House Guest After Miscarriage??

I know what you want to hear is just confirmation of your feelings, and I do agree with you, you have been through a terrible ordeal. But at the same time, it sounds like your husband has been working through it with you and has tried to make the grandfather's trip as short as possible but he still feels obligations to his family. A big part of marriage (the biggest part) is compromise. I think it would actually do you some good to have someone visit so you aren't alone in your own thoughts for a while. You're going to be married to this man for a lifetime, his (your) family will only be in town for two days. Take this opportunity to be the hero. I know you'll feel better for it and it will help you get your mind off things for a while.

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I'm just going to tell you the first thing that popped into my head after reading your story...

Tell your hubby he is on his own when the grandpa gets there and take your daughter to a nice hotel with a pool for the weekend. It might be nice for you to have a little girls weekend of relaxation with your daughter. You tried to tell him and he didn't listen so, in my opinion, it his problem now and he can deal with it!

Sorry if it sounds harsh. I have never had a miscarriage or a family situation like yours. But, I feel for you and will pray it all goes ok, whatever you decide to do. God Bless!

T.

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J.,

I have to say that my heart breaks for you. And I understand what you are going though. We delivered our 3rd child Jody Michael on April 10th. He grew his wings an hour after being born. We knew of his condition for many months and chose to carry to term with the hope that he would survive for just a while to be showered in love.

I had a similar situation with my parents, his services were a week after he passed. My parents had known for so long that no matter what his condition was fatal. When they were on their way to AZ for his services they called to say they would be here the next day. I said “okay we have a ton of stuff to finish so we will call you when we are done” then proceeded to ask where they were staying. My mom indicated with us. She had never asked to stay with us or even broached the conversation, just assumed our door was open. I am much like your husband and have a very hard time saying no to my family. But I did draw the line, I requested that they stay at a hotel. My parents are high maintenance, they expect to be waited on when they are here and it was just more then I wanted to take on. My dad threw a fit, which left me feeling very alone.

Know that you are not wrong. Given what you have just gone through your husband should be understanding. It is not a lot to ask, but you should tell him (if I am correct) that in time you will be ready for company. If he explained to the Aunt what was going on then she would be understanding.

You do not stand alone in the loss that you have experienced. It is something no matter how long you carried your child that is heartbreaking and far more devastating then most people imagine.

Know that if you would like to talk please feel free to email me.

You can read about our journey at www.carlajoe.vox.com.

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maybe your husband needs the visit to help him cope with the loss. it seems he's done a lot to a least compromise from 1 month down to 3 days, and over a weekend when he'll be home. i think you need to talk to him about the miscarraige and his feelings, too.

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Hi J.,
I'm so glad you posted this. I am typing through my blurry tear filled eyes. I had a miscarriage the same as you. D&C two days later. Two longest days of my life. Only someone who has been there can understand the feeling of being a "walking grave" for your own child. All this happend to me two weeks after my dad died. I have another son(3 years at the time)and I ran a daycare from my house. To make matters even worse one of the moms who's children I watched (also a good friend) was pregnant too. We were only a week apart. Depression was hanging over me like a dark cloud. The only thing that got me through it were prayers and well wishes from the people who loved me. My chuch put me on the prayer chain and I have to say I could feel it. I don't know where you stand with prayer but I will pray for you as some other moms said they would too. Try not to be angry with your clueless husband. Fathers really just don't get it. They don't have the connection we moms do. He may seem heartless at times (mine did), but he doesn't know how to treat you. He knows your suffering and he wants to help, but sometimes his help make things worse. Trust me, he loves you, he is just waiting for his wife to come back. In the mean time he will often be an idiot! You can do what ever feels right for the weekend his grandpa will be there, I just wanted to talk to you about the miscarriage. You would not believe how many others have been there. Sometimes it help to know you are NOT alone!

Dear God, Please wrap your loving arms around J. and let her know her baby is safe with You. While this seems like the end of the world, remind her that You have a plan for her and her children here and in heaven. Give her a feeling of peace in knowing that she is not alone. You are there with her.

