Looking for Supportive Advise

Im struggling with this issue right now! I dont think we are crazy at all. It is a change, a big one, going from "young childbearing age woman" to "woman with kids" at least that has been hard for me. It is always hard when a chapter is closing. But only after a chapter has closed can a wonderfully new and exciting chapter be opened. I am thinking of the exciting things I can do with my family, watching my children grow, playing games, vacationing, living. It's OK. It will be OK. I will probably go through this emotion when my babies leave for college and the rearing chapter is closed. But then I can look forward to the grandbaby chapter!!! Hang in there!

Totally normal! It is just the thought of a "permanent" birth control. It is scary to think, "This is it? I won't have any more precious little babies?" I am in the same boat in that I know it is best not to have anymore, but a teeny tiny part of me wants one more. But, I have SIL and best friend that are trying, so that will fulfill my babyfever when it comes around!

Not crazy, just normal. This is an important question: What constitutes "enough?" Since another child will have a significant impact on all family members, does considering that choice in light of what's best for your whole family make an "emotional" difference for you?

It's SO normal to feel that twinge of longing. Nature, and culture, and our individual histories, conspire to make us willing to endure pregnancy, childbirth, the demands of babies, lack of sleep, etc. So, if that urge wasn't strong in us, the human race would probably have died out long ago. Many, many women, probably most of us, stop having babies while still longing for more. Among all my lifelong acquaintances, there are far more women who would gladly HAVE more children, but realize their families and/or circumstances can't reasonably accommodate them. (Nor can the world sustain the rising human population for much longer – many scientists and social scientists worry that we've already reached a tipping point.)

How to cope? Longing will probably always be there to some degree, rising and falling with your hormones and social pressures. It can become a huge part of our self-identities, especially as we gradually become consumed by the needs of our children.

But you CAN shift your attention. Ah, the many, many blessing of a smaller family! You CAN decide not to dwell on what you don't have. This is the "secret" to contentment of all the women I know who would gladly be pregnant again, and again, and again…, and yet are content and joyful with what they do have. Contentment is a state of mind, and to a very large degree, it can be chosen. I chose to stop with one daughter, for good, practical reasons. I never regretted the babies I didn't have, because I took such delight in the one I did have.

And our minds can override just about anything our bodies tell us. Or else people wouldn't be able to to diet, to run marathons, to overcome crippling accidents, to surrender needed sleep to meet the needs of a new baby, to quit addictive habits. Choosing to override your longing for another baby is one of the things your mind can do, if you decide to. It's a choice.

One final observation: There is that longing and regret many women feel for not having one, or two, or three more children. And, contrary to the "common wisdom," I have also known quite a few moms (and dads) in my several decades of life who ended up regretting having more children. Health problems in parent or child, a change of circumstance, loss of job or home, even a neurologically challenged child have been contributing factors. These moms and dads loved all their children, of course, but nevertheless, in quiet, honest moments, wished that one of those children had never been born – a terrible emotional burden for the parents, and sometimes for the child, as well.

I wish you peace, J.. I hope you find a way to accommodate the choices open to you, and be happy.

I was 41 when our daughter was born and my husband was 48. He had a vasectomy about 6 weeks after her birth. I'd known all along that she was going to be my one and only. But there is something so "final" about that procedure, that it's normal to grieve. A wise woman once told me "just because you grieve, does not mean it was a wrong decision". It was absolutely the right decision for us, and I did grieve, for a little while.

I think it's normal to mourn making it permanent, even if you know you are done.

I totally relate - and NO, you are not crazy (unless I am too)! We have two kids, a 5-year-old boy and a 3-year-old girl. I'm almost 37, and we knew pretty much right after our daughter was born that two kids was plenty for us - especially having "one of each," haha!

We talked for AGES about my husband getting a vasectomy. He finally did it this past November. When he called me to tell me it was all done, I started bawling. You are so right, it's just the finality of it all. I didn't feel like I wanted another one until he got the vasectomy! It is a weird, sad, empty feeling.

But I reminded myself that I have two wonderful children, and even though the baby stages are behind me, everything is new to them all the time. There's just as much magic when they're walking and talking as when they're newborns.

Plus, I doubt we could afford it - and we have no more bedrooms! Ha!

Good luck to you with making your decision. Remember, there is no "right" answer!

Jen
www.morethanmothers.com

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I don't think you are crazy at all.

My husband got a vasectomy when our son was 8 months old. We knew it was what we wanted, to have one child, and we knew we weren't equipped in life to have a second child. (Home-size or economics.) And I knew, after having 3 miscarriages before having my son, that I really didn't want to get pregnant again. In some ways, I felt we were cashing out of Vegas with our winnings in hand, without going broke.

But there have been other days, too, that I wonder how nice it would be to have another healthy, full-term baby. I loved being pregnant and laboring, giving birth. I loved being a mom to a baby.

I don't think we are ever *all* one way or the other. We make these decisions for our own good. They aren't fun. Maybe you and your husband could have a "we're done having kids" date after his 6 week follow-up and just live in the moment with the feelings you are having. It's okay to feel mixed up, to know that some decisions are 'for the best', and still feel a twinge of regret, because you know how great having kids can be.

And I'm sending you a hug, because I know it feels like the end of an era. Try to focus on how great an era it's been, and how neat it's going to be to move into a new part of life. Always hard to say "I'll never do that wonderful thing again"....

