Uncle Too Affectionate?

Wow, you can see that this question hit a nerve by all of the responses. Grandmother Lowell probably said it best. My husband's family never hugs or says, "I love you." My family always does. Over the years my husband has gotten used to the idea that my brother and sisters will hug him, etc. I'd have the "safe touch" talk individually and as a family. Hopefully that will ease dad's mind and you will confirm that all is well with uncle.

R.,

Should you be concerned? Yes,definately and always . But concern is NOT the same thing as suspicion.

I have a 47 y.o. son who absolutely adores his 3 y.o. nephew and spends an enormous amount of time with him. Carries him around on his shoulders hours on end, takes him out to the fields to pick berries and chase butterflies, took him to a county fair last week.
I can see from my son that the child , in his heart, is the son he thinks he will never have.
I had a great uncle (died a bachelor) who babysat myself and my brothers, ( did the diaper thingy and all, in the nineteen and forties then) He was very affectionate, always hugging and kissing all of us and even when we were teens, same thing. He babysat my small son occasionally as well, in the nineteen and sixties. In his heart, we were the children he never had.
Not every childless bachelor who loves children is a child molester.

These bachelor uncles and spinster aunts can really dote on their nieces and nephews. And the chilren are blessed to have any sort of extended family who loves them that much these days of shattered families. As are the childless aunts and uncles blessed to have these children to pour their love upon.

Remember the biggest percentage of pedophiles originates with them being molested themselves. Was anyone in your husbands family molested by family members? Or by anyone else outside and close to the family? Does your husband base his thoughts on experience. Ask him. Watch his eyes when he answers.
That being said, the possibility exists. It always exists.
And you cannot be too careful these days.

As a mother of seven and grandmother of 14, and greatgrammie of one, I should think when the eight year old thinks he is too old for hugs and kisses he will simply say so and accept a hug or hair ruffling instead. Usually around age 11 that happens.

You should ask your son if anyone has ever touched him inapporpriately. NOT naming any names but using a general question.
At the same time using the moment to teach him it is not ok and not right for anyone to touch his body in a way that is private or makes him uncomfortable and he should tell you or his dad if that ever happens to him. When you tell him this also tell him you know it would be very hard for him to come to you with such things but it is very important that he does.

I repeat, DO NOT using the Uncle's name and do NOT say, someone like his uncle) as that would , perhaps, cause the child to become defensive and secretive besides perhaps casting aspersions on an innocent loving uncle and a beautiful loving relationship.

I do believe you would see "signs" if there were anything going on . You would see behavioral changes in your eight year old. Acting out, changes in sleep patterns, eating patterns,wetting the bed maybe, if he does not previously. The way he interacts with his 20 month old brother. Even you and his dad. And most significantly, he would want to avoid his uncle. Would run to his room when he came, would not want to be with him alone, ect.

Could your husband be a teensy bit jealous that his brother has the time to spend with his boys that he doesnt have? Buys them things that he, himself, cannot afford ? Does he find it difficult to express affection to the boys? Does he have a preset notion that the eight year old should be "manning up" at that age? How does your husband feel about his brother? How is their relationship?
Ask him. Ask him if his suspicions maybe have some sort of origin.
Relationships can become very complicated.

You are never wrong for being concerned about your son's welfare in that regard. Little boys are molested as often as little girls are and its mostly up to Mum's to be very , very careful to keep them safe from the possibility.
That being said, would it not be a horrible shame to destroy a loving relationship with a beloved uncle based on suspicion?

Children are sorta like themometers ..its been my experience in 63 years of child raising, started with three younger siblings at nine years old..that when something is amiss, you would see the mercury rise right away.

Have a talk with your oldest, always keep the lines of communication open so he can feel comfortable talking with you about such (and every) subject. I think it would be wrong to summarily dismiss your husband's feelings on this subject without a bit of "investigation". You know your son, oftimes Mum can tell more from what a child does not say than from what they do say.

Open communication is extremely important in raising children, perhaps one of the most important things you can do. Talk to each child every day especially discussing feelings. With seven children I took the time for each one privately every day even if for just a few minutes. Kids need to know you are accessible and listening to THEM exclusively. They need to know they need not be afraid to tell you anything they are feeling.

The western culture is the only one in the world where men do NOT hug and kiss each other as a matter of course. Tho this seems to be slowly changing.

But make haste slowly and do not destroy a precious innocent relationship with uncle/nephews summarily based on suspicion.

Blessings,

Grandmother Lowell

i think you are reading WAY too much into this. he's your brother and loves your children. remember, your oldest may sometimes feel left out due to the two little ones and your brother is showing him just as much attention to him as he is to the other two. my sil's family has been hugsie kissy forever. that's what her family does no matter what age. my family is not like that. appreciate that your brother wants to help and is there for you. someday he won't be here (God forbid!) and you will miss him greatly and will miss everything he does for you. my brother moved away and it killed me. one of my best friends lost her brother so suddenly and unexpectedly and he spoiled her kids and i am know she would love to be in your situation. thank God everyday for your brother!

Good Morning R.,
I agree with the initial part of the reply from Nicole P.

"Your husband has a "red flag" and that is what your gut instincts are for. Listen to them. Your brother may be completely innocent, but your children are too. They are the #1 priority. Perhaps nothing is happening right now. Sometimes that's how it starts. Sometimes it takes years to build that trust and then who knows. Don't wait for something to happen."

