Very Frustrated

don`t feel alone there is some many women like you, there is been two years for my now, a have a 9 years old girl and a 6 years old boy en some times is horrible to be alone both they make may life wonderful even those days, the father run away mi youngest one don even remember him , but mama`s are always for them so every time you fell blue remeber YOU CAN DO IT , like the others li ke you (mens are cute, but kids are awosome) love vero

My SIL went through similar. Her STBX caused problems with everyone - the mediator, the lawyers, everybody. SIL is perservering. It will be difficult, but try again. Try another mediator. Keep going to counceling for yourself/your girls (it may be a big help to them to know that it's not their fault). It's what my husband calls "death throes" of a relationship. Just hold firm. Document everything.

Hello Maghan
I am very sorry to hear that your separation is getting difficult and I hear that you want to make sure your daughters are taken care of.

Firt, I just want to let you know that people grieve the lost of a dream/relationship in different ways. Some do it by being very angry, resentful others do it by being reclusif. I am not supporting or defending anyone as I don't know your whole story, but seeing it through another's eyes can help to try to make changes that will be helpful to everyone.

I suspect that your husband is really upset and not willing to deal with the lost. What is really important for both of you to remember is that your daughters did not ask for this divorce and should not have to pay the price. It is also very important to let your daughters know that the divorce has nothing to do with them and that BOTH parents still love them.

Whenever you do talk with your ex-spouse, try to focus on what would be in the best interest of the girls and not on what either one of you could have done diffirently or whose fault it is that you are not together.

There are many books and websites available on how to deal with divorce and the impact it has on the entire family. If you would like some suggestions, just let me know. Remember, you may not be husband and wife but you will forever be parents of these two girls. You will need to stay in contact for the rest of your lives.

I have a grown son and two grown step-daughters. We have had to deal with ex-spouses for school, doctor's visits, graduation, births of grandchild and soon marriages. The importance of keeping and open communication has made a world of difference to our kids and I think they are very grateful for it. They don't feel as if they need to choose between parents as they never should have to.

M., I know this is a difficult time for you, so if you would like to talk some more, you can email me. Best of luck to you and your daughters.

C. C.
Stepfamily Life Coach
www.coachingsteps.com

Girl we are in the exact same situation. Unfortunatly until there is a court order there isn't much we can make these me do. We still have a joint account (I always had my personal account)but every pay day he goes to the bank and takes all the money out.That puts me in the postion of almost having to beg for little things like hair cuts for the boys or field trip money. Now I could beat him to it by transfering it at midnight but who wants the drama that comes with that. I think they love the apperance of control.

The best thing to do is to try to be as noromal as possible with the children and move on. I personally have visited food pantries and asked friends for help. Most people understand that it will take a while for you to get on your feet again and are willing to help as long as you are willing to do some work yourself.

Sorry your "hubby" is such a jerk and I know it's painful and heartbreaking but you will survive just keep moving.

Hi M.,

Had you thought about going to Family Mediation to help you and your husband get through this challege. Is there no way to make a reconciliation?

The Community Mediation Center in Norfolk has a Family Mediation program. How about contacting them to see if that is an option.

Their # is ###-###-####

Good luck. Hope this helps. D.

hang in there, it can be very frustrating. don't let the girls hear or see you trashing their father no matter what they will always have an image in their mind of him and you don't want them to have that busted no matter how much of a jerk he truly is, one day they will learn the truth on their own. The same as my son done. just be there for them when it happens because it hurts.

As for the jerk, let it go. let your lawyer handle it. if he calls, say talk to my lawyer and hang up. there is nothing that says you have to talk to him. if he asks for the girls let them talk to him. but otherwise hang up the phone. When you get to court the judge will ask him why he hasn't provided the appropriate information. Who knows depending on the judge that could be really funny!

I know how you feel sweetie, although I am not married to my daughter's father, he did the same thing. I'm not trying to make matters worse, but I'm awarded child support and he still is as stubborn as an ox. It's like I say white and he says black, I go up and he goes down. The reason why we encounter so much reltaliation from them, is that they KNOW their children are in the BEST hands with us, and at the same time, they have to admit that they are not stepping up as fathers. They are really angry at themselves more so than us. At first I tried to compensate for his inadequatcies, but realize my only obligation is to give my child the best life I can, and rear her to be who God created her to be. That is all you can do. I pray for her father, and although I still get upset with him in how he has chosen to be apart of her life (he doesn't visit eventhough she is only 4hrs away, he rather call and talk to her on the phone), I realize she must have some form of communication with him. I never present him in a negative manner to her, because if he continues on this cycle, when she gets older, she will see for herself, and trust me children will let them know. So my advice to you is to enjoy your children in spite of their father's antics. Don't endure your children ...ENJOY them, especially since your are in the military and can leave them at any given moment. As for financial support, God will provide all you need, and then some. As for emotional, and mental stamina, he will constantly refuel you, even when you don't think you have anything left. Don't get me wrong, go after ALL you are entitled to...child support, spousal support etc..., and God will do the rest.....

