the idea of sharing and just start getting used to the way things work.

A four year old is certainly old enough to understand that babies do not understand the concept of sharing. Because my boys have spent lots of time around babies and toddlers that I babysit I have taught them how to deal with this issue. I teach them that they need to let the baby have it, and that the baby will probably lose interest in it quickly, and when that happens they may have it back. We let baby have it because nobody wants to listen to a baby cry. Not them and not me. We do what it takes to keep baby happy. We don't worry about teaching a baby lessons that they are not yet able to comprehend. I have also taught them how to distract the baby with a different toy in order to get their toy back. If mom doesn't treat the four year old like a baby and teaches him coping skills he will not get his feelings so easily hurt.

well, i'm with you. kids do and should figure this stuff without constant interference from parents.
i'm surprised at how many parents want you to instruct your baby in manners. she's barely a year. she doesn't get sharing yet. i'm confident that you will start working on it with her when she can grasp it.
at most i'd have distracted her with something else. yes, the older boy should not have to give up the toy just because she's a baby. the only 'culprit' here is the mom who let her little boy wallow in victimhood. yes, his little hurt feelings should be calmly and sensibly acknowledged 'yes, edmund, i see it you didn't want to let the toy go. but she's only a baby and doesn't understand.' no need to bring it to you as if it were were a etiquette lapse, and there's no point in expecting a baby to understand shaking hands and making up.
that little fellow is going to have a tough row to hoe in school if his mom keeps babying him that much.
khairete
S.

No you should NOT have. The little boy was being a rude guest and your daughter was protecting her room toys... the most important and loved loveys she owns.

So of course she hurt his feelings. He's 4 years old and has a fragile ego. She's a year old and he had her toy, which she wanted back so she went and took it. Your daughter wasn't wrong. The boy did the right thing in giving it back.

His feeling sad doesn't mean your daughter was bad or naughty. It just means he was sad that he had to give up the toy. Oh well. Frankly, the other mom shouldn't have said your daughter hurt his feelings. His feelings were hurt because he had to give the toy back when he didn't want to do so. That's her issue, not yours or your daughter's.

The reason that "the first child to have the toy gets it first" doesn't work in this situation is because A.) the boy was leaving and B.) the toy belonged to your daughter and wasn't community property made clear by the fact that it was in her room.

In our house, if you don't want anyone playing with your prized possessions then you leave them in your room. The girls are aware that if you go to someone else's room you ask permission to touch that person's things first. But if something is in a common living area like a play room or living room then it's fair game to play with until it's time to leave and then you leave it behind.