I have a question about my 7-year-old son. Basically, I'd like to know if his negative outlook is typical of the age, as I have been told that it is, or if there's something more to it that needs attention. He has always been kind of a moody child, dramatic and sensitive, but overall happy. It seems that lately he's in this funk where, according to him, nothing is ever fair, people are always picking on him, he never gets anything he wants, etc. If one thing goes wrong then it ruins his whole day - he chooses to hold onto negative feelings for a very long time. He also told his class that we're taking a family trip to China for the weekend, and he may bring back kung-fu swords for everyone. While I find the story a bit amusing, I'm concerned about the lie.
He also is constantly comparing himself to others. He is very competitive. If he's not one of the best at something then he seems to get very upset and sometimes just quit because he feels that the situation is hopeless. For example, he was one of 4 selected to do higher level math in a "challenge math book" - this is something that they do at their own pace and are not forced to do it at all. He was so excited at first, but then realized that 2 other boys are working through the book more quickly than he is, so he stopped doing anything. Only recently, at my encouragement, has he begun working in the book again, but his effort is half-hearted because he'll "never catch up to the others".
I want to help him to be able to forgive and forget, let negative feelings go, stop comparing himself to others in such a critical way, and just have a happier more positive attitude in general. He does well in school, but all teachers have commented on his recent negativity and inability to move on from disappointment. Is this normal? What should I do about it? How can I help him to be the happy boy that he always was? Thank you in advance!
A big "thanks" to everyone for the great advice! My husband and I decided that we really need to commit to spending some 1-on-1 time with him. Not that we never do that, but we're just going to make a very deliberate effort to be sure it happens every day. So far I think that's helping, even in just the last few days, and Dad works a lot so time with him is really special and my son is thrilled. We had a conference with the teacher, and she's putting us in touch with the guidance counselor. She'll also give us some worksheets to do at home where my son is less concerned with what everyone else is doing and where he stands in relation to them. I'm excited to try these new things and can't wait to hear what the counselor will suggest. Thanks again!!
My daughter went through something similar so I contacted the school's guidance counselor first. She offered to meet my daughter for lunch once a week so she could chat openly about anything that was bothering her.
Yes, this is somewhat normal at this age. I would also gague how you and your spouse react to problems, challenges, disappointments.
I would avoid trying to pamper any ego in this situation and respond to his self criticism or negativity by saying 'oh really, what makes you feel that way and then ask him what he's going to do about it. Ask him how he thinks that will work out and let him try it. It will throw the ball in his court, provide a safe listening ear and he won't be able to turn this into an attention getting thing.
If he is naturally more sensitive then this phase may last a little longer than normal. I would focus on teaching him the tools he needs to deal with it and let natural or logical consequences follow. He is learning some big life lessons right now that will help him further down the road.
You may also want to look at diet and sleep as well. I have found this has a huge impact on my emotional boy. At 7 its not unusual to still be sleeping 11 hours. Less than 10 is too little sleep.
Hi K., I also had a son who exhibited the same thing you are describing, but - AND DON'T PANIC - one night he told me he wanted to jump out the window and die because "he would never be able to do things as good as all the other kids" ... that's the day I called for help. I am not saying that this will happen in your case, and I don't want to make you panic, honestly, I'm sorry if this is too fatalistic for some. Someone outdoing him in an activity would be enough to ruin the entire day, and thus, make ripples in the rest of the family's day. Call your pediatrician, try to get a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist, someone who would be considered a "good diagnostician" and let a professional tell you their perspective. There is a very wide range of what is normal, I have found, and looking back now, I would have sought help earlier, had I known what I was dealing with. My child happened to be suffering from depression, and was also diagnosed with ADHD. The course of treatment (medication and therapeutic) worked for our family. He continued to have challenges, but I didn't have to sit up all night watching him sleep to make sure he wouldn't try to hurt himself. They may tell you he is going through a phase, and you'll be gritting your teeth at the woman on mamasource who put an idea in your head, but reading your story sounds just like mine did. Good luck to you, and your son.
Remember Goofus and Gallant from Highlights magazine when you were a kid? I'm not sure if the they still have them, but you know how it would be like, "When Goofus loses, he throws down his ball and yells at people and mopes all day. When Gallant loses, he congratulates his friends and tries harder next time..." I swear they wrote those characters because this is SO NORMAL for boys. I like some advice here you've gotten about working through.
I would add a conversation like that after incidents sometimes like, "OK, this happened. You could do this: (list the wrong behavior he's doing) or you could do this: (list the right behavior he should do) What's it gonna be? To an extent you can offer a reward for the right choice as in genuine praise and a happy day, or a consequence for the wrong choice, because he's not allowed to be mean or snide to you which might happen if he's angry. But of course this wouldn't always apply and it wouldn't change his overall demeanor. However, you shouldn't be allowing a surly attitude, so discipline does apply at times.
Get a hold of some movies or books with characters that overcome challenges and act well even when things don't go their way. I agree with getting him to help others so he's busy and he sees how lucky he is and how helpful he's being.
The key here is his dad if he's there, lots of boys in my extended family hit this rough patch when their male hormones are starting to shake their kid confidence, but they're given lots of responsibilities and work (yes at age 7) and they spend lots of time on the construction site with their dads-the men do not allow any "pouty faces" and they model how to shake things off. They enforce rules as well as making jokes out of everything. His dad is his primary role model and he really needs to step up here when it comes to his son having a strong character and understanding the right way to act. He needs a sense of achievement, so find some activities that will provide that-school stuff can get so micromanaged and competitive with all the kids doing the same things. Give him some diversity in experience outside of school, so his confidence builds.
