VERY Sensitive or Just Plain RUDE!?!?

Updated on May 02, 2011
J.M. asks from Chicago, IL
50 answers

Ladies, I need some opinions! I’m not sure if it’s just me being overly sensitive or if what happened to me recently can be considered outright RUDE!? :(

I was out shopping w/my sister yesterday evening and I was in the middle of checking out when the cashier turned to me and said, “Do you know who you look like?” I knew immediately what she was going to say... She said, “You look like that lady who played in that movie Misery.”

Now, I don’t know if you’ve seen Misery, but those who have, know who the cashier was talking about. It was Kathy Bates, who was not very attractive in the role she played; as a matter of fact, she was down-right ugly and crazy looking.

Needless to say, I didn’t take it as a compliment; I was pretty upset, because personally, I don’t think I look like her at ALL!!! Nor, do any of my friends and/or family. However, I have gotten that comment before and it’s always been when I’ve been overweight (which I have been these last 4yrs. since the birth of my daughter) and when I go w/o make-up. Plus, this has only been said to me by black women. I am not prejudicial and I am not starting a race thing here; however, black women really are the only ones who have said this to me.

Now, I am not saying other people (other nationalities) may not be thinking it; however, no one actually comes outright and says something like that to me (a complete stranger) as if it were a compliment! That’s what I am offended by and personally think is rude. I mean, we all know the negative aspect that Kathy Bates played in that movie, how could a complete stranger compare me to her w/o considering how that would affect my feelings? As a society, are we THAT insensitive?

My sister just laughed it off and said, “Don’t get upset, I don’t think you look like Kathy Bates and the cashier probably didn’t mean it.” However, at the time, my sister thought it was hilarious. (sigh) :( I told my sister, “I’m sure you wouldn’t be feeling so generously good-natured if she talked about YOUR teeth or YOUR weight!” Which I know my sister wouldn’t have liked that, because it’s an issue that she feels self-conscious about... as I do about my weight and obvious connection to Kathy Bates.

I have tried to take this in stride and laugh it off, but I’m so very hurt. Even if people do think I look like Kathy Bates in Misery, is it necessary to be so hurtful by saying so? I mean, if there’s nothing positive to take from a comment, why say it, especially to someone you don’t even know? My fiancé says he doesn’t see the resemblance and I should just let it go. He says I take everything to heart (which I do, I admit that!) but only because it feels soooo very personal. :(

So, do you think I’m being overly sensitive or was the cashier’s comment rude and uncalled for???? Thanks :)

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So What Happened?

UPDATED 4/25/11:
To all the WONDERFUL Mamapedia ladies who commented... all I can say is, “Wow! Thank you very much!!! I really enjoyed reading many of the comments and I sooo appreciated much of the advice as well.” YOU ALL are truly the BEST!

However, I just wanted to clarify a couple things, if I may? :)

Many of you have stated that you didn’t think it was the cashiers “intention” to insult or be rude to me in any way. I never implied that she did; however, people DO, do things sometimes that they don’t “intend” to do. All I said was that she looked at me and said, “Do you know who you look like? You look like ‘that lady’ who played in that movie Misery.” She had no idea who Kathy Bates was, nor what other movies she played in. (You could tell this from her facial expression... she didn’t even know who Kathy Bates really was --- she said, “that lady”.) She wasn’t comparing me to Kathy Bates herself (in other movies or other pictures) she was comparing me to the image in the movie Misery.
THAT is what I found insulting, not that I thought the woman was trying to be intentionally rude or mean-spirited to me... I didn’t think that at all! :) My personal opinion was --- If I had seen a woman who looked like the woman in Misery, I would have kept my mouth shut; I wouldn’t have said a word, because everyone knows what a run-down, crazy-looking lady she “looked” like in that particular movie. I wouldn’t want anyone to think I thought they looked like that, whether they truly did or not. (Because, I know from ‘personal’ experience, people have good days and bad days...) Therefore, I didn’t think the cashier was very tactful by making such a comment (in public) when everyone knows the role Kathy Bates played in that movie was not very attractive and/or positive.
Another thing some of you mentioned was that Kathy Bates would be offended by my comments or that I was implying that Kathy was an ugly, fat, uninspiring woman, which is completely untrue! I have NOTHING against Kathy Bates. I too, think she is a very attractive, smart, profound, funny and powerful woman. (On a side note, I thank those ladies who left links to Kathy’s bio pics, because some of them were absolutely phenomenal!) Ms. Bates has many wonderful attributes that I would be happy to call my own. I never once suggested that Kathy Bates (in general) was an ugly, crazy woman. I only talked about the role / image she portrayed in Misery, which is what the woman compared me to... NOT the “actress” Kathy Bates, because as I said earlier, the cashier didn’t even know who she was.
In closing, the reason I posted my question was because I wanted to see how many people agreed w/me and thought it was an unacceptable, (maybe unintentional) but still unacceptable comment.
Or, was my sister correct in saying, “Just brush it off and let it go?” I had wondered what other women would have said and what they would have done in my position?
So again, I THANK YOU all for the many thoughtful and insightful comments. Everyone took a negative and turned it into a positive and I couldn’t ask for more. God Bless, take care and have a great week! :)