Did you feel it? You will get through this and there is so much happiness on the other side, trust me.

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First. Number One. Your husband should do as you ask if you really can't take it. Marriage is more important than any other family relationship - including parents, grandparents, and children. Number two. You should ask why he felt pressured to take his grandfather against your wishes. Maybe the reason is something you hadn't thought of. Let him know that you appreciate him being caring about his grandfather, but that your health (including mental health) is more important. Number three. If you really can't take care of him (and it could be a good thing to get your mind off it if you could manage for a few days - depending on how bad off you are), then find somewhere else for him while he is here - a hotel, or whatever. Then go over there while he is here to make sure he gets his meds and eats. Let him visit your daughter for a few minutes - at the hotel - do not let him come to your house. Number four. Have your husband go over when he gets home from work to spend time with him. Be firm about not letting the grandfather in your house. Also, let your husband that you may be able to have him at some time in the future, but now now. Assure him (your husband) of your love for him. Good luck!

big hugs to you, mama - I also had a miscarriage similiar to the situation you described. Can you ask your husband if he can do as much as possible to take his grandpa around town and be out of the house? That way you can still have some time to yourself. I know it doesn't seem fair or even right, but if your husband's grandpa already has some health issues then your husband may be wanting to spend a little time with him before things get really bad and the grandpa doesn't know him. If that makes sense at all. Your recent loss may have put in his mind - even subconsciously - the idea that life is very precious and every day is a gift so we have to embrace it (similiar to feelings you may have discovered about your daughter) so perhaps he just wants to spend that time with grandpa.

another idea is to have the grandma keep grandpa at her house - it's only for 2 nights! your husband wouldn't get to spend that time with him, which is what I think he really wants - but it would get grandpa out of your house which is what I think you need.

I am sorry if this seems disconnected - I am typing furiously while my kids sleep. :) I wanted to respond and at least tell you how sorry I am about your loss. Also, have you considered medication for the hormones/depression? I had to take some for a little bit after mine. Like you, it was about a month after that things got the worse. My doctor told me it was like post-partum depression because my body wasn't pregnant anymore - but also I didn't have a baby either so my hormones & mental state were even more unbalanced.

I recently had my second miscarriage, at about 8 weeks for both like you. You have to remember that having a miscarriage is much like giving birth. You are still changing hormonally back to your pre-pregnancy state. For me, this was a big adjustment. (You know how you have that "crying time" about 5 or so days after giving birth? Well, this is the same only 10 times worse and lasts longer!) Watch yourself for postpardum depression, especially a desire to hurt yourself or others is a sign that you need help from your physician.

I know that you just want to wallow in your grief right now(I did!)and that's okay for a while. Relax if you can and try not to worry too much about this visit from your husband's grandfather. By the end of the month, you should be feeling much better and, although you may not believe me now, you will find that it will feel good to have some distraction from thinking about what you've been through recently. Be thankful that your husband was willing to shorten the visit, and remember that your relationship with your husband is the most important one you have!

I'm sooo sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It would just be total devestation for you to have to deal with a houseguest at this point. I don't understand why your husband doesn't realize the delicate condition you are in right now. You've got to TOTALLY put your foot down to this. Let your husbands family think whatever they'd like. I'm sure if they knew what was going on with you, they would absolutely understand!!

It's a long shot, but let me have your husbands phone number. I'll give him some advice + my two cents for ya. Us women, we gots ta stick together! lol

