Uncontrollable Teenage Boy

Hi K.
We went through this same problem with both my nephews. The eldest is now 20 yrs old, never finished high school because he refused to do the homework. We finally got him into Job Core where he is finishing off the last three credits (can you believe he was only 3 credits short to be able to graduate?) and working on getting an associates degree...
My youngest nephew has always had a difficult time finishing projects from school, has hated homework since the beginning. Because he lied to us and kept telling us that he finished his homework in the Homework Assistance Program - through his school held after school, they flunked him in eighth grade. So instead of sending him back to eighth grade so that he can ace the test but be held back a second year because homework is considered 80% of their grade, I started home schooling him at 9th grade level. Thats when my frustration started.... I couldn't get him to do anything unless I sat right beside him and walked him through each step of the way. I found this difficult to do and still deal with my house, my 2 yr old and 4 yr old. About halfway through the year, I enrolled him in an alternative school. I went in and told them that he needs classes that do not require homework. He passed his classes with 3-"A"s 1-"B" and 1-"C". He was thrilled that he only has 5 classes, and they did not require him to do work outside the classroom. He insisted that he return to this school again this year. They say that if he keeps his grades up that he will be able to graduate a year earlier-I am hoping that if he is able to graduate a year or two earlier that they will get him in the Jump Start program so that instead of getting out of school when he is 16-17 years old that he will start taking college level classes and at least get an associates degree.
So, I guess my suggestion would be to look into the alternative schools in your area. Maybe he isn't being challenged enough, or maybe he just feels overwhelmed in all the work they give them through the schools. Homeschooling is also an alternative, but he really needs to be sold on the idea first. I homeschool my almost 6 year old and find it very rewarding, but not everyone is cut out to homeschool (like my nephew) and an alternative school was the best thing I could do for him.
T. C

I took a Love & Logic Parenting Class because my son has ADHD and I'm a single mom & it has helped me so much.
You can buy books online at Barnes & Noble or at the store.
I am now a Love & Logic paren and when I say that in schools, they are always so glad. They know what that means because a lot of teachers are love & logic teachers.
So...When my son wouldn�t do his homework, what was suggested in the book on that topic was for me to say "I'll love you no matter how many years it takes you to pass the 5th grade", My son about craped his pants, I no longer did the worrying for him, and I thought to my self (I will love him no matter how long it takes and I'm ok holding him back if that�s what he needs, better him learn to take initiative or suffer the natural consequence now than later), The words were out of love and understanding that the 5th grade might be too much for him and not out of a threat.
The book teaches parents what is out problem to solve and what is the Childs problem to solve, that the child is asked to solve there own problem's and suffer the natural consequences of their decisions. My son isn't perfect but the books have helped me to put the situation into perspective and it's saved my sanity, My son bumps into lots of walls and dead ends in his life and I get to give lots of love and sympathy and be there for him, (oh that�s so sad, what are you going to do about it), I let him know when I have advise but he has to ask for it before I tell him what it is.
I can�t say enough about the program, its wonderful. Check out http://www.loveandlogic.com . It�s worth a look.
Read this story, Its great: http://www.loveandlogic.com/pdfs/option.pdf

I agree with what Julie says about Love and Logic. My daughter who is now 16 got bored with school about 2 years ago, because her IQ was above those around her. So we looked for a program that would help her be able to learn at her own pace. In Washington it is called CAPS, but I understand they have one is Missoula that is called something else. Anyway the jist is They go to school and complete their credits according to their own pace. My daughter Lavina is now doing 2 years of high school in one year. The only thing she struggles with is math so she takes longer with that than with History or English or her other classes. It works well for her. So maybe check to see if your son is bored with school or the other way check and see if he has a slight learning disability or ADHD or even just determine if it is a natural part of his growth. Once you have determined these things the love and logic approach will work alot better, because you will have determined what is causing the behavior so you can make a better logical consequence. :) Good Luck :)

HI K.,

First let me commend you on caring so much for your child, that you are concerned with his grades and attitude. It comes so easily for some parents to ignore an issue or denie that there could be some problems with our own children. It's so much easier to comment on other children but not our own.
Having read your only other response I can't wait to look into the program that Julie recommends.