Amanda G --- Thank you! I believe it may be the eyes that resemble Kathy’s in the movie. She looked very tired and run down, which I definitely am, due to a thyroid disease (Hashimoto’s) and IBS. I have tried numerous avenues of losing weight, which worked in the past, but doesn’t seem to be working now. In any case, it wasn’t so much the knowing that I may resemble her that bothered me; it’s just the fact that a complete stranger compared me to a negative image in a movie. :(

Jen C --- You are so very sweet! You made me laugh about putting the cashier on the spot, because I so wanted to do just that, but my sister would have KILLED me. As it is, she thinks I’m way too defensive and argumentative. Plus, I didn’t want to cause a scene, but thank you so much!!! (({hugs}))

Adansmama --- Thank you as well sweet lady! You have said exactly the things I felt like saying and doing. As for only black women speaking out, it is the truth. I have never had one white person (or any other nationality) say something like that to me out of the blue... which makes me wonder, “What’s up w/that!?!?” Thank you though; I really do appreciate your comments.

J. S --- Thank you! I know most people probably would have brushed it off, but as you’ve noted, I do have some vulnerabilities and frankly I’m ashamed of how I look... Every time I gain weight and look like this, it’s hard not to be depressed and sad; which makes it hard to look good! However, I am working on it w/a metabolic doctor. Hopefully, I’ll be back on the road to good health and looks very soon and then I’ll definitely be looking for someone to insult my sister to see how she feels; see how easily it rolls off her back! j/k :P

Laurie A --- I guess because the cashier associated me w/the character from Misery, she was implying I looked like that, not how Kathy Bates looks now or in other roles. Like I mentioned to Amanda G above, I do think it’s my eyes and overall tired and washed-out look. I’ve been going through a lot lately and can’t seem to fix things, but I am trying and I guess I just thought the comment was a little rude and insensitive. But, thanks for the uplifting comments about being compared to the lovely Ms. Kathy Bates :)

Teresa S --- You are too sweet; Bless you!!!

AV --- That is EXACTLY how I felt! I am glad you see that :)

Kirin L --- Thanks for the positivity! I can definitely use ALL that I can get :)

Rachel D --- LOL.... OMG! That totally lightened my day – Thank you!!! :)

B --- THANK YOU! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!!

Kansas Mom --- Thank you, but it is kind of hard when someone equates you to a negative image, even if they don’t know what Kathy Bates looks like in other movies or roles... to them, I look like this crazy lady from Misery. That’s what was so upsetting! I’m not saying people can’t have their own opinions or thoughts on what I look like, I guess I’m just wondering why some people can’t sensor themselves before speaking out. The first thing that pops into most people’s heads when someone mentions that movie and Kathy Bates, is a ‘negative / unflattering’ image and I guess I just don’t want to be associated w/that image (out loud, that is!) in front of complete strangers.

Abby D --- That is so weird how people do that. I mean, Melissa Joan Hart is very pretty; no where near the Kathy Bates look in Misery. You know, years ago when I had been overweight as well (years before my daughter) I worked retail and this woman (again, black) came in and yelled out, “OMG! I’m in the presence of the great actress – Kathy Bates.. You look just like her in that movie Misery!” Needless to say, I was offended and I wasn’t too happy about it, but I moved on. Well, she came in again weeks later and kept calling me “Kathy”. I told her how that made me feel and that I didn’t take her comments as a compliment, could she please stop. She just ignored me and continued to come in and yell out comments and comparisons to Kathy Bates. She was completely rude and inconsiderate!! Thank you though for the comment, I really appreciate any and all comments :)

T.F. --- I wonder if our positions were reversed, if you’d feel the same way? My sister said the same thing, but if the lady said my sister looked like Kathy Bates in Misery or if she said something about my sister’s teeth, she would have been totally offended and p---ed off.

Grandma T --- I am going to post that saying on my FB page. Thank you for the words of encouragement. :) I readily admit that when I’m not at my best (which has been the last 4 yrs.) I don’t feel very good about myself and my esteem IS pretty low. I guess, I just wanted to see if others felt the same though in regard to what is acceptable to say to others, especially when you don’t know them... you never know how your words will affect another person, so why not think carefully and/or speak wisely when talking to others, right!? My mom always did accuse me of being ‘overly sensitive’ and so does my fiancé; however, I just consider it being polite and refraining from saying things that “may” cause others hurt of any kind, ya know? Thanks again though, LOVED your comment :)