First of all I want to say I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. I had a miscarriage in the fall - at about the same time as you and similar circumstances. I was absolutely devastated and did not want to even talk on the phone with anyone for a long time. My parents were here and they were a huge comfort, but I would not have wanted anyone else around at all. It is true women experience miscarriage so much more acutely than men and that can be really tough on a relationship. As far as the house guest. I totally understand you not wanting to host your husband's grandfather - totally valid. It does sound like plans are already so set - maybe you can figure out the best way to deal with that weekend. Can you figure out ways to be out of the house as much as possible? Maybe since your husband screwed up this whole thing he could help you to escape the house - go on endless errands, get a manicure, massage - think of this time as a time to treat yourself after such a devastation. Maybe your husband can just get take out or take on a lot of the cooking so you don't feel obligated for that. Then when there only be there with the g-pa when your husband is there so he can carry on the conversation. If he has dementia maybe he won't notice your distance. and if he does - who cares. Again, i'm so sorry about your loss. I'm pregnant again now (6 weeks) and extremely nervous about it all, so I wish you a subsequent successfull pregancy and pray for you to find peace.

Awww, I am so sad for your loss. I'm glad you're starting to feel better, but your feelings about having a houseguest are totally understandable.

I didn't read all your responses, so maybe someone suggested this. Could hubby and Grandpa go stay at a hotel somewhere nearby? I'm assuming you're in Phoenix, and I think hotels are a lot cheaper this time of year. Then you and your little one could just go visit at the hotel.

Good luck and please let us all know what happens!

I am sorry to hear what you have experienced. As for the house guest, since it is your husband's family and he will be home, I would tell him that it is his job to take care of Grandpa becuase you are just not up to it. Let your husband get the house ready and do the work that it takes to entertain, even if only for a couple of days. He will be able to get an idea of just how much work it can be and maybe next time when you say you just are not up to it, he'll understand what you are going through better. I think sometimes because we do what we do so well, and our husbands sometimes don't understand how much work it can be, they don't realize when we say no. Just let him be in charge of cooking, cleaning and reminding of medicines for the weekend and I don't think it will ever be an issue again.

I am sorry for your miscarriage and that it is taking awhile to feel back to normal. I've had a miscarriage much the same as you. My baby stopped developing at 8 weeks, but I didn't find out until 12 weeks. I also had a d&c, they made me wait all night while I had bleeding, then they at 6am they had an OR free. I went to work the next day and didn't tell my coworkers anything for a week.

I know it is difficult for you, but have you thought that your husband might want to have his grandfather over to help your husband over some issues from the miscarriage? Sometimes guys don't like to seem bothered and can't express themselves to women. It is a thought anyway.

Is it so terrible to have a guest over a weekend? Things could be worse. My husband was fired 2 weeks after our miscarriage and told that it was his fault that I had to work and that caused my miscarriage. Then we had to relocate to another town a month after our miscarriage. Let me tell you, it is very stressful to find 2 new jobs, a place to live and train your replacement.

One thing that helped me is that my husband's cousin was involved with a church with the ministry of Threads of Love, who send out a packet of compassion for mothers who have miscarried or had premature babies who didn't make it. I made a box to put a tiny hat and tiny booties and the little tiny blanket they sent. Along with a few things I purchased for the baby. They had a message taped, but I've lost it somehow. Sometimes, I get the box out and my sons and I talk about our little lost baby. My sons look thru the memorial box and ask me questions. My heart was so happy to hear my sons acknowledge and respect their baby sibling that can no longer be with us.

since it's just for a couple nights, go to payson and get a hotel and sit by the pool, read some books, walk around some shops and take a few days off. it's your husbands problem since he didn't respect you enough to respect your wishes! Good luck to you!

I had a miscarriage before the birth of my 3 healthy sons. I was devastated and felt everything you are. At least you know it is not YOU. You have a healthy daughter. Something was obviously seriously wrong, and this was nature's way of saving a seriously complicated life. Your body did what nature intended, and is now allowing you a chance to create a new, healthy life. That does not discount how you feel. Your feelings are natural, and part of the grieving process. BUT, life DOES go on. It is not fair to your family to be in a "funk" forever. You WILL go on to have other healthy children. Your husband just can't fathom why you are still grieving. And, he never will.

Maybe having his grandpa in your house will occupy your mind for awhile, and will help your process to move on. This is obviously VERY important to your husband. Maybe this will be the last time he gets to see him.....you never know. I honestly believe it will be healthy for you to bring a family member in to begin the process of life again.

