Going Through a Nasty Custody Case

My sister wanted sole custody for her son. He has CF and the dad doesnt know much about his medicine especially since they have changed a bunch of it when they moved. Also traveling makes things different because climate comes into effect with his health. These issues can put him in the hospital, because he can contract pnemonia easily.

After saying all that neither one of them could afford a lawyer. The Judge felt he needs to have a relationship with his dad so they had to do their own mediation and then present it to the Judge. They finally agreed to every summer and every other Christmas. Now he is 6 years old and says he does not want to go with his dad. He does not even want to talk to him on the phone. He doesnt even call him dad.

I wish you the best of luck and try and get a good lawyer.

Hi K.,
When you go to mediation, make sure to take information regarding your daughters medical condition and care. This back up documentation will help the mediator see that you are not just "making this up" and see that it is a vital concern. You need to show the court that you want to encourage a relationship between your daughter and her father, it will benefit you in front of the mediator and judge if it goes that far. If by chance either one of you does not agree with the mediators ruling, either party can object and it will go to a judge. The judge does rely heavily on the comments and decision made by the mediator, so the more you can show up front as documented concerns, the more it will weigh in your favor later on!
If it goes to a judge, you might want to look for an attorney. I have the name a very good attorney if interested. He did not require a large retainer and worked with my family with payments. He is not a "shark", but mellow and not dramatic, but good at what he does. Please let me know if you get to that point and I will pass along his name!
Good luck!

The other posters are right - joint custody means joint decision making ONLY. Visitation is a separate matter entirely. It is very unlikely that any judge will grant your daughter's father's requests in your situation. All of your concerns are reasonable and valid. You are in a very strong position. Do not let his unreasonable requests throw you or scare you.

That being said, the courts do feel (and I am hearing that you do, too) that a child truly benefits from having a strong relationship with both parents. At this point, it sounds like the relationship your daughter has with her father is minimal. So, it needs to be built up in a way that fosters positive regard for her dad, and also does not throw her into chaos. Make the suggestion that he begin visiting her to build that relationship. Take the tone that you absolutely think your daughter needs her father in her life. Make every effort to foster contact through the phone, pictures, letters, videos, etc. Demonstrate your willingness to develop a good co-parenting relationship with your daughter's father.

However, your daughter's well-being must be the priority topic in all of this. Document everything in regards to her condition, and how well she is doing in her life with you. Suggest reasonable alternatives, and demonstrate flexibility and positive regard.

Finally, I would suggest you talk with a lawyer. If money is tight, consider consulting with a lawyer and paying for that time on an hourly basis, instead of paying a retainer. The legal arena is confusing, and if you do not have all of the information, you could agree to allow something that a judge would have NEVER allowed. Having the information before the mediation would be very beneficial for you.

It is important to choose the right kind of lawyer. Find someone who is highly respected, and who has a preference for settling via mediation. DO NOT consult a "shark" lawyer. These are the lawyers who will try and scare you with worst-case scenarios, and take the most contentious tone possible. The other professionals involved, such as the mediator and the judge, know that there are good lawyers and lawyers that like to stir the pot of trouble. It speaks very well of you if you choose a lawyer who has integrity and good mediation skills. It will also save you a ton of money, because these lawyers have no interest in creating the kind of drama that will take years in court to settle.

And one final point: DO NOT allow your child to travel to her dad's unless you have a court order that says you have to, and that it is very clear when and how she will be returned to you. This protection is *essential*. I am not trying to scare you, but I personally would be very concerned about allowing my child to travel out of state with someone who has shown such little interest in his child. He sounds like he is out of touch with her needs, and focused on what he wants. I would specifically be concerned that he would not return her to you. This is the primary reason I think you would benefit from talking with a lawyer. They can advise how much of a risk this would truly be in your situation, and help you put reasonable protections in place. Once visitation is granted, it is extremely hard to get this reversed. So, do all you can to make sure out-of-state visitation is not granted prematurely.

