Urge for Baby 3 Is Ruining My Marriage

It's not true that you never regret having a baby. It happens to a lot of people.
It is never fair to bring a living thing into a home where it is not wanted by everyone who will live with it. That is especially true if you are creating a person to bring into a home where it is not 100% wanted by everyone.
It sounds to me like the plumbing needs to go sooner rather than later. If BOTH of you decide later that you want a third child, adopt one.

Please know that whoever told you that "never regret having a baby, always regret not having one" was giving you harmful, detrimental, false information. Every woman's situation is different. It's not helpful to generalize a child-bearing scenario with "never" and "always".

However, there is one bit of information that is genuine, and real, and true, and that is: you have two children who depend on you and need you. This "urge" you feel is probably unresolved grief, and it's going to destroy more than your marriage - it's going to destroy your children's lives. Love them as much as you loved the baby you carried for a few short weeks.

Please get grief counseling.

Rather than marriage counseling, I'd like to suggest you see a different therapist for individual counseling to help you work through your feelings. How to accept them, how to disassemble them, and ultimately, how to move on from them. As you doctor said, your feelings are normal. That doesn't mean it would be a good plan to act on them.

Consider it this way: If your husband wanted another child and was being persistent about it to the point of counseling, wasn't taking No for an answer, couldn't talk to you without bringing up babies, and doesn't even want to share a bed for sleeping - people would tell you he's being a manipulative jerk.

Your feelings and emotions are valid, but your behavior is not. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time, but you are the person who needs to change in this scenario. If it feels too hard to do for yourself or for your husband, consider working on it for the happiness and stability of your two existing children.

For real? You feel hatred and think this will end your marriage? I'm sorry for your loss...I have had 2 miscarriages and they are hard. But really? You would break up your family and put that hardship on your children? Divide your income...have two homes...make your kids go back and forth...and all the mental and financial hardship that this means. Did you grow up in a divorced family. I did and it SUCKS. Think of your kids. Why would you be this irrationally angry - your husband has a very good point...your kids are both in school and a baby would mean starting back at square one...with all the work/lack of sleep/time and effort. You know, if you had not accidentally gotten pregnant you would be happy and not even thinking these thoughts...you would be focused on your kids, your business and your relationship with your husband. I think you need therapy (for you alone) to help you get back to being happy and grateful for what you have.

You DO know what to do, but you don't want to do it.

Stop punishing your husband. Stop pretending that you aren't punishing him.

It doesn't matter what you were told about regretting or not regretting having a baby. You don't get to treat your husband this way and get another baby out of him. You don't get to browbeat him and withhold sex from him and put him in counseling misery by demanding that you will have your way or no real marriage.

He doesn't have to stay married to you.

No wonder he has dug in his heels. You are irrational and cruel to him. Why would he create another child with a woman he no longer even recognizes?

Why am I being harsh and not saying "poor you"? Because you had better get a grip soon and straighten your head out before you lose what you HAVE...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I have to point out (it can't be just me that sees this?) that the fact that this question is enough to potentially end your marriage is a definitive answer that you do NOT need to do this right now. To even reasonably discuss planning another pregnancy and baby, you should know that your marriage is healthy. If you think you might end your marriage if you don't get your way about this, then you are not in a place to be contemplating bringing a new life into it. And it isn't just a new baby who needs to be considered. You have 2 children now who need you and your husband to have a healthy intact marriage. Work on that first. I believe the others are wise to suggest you seek more grief counseling and let yourself grieve fully and appropriately.

I think you need counselling just for you, to try to figure out why you feel so very unfulfilled with your life. I have miscarried, I understand how quickly you feel the bond, and I even understand that sometimes the dad-to-be doesn't feel that bond so quickly. The woman who was pregnant experiences miscarriage differently and I think often more intensely than her partner.

But, to have gone so far as to throw away your family (not only your husband but also your alive-and-needing-you kids) over this - I think you need help.

As a side note, I think that your quote of "You never regret having a baby. You will always regret not having one." is incorrect. There are websites and a FB site devoted to people who need a safe place to admit that they regret having a baby.

Grief counseling for you.
You have all these hormones running through you and they are having an effect.
You have 2 kids that need their mama - and a husband who is NOT on board with having another kid.
You've got 2 to put through college plus you need to save up for your own retirement.
"You never regret having another baby" is just so much nonsense that someone babbled to you when you were initially scared at finding yourself pregnant again.
Childbearing comes to an end sooner or later for all of us.
You have trips to look forward to, grandchildren eventually, you don't have to go through potty training again or terrible twos/threes again.
Sure you might have a 3rd child who was 'the best ever' but you could also end up with a special needs child who will need looking after for the rest of your life and beyond.
There's a silver lining in this if you are determined to find it - but as long as you blind yourself to it, you're shooting yourself in the foot - and yeah I could see why your husband would be annoyed about it.
If you end your marriage, you won't be having another child plus your kids will have to deal with being raised in 2 households.
Consider this to be a bad case of baby blues, get on some meds for depression and really think about exactly how you'd like your family to end up.
There comes a point where wanting 'just one more' becomes selfishness and an obsession.
You're really close to crossing that line.
If your periods are horrendous - it's time for a hysterectomy.
Many ladies are very happy to have that over and done with.

"You never regret having a baby. You will always regret not having one." Yikes - that's got to be one of the most untrue statements I've heard. First, the words "never" and "always" are dangerous words - fighting words, in fact. You should have learned that in therapy by now. Second, you must know realistically that there are folks that regret having another child, or a child at all? Just because it isn't "mainstream knowledge," surely you must know that folks can regret just about anything at all - including kids?