You can move on...you HAVE to move on. Anything to get back to normalcy is the RIGHT thing right now. Be Strong!

I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm glad you are beginning to feel better. The part of your story I can relate to is the husband not listening or supporting you part. I have felt abandoned many times by my hubby and it usually was surrounded by pregnancy or labor or a newborn, etc. I'm sorry to hear you are not getting support during such a tough time.

If it were me, I would consider checking into a hotel for the weekend (if finances would allow). There are some GREAT rates right now because it's summer and there are some great hotels with awesome pools to play in with your little girl. Check out the Children's Museum in downtown Phx to get out of the heat. It's great for the younger kids (even my 1 year old enjoyed it). Maybe catch a kid's movie (AMC does $5 movies before noon). Tell your little girl that her and Mommy are going on an adventure!

Perhaps this sounds like tit for tat, abandoning your husband for the weekend, but if I needed to not take care of someone else, fake it, etc. as much as you say, I would leave. If I'm not being heard, then there's no point sticking around to talk. I'm sure some other mama will scold me for this line of thinking, but a short vacation might do you good.
Good luck!

First let me say that you have captured my heart in the very short time that I am reading what you have written. I am feeling like I want to reach through my computer and hug you. I cannot, so I will do the best that I can with some words. It is difficult to find a way to explain what has happened to you and your family. I am not going to tell you how to feel about it. I can tell you that I believe that your child was given to you long enough to develop a new, beautiful, and pure spirit. That spirit is needed for a purpose bigger than us. You, my dear, were chosen to help create that spirit if only for a short time. I pray you find hope in that one day you will be able to come together with that spirit again. In regard to your Grandfather, people are put into our life at times when we need them. We may not realize that we need them. In fact, it may seem like it is the last thing that you need. As difficult as it may seem, please try to be open to it. The other possibility is that he may need you. And if you have the opportunity to serve someone else, it may allow you the opportunity to get out of your own head. It can promote healing. Are you hurting? Yes. Do you need to heal? Yes. Healing comes from all places, people and things. God bless you and your family. I will be praying for you.

Hi J.,

You have every right to the feel the way you feel. Every person has the right to their own feelings; good, bad or indifferent. It's one thing to just say "no" when nothing is going but it's another when you have had something happen and specifically requested no visitors. So don't feel bad about that. How hard is it to say "no, now is not a good time". Your husband should have done that.....but some people are like that when it comes to their families.My husband can be like that sometimes with his family---not being able to tell them no, so I understand.

With that being said, I truly think your husband did try to respect you and not have him come for the entire month, and he had him come over a weekend where he could take care of him. He probably thought he was going to make everyone happy.

I agree, having him call back and change it now would make you look a certain way. Maybe I'd just deal with it. It's only for a few days, your husband can take care of him. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise; you'll be forced to out thus moving you forward from what happened. Maybe you'll go for walks at the park with your daughter, visit a family or friend......

I wish you the best. And I pray that you are one day at peace with what happened. God bless.

can you go away for a vacation while he is there? maybe a friend or someone in your family would understand the situation and take you in while your husband plays nursemaid to gramps - offer this as a suggestion to your hub and see how anxious he is to have an extended visitor - good luck

J. thank you for sharing your story and I hope you get some really good advice from Mama's out there. You have been through a very difficult and emotional situation and I hope you continue to find hope and faith as you grieve and move on in your life.

Based on what I read, I think that you are stuck with the house guest at this point so now you need to work through the situation with your husband. I would suggest sitting down at a neutral time when you are both feeling in a good mood and your daughter isn't around. If you feel yourself getting off track in the conversation stop each other and say "we have digressed, let's go back to the initial topic". Use "I feel" statements and try not to point the finger at him- that will just make him bottle up and not communicate. I know this is very difficult to do (especially since you had to endure the miscarriage and surgery), but try to be empathetic and put yourself in his shoes. Try to imagine what he may be feeling. Could his way of handling the grief be that he wants family around him? Could he be feeling a little depressed too and that is making it hard for him to be strong and say no? etc... etc...

