My granddaughter is 6 yrs old, and her parents have been divorced since she was 18 months old. Her Mom (my daughter) has sole custody, and her Dad has visitation every other weekend. She normally looks forward to her visits with her Dad, and this past weekend was no different. She had wanted to call him for several nights in a row prior to the weekend, which she did, and everything seemed fine. She counted down the days and Friday morning, talked about the fact that her Dad would be picking her up that day and was excited. She had her bag packed and ready to go when he arrived. She was working on her homework so she wouldn't have to worry about it when she came home on Sunday evening when he got there. Even though her parents have been divorced for five years now, her Dad refuses to let go and has hassled her mother the entire time with comments, constant phone calls, text messages, emails, letters, gifts, etc. Her Mom's new boyfriend of six months has a shaved head, and when Dad arrived this week, so did he. He was wearing a ball cap, and it wasn't noticeable at first. They left, but within ten minutes were back. She came in crying, and he said that she began to cry for her mom and didn't want to go with him, so he brought her back. I was there, and her Mom and I both were just stunned. She has not acted this way for several years, and she had been looking forward to this all week. Her Mom had a weekend class on both Saturday and Sunday, and she explained that to her and told her that if she stayed, she would have to stay with me, and still she wouldn't budge. He finally left, and we thought that she would regret it later. Not only did she not regret it, but he called several times throughout the weekend and she refused to talk to him. And she won't tell either of us what's wrong. She gets upset when we try to talk to her about it, and she says that nothing is wrong, she just wants to be with her Mom. But when he calls, she looks as if she is about to cry, but still doesn't want anything to do with him. We just don't know what to do here. Have any of you ever experienced anything like this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated because we are truly at a loss. If he said or did something to hurt her feelings, he would never tell the truth about it. His only input was that he had showed her his head, and maybe that scared her, which makes no sense whatsoever.
I just want to clarify that she only recently met the boyfriend and has been with him on two occasions. The first was when he drove her and her mother to Toys r us to pick up her new bicycle, and the other when he brought dinner over one evening, and left soon after dinner. She hasn't spent enough time with him at this point for him to have been inappropriate.
It could very well be the shaved head. Doing that can dramatically change a person's appearance, and some people look awful with a shaved head. The next two weeks until her next visit with him, you and her mother should be explaining that he is still her daddy and that his hair will grow back, and wasn't that silly of him to shave it off, and how much he loves her. She needs her relationship with her father.
I definitely DO think it is the shaved head. It makes perfect sense. But, I also think other things are going on regarding her parents that need to be addressed.
Actually it does make perfect sense. Her identifying with her dad can include the way he looks. If he made a drastic change in his appearance, it can "rock her world" in a not so good way. What she knows about him has suddenly made a shift and she may feel more familiar with him if his hair was as it used to be. It may take a while, but if he will grow his hair back like it was, she might possibly feel more secure. When she is ready, she will tell you what is going on, but at 6 years old, it's not always easy to say what is bothering her. My youngest neice was only 1 month old when her parents split. She does not know what it means to live with her mom and dad at the same time. When something drastic like appearance would change on either parent's behalf, it through her for a loop as well. Hope this helps!
Unfortunately, we can not always control what our children are exposed to. Whether it's the shock of a sudden change in their parents appearance, something hurtful said, being physically hurt by a peer at school...the best thing we can do is help equip them to handle these things. It's important to find out what upset her so much and to talk about it. Not to get Daddy in trouble, but to help her handle it. She may be shocked by his appearance, or may have said something about her Mom or her new boyfriend, he may have grabbed her arm and scared her. I can not stress enough how this can help. You can't always be with your child to protect them, but you can teach them how to react and help them to better understand.
T.,
it doesn't make sense to us, but it very well could have been the shaved head. daddy isn't "daddy" anymore.
talk to your grandaughter and see if she will open up to you about what happened.
Good luck.
D.
Im also thinking its the shaved head. Does your granddaughter like the boyfriend pretty well? Im wondering if maybe she doesnt like the boyfriend all that much and seeing daddy trying to be like him upset her. Or maybe she really just wants daddy and the boyfriend to be 2 very different parts of her life. Maybe you and her mom need to make that clear to her Dad and let him know he needs to stop trying to be like the boyfriend. I hope you get this solved quickly
The sudden change in your granddaughter may be due to her dad shaving his head, but that may be just the trigger for some unaddressed emotional stuff she is going through. Even though her parents have been divorced most of her life, they can't coparent well because of her dad's behavior. As your granddaughter gets older, she is going to have a harder time dealing with the emotional turmoil. I highly recommend finding a therapist who specializes in working with families. He or she can work with your granddaughter to find out how she feels and then work with your daughter and her ex to help them coparent. Good luck.
I would see if the school counselor can talk to her. Something must of happened for this sudden change of heart. It could be more than by him shaving his head freaked her out. It sounds like he may be trying to copy Moms new boyfriend. God Bless, I will pray for this situation.
Your daughter needs to drop her 6 month boyfriend and focus on raising her daughter. When is she going to realize that everything she does and every choice she makes effects her daughter and not in a positive way? If your ex-son in law is known to be unstable like this, why is your daughter giving him motive to continue acting like this. She doesn't need to worry about her love life because the real love of her life is suffering in some way.
As for your ex-SIL, your daughter needs to go back to the courts and report that he has been harrassing her. She might also file a police report as well. And don't tell me she allows his harrasment so her daughter can keep seeing him either, that is a load. If she was so concerned about her daughter she would drop the boy-toy and make a life for them both. This isn't something that just happened over night either, it's been in constant progression.