Shane B --- You seem a lot like me when it comes to reviewing all angles, which is exactly what I did! I did think about Kathy Bates seeing this and possibly being offended by my comments; however, I think she would know I was referring to her ‘look’ in Misery, which is what this whole discussion has been about. I think she would know that she didn’t look her best (her looks were down-played) in that role, which was how it was supposed to be... how it was intended. I never insinuated that Kathy Bates was an ugly woman per se; however, in that role, she DEFINITELY wasn’t attractive. It is a negative image and I just thought the outspokenness of the cashier was a bit uncalled for.
By the way, I too had also thought about the cashier thinking I might actually be Kathy Bates and I guess that is why I wasn’t name calling and big-time bashing her... But still, if you’re not sure (and it’s not really a positive image you’re talking about) isn’t it best to not say anything at all? As for black women saying this, I was just inferring that they are the only ones who have ever commented and/or said that to me and I thought that was kind of odd... that’s what it has to do with it. You seem to be making MORE out of it than anyone else. Just my opinion – Thank you!

Laurie D --- You are absolutely correct!!! For my own piece of mind, I have to let this go and I will; it’s just everyone in my life says I’m too sensitive and all I really try to be is courteous --- “Do unto others as you would want done unto you”, ya know what I mean? And, I just wanted to see how other women would feel if the same comments were made to them. I know I am the only one who can change me and I’m working on that; however, in the meantime, I just don’t think it’s appropriate to correlate negative images w/comments, especially to unknown strangers. But I thank you for your comments and I really do appreciate everyone’s honesty – brutal or not!!! (lol) :)

JennaLynnLucky --- OMG!!! You made me laugh; you are too funny :) I sooo wish I had that type of personality, because I think my life would be much lighter and less worrisome. I truly hate being overly critical and self-demoralizing, but I only get like that when I’m overweight. I can’t seem to stop being so negative and I guess it just hurts when someone hits that ‘button’, ya know??? But, THANK YOU so much for the light-heartedness, I sooooooo needed it :)

H&HMomma --- See it’s a personality like yours that I need to adopt. I hate that I may have perceived something bad when it wasn’t intended, but I guess it’s just because I’ve gotten that comment several times whenever I’ve been overweight and such, ya know??? But THANK YOU so much, I totally understand what your saying about things could be worse. (lol) Bless You :)

MomofA&T --- LOL (Thank You!) I only wish I could have thought of those words when I was right in front of her. My face turned bright red and I was mortified. I really wanted to go off, but like I’ve said previously, my sister would have killed me and I really didn’t want to cause a scene. But, I definitely should have had her clarify things... then maybe I wouldn’t be so defensive about it :)

Featured Answers

J.S.

answers from Chicago on

I vote for overly sensitive. As others have pointed out, Kathy Bates is a beautiful woman. Her most famous role is that one in Misery.

Now, if the cashier said you looked like Steve Buscemi, that's the time to be offended!

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

She was rude. If someone does not have something nice to say they should keep their mouth shut. I would have asked her point blank if she thought that was a compliment, because you certainly did not and she should attempt to refrain from insulting the customers!

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K.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

I think you're being a bit sensitive. I actually think Kathy Bates is a very attractive looking woman (see her in Titanic, recent episodes of The Office, pics of her at awards shows, etc). She's got a really nice smile and is really very pretty. I think the cashier talked about "Misery" in particular because that's her most famous role and most people immediately know her from that (if she'd said "that actress from Titanic" or "that actress from The Office" would anyone think of Kathy Bates?). I don't think she meant you look like her *in that movie*, just that you must have a general strong resemblance to Ms. Bates. I'd have said "Thanks! I've been told that before." and moved on.

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J.L.

answers from Los Angeles on

I think you're being sensitive.
Kathy Bates wasn't ugly in Misery, she was plain...as in not all made up. Her having no makeup on and frumpy clothes made her character more believable. Kathy Bates normally is pretty...just google her. She goes with and without make up and she looks pretty either way. Most people just call her the lady from Misery because that was her most famous role. I looooovvveeedddd her in Fried Green Tomatoes.
http://www.celebs-wallpaper.com/archives/kathy-bates-biog...
Honestly if it were me and someone called my Kathy Bathes from Misery, I would totally have fun with them and ask them if they are calling me crazy looking.
People tell me all the time I look like a Bigger/Overweight/Plump/Fat Drew Barrymore. They could totally leave off the weight part and it would be a compliment, but the fact that most (even strangers) add it in reminds me I do have extra fluff. I just respond with "Yeah, she calls me all the time telling me how jealous she is of my curves." LOL.
Just Laugh it off. =)

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J.S.

answers from Hartford on

I really don't think that people are intending to insult or offend you. And not for nothing, but there must be something to it if multiple people have made the connection about the resemblance. People don't know that you find it offensive or the reasons why. What I'm trying to say, poorly, is that you need to look at people's intent on this one. There's no intent to insult you, and in fact a situation like this does take a bit of a sense of humor since you're likely to come across it again. I wouldn't ever be rude to someone who makes the resemblance connection, as they won't deserve it unless they're being mean on purpose.