On a totally different note, possibly you could find some compromise in the situation. Since you clearly communicated you were not up for a house guest could you use the weekend he is visiting to do somethings to pamper yourself? Since he will be visiting over a weekend, your husband should be available to do the entertaining. Possibly you can take some time to go get a pedicure, get a massage, go see a movie by yourself, go paint pottery, spend a couple of hours at the bookstore sipping a coffee drink and reading something enjoyable, etc... You wouldn't have to be gone all day and everyday, but maybe he would agree that you need sometime to yourself and that would help take the edge off the pressure to entertain.

I hope maybe this helps a little.

Wow J.. What a lot to deal with when you've already experienced so much! I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss.

This is a very difficult time for you and your husband and you both need the rest. I'm sorry that his response hasn't left you feeling more protected and comforted during this experience.

You are not being over-dramatic. This is a very tough situation. Talk with your husband again when you have both calmed down and tell him just what you've said - only simply. Men often can't hear us when we talk for long periods. Let him know that while you care for his family and want to be able to welcome them at some point you do not want any visitors in your home right now. Ask him to change the trip to another time.

I don't know your husband but I hope he respects you and calls his family to change the flight.

If he does not, ask that he book you a room at a hotel where you can stay the weekend with your daughter and have some quiet time.

You will be in my prayers as you grieve with your family.

M.

Dear J. J.,

I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Having a miscarriage is a tragic thing, and no-one can tell you how you should feel or when you should "feel better." At this point, it sounds like it is too late for you to do anything about your husband's grandfateher coming. So, my advice for you is to take a vacation of your own, with or without your daughter. Book a room at one of our local resorts, or road-trip to Sedona or Flagstaff. If you go to a local place, you should be able to get a good deal on a room, as it is the off-season. If you take your daughter, you can find a place that has a gradual-entry pool. You could leave the resort to go to the downtown Children's Museum for the morning, or to take in a puppet show at the Arizona Puppet Theater. If you go by yourself, book a massage or a mani/pedi, or both-why not? Tell your husband that you appreciate that he wants to spend time with his grandfather, but right now you need to focus on yourself, so that's what you are going to do. Then, my friend, DO IT! You must show your husband that you meant what you said, or this will happen again in the future. You deserve some relaxation time-maybe his grandfather coming is a gift to you-it opens up the way for you to take a break and soothe your spirit.

I wish you all good things, and send you healing thoughts.

A.

It sounds like you're trapped and he's coming. For the sake of the living family you have left and your marriage you should probably work on forgiving your husband and make the best of it, take comfort in the fact that he reduced your sentence from a month to a weekend so he is trying. Since he had the overwhelming desire to have the houseguest, you should tell him you're pretty depressed about the loss of your child and you need help getting the house ready for his grandfather. For him there has been no change, you look the same as you always have. I understand the feeling of being alone, I sometimes feel like I've been alone in all childbearing and child raising activities for the past 9 years, sometimes my husband is really clueless. Your husband will be home while his grandfather is there and you should rely on him to take care of most of his needs. You can always bring your daughter in your room and play by yourself. Maybe your husband can take his grandfather out. This too shall pass.

I am so sorry for your loss and I think it's very reasonable to not be up to house guests for a while. I think this is especially true for a guest that will require so much care. I had to have surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy in May and am just starting to feel 'normal.' You NEED time to recover. Is there a mutual friend that can help your husband to understand this, or a family member? Have you tried talking with his aunt that is trying to book the tickets - maybe telling her what has happened and while you would like to have grandpa visit, the timing is not right for you. Set a date for a few months from now to check in and possibly set a date for grandpa's visit.

Now just isn't the time. You NEED to take care of YOURSELF and your child and that's a hard enough job at this point. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

I have never gone through what you have gone through, but i would do the same thing. I would not want anyone over. When i had to have a partial hysterectomy (not by choice), i felt that way, not wanting anyone around, just trying to heal on my own time with no issues or other things to think about besides my son.