I had an ex-husband who started out that way. I finally told him that I refused to speak with him when he was being argumentative. I would just inform him that I was hanging up and he could call when he wanted to TALK. Took a while, however he did conform. On the financial end - I finally garnished his wages and he threatened to take our daughter off his insurance. I told him I would go back to court for a modification of child support and he dropped the whole thing. It becomes a power/control issue. Be the bigger person and decide what behavior you are willing to accept from him. You don't have to tolerate bad behavior any more. Good luck to you!

It sounds like your husband does not want the divorce which I know from experience will make it a long dragged out ordeal. Just hold your ground and stay consistent. Don't ask him for money, just let the lawyers work it out. It will happen anyway and men tend to feel like all you want is their money and that will make it much harder in the end. I'm not sure what county you live in but some require that you take a parenting class if you have children. I wasn't informed of it until the end but it was very helpful and I wish I would have taken it earlier. They just explain the whole process and what is going to make things better or worse. I was recently given a book called "Joint Custody with a Jerk", I haven't read it yet but it was recommended in my class.

In general, be careful of his feelings as he is going to be going through a lot of emotion as I am sure you are too and have been. It will all get worked out in the end so just let your lawyer handle the details and try to keep the peace. Once things are settled it gets a lot easier. The one year separation period was complete hell for me and my ex made it as difficult as possible which is an understatement. Fighting him on things didn't get me anywhere. Just lay low and take care of your girls. It will be rough for a while and you may feel like it will never feel normal again but it will get there.

Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk:)

I just read the "what happened", wow, we have a lot in common!

S.

M., the best things you can do about this is to document everything that is happening and then let your attorney handle everything. Once the child support order is in place, his salary will be garnished (automatic in MD) and your support payments will run more smoothly. But your attorney is your best source of advice no how to handle this, because really you can't make him act differently, you can only control how you act.

As for never wanting to interact with his daughters, that is another thing you can't control. If he ignores them too much, then it's his loss, he may lose the respect of his children. That's his stuff, you can just be the best mother you can and be there for them.

Divorce is usually very nervewracking, I know because I've been there. Hang in there, life will get better.

Go to court to establish a child support order!
You shouldn't have to ask him for money for them!

It sounds like he knows how to get to you and is having a great time doing it. I would suggest not taking his calls. If he does leave a message for the kids, make sure they get the call. However, if he leaves nasty messages, tape and keep them for you to use in court. (Any obscene comment can be used as "Curse and Abuse" and is illegal.

Do not get into a verbal dispute with him or curse him yourself, because this will put you in the same spot. Document, Document, Document EVERYTHING he does: phone calls, visits, letters, EVERYTHING! This is important to have when fighting for custody, support, alimony, community property, etc. Write down times, dates, locations, what was said/done, anything that will assist you in severing ties with this man. The bad part about this is the impact this will make on your children.

Good luck for both you and your daughters.

Hi M.,

I am 31 years old. My dad left us when I was 11. I can never remember him being around when he was home and he certainly wasn't around ever after he left. He didn't care what my mom did, when she did it or who she did it with... but at the same time he never showed interest in us either and tried with all his might to get out of child support. I know in NJ and I believe also in MD you can it can be taken directly from his wages. You can't force him to be a good father, but he can be forced to pay support for his daughters. If he is a good man with a good heart and a good soul, he will do what's right before it's too late. Unfortunately in my situation it's way beyond too late. Good luck to you and your precious little souls.

K. - sahm of 2 boys, 5 and 2.

Dear Megan,

My best friend is going through a similar situation and its taking a toll on her. I wish I could do something more concrete for you than to just write words. But alas thats all I have. My best friend went the lawyyer route which actually only exasperated things and costed an enormous amount of money. Then she went to mediation and it seemed to help tremendously. Although she is not in a perfect situation (single parenting is HARD!) at least she is at the point where he supports her and spends time with her daughter.

Good luck to you and your daughters.

(((())))hugs,
J

How unfortunate for your girls to have dad upset you, and frustrate you. Try not to argue with him in front of your girls. I have a friend recently in your situation, and she and her soon to be ex, communicate through email. I spoke to him recently, and he even believed that it is the right thing to go now. He can reread, and send, and there is no he said, she said. Also as for the money, well make sure that the lawyer fights for as much as possible, and maybe more with the cost of everything going up. ood luck.