I do think you're being overly sensitive, and that the cashier was well within bounds to make a lighthearted comment about something she noticed. It's not like she looked at you and made a horrible face, gagged, and shouted, "Oh my GOD! EW! You look like that hag Kathy Bates!"

I don't think the ethnicity of the women commenting to you has anything to do with it, and wasn't relevant to your story at all.

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L.A.

answers from Austin on

Well I think Kathy Bates is pretty attractive. She plays some crazy looking characters. Right now she is in a really good show on cable.

I think the cashier was saying you look like Kathy Bates, who ACTED in Misery. Not that you look liked that character.
Check her out.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000870/

I would let it go and give her the benefit of the doubt.

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E.D.

answers from Seattle on

My sister used to have people tell her she looked like Cameron Diaz. Lots of folks would be flattered. She was insulted. She hated the comparison.

As humans, we try to categorize; this looks like that; this doesn't look like that. It's just in our nature to compare and contrast. How we compare and contrast is usually different because we do so in a way that is shaped by our experience and tastes.

You took the clerks comment as an insult because Kathy Bates, to you, represents being overweight / unattractive. You're comparing and contrasting through your lens. To another, she might represent talent, strength, beauty and power. Compare, contrast.

The woman who told you may have meant it as a compliment. You felt it was an insult. We have different tastes and different experiences. To ME it doesn't seem worth loosing sleep over.

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S.B.

answers from Redding on

Just my opinion, but yes....you are being way oversensitive.
For one thing, Kathy Bates is awesome!!!!!!
She is an amazing actress. I SO loved her in the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes". She plays a woman who really finds her strength and her own beauty. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it.
I think a cashier saying that you resemble someone is not rude. She didn't say you look like a crazy maniac. YOU inferred that. Thinking you resemble the lady who played a role in a movie is not an insult.
Perhaps Kathy Bates would be offended by you being so upset about it, try thinking on that for a second.......How would that make HER feel?

I worked for a time as a cashier many years ago to help out a friend who had an employee quit with no notice. A very nice gentleman came in a few times and I couldn't get over the feeling that I knew him from somewhere. One day it dawned on me and I finally said, "I have to say, you look just like the guy who played the doctor on____________."
He just smiled and winked and said, "That's because I'm him".
I mentioned to someone else that worked there and they were like, "Oh yeah, he retired and has a nice place not far from here. He comes in all the time".
I live in the middle of nowhere and we've had lots of movie stars here to film movies. If somebody looks like somebody...it just could be them.

I'm sorry, but I don't see how the cashier's comment was rude. You projected something very abstract and not even intended onto yourself and what you think of yourself. That's my opinion.
If you really look THAT much like the character in the movie, you can change that. OR, you can contact an agency that represents celebrity look-alikes and try to turn it into a positive.
As for black women saying this to you...what has that got to do with ANYTHING?
You are reading WAY too much into all of this. On many levels.

Just my opinion.

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L.D.

answers from Las Vegas on

I would chalk it up to a social faux pas on the cashier's part. She probably did think you resemble Kathy Bates but the only movie of her's that she could come up with at that moment was Misery. She probably didn't mean that you look at that particular character, just that you look like Kathy Bates who played in that movie.

I can understand how your feelings got slighted but I have to wonder if the cashier was just trying to be friendly and make conversation with you, and went about it all wrong. We all commit acts of coversational suicide from time to time, I guess she's no different.

Embrace who you are and if the cashier's brief assessment of you doesn't match up with the image you have of yourself, then that's okay; it's how you feel about yourself that really matters. But, again, I really do think that she just made a mistake, that she really wasn't intentionally trying to tell you that you are unattractive.

I hope that you feel better about this situation soon. Sometimes it's best to give other people a benefit of a doubt just for our own peace of mind.

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T.F.

answers from Dallas on

Too sensitive. You are putting WAY too much energy into this. Put your energy into something positive.

EDIT to your comment toward me.... If the situation were reversed... I'd have the same comment. I am very happy and comfortable in my own skin and I am secure enough to turn something that might be construed as negative into a positive. I can appreciate your insecurities and issues about your body. If I were in your situation with looking and feeling miserable.... I'd do something about it and not waste time and energy on over sensitivity.

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J.U.

answers from Norfolk on

I am amazed how many people are turning this around and talking about themselves and who they have been told who they look like.

I would answer a little of both. Rude on her part to not be clear as to what she meant and to sensitive on your part to not call her out on it.

The best way to find out would be next time reply with....Careful! I could be just as crazy. or Well now that is a dangerous compliment...what are you trying to say?

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C.N.

answers from Baton Rouge on

Maybe the cashier considers Kathy Bates attractive. I do.

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M.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

To be honest-I bet she didn't say it trying to be rude. Some people just don't have a filter. And she probably did see Kathy Bates in you. Everyone has a defferent perspective and what one sees the other won't. I think people look like someone all the time and rarely do I get someone to agree with me. People think I look like people and I never see it at all. And it could be something so little-like the shape of your eyes-that makes the resemblance.