Stay strong, mamacita!

Try to stay calm and cool and cooperative (keep all those
feelings from showing)...Agree to one trial visit...my bet
is that when the new Mrs sees what is involved in taking care
of your precious daughter that the desire to do this will
be very infrequent...just stay positive and centered on what
is best for your daughter and things will work out.
G.
(Mom (with an ex also), grammy and wife to wonderful man of
25 yrs...it can be right!!!)

ive been through mediation and it only works if both of you are willing to agree on terms. if not then the judge will ake the deicsion. soit is very important that you gather all medical information and take them with you alos a recomendaton form your doctor and more importantly, get her some cousneling or at least an evaluation so that you have that on your side. how will she travel to georgia? who is taking her and bringing her. maybe you cold suggest that for a year or so, he visits here so that she gets used tohim and hisnew family then gradually go for a few days and work up to it. the majority of judges will award joint custody . even if you hav joint custody it doesnt mean that he will get that many days a month visitation. it is very hard not to get get joint custody which basically means that both of you will have to make legal medical educatinal and religous decisions together. in arizona there is a standard for visitation. youwill probably get physical custody and both of you get joint custody. the visitation standard is usually every other weekend with the non custodial parent plus one other day of the week and at least 15 days in the summer. since he lives out of state that is going to be really hard so both of you need to agree onsomething more reasonable. the thing that wil give you the advantage si to not goin in in a confrontational manner. and repaeat this phrase as much as possilbe" I want what is best fo our daughter, and it is not about what you or i want but what is best for our daughter" if he yeals and screams and thratens, the medicator will let the judge know. good luck

The most important thing you can do in any legal case is to document EVERYTHING. Dates he has visited her in the past, dates he calls, dates he writes, dates she has to go to the dr and hospital visits, dates he has participated in dr apts.

During mediation, ask him to visit her here in her hometown once each month for 6 months to see how well he is able to handle her condition with you near by to help. Also ask that he meet with her physician(s) and get a through idea of what it takes to care for a child with her condition. Also ask him to attend a parenting class, offer to go yourself. The worst thing that can happen is you both become better parents. Then at the end of the 6 months you can go back to mediation to make adjustments.

He may or may not be ready to spend more time with her at that point, but you will at least know that you did everything you could to make things work for her. This shows the court you are trying to work with him and keeping your daughters medical condition as a priority.

During the 6 months, document everything that is done, said, not done... you get the picture. I hope things work out for the best.

All I can say is make sure your lawyer is good and stand your ground in the interests of your child. If he wants to be with her he needs to make the sacrifices not her. Sounds like a typical case of narsicism (Sp?)on his part.

I would love to talk and meet with you. I have a 3 1/2 year old son here in ABQ and his father lives in Colorado. He too essentially abandoned our son until he met another woman. (She is from Thailand)and married her. Now she needs something to do so he is wanting to get more control over our son. We are now battling jurisdiction over the issue.

Hi K., I'm very familiar with this situation, although I'm the soon to be step mom. My fiances daughter is 12, mildly retarded and autistic, she lives with us during the week, and her mom every weekend. My fiance had to file mediation papers to take her back to court to try to get every other weekend back, the court date is next month. She had initially agreed to this and took her faithfully every other weekend for 10 months, then when he and I moved in together, she called the cops on a saturday and inforced the divorce papers from 3 years ago that say she can have her every weekend. Since we are a family of 5 during the week (I have my 2 kids full time), the weekend is our "fun time" to do stuff with the kids and we don't feel it's 'fair' that she is doing this. We understand she is her mom and wants to see her (although she didn't bother with her until I was in the picture), but we don't think this is reasonable. So we are working that out. As far as you guys go, I don't think it's 'reasonable' to put a 3 yo thru a trip across country every month, although I think it's important that she spend time with her dad. That is a tough call. Maybe you guys can get one of those webcams and they can see each other on that too. I understand how frustrating it is to have to deal with this, especially when you feel strongly one way, and the other party seems to be putting their needs before that of their own child. Mediation is basically just sitting down and trying to agree on what you both want. Ultimately you can get advice from those of us going thru it and who have gone thru it, but it just needs to be worked out between the two of you. And like someone said before, make sure you document EVERYTHING!!! Going thru this myself, I understand and wish you the best! Good luck!!!