Regardless of what you actually want (which durn well may be another child) BE PREPARED for this exact same wash of emotions (I've nicknamed it "baby cravings") apx every 2 years like clockwork. It's a hormonal thing that most women go through every 18mo to 36 months, tending to last for 1-6 months.

You can really tell baby cravings apart from wanting another child because they focus on infancy to toddlerdom. It's not the adding and entire complete person to the family kind of thing but: snuggles, new baby smell, little hands, big eyes, holding someone in your arms, babbling, rocking, tiny clothes, nursing... all the little hallmark card "baby" things. In fact, you may even find yourself doing "baby talk" as you're thinking about these things / getting overly strict or cranky with your older children.

Hormones suck.

((It may sound awful, but I've found baby animals scratch that "itch". They're just as annoying as baby people -I mean this in the best way, loss of sleep/ pee everywhere, having to train them not to destroy the house- but the annoyance part is soooooo short... but the snuggly bits last and last and last.))

Now you may well actually want to add another person to your family. I would suggest waiting 6 months and reevaluating to see if it's the massive hormone pull, or if it's something that really needs to be brought to the table with your husband.

Hi J., you are not crazy. However, may I be a different voice then all the other answers received. My husband of almost 15 years and I have 1 child, an 11 year old daughter. She is an only not by our choice, but by God's Will. I came off the pill about 1.5-2 years before she was born and will never touch it again. We were directed by a friend to seek out NFP - Natural Family Planning and that is what we have been using since 1998.

NFP is wonderfully simple and 100% ecological. All you do is monitor your natural fertility and make your decision on whether to have another child our your own personal data. There is no medical waste as with surgeries, no hormones leeching into the environment as with the pill, patches etc, no extra trash from condoms to fill the overflowing landfills.

My personal data has also been very useful to my doctor in helping to diagnose why my periods have been so erratic.

We as a society have been trying to cure everything including our natural systems which should never be 'cured'. This is a way to go back to truly being ecological and working with the land.

I personally know a Teaching Couple in Derry, NH - Contact me privately for their information and they can help you. Also check out ccli.org.

J. M.

You are sooo NOT crazy!!!

This is typical and NORMAL. Sit back and find out if you can afford another child. Ask your hubby what he wants.

Get it all in black and white - that usually helps most women - having it in black and white - seeing it - knowing it.

I KNEW I was done having babies 6 years ago when I lost 2 babies in one year - one at 20 weeks and the other at 12 weeks. I just had a hysterectomy on 7 Feb and know I made the right decision for me and my family. I had other health issues as well, but the bottom line was this - WE WERE DONE!! Do we want more? yes. but we knew I couldn't mentally handle losing another baby. Our boys want a baby sister or two - we may consider adopting but as for MY BODY? we are done!

I'm giving you HUGS right now - as I do understand. You BOTH feel you are good - but the mommy in you - well, she wants one more! HUGS! HUGS! HUGS!!!

I totally understand how you feel.
I felt the same way after I had no choice but to have a hysterectomy when my son was a year old. My kids are 10 years apart and I was hoping I could be on a "roll" in the baby department, but it wasn't meant to be for me.
I think that already having a baby in the house just seems to make us want another one even more.
Heck, I'm 48 and my youngest is 15. I still feel like I would have another baby if I could.

My daughter is 24 now and expecting her first baby so I get to look forward to that.
You're not crazy, but you'll get through this.
I actually know many women that felt relieved after their husbands had vasectomies. They felt a lot freer in the bedroom knowing they didn't have to worry about getting pregnant.

Your health is the main thing to think of. I also think your husband is sweet to offer to take care of things on his end to make things better for you.
You'll be 53 when your youngest is 18 so that's another thing to consider.
Your oldest will be 30. You and your husband might be looking forward to being free to travel and do more things together as a couple at that point.

Just my opinion and something to consider.

Best wishes!

No you aren't crazy. Having a new baby around is a wonderful thing.

Your not crazy. I am certainly kinda in the same situation. We have an 11, 7 and 18 month old. I am not on the pill and though my husband has said that he will go get an vasectomy, he has not. I too, am sad to think that I won't or shouldn't have another and at the same time, paranoid about getting pregnant again.

I wish you the best of luck with this J.. When I had a c-section with my third, my doctor asked if I wanted my tubes tied. I couldn't do it and it was all about the finality of never having another child and being thrilled and thankful for the one I just had had. You are certainly not alone.

I know exactly where you are coming from. I am 42, feel my family is complete, my youngest is 8 yo and my husband is done but I still could not do anything that permanent. Good luck in your decision.

Not crazy. It seems to be a natural phase to have to go through, deciding that you are done. It is harder on some than others for sure. Can you focus on the fun times that you can look foward to once your 2 y/o can...travel, be potty trained, go without naps, etc...each stage seems more fun than the next (Mine are NOT teens yet!!) so try to focus on that. We also got 2 dogs, and that reminds me how much work puppies can be (let alone an infant) Hope that you can both find middle ground.

You're not crazy, but I want to just add something to what Julia M. said about NFP. I think NFP is great in the right situation, namely if you do get a "surprise", will both you AND your husband both be ok with it?
My parents used NFP, which worked fine for years, but she became pregnant at 45 (when I was 23 and my brother was 20). My mother was thrilled, but my father was not. I think he had already been looking at retirement not being too far off and being able to travel, and then suddenly had to think about sending one more child to college in the future. It all ended up ok, but it put quite a lot of strain on the marriage for a while.
Best of luck with whatever you decide :)