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K.E.

answers from Denver on

I had my old daycare lady post on FACEBOOK that she thought I looked just like Shawn White the snowboarder!!! LOL
The thing is we do look very similiar - same color/style hair, kinda same face shape/structure - but I think the last thing a woman wants to hear is she looks like a man.
I would have preferred the comment "YOu and Shawn White could be brother and sister" but whatever. I don't think you were being sensitive but keep in mind at least she didn't say you looked like a man!!!!!

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G.T.

answers from Modesto on

My husband is pretty bad about telling people who they remind him of, even when it's someone that is not all that attractive. I've tried to tell him he shouldnt do that, but he doesnt "get it". He says if they remind me of so and so I dont think it's bad to tell them. Oy. He told one gal one time that she looked like Janice Joplin and she got kinda pissed off too. haha.
I think you shouldnt let it hurt you really, but I do understand that it's kind of annoying. Your own self esteem should be strong enough to let life's little stabs not get to you so much. I heard an ad on the radio the other day and I thought it sounded pretty cool, it went something like this: As for your children, see them as a bucket, fill their bucket with so much self confidence so that later when real life starts poking holes in the bucket their is plenty of esteem in it and the little leaks won't mean much.

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A.G.

answers from Houston on

i lovvvvve Kathy Bates. She may be heavy but shes quite pretty. But, like you, i would have been floored by that. I would have gone home and jumped on the scale, or threw on a work out video.

If more than one person was saying it though, it leads me to believe you may have her eyes, or smile, or something.

I wish we could see a pic of you to put you at ease.

**by the way, i met a very obese woman one time who had a face that looked JUST like drew barrymore. I told her so. I really dont see much difference, she looked like a very large drew barrymore, this cashier thought maybe you looked like a skinnier Kathy Bates. I do think you are being sensitive, but they weren't being sensitive enough.

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P.W.

answers from San Francisco on

Overly sensitive. This is why:

You have a fiance. Obviously someone thinks you are attractive.

Also, I used to think Kathy Bates was pretty. That was in her early days, before she decided to become a character actress, and go natural. Look at pictures of when she was young and made-up, not when she played the role of a crazy woman. We could all look like hell in the right clothing and makeup.

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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

If it makes you feel better, Kathy Bates has been on The Office several times in the past year or so and she looks really good! Maybe you can find some photos on google images.
I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings but I can see why it did, I would have been crushed! Try not to think about it too much, it's like a slap, it only stings for a while. I'm sure you are a beautiful woman, inside and out :)

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R.M.

answers from Topeka on

She didn't say that you looked like the "character" in Misery...she said you looked like that lady...in other words you look like Kathy Bates. Look at this website http://smu.edu/newsinfo/releases/01308a.html I would give ANYTHING to look like THIS Kathy Bates....why not have THIS picture in your mind when someone tells you that you look like her....then you will be flattered and not flabbergasted!!
Relax...as someone already says...the first thing we need to do is love ourselves right where we are at this very moment!! Don't live your life wishing that things were different!!

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J.J.

answers from Los Angeles on

sometimes its just a passing expression on our faces that bear a resemblance to someone. Ive been told I look like Fergie, and since Im not slim, I guess it was my wild hair and made up eyes?? Some people say she looks like a transvestite! I certainly dont! I think you are making into a negative, maybe you were frowning at something, and that suggested the likeness to the cashier.

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M.B.

answers from Washington DC on

I think she has pretty facial bone structure. Yes, she's heavy, but NOT ugly. Maybe the cashier didn't know of the names of other films/shows Kathy Bates has been in. Usually, when someone thinks you look like someone they are referring to your face. Kathy Bates' face resemblance? Not an insult...

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000870/

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J.S.

answers from Boston on

Hmm...since I'm the first to answer I am going to go with...both!

First, I suspect that the cashier actually had no idea it was an insult. I think people from different races are not always tuned into the finer specifics of attractiveness in other races. I doubt she would have said it if she realized ti was an insult. So, it was rude only if she knew it would insult you, which she probably didn't.

Second, yes I think you are being too sensitive. WHich is easy, since you feel vulnerable and aren't happy with your current physical state. We can all relate to that.

But on balance, I'd let it go, and try to use it as a lesson for yourself - make yourself more aware of the things you say that might be unintentionally hurtful to someone else. Not saying that you do that, but I think we all sometimes speak before thinking, without regard for the impact our words have. Even in the ways we speak to our children for example.

Relax, enjoy your fiance's attitude and find someone else to insult your sister so you can laugh!! just kidding about the last bit..

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C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

I think you are being over sensitive. I get told I look like Rosie O'Donnell a LOT - when I was heavier - yep - people would stop me and say I LOVE YOUR SHOW!!! (no kidding) and ask for autographs. Now? not so much....