After reading your issue with your husband allowing his grandpa to come, without really consoling to your wants and needs that you are needing, i would not be there the weekend his grandpa comes. i would do something just for me, like a weekend spa resort, or whatever you are into. Maybe even take my son, go to the Butte's and have my own vacation, and leave my husband to care for his grandfather himself. Econonics times may be tough, (not sure on your finances) but it would be worth it to show you meant it when you wanted to be by yourself, and not around anyone right now.

That is what i would do.

Good Luck, and hope things get better for you.

J.,
It sounds like you may need a break from thinking of what has happened to you. You will not be able to think yourself into being okay with what has happened - it will take time. After my first D&C, it was important for me to 'get out of myself'. Physically, psychologically, and emotionally it ia draining and I needed to rest at first, but eventually, I needed to become part of the living again, and the best way for me to do that was to contribute to someone else's life because mine did not make much sense. I'm sure you have a beautiful home and a beautiful family - and what a blessing to be able to share it with someone who really sounds like he needs some nuturing. Your husband is just trying to do the right thing - he is hurting too. The big picture includes family members who are not always so pleasant - it is in dealing with these situations that we learn to tolerate all of the challenges within a home - painful, frustrating, joyful, etc......
You will get through this, and you will all be a stronger family because of it.
Please consider being selfless for the duration of his stay. I promise you that your loving him without expectations of his behavior will prove to be a healing experience.

Wow, I feel like I know you and just want to give you a hug. I have never had a Misscarriage but imagine I would feel the same way you do. I feel you have every right to be upset. I dont know what advice to give with your husband since I would probably grin and bear it (since they already have the ticket) and journal any negative feelings. He already knows how you feel about it and still did it; so I think if you keep talking about it, it will just lead to more fights. At least grandpa has a plane ticket home! Maybe if you told his Aunt she will understand and make other arrangements for grandpa. Sorry about that.

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. I'm sure it was devastating, and I am truly sorry for your loss. I'm sorry you are in this position, feeling like your husband hasn't listened to you and has done what you asked him NOT to do.

That being said, he did, obviously, tell his grandpa that he could not stay an entire month. So, he did hear you (which is HUGE). BUT, if he is truly close to his grandpa, he might really want to spend time with him. Maybe that's why he's coming to stay during a weekend, so they can spend some time together? It sounds like that to me, being on the outside looking in. They've definitely made accommodations with you in mind - you won't be alone with him and it's only for two days, during a weekend.

Maybe you can suggest that your husband plan some activities for him, his grandpa and your daughter? Maybe they can all go to a movie together, or the new aquarium? Maybe they just all GO somewhere together, and give you some time to yourself?

I realize this is a really tough time for you. And you really are going through some major devastation. But your husband was willing to compromise - grandpa's not staying the entire month, but your husband obviously DOES want to spend some time with him. You need to respect your husband's wishes also. Suggest that your husband and his grandpa go out to dinner one night, maybe catch a matinee movie, take your other child somewhere. At least it might keep them out of the house, and you won't have so much to "handle".

I hope you can work through your heartbreak. I'll keep you in my prayers.

I am sorry for your loss. I too have been there.

But to come to your husbands defense you wrote: "He says that he thought that I just didn't want to be alone with his grandpa during the week while my husband was at work. I told him that it was not what I had said... I had said that I was not up for having a houseguest no matter who it was or for how long."

I honestly think he was telling you what "he" heard you say. He was most likely thinking that if he is home the entire time of the visit then it would take the stress off of you while having a houseguest over and that he would be there to take care of his grandfather instead of you.