I think that you need to spend more time in grief counseling, not marriage counseling. It seems as though you have fixated on the fact that you maybe initially were not happy about the pregnancy, thereby somehow causing the miscarriage. This is common to feel this way, but without addressing it, you will always seek that "replacement pregnancy" to fill that guilt. Even going so far as to destroy your marriage to do so.

You know that you could force your husband to agree to a 3rd child and still find out that your childbearing years are over for whatever reason. Or have another miscarriage.

If prior to this, your life was good, your marriage was strong and you were ok with having two kids, then I think it is time to focus on trying to get back to that, rather than focusing on forcing your marriage to a place it clearly cannot survive.

Good luck - as a mom who suffered multiple miscarriages, which ultimately lead to a hysterectomy, I understand the drive and fear behind what is going on . . . I really do.

Agree that statement was stupid and wrong, whoever made it. Try to get it out of your head. Did you husband promise you before you got married he wanted 3 kids? If not, he's not breaking a promise or anything. I didn't want 3 children either. And one reason was bc I felt it wouldn't have been good for my marriage and my existing children should come first. Divorce is horrible on kids. Try to focus on your kids now. If you want to be a good mother in general, don't let this ruin your marriage. Just don't. Protect them. A third child that leads to divorce is just not fair to them. It'd be like the 3rd child was more important than they are.

Updated

I think you've removed the hatred comment. I read that earlier and was kind of shocked. Maybe you got upset writing this and then realized it was kind of harsh. I think it was telling though.

My husband and I had a baby after a gap and it was harder than we imagined. You go through all those stages, all over again. That's not easy. If you don't have a strong bond and strong partnership, your whole family will suffer.

I would deal with your emotions with a counselor, just you. Because you were happy before, and you've gone through a loss. This does not necessarily mean another baby would be the right thing for you.

Definitely just let it go for now, heal yourself and give it time. If you feel the same in 6 months to a year, once you've grieved and healed, then talk about it again at that time.

this is not the same post I read earlier. You've changed the subject and you changed the wording. I walked away to think about it before responding.

I don't know who told you that stupid line? But they were nuts. Absolutely nuts. That couldn't be further from the truth. There are plenty of people in this world who regret having their babies.

Your marriage is in serious trouble if you believe this will ruin or break up your marriage.

You and your husband need a better counselor/therapist.

My husband and fought over money and housing, not having more kids. I can't help you with that one. We wanted two. We got two. That was it for us.

It sounds like you might need a different counselor. Especially if you're going around in circles. Why risk all the wonderful things that you do have rather than focusing on what you don't have? I had a bout of infertility and I'm very thankful for what I have. You do have two wonderful children...is it fair to disrupt their life and your husband's life by chasing a dream that came in and out of your life in 6 weeks?
I know the pain of miscarriage, but I wouldn't dream of risking my marriage over it.

I am sorry for your loss. I do feel though that right now you are in an emotional state and not in a position to make a rational decision. And you are not in this alone - your husband has made it clear that he does not want another child and you should take to heart and seriously consider what he has said. This should be a joint decision so I don't think it would be wise to consider getting pregnant.
And as one of the other ladies has already posted - had you not gotten pregnant you would be just fine and happy now without another child and not even thinking these thoughts now.

You say "it's been like this for awhile". How long is awhile?

Because how this reads is: in the past year you have swung on the pendulum of emotions.

A year ago you were struggling financially, and annoyed and angry at yourself for getting pregnant. Now your urge to be pregnant is so strong you are ignoring your husband and willing to put your marriage and children's happiness on the line to have this baby.

This does not sound like rational decision making to me.

It does not sound like an environment to bring a baby into.

It sounds like decision making governed by grief, disappointment, fear and unbalanced hormones.

I think you need to put this on the shelf for maybe a year or six months and then revisit it.

Since no one can predict the future, and knowing how severely the pendulum swung the past year, it's best to not make this decision right NOW.

In the next six months to year, work on getting your marriage stronger, work out your grief and anger, let your body heal and get a savings account built.
Then revisit the issue.

On a scale of 1-10 where would you place your husband's desire not to have another child, if it's high like an 8 or 10, the new baby if you have one may strain your relationship, you should work on your husband a little more so he can desire another child too.......if you are close to menopause this might be hard to do but you also don't want to be single mom with 3 kids..........what are all his fears about having another child?

Can you problem solve around those fears? .......I had a complication after the csection for my second child and ended up in the ICU and my 5 day old baby didn't have a mother for the days I was in the ICU, my hubby works about 80 hrs a week, and we both have no family here so our church was so kind to help us find a nanny to help, but I didn't know how afraid my husband was until he burst out crying with relief when the Cardiologist told him after the heart ultrasound that although I had a little leak I would not be needing any major heart surgery or anything like that............he had been absolutely terrified......so your hubby may have a lot of fears and it's never a good thing to make major decisions when there is fear.....

Sending Blessings your way.........

I think that you probably need to worry more about your husband and his feelings. I say this not to say that your feelings do not matter but, if you take care of this first everything else will most likely fall into place. You are ruining what you have wishing for something that you dont have. I say that kindly..but I think you need to see that. Be happy for the young precious kido you have, your business, and your husband. If you focus on rekindling that fire between you all of those other things you want will most likely follow and you will lose all resentment towards him. He will be happy and he will want to give you want you want and need. I really am sorry for your loss but please. Go put your kids to sleep go give your husband a kiss and give him the wife he's longing for. I promise you you will be glad you did. He will want to do the same for you.