Wow, I feel like I am reading about my own son. We have worked through this though. So maybe I have some insight. I think the start of each school year is an adjustment period so we also had the reports of kids picking on him, this kid stole his lunch, etc. I know that he is dramatic so I had him handle each situation by discussing it with hiim and then having him take it into his own hands. He went to his teacher quietly before class to tell her about the kid taking his lunch. He didn't have a football at recess (nothing to do!) so I counseled him to go to the gym teacher and ask for some extra footballs at recess since the older kids were "hogging" them. I think this really empowered him when it worked! Another kid picked on him after school, so he took a different sidewalk route. No further issue.
As for the school work, we had the exact same problem. He is intelligent but does not like to be challenged. I made a deal with him that if he did one extra (advanced) sheet after school with me four days a week (gives some choice as to when he wants to do it) he would get an extra 50 cents in allowance. It worked because he wanted the extra money, and then I helped him see he really COULD do those worksheets! We phased it out eventually because he then was able to tackle them in the classroom.
As for the little things that bother him during his day, I try to relate one of my own experiences, add humor, and brush it off. This is for the little things that I realize he is dramatizing!
Best of luck, we worked through all of these things. Now he is in LOVE with a cutie pie in his class and he tells me every day how much he loves his life! Funny how things change!
As an elementary teacher, I can tell ou that every chidl is SOOO different! So I'm not sure that "normal" really means anything. What concerns me is his lack of trying when others do better work than he does. It seems to me he might be being told that he's smart so much that when he has to work at it, he thinks he's a failure. ( Why would I have to work at it if I'm smart?) There's a great book I'm reading that discribes this effect called "Nurture Shock". My advice is to praise his work ethic - "Wow, you really worked hard! That's great!" & not just tell him that he's smart or generally great. Be specific. When I priase my students this way, I get much better results!!
Hi, K.:
Thanks for having the courage to ask for help for your son.
1. Your son has low self-esteem. He is not valuing himself.
2. Get an appointment book from your an office supply that have 4 columns--5 if you have a husband.
3. Put the names at the top of column and fill in each persons routine.
4. In your son's column mark time that is just for you and him.
5. Give your son things to do that he can do successfully in a short period of time and praise him and have others know about what he did in his earshot.
6. Listen as he talks about his concerns. Be objective.
Ask questions from his point of view.
Ask these questions:
1. What did you think when you realized what had happened?
2. What impact has this incident had on you and others?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?
Something happened to your son that has given him a shock.
Listen, support, and ask what he needs.
Good luck. You can do it. D.
Your description, in part, sounds like my son. He is 5 1/2. He gets very dramatic about little things that go wrong. One thing I am dong is showing him how little things that go wrong in my day don't ruin my day. One way or another I make the situation known to him, I verbalize why it isn't so bad, how it can be worse, and how I can fix it or come to terms with it. Sometimes I will even ask him if he has any ideas about what I should do to deal with the situation. I haven't seen a total turn-around in his attitude yet, but I do see a little progress. Hope this helps.
Hi K.,
I'm not sure if I agree 100% with the PP.
My son will be 7 in March. He is an only child. He is a sensitive kid. And always has been. He tends to get über-maudlin and overly emotional when is is extremely tired.
As for the "trip to China" saga--I think I would chalk that up to kids being kids. You know, the "my dad is better than your dad" type of mindset. I hear all sorts of stories about the "amazing diving tags" and "unbelievable football catches" my son makes at recess and/or gym. Do I 100% believe them? No. But his perception is he's an awesome athlete. He is GOOD at those kinds of things, but I think he still exaggerates.
My son went through a period where a small action, unkind word, etc. would wreck his day. What helped him was explaining that yes, this crummy thing happened, but HE has the power to turn his day around! He now will actually say to me "Hey mom, I turned it around!" I tell him that no O. has the power to "make" him unhappy. Happiness comes from within. He's getting it. I can tell by his reactions to projects, game outcomes, mean kids, etc.
We've also (since he started first grade) done a lot of talking about compassion especially with regard to classmates who have specific special needs: autism support, speech therapy, self-help skill support services. I think this has gone a long way in making him compassionate to others and realizing how lucky he is. Yes, everyone has something, but he knows he could have much more on his plate.
What I would be concerned about is that his teachers all have noticed this with your son. Does your school have a counselor he can access? You can call the school counselor and request a "talk." It might help him to talk to an impartial third party. Just a suggestion. Good luck!
Hi, My 8-year-old son is similar. He's very bright, but he doesn't have much motivation to work on things that don't come easy to him, and he gets a bit combative when we suggest he do his homework or other activities he feels are of no real value to him. Very frustrating. I don't have any specific advice, but I appreciate your bringing the topic to the list, and I'll consider the advice from the other moms as well!
My son too went through something similar but not so extreme. I found out at the end of the school year (in May) that he had been bullied during the year but that neither he nor his teacher were aware what was going on (we found out during his birthday party when his friends were casually talking). Maybe talk to his teacher & make sure there aren't any other issues/influences that may be affecting his mood. The guidance counselor at the school may also be able to help. Good luck!
Only things I might add to all the previous advice is that your son may be gifted. Perfectionism, sensitivity, etc. sometimes goes along with this "label". We have a highly emotional, perfectionistic, sensitive, 7 year old and when we had him tested at school he was tested as gifted. It really helped me to go on the internet and read characteristics of gifted kids because suddenly I had an explanation for all his quirks and struggles. He hates it when things don't come easily for him and he loses his temper quickly, all the while demeaning himself. We are working hard at helping him manage his emotions and feel it's good that he does have to do some things that don't come easily so he learns that he can face challenges and make mistakes and that it's okay. the school guidance counselor is only a phone call away and could give you some good insights on how to help him but if he's in the public school system he can be tested for giftedness for free. good luck.