Please, it is only for 3 days and that is not very long to be able to take your mind off of things for just a small break. It might make you happy to see your daughter play with her "Great Grandfather". It will also be good for him to see his "Great Granddaughter". Life is precious and sometimes too short as you well know.
Time does heal the hurt but will never replace the memory. Heal yourself and know that your baby is now with God. God Bless

Hi! First of all let me say how sorry I am for your loss, you take as long as you need to do whatever you need to do!! You dont need to do anything for your houseguests, you are healing yourself and taking car eof your baby! Try taking some walks long hot showers just loving yourself and sweet baby! Im sure your husband is sad too, but he can deal with his family! Do not be scared to say to him and anyone eles for that matter that you are sad you are upset and dont feel up to heart to hearts or cooking for them!! Simple as that tell your husband to take some time off of work and take care of you!!! Everything will get better xoxo

I think that you should go ahead and let your hubbys grandfather visit. Time is so precious and you may not have this opportunity again. Doesn't sound like its a long while. Have hubby be the main help for his grandfather. THat way if you need to go into a different room or even leave the house for a time, you can feel free to do so. Maybe even have him take you all out to dinner. I don't think it's right to leave your husband for the weekend just because you may feel he is not respecting your feelings. You know, guys don't feel what we do when there is a miscarriage, the loss isn't the same for them. Your feelings are legit, your baby was a part of you and was just as real a person to you from day one. I found out when I was 19weeks that our baby had died at 17 weeks, I was devastated. My husband seemed to recoop so much faster than I emotionally did. This was 10 years ago, and the loss is still hard for me. It's okay for you to still grieve your loss, just keep finding your joy in the wonderful family that you have right now. Lord Bless.

I agree with the other postings... The visit with the grandfather may really help you in your own hurt. I understand how difficult a miscarriage can be - I've had 2. So I totally sympathize with your loss. Qur emotions can take us over if we are not careful. Sometimes the healing lies in taking care of someone outside of ourselves. Like the other mothers have noted, I believe that your husband is hurt as well. And maybe seeing his grandfather is part of his healing process. When I had the miscarriages I was more emotional than my husband. However, he was probably more traumatized than me. It still bothers him to this day whereas it doesn't bother me as much any more. So don't ask your husband to not have his grandfather come out - especially if he is not in good condition. Instead, if you are incapable of the visit, go out and relax on your own during the stay. And share your heart with your husband and allow him to communicate that to his family. I am certain that this whole situation will work out for the best.

Fist let me say how sorry I am for your loss. As someone who has had two miscarriages since March (my first at 13 weeks and the second at 8) I can safely say that you are not over reacting. I also had a D&C with my first one and besides the physical trauma of everything, it's so much more emotional than men will or can ever understand. It's a healing process with no time limits. Your husband needs to understand that. He also needs to know that you can or may be suffering from post-partum depression which is normal. Your body is still trying to adjust back to normal. I would be furious at my husband if he didn't respect my wishes. Time may have passed for others and they may have gotten over the miscarriage but they need to remember that you haven't and that's it's still a nagging feeling in your stomach. I still have "bad" days (especially when I’m out in public and it seems like every woman I see is either pregnant or has a little baby) and I have girlfriends who had miscarriages over a year ago and still have hard days with it sometimes. So in short, make him change the plans. If the family is mad at you oh well. They'll have to get over it and if they can't understand that you're still grieving then they need to wake up!

I would not want to care for someone else after going through that. But, if it is only for the weekend, and your husband would be there the whole time, maybe it wouldn't be too bad. I don't know. Depends on how much your hubby helps around the house. Maybe you can just spend the time with your daughter (take her somewhere for an outing if possible) and leave your hubby alone with grandpa? I agree if it would be just you and him you should not have to do anything...but maybe a few days would be ok and then it would be over with. Not sure. My heart goes out to you, I also had a miscarriage before my son was born and it was the same situation-the fetus died at 8 weeks and I didn't know until almost the 12th week. Take care.

Oh honey, I absolutely feel your pain! I have lost two baby boys at 7 and 8 months gestation (their little hearts just stopped beating). Your body, mind and soul are going through something incredibly painful and awful. It will take months to get your hormones back into synch and stop feeling like you are pregnant. You are so brave to have going this alone and putting on a brave face most of the time.