Your grand daughter has now been put in a position by adults around her to feel that she has to protect her mother from her father. I can tell you what happened. He went off the deep end, scared her, cursed her mother and questioned her to the point she fears for her mother, not herself, but her mother! Little girls should NOT be worried about protecting their mothers, they should be little girls. Her mother has the power to stop those phone calls, she doesn't have to answer them. She doesn't have to read his texts or his email, but it causes excitement for her and she keeps it going, all at the expense of your grand daughter. If your daughter refuses to grow up, tell her to leave and to leave your granddaughter with you!
Obviously he has said or done something to really bother her. Thank goodness he has the goodness to bring her right back. Try some role play with dolls one of these days when the 2 of you are very relaxed. Your other option is seeing a counselor.
.
It could be just the shaved head - he had changed..
My daughter was five when her dad shaved his beard off while she and I took a walk. He thought he would surprise us - well, he sure did. She cried and cried - You are not my daddy. It was heart breaking. Of course, we all lived together and she did get use to it. But after that and with the next 2 children, he took them into the bathroom so they could watch him shave. No more problems..
Maybe if you assure her he has not changed, just his hair and see if she opens up about it. Hope you can find the problem for her sake.
If they were really only gone 10 minutes, not much COULD have happened, I'd think.
Tell her that this is an important issue not only for her but for everyone concerned. She simply MUST tell someone what her feelings are and why -- ESPECIALLY if he did something that he told her NOT to tell.
Ask her who she'd feel comfortable talking with about it and that no matter how 'bad' it is (whatever happened), her mother needs to KNOW what it is so that she can keep it from happening again.
It very well could be the shaved head. My husband shaved his beard when our youngest daughter was about 3, and she ran into the house telling us some story and as soon as she saw him, she stopped in her tracks -- and mid-sentence -- and just stared at him open-mouthed. It traumatized her somewhat. 6 months later when his beard grew back, she put her hands on his jaws and said, "Remember when you were 'bald' down here?"
Honestly it is hard to tell w/ out her talking. I would assume that if she is asked enough, when alone with her mom, when she is calm, when she knows she can trust her mom, maybe she will eventually talk to her mom. Maybe her mom can ask her directly if it is b/c her dad shaved his head. I would also recommend that the mom ask the dad "exactly" what happened the minute they left until the minute he brought her back. I would tell him that he will NOT see her until you get to the bottom of this. If he wants to call an attorney, tell him that you are fine with that b/c the little girl is upset and you would like to get to the bottom of this anyway. I think some sweet talking by her mommy will make her talk. With that being said, I was afraid of mustaches when I was young. I don't remember my exact age but I want to say it was around 4 or 5 yrs old. I absolutely hated facial hair and would not get near any man with it.
I also think your daughter needs to have a serious talk with her father regarding his obsession. He needs to understand that she is NEVER going to get back together with him. Does she lead him on at all? Maybe she needs to speak to him as little as possible and only about the daughter. She may have to not socialize with him at all unless it is regarding info on the daughter. He has issues if he is still holding a flame 4 1/2 years later. Who knows what he is telling their daughter to make her feel guilty about them splitting up. Kids always think it is their fault anyway. Who knows what he is telling the little girl about the mom's new boyfriend. I am not sure I would have a boyfriend around so much anyway after only 6 months. All of this is a lot for a little girl. I feel so badly for her, poor little girl will remember what is going on at this age and it will affect her later in life. Take good care of her, keep her from hearing or seeing anything personal problems her mother and father might have and anything at all that her mother and boyfriend might be doing unless they are getting married. Girls are so vulnerable when it comes to their fathers or father figures. They later seek out men that are like their fathers and sometimes that is not always a good idea. They are seeking attn. It is good that you are aware of the issue and are looking for help. Maybe the dad can start by taking her to dinner and bringing her back home until she feels better. Remember, have the mom ask her directly if it is that he shaved his head. Good luck
hi,
it seems to make total sense to me that she was somewhat horrified by his head, and didn't really recognize him either. i did the same thing after my dad shaved his mustache. also, he is being transparantly competitive. surely she picks up on this somewhere in her intuitive self. he should probably leave cap on til it grows back...
good luck!
R.
Hi T.
First off, I really like your're name :) That's not why I'm writing you back. Based on your post, I really think that Dad must have said something to her that upset her. Maybe when she calms she'll be willing to talk about it. It must have been soemthing (I don't know what word to put here) because if she's not talking about, I would think it was something bad or hurtful or something. I hope your granddaughter comes to feel comfortable talking about what may have happened. Good luck.
P.
I want to mention the possibility that your daughter's boyfriend may have been inappropriate with your granddaughter and now she is scared that her dad will do the same thing due to the shaved head. I think a counselor is a good idea to make sure this isn't true.
That's really strange. I would investigate the new boyfriend. Does she like being around him? Is she uncomfortable with him? Maybe dad's new look freaked her out because he reminded her of the new boyfriend. I'd make sure to do a background check.
Playing with dolls can help. Have her 'play' with them to show what goes on when she's alone with each man. Maybe she can give clues without 'tattling' on anyone. I sincerely hope there's nothing dangerous going on. It could be neglect or hurt feelings. Good luck!
Make sure you have taught her about good touch and bad touch.
I would bring in up again when you are bathing her and make sure Dad is not in the conversation. Just let her know she has to talk to you if some adult has been trying to trick her. Explain the puppy trick and she will get it. If he did something to her this will open all the doors for her to talk to you.
I think she may be upset that he no longer looks or acts like the Dad she knows and loves.
I would find out (in a round-about way) if that's what's been bothering her.