I love Kathy Bates - i think she is an OUTSTANDING actress! Don't worry about what others think about you - especially those that don't "know" you - be like a duck and let is slide off your back...and to top it off - Kathy Bates is a GREAT W.!! And I also think that Kathy Bates is an attractive W. - she possesses some really great qualities....beautiful eyes - hair, etc....don't focus on the ONE role - focus on the W. and all she brings to the table and you will see that it's not so bad!!

So instead of seeing it as a negative - take it as a positive and work with it!! Smile and say - thanks!

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K.B.

answers from St. Louis on

I also vote for too sensitive. She might've just meant you look like Kathy Bates, but couldn't think of her name and knew that she played in Misery, not that you look like Kathy Bates character in Misery. Kathy Bates is beautiful and extremely talented. She just happened to look crazy and bad in that one role. I personally think you took your own self-image concerns and projected them onto the cashier's comment, not the cashier was being rude with the comment. Everyone does say that I look like a chubbier Melissa Joan Hart (so much so that they called me Sabrina and Clarissa in college). I used to hate it because there was something about her that I didn't like. Then I realized that it was her cheeks and jaw line, which also happen to be the same things I don't like about myself. Once I realized that I compared myself to her based on my own self-image concerns, I now think shes pretty and take it as a compliment.

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K.L.

answers from Minneapolis on

Maybe another piece of this is to focus on loving yourself "as is." You don't have to change anything in order to be lovable--just turn up the love! And when you know you're OK, someone else's thought or opinion won't even make a dent in you. There are lots of great ideas on this at www.option.org.

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M.L.

answers from Redding on

I wish I looked like Kathy Bates! I'm a cross between Rosie ODonnell and Roseanne Barr, and if I put a hat on I look like Ernest Borgnine. I have seen some gorgeous photos of Kathy Bates and they did a terrific job with make up to make her look like she did in Misery. Maybe the cashier only rememers her in the movie but not her name and that's her frame of reference. She maybe didn't mean the harsh scary look Kathy Bates had in Misery, but other photos she has seen when she was looking like herself. Like I said,, I wish I looked like Kathy Bates!

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A.N.

answers from Albuquerque on

Even if you are overly sensitve you have every right to be. I think its the fact that she used the movie Misery if she used Blind Side or Titanic would you have been offended? Cuz personally I loved her in Blind Side and Titanic she looked really good in those and in my opinon is beautiful. But it does hurt when people do stuff like that. When I was little I told my step-grandma that she looks like the lady from Throw Mama From The Train (Anne Ramsey) she also played Mama Fratelli on the Goonies and years later she still remembers that I feel so embarassed that I said that now. I also met another lady and she looked like Kathy Bates and I said do you know who you look like? And she said yes I know Kathy Bates but I didnt imply anything mean. But I offended her and I told her Im sorry I personally think that Kathy is beautiful and funny and memorable for her smile. I once got a comment that I thought was nice at first this guy said "You look like Jennifer Lopez, well if Jennifer Lopez was fat." He said he seen this pic of her and Mark Anthony and she was large and built just like me. It bothered me so bad because people were around and I said well either way if Jennifer Lopez ever did get fat she would still be beautiful so thanks. But it killed me inside. I am very sensitve its just who I am. The lady that I said that too smiled and laughed and she was joking with us too after I told her I ment that as a compliment. I told her you look like the glamourous Kathy because she did. I guess we dont know exactly what things trigger that soft spot. I just deleted a friend from facebook for making a comment about girls who make kissy faces being stupid and unattractive and slutty. It bothered me that I had put up a kissy face messing around one hour before that comment was made. I deleted her because i think that judging people for making silly faces or trying to be sexy is even more unattractive and even worse she called me a sl**. I even put this comment that I looked funny and I can laugh at myself. It hurt you and thats all that matters and you should voice that it hurt.

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R.K.

answers from Boston on

I think you're being too sensitive

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A.H.

answers from Omaha on

Yes, I do think you are being a bit sensitive to this. 1) if they are saying it in the spirit of a compliment then perhaps they don't find Kathy Bates as unattractive as you do.2) Perhaps that is the movie people most often refer to because unless you are a die hard fan of Kathy Bates, it is usually the first one that comes to mind.
I can understand where you are coming from though. Someone once told me I looked like Natalie on the Facts of Life. I didn't take it as a compliment either because she was also known as the heavy set funny character. I got over it though. At any rate, I don't think these women that have made this comparison realized it would upset you. In fact, I have always thought my neighbor looked a little like Kathy Bates, but I will be sure never to tell her that! I hope this perspective helps you feel a little better!
A.

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B..

answers from Dallas on

I have met people who find Kathy Bates attractive!! I can't even picture what she looks like, but everyone has different tastes. They great majority of people wouldn't say you looked like someone they think is ugly!! People can be rude, but you know most really aren't that rude. I told my sister's friend she looked like one of the actresses in the movie grease once, who I personally think is so cute!! She totally didn't like that, and was obviously offended. I keep these things to myself now, because we ALL have such different ideas about what is attractive and endearing.