yeah, been through similar stuff. it's hard to feel like someone else can take care of our kids and no one will do it like we do as moms...and that's okay.
try to take a few breaths and step back.
your kids need their dad in their lives as hard and unfair as it may seem.
joint custody (if you can be the primary custodian parent) means you pretty much have sole custody so I wouldn't fight over that.
I would explain to your ex your concerns about your daughters medical conditions and see what his response is.
maybe he's aware and will handle it differently then you yet in a way that's within reason and safe.
If he's in denial, he will find out quickly how hard it is to take care of her needs and he will look into excuses of why she can't visit the next month and so on.
As horrible as it may seem, I vote to try to open up and let your ex have the visitation he wants.
It will either work out for your daughter, which will make you feel good or...
it will not work out for your ex husband and he will want less visitation and contact which will work out in your favor yet not your daughters. if this happens then when your daughter is older she will understand that you did not put up any blockades for dad to see her and will not have any anger with you and your choices...
good luck. try to stay out of Court or most likely they will automatically give him what he's asking for.

I would recommend that you request a child custody evaluation done by a child psychiatrist who specializes in forensic issues. It doesn't sound like these extended visits requiring air travel would be in your daughter's best interest at this time. I wish you well.

L. C.

I know it is hard, but first, try to see it as a good thing that your ex wants to be involved in your child's life. Second, I agree with you that his visitation request fro 10 days each month isn't practical. My very good friend who lived in NM while her ex lived in California split custody in this way--she had her son during the school year and her ex had him for Christmas and the summer, of course her son was older than your daughter, but just thinking of shuttling a 3 year old around the country every couple weeks is so crazy, not to mention expensive.
Also, as others have said, keep a log of how often your ex currently has contact with your daughter. Many judges are reluctant to change an existing visitation schedule, even if that schedule is informal, a judge doesn't want to disturb the routine of a child. Try to stay positive, considering your daughter's medical needs your ex will be hard pressed to prove that he can handle her care and also that she can handle the flying back and forth.

if you camly relate your conerns to your ex, maybe he will be more likely to understand your concerns...try not to get overly on edge cuz it will not help your situation. Mediation can be a wonderful thing for people. But it can work to your disadvantage if there is too much fighting involved. hear your ex out. Maybe he is now mature enough to deal with that, but the courts are 'usually' good enough judges of character, plus they want what is in the best interest of the child. maybe when he knows more details your ex will understand that being with you is in you childs best interest too. bring as many facts with you as possible and present them (show how you provide all the care taking). calmly.....remember to always be calm...even if he creates bull ****, just be calm. Pray that the best interest of your child will be agreed upon and that you will be open minded to all sides of the story. maybe 10 days with his child will be all he needs to know he isn't the one who can properly handle the situation too.
I am so sorry you hav to go through this. you must be worried out of your mind. I have worked with many children who have special needs...mostly autistic and 1 with shaken baby, but I can't imagine taking them out of the normal element, unless it were a part of their routine. I can't imagine the court system thinking that would be good for your child either.
what is your daughters special needs?
Also it wouldn't hurt to bring in facts about your daughters needs, instead of only your own opinion and how it would be best to keep her with you, maybe in the future she will be ready for visits like that and maybe she won't but only time will tell. If he would come visit more often he would know.
I also want to say...i hope it doesn't sound horrible, but I know many mothers of special needs who need a break. maybe it will be benificial for you.