Please don't lash out at your husband over this. He made a horrible mistake in not validating your feelings 100%. His grandfather should not be on your turf for a moment if you are not up to it. But men are able to compartmentalize and function differently than women. Your husband can put aside his grief and focus on having a visitor. Men just don't understand why we can't do the same. Our brains are wired so differently and the grief and pain are there underlying all that we do for a while.

I would go to my husband again, insist that he make his grandfather change his travel plans or else book you a room for the weekend at a hotel where you can read, swim and relax alone (he can take care of his grandfather and your daughter by himself). Put your foot down that you are simply not up to this and need to rest and relax in your safe zone. If he is choosing to let his grandfather come he needs to provide you with another safe zone for the weekend.

My prayers and best wishes are with you during this horrible time. I am so very sorry for your loss.

Trust me I hear your pain. BUT I think having Grandpa there will help you pass the time and get out of this funk. Thinking of someone elses needs might be good. He wont be around forever. How old is he? You should really give him a chance to come be with his family, I would give anything to have my Grandpa here. I dont have one Grandparent left all of them have died. I do feel bad that you have to deal with a house guest at this time. I understand not feeling heard by your husband. Men are mostly that way. Try really hard to let this help you out of your depression. I know the best thing would be for to have your time to heal. Im sorry I know this hurts bad. I have gone through this myself. I say myself because your right I dont think men really understand how bad this hurt. Trust me this might help you. Good luck and try to enjoy Grandpa. C.

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't think you're overreacting at all. I agree with the other posts....I would look into booking yourself a hotel for a weekend retreat during that weekend.

First, I have to say I am so sorry for your loss. I've had a miscarriage with about the same timing as yours. The baby stopped growing at 9 weeks, we found out at our 12 week check up and I had a d&C. I love my husband dearly, but there is no way they can understand, it is something that just can't be explained.
As far as the g-pa situation. It wouldn't surprise me that when you told your husband "I can't handle it right now" he thought, that by doing it on a weekend he would be there so you wouldn't have to handle it. Now, I know, whenever there is someone in the home, the woman has to handle it, it is just a difference (like someone else responded with) in how we think. I would go back to your husband, when you both are calm. Some others have suggested that you get away while g-pa is here, I would agree with that only if it would be truly relaxing for you. Rather than just flat out saying no, he cannot come, would you be comfortable giving your husband the option (and don't do it like an ultimatum, try your best for a conversation not a fight) anyways, give him the option, tell him that you are not up to anyone staying, weekends or not, if g-pa is going to come, then you will need to be away to handle it. One other thought, can you call the aunt and tell her the reason why you aren't up to a guest right now? I would try to talk to your husband first and and offer to him, if he doesn't want to tell the family no, that you would make the phone call to the aunt.
Good luck, please let us know how it works out, you are in my prayers.

saying sorry for you loss i know is not sufficent enough but i am truly sorry. i suffered a miscarraige also at 8wks and i know how hard it is. it to be my first baby. i was told the same thing that there was no heart beat and that the baby had just stopped growing, i too had the d&c because my doctor stated it would be best.i was in shock and i could see the disappointment in my husbands face when we were told but after the initial shock on his face he seemed okay. at one point i did ask him if he felt anything at all because all i could do was cry all the time and he told me that his way of coping was to keep busy.we each had our way of coping mine was crying and staying in bed and his keeping busy he also said he didn't know how to help me cope with the miscaraige. you have to do what feels right for you. if not wanting to be around anyone is how you feel then that is your right. you he and your child are your family all others are an extention of that family. i wouldn't recommend leaving but do let him know that how you feel and that you need time for you and your family to heal,that you need your space. let him be responsible for his grandfather and the house hold and let him know that you are going to be taking you time and include your daughter, holding and spending time with your daughter i believe will help you achieve that.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss! I've had two miscarriages. One at 12 weeks and one at 5 weeks! You do need time to heal and there is nothing wrong with you needing your privacy from guests. Especially needy guests. Continue to be open with your husband...