It sounds more to me, like the woman exposed some insecurities you might have...and did so publicly. That is never fun, and it leaves you feeling vulnerable and embarrassed of oneself. I read your "what happened" section and it seems your on track to change some things. When you begin to feel more confident about yourself, I bet something like that won't affect you at all!!

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A.K.

answers from Dallas on

I got asked this week, by a cashier, when my baby was due - I had her 3 years ago, so I was pissed. People are stupid and don't think, is the basic answer.
I never ask anyone when their baby is due, unless I know they are pregnant.
Let it go, when you lose the weight, you won't look like her I guess!
post a pic, so we can judge whether you do or not!

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

If I think someone might not feel flattered by the comparison, I keep my mouth shut. I would have taken it as "gee, she thinks I look like that crazy character" because she referenced the movie. Not "you look like Kathy Bates, the actress."

Try not to let it bother you, but I can see why you'd be annoyed.

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C.T.

answers from Detroit on

i think you are over-reacting. if more then one person has said then maybe there statement has some merit to it. they don't know what you look like when you a few pounds lighter. they are accessing what they see in the here and now. and you mentioned that only black women keep mentioning it, well maybe thats because we don't hold back. I am black and i don't think kathy bates is ugly. maybe in that movie where she was getting revenge on her husband(can't remember the name if the movie, but i loved it),she is a excellent actress who has many notches in her belt and i personally love her! ESPECIALLY IN FRIED GREEN TOMATOES!!! don't take offensive to it please. i could see if they said you look like gabrielle sidbay(precious) Then be offended!!!

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D.G.

answers from Tampa on

I think maybe you are being overly sensitive. I am sure the cashier was only stating her opinion and was not trying to be rude in any way. Remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The cashier did not say that you looked like Kathy Bates as she looked while playing her character in Misery. Kathy Bates has played in many other roles in which she looked rather attractive. I think maybe you have a low opinion about your beauty. You need to remember....all of us, as women, are beautiful! You just have to find your beauty and put it out there for all to see!

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M.T.

answers from New York on

Probably a combination of both! You feel sensitive about this because you were compared to someone who you don't feel is attractive! It's possible that the cashier doesn't view Kathy Bates in that way, or that she actually meant someone else, or it just slipped out without her realizing that comparing someone to a celebrity that some people find unattractive isn't necessarily a compliment!
Either way, it's not like you're hearing it every day, she said something that may have been dumb and people do that sometimes, it happens.

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A.M.

answers from Kansas City on

I have had several people say I look a lot like Melissa Etheridge...it took me by surprise. First time I heard this I was in my early twenties and thought I don't look a thing like that old lady! But as the years go by and the older I get I see that she is a very respected, beautiful woman who looks fantastic for her age. So I can only hope that I age as well as she does.

Find something you do like about the comparison and it will make it a lot easier. Now I take it in stride.

I also take everything to heart and wear my emotions on my sleeve so I can completely understand. Look at Kathy Bates in her many other roles, roles in which she is honest, caring and a remarkable woman. I have seen her in movies where she looks absolutely beautiful! Remember those movies and not Misery...she played a physcho oh so very well.

We were once in the grocery store and the man in line in front of us from behind looked exactly like my dad...at 2.5 years old my daughter was so excited yelling "PAPA PAPA PAPA..." when he turned around my daughter said "not PAPA"... I said "no that's not papa"...I told the guy "sorry, you look like my dad"...he was completely offended by the fact that we said that. (dad has full head of gray almost white hair and he's only 54 and this guy did too)...he even said "I"m not old enough to be your dad"...

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J.R.

answers from Miami on

Hi J.. I hear you. I was once asked when overweight "when i was due..."...
However, Your feelings are yours. You have a choice of how to deal with them.... you can make a joke out of a comment like: "I know I am her stand in for some movies and am off duty now...." or some such thing...or ignore or whatever. for your sake, try to focus on the positive and just keep moving ahead with your life and don't let these things get you off track....
HTH. Jilly

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A.H.

answers from San Francisco on

I think people just don't think sometimes. There have been plenty of times where I have been offended at the check stand. In fact, just this past wed. I had to stop at the store for peanut butter and condoms and needless to say the ensuing conversation could be a whole other post! LOL

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

It's in the eye of the beholder and everyone is different.
Some people are flattered to be compared to any actor/actress.
You may not have liked that particular character, but the actress portraying her is talented.
The person making the observation took a risk because she knows nothing about you or how you would take her statement.
What does being hurt about it do for you?
Sometimes we're about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
Just let it go. What does she know?
You don't know her any better than she knows you.
She might be a total idiot.
Never worry about what an idiot thinks.