First, my heart goes out to you. My parents divorced when I was in high school and it was similar, only I became a mediator. My suggestion is to keep this problem far away from your girls and give them the stability and support your ex is not and they will be fine. My mother was a pillar of strength and should have left my father years ago. I still am in touch with my father and help him as much as I can, all is forgiven now and we have all moved on and are all happy. My mother also did go through legal channels to have my father pay, and he still did not always pay. My mother also saw a psychiatrist and went on antidepressants and that helped her through. I am sure you are better off without him, and as time goes on you will see you did the best thing already for your girls and it will get easier. God bless!!

M.,
Since you have a lawyer, the best thing you can do is have him take care of eerything. If your husband calls, do not answer. It will only lead you to become upset which your girls will see. The lawyers can set up visitation right now and work that out or use your answering machine and be very blunt and brief on the phone with him. If he starts on a tangent, tell him you need to go. Be in control of the phone call. Plus, your girls do not need to hear or see what goes on between the two of you. You are going the right way with your attitude and thoughts. You want the best for your children. Try not to put their dad down as it will only cause the girls problems in their future relationships. Try to explain things to them so they know it is not their fault and they know that relationships are not suppose to be like this. I hope this helps. I know it is hard. Don't forget to take some time for you and heal yourself. It takes a while to really feel good about yourself. A.

Dearest M. ~

I am so proud of you for realizing that your girls are truly the most important thing you need to focus on right now. You are doing the right thing in going to court to get the child support they deserve. You cannot control your exhusband's actions. All you can do is help to minimize the hurt your daughters are surely feeling. Even though he is acting like a real "you know what", please try to refrain from speaking ugly about him to your daughters. You can try explaining to them that their Dad does love them, he just doesn't know how to show it right now. If you bash him, it can possibly cause them to have self esteem issues. Children so desparately need to feel loved by both of their parents. I know this can be so very hard, because he's making life hell for you. But, BE STRONG! Take comfort in the fact that you are the one who is sharng and giving your all to those precious babies. Feel sorry for him - he is missing out on what is one of the most fulfilling things in life - being a good parent. He will REGRET IT some day!

For now, try to minimize your conversation with him. Tell him you are not interested in discussing anything with him other than the children. Let the lawyers handle the rest. Try to keep life as stable as possible for your daughters. Perhaps spending time with family will give the girls a good sense of stability (grandparents, aunts and uncles). Until you start to get child support from your ex, try to cut down on expenses if possible - Get clothing from thrift stores, do free activities with the kids, whatever you can do to save a dollar or two. I know it's hard, but YOU CAN DO IT! BE STRONG for your girls. I wish you the very best! ~ K.

your lawyer should take care of setting up the child support which can be done as a wage attachment that way you know you are going to get your money instead playing the wait & see when he is going to give you money.

Be the best mother that you can be to your girls. I have gone through a similar issue. My ex-fiance and I have a child together and when I called it off, he basically foregt that he had a newborn sone. If you need the child support, continue pursuing. He does not need to be around you for you to pursue it.I also think you may need to look into getting a police report written about his behavior. It seems like he is obssesed with you and it coud lead to something worse.

There is no guarantee that he will ever come to his senses. You need to make sure that you protect yourself and girls.

The best thing you can do for your girls is love them and not place them in the middle of the divorce. I know that is going to be difficult with the way your ex is acting but the girls do not deserve to be torn between their parents. Do your best to take the high road and say nothing in front of them about your ex that is a putdown. Making bad comments will make you look bad in the girls eyes as well as the courts eyes if it comes out in court. In the long run the girls will know who loves them and who uses them a pawns to hurt the other parent when they get older. Keep a journal with dates of calls and the comments made as well as things that happen when you see him and things the girls tell you to give to your lawyer. Be aware he will probably be doing the same. So watch what you say and do until everything is settled in court. This is the voice of experience talking. ABOVE ALL ELSE, LOVE AND HOLD THOSE GIRLS AND MAKE SURE THEY KNOW THEY KNOW THEY ARE LOVED BY YOU!!!

hello, just some friendly advice.

be very carefull with what you say to your hubby, my advice you should record all phone calls.

let everything be taken careof by the layers

dont cut off your hubby from the kids. take a diary of every time he should be there but isnt.. etc etc.

hope this helps,

keep you personla life on the qt so he cant fie anything at you when you are organising your custody of your kids.