I have a 12 year old that has been diagnosed with ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder. This was diagnosed at 6 years old, so it is nothing new to me. We live in Nevada and having placed my child in 6th grade last year, she ran into many obsticles. She is also has severe exercised induced asthma. I had been called tothe school 2-3 times a week to deal with her asthma. The ambulance only had to be at the school for one of those occasions but thats more than enough. Needless to say her PE was 3 rd period and she would miss 4,5,6 period 2-3 times a week. This would cause her to fall behind and when I asked about homework, well, she never had any. I had enough. I was in the process of getting her into a child psychiatrist and the school teachers had to fill out evaulation checklists to determine behavior at school. This only took me 4 months because of the "helpfulness" of the teachers and school system. Finally by the last week of the school year, i had a meeting regarding her individual evaluation plan. This is a recommendation that I would suggest. The school counselors, teachers, principle, dean and other members of the school were there for a 1 hour meeting. Granted I was not too happy being at the end of the year but that put us ahead of the game this year. What will happen is
1. Your childs IQ will be tested, this was not helpful for me because she was above level on the iq testing. Great for her but your IQ doesn not get you a job. She did not qualify for special education but would be in a tutoring class prior to school and needs to have a tracking sheet filled out every day by each teacher in her classes. They will let me know when tests are planned, exactly what homework is required and how her studies and behavior is in class. Ok, she's not thrilled with it but so far, it's working. Nevada believes in passing your child until they get into high school, then if they don't pass the classes, they start holding them back or denie credits. I have no problem with not passing them due to failure but who is failing? The child or the school system. If you do not recieve enough credits in high school they will either keep you back, make you repeat the course or not graduate you. I think this sucks!!!!! Nevada sets up our children to either fail highschool or quit because they are so far behind that nothing makes sence. I would insist that your school have your child evaluated. Its called IEP (individual evaulation plan) This can be repeated 4-5 times a year if you feel it necessary. Not that the schools would be happy with you! I would find out if your school has a tracking sheet. This could be established before the IEP even takes place. Just yesterday, I placed a note on the tracking sheet about an upcoming test that Deanna "claimed" to have no information to study. Too bad for her, the teacher supplied me with the study sheet and I can keep up on things. She does not appreciate the invasion of privacy or the fact that most of her teachers know me by name. I have a personal relationship with the school nurse (wasn't my chioce but she was considered the worst asthmatic in school last year) out of 6,7 & 8 grade. We also have a wonderful program that if you have internet access (dah) we can pull all records for all classes and it is updated weekly. This lists all scores of homework, daily class work and unturned in assigments. THis is a program that has only been in effect for the second year. I would find out if your childs school has anything similar. That way when I am at work, I can look at last weeks grades and find out if we have any concerns. THis is easier than finding out 1 week before midterm testing. If they don't pass the midterm test (which usually accounts for 1/4 to 1/2 grade.) Then they will not give them the credits for the course.

Stand firm in your convictions! Continue to thank God that about not having a worse teenager that does worth things. Sometimes in our time of need, it's hard to remember the good things we have.
Do not expect your child to be all gunhoe about your involvement. I did not appreciate my Mother until 5 years after moving out. Now I'm 35 and we have an ausome relationship! (As long as we don't have to live together) We are very much alike, and that seems to be our biggest problem right now.

Last but not least.... Have you considered counseling? Sometimes its easier to discuss our problems &/or concerns with a stranger. Or atleast someone with impartial judgment.

Counseling is something that can move mountains if you find the right person. Do not get discourraged, get mad, then get the problem or concern talked over with the school. Maybe a guidence counselor or school psychologist. If that does not work, go to the Dean, then principle, then the school board. What ever it takes. And yes, this is an exhastive process.
Good luck and god bless!

H. B.

I have to say that his lack of desire to do his school work is not what I consider uncontrollable...He may be bored. Does he Hate school...sorry, of course he does if he is a normal teenager. heehee Well, 1st of all, I would have to hand it over. It is HIS responsibility to get an education. He may have to fail. Whatever it takes to build character. You could "recommend that he maybe do some correspondence on the internet.Take classes that he is interested in. Get out of school earlier if that is what it takes....Relate to him, explain that you didn't care for school either but, unfortunately it is neccesary.There are so many things that this boy could be doing to make your life miserable.Believe me, I have been a foster mom to teenagers.....Give him some power and stop coddling him. He is on his way to being a man and needs to accept that he will be the 1 to suffer for the choices he makes. I'm not saying stop caring. As Dr Phil would say, "How is what you are doing working for you?" Now try some tough love.... He is rebelling from your husband because he is more thatn likely angry and a bit jealous.... I am assuming that it was just the 2 of you before your husband came along... Now he shares you with 3 other kids and a man.I have a 16 yr old biological daughter and you were descibing her in your letter. She also attempted suicide, was rebelling and living a lie...claiming to be "into God" so that I would not suspect how miserable she was.It all boiled down to the rejection from her biological Father. So you see, I DO understand and I would like to see you repair your relationship, enjoy these years with him and you will look back and be thankful for the choices you made....You know they are going to blame us for everything that ever went wrong in their lives anyway...wink wink...Good Luck!Email me if you'd ____@____.com

I'm in a similar situation with my 13 yr old 8th grader. He is terribly disrespectful and his anger is not very controlled. (it's controlled to the point that he doesn't strike out every time he's angry and he thinks that's good enough...) A difference for me is that he has this little game now where he puts on an act at home pretending to be "the good son" when in reality he likes acting poorly at school and any time he isn't around me... I'm not married and it's only the 4 of us at home...I have another son who is 7 and a daughter who is 4.

OH how i know what u are dealing with ... I have a 16 year old who is same way .. to the T ... so any advise would be much helpful .. I have also tried everything take away stuff grounding u name it i have done it . I keep thinking as he grows it will change and um no not happening so pls help us !!!