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C.B.

answers from Kansas City on

yeah but you know what, it was STILL rude, and i would have been very hurt as well. as a fellow fat girl - i know i'm fat - it's not a secret - anyone looking at me can see it. it doesn't mean i'm proud of it and i CERTAINLY don't need people pointing it out. i would totally have been hurt. in fact i would have probably given her a dirty look and walked away. it is odd that it's only black women who feel the need to tell you that. i don't know what that says, if anything....BUT. you have every right to be hurt. next time, look her right in the eye, and say, "Wow, THANKS! that wasn't rude at all!" and walk away with your head up high.

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Y.C.

answers from New York on

I wasn't sure who was Kathy Bates so I was expecting a ugly, super big lady but I actually find her nice looking. I agree that in the movie Misery she looks kind of crazy looking in some of the pictures but not ugly, at least not to me.

I have very bad memory with names, but I do remember very good faces, and often see looks a like, and no necessary as a whole face but the eyes, or mouth, etc between 2 people (actress or not)
I don't often tell people if they look like somebody else, but the few times I have, I do as a complement.

I think you can always find a beautiful on anybody, even in my MIL! That should prove it all, lol.

EDIT: Maybe the register juts thought that you look like Kathy, and she just mention that movie as a reference because that is the first movie she came to her mind.

L._.

answers from San Diego on

Just because she didn't know Kathy Bates name doesn't mean she doesn't know her from other roles on tv. I am not one to know names and rarely do know names. But I watch a lot of tv. If I told my parents it was so and so from this or that show or movie, I'd say the thing I last saw them in.

You need to calm down and consider this from another standpoint. Yes, it's true that Kathy Bates plays some pretty creepy roles. But is it possible you weren't in a very good mood when that was said or they are seeing something in your face, a look or expression that she makes?

Kathy Bates also plays some good roles and when she's dressed nice and playing a good character she's nice looking. I'm fat myself so I was tempted to say "for being overweight". But that's my own insecurity talking. I see fat people all the time that I think look nice and pretty and then I think, "Why do I look so hideous fat?".

You are expressing your thoughts about weight and that shows me that you have the same insecurities about it that I do. I think your feelings are being misplaced. These people probably like her as an actress and probably think it is a compliment.

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L.B.

answers from Chicago on

Great answers all! I agree with most that said she was likely not trying to be rude. Just making conversation. The lady probably never thought about it again. Let it go and don't let it bother you. Just as I'm sure you meant no offense by stating that black women often speak out of turn or offer unsolicited opinions. I was kinda offended by that. In this day and age, people feel they can say whatever they want and do so. There is no race that holds a trademark on that trait in particular. I have seen rudeness from all types. Be glad the cashier was not a 15 year old girl... You can't get ruder than that if they think you don't fit the popular mode. No worries though, most don't seek to offend and we have to chalk it up to being human and keep moving forward!

K.M.

answers from Chicago on

I think you are being too sensitive because first of all Kathy Bates is a very beautiful woman in many roles but her most recognized and universally known character is Annie Wilkes from Misery. I am sure she was not referring to you as that specific role but that actress. She often reminds me of my mother and I think she is beautiful. So calm down and take it as a compliment.

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T.S.

answers from Sacramento on

Do you have medium length brown hair. That alone is probably the reason she mentioned the movie Misery in particular. And she didn't say you looked like the CHARACTER in the movie, or that you were ACTING like her... just that you look like the ACTRESS.

The woman probably considers it a complement to be compared to ANY famous person, and thought you'd be flattered.

Hug yourself. Hug your fiance. The next time some one says it try responding with "Oh, no! Yikes!" and I'll be they follow up with "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean you look crazy, just that you look like Kathy Bates. I meant it as a compliment."

HTH
T.

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M.R.

answers from San Antonio on

You did not like the comment that a total stranger told you but yet you are quick to write about your sisters flaws (because you felt as she was laughing at you), I don't think she would appreciate you writing about her when this is obviously about you. Think about that, she would be upset at you for even mentioning her, I know I would if you were my sister. Sometimes we tend to look at others flaws and not our own. Be quick to listen and slow to speak!

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M.B.

answers from Colorado Springs on

Kathy Bates is actually a lovely woman. Maybe this cashier didn't know the name of the ACTRESS that played Annie (so she just referenced Misery since it's such a popular movie). Maybe you look more like Kathy Bates does normally:
http://www.celebs-wallpaper.com/archives/kathy-bates-biog...

Which I don't think is a bad thing!

A.D.

answers from Norfolk on

That's funny that you mention that it's only black women who tell you this. My step-dad is black, and so is his whole side of the family. All of the women in his family always tell me that I look like Melissa Joan Hart and refuse to call me anything but "Sabrina"! I just don't see it, and just laugh at them every time. Kathy Bates is a beautiful woman--but she did look crazy in Misery. She probably just couldn't pull another one of her roles off the top of her head.

B.C.

answers from Dallas on

I really hope that Kathy Baits isn't a mamapedia member, lol. Sorry, but yeah, I'd be offended at that too.

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