I have always been straight forward with my children since they were able to talk, now 10 & 12 years old, about sexuality, personal boundaries, and not keeping secrets. It is true that a perpetrator is usually very close to the family, by blood relation or friendship. I tell my children if they ever feel uncomfortable about someone's actions, if they are not sure, get "butterflies" in their tummy, or if someone threatens to hurt loved ones if they tell, the first thing they need to do is come to me. Perpetrators use "innocent language" like "love pats", "little kisses" or "playing a game". This leads the child to believe it's somehow OK, and yet, their "gut" feeling tells the child a different truth. The child's feeling "yucky" or "dirty" betrays those "innocent" words.

I feel we all owe it to our children to educate them that not all people have the childs best interest in mind. Not only does this help them in their growing years in helps them in all their years. A teenage girl knows that it is OK to say No. Our teenage sons know it is OK to say No. They both grow up knowing that when someone says No, that boundary is to be respected. As future adults and parents they are free to talk with their children openly about bodies, sexuality, and appropriate touch.

It is not about scaring children, it is giving them the tools to protect themselves.

Please tell your husband thank you for helping you be more aware. Talk at length about how the two of you feel comfortable educating your family. Heck, ask a therapist to be there to listen and help the two of you come to common ground.

As a survivor it has taken me over 30 years to honestly realize why I have always been hyper-vigilant about who my children were around, even my own siblings. Our own father molested/raped his sons, cousins, friends, patients.(He was a pediatrician!) Who then, in turn "modeled" what they learned as OK behavior. I know that the "grooming" started early so that his victims were ready by early puberty. We all have our stories. As adults, sometimes we are still running on gut feelings and instincts without really knowing the whole "Why" we act a certain way.(Or why somone elses actions worry us.)

Lastly, I would not accuse your brother of anything as of yet, unless your children are showing signs or telling you. Educate your children. Be truthful. Let go of the blinders that it's not a "possibility" just because he is your brother. Your children are the first priority.

I hope this is a new begiining for your family and that everyone is indeed, safe and healthy. It is a tough subject.
Many Blessings.
M. P

I think your husband is being a typical man who is not comfortable with affection..is his family huggie kissy? was yours? how would he explain to his son that he has asked his Uncle to stop kissing or showing any kind of love/affection towards him because it makes Daddy uncomfortable? is there only One Kind of man? (or two..manly or gay??!!)

I think your husband needs to look at his feelings and see that when someone loves a child and has always kissed and hugged them..are they suppose to stop at age..what? 7? 10?
when should girls stopped being kissed?

Pulling away affection that is true and not inappropriate is not a good thing either as then the child will feel like he has done something wrong and it could become something negative that will be there for his life.

If your sons moods change or he seems to be having problems..then maybe osme thing is wrong, but if this is just that makes your hubby uncomfortable he should try and see why..

My hubby has asked that when we visit my sisters my son never sleep in a bed with them? why on earth would that be even a concern??!! But then he grew up with no close relatives and feels it is not a normal situation as he hsd never had it. Your husband may have not been exposed to or allowed to be given affection to other males..

But in the end this is unfair to your brother and your son as it will change forever your realtionships if it is said or asked..as once this little gennie is out of the bottle there is not going back and you may loose your brother and your sons trust.

I hope I have not been too harsh..I am just concerned that things like this are what make men not be able to show affection to others or feel something is wrong in showing someone you love affection..a pinch in the arm or a wack on the head is not really affection in replacing a hug or a kiss.

Hugging and kissing an eight year old goodbye is fine. There is nothing wrong with that at all. Just talk with your kids about personal space and p****** p**** etc. Tell them that those parts are private and if someone tries to touch them then to tell you. Ask him what he does at his uncles house. What kind of games they play, etc. I think if everything seems fine, then it probably is. Ask him if his uncle has ever made him uncomfortable and if so why. Let your son talk about things with you. If you see signs of aggression, peeing in bed, not wanting to see his uncle, your son being different or strange like he is hiding something, then I would assume something. Just ask lots of questions. Watch from afar when he is changing diapers. Some people are just really helpful and you shouldn't assume something just because someone is being nice and giving his nephew a kiss and a hug goodbye. When is someone too old for a hug and a kiss? Just because your husband wouldn't normally babysit or hug and kiss a child doesn't mean it isn't normal. It just isn't normal for him. Some families don't hug or kiss at all others do. Just keep your eyes open and your communication open with your kids.

Dear R. G.,

I have personally been violated as a child. No need for details. Your husband has a "red flag" and that is what your gut instincts are for. Listen to them. Your brother may be completely innocent, but your children are too. They are the #1 priority. Perhaps nothing is happening right now. Sometimes that's how it starts. Sometimes it takes years to build that trust and then who knows. Don't wait for something to happen. Now is the time to push back and set stricter boundries with your brother. Don't wait. Talk to your eldest about personal space and things like that. I have 4 children, 9.5 boy, 7.5 boy, 3yr girl and 1yr boy. The relative that violated me is still in my life. All is forgiven and good. It took many many years to get to this point of comfort. However, that person is never allowed to be alone with any of my kids....

This is the first time I have logged onto mamasource in quite some time. your letter popped up right away and i felt the need to share with you my thoughts. I wish you all the best.....good luck. N.

Hi R.!!Im trying to picture my brothers(who we are very close with also)kissing and hugging my son,which they really dont do, they will do a high five or blow a kiss(hes 14months)so yes maybe it is a little odd,the bottle is normal and the diapers well,i cant see them doing that either,maybe if they really had to then yes they would....what im saying is i would hate to assume such, but could you ask your 8yr old (in an indirect way)has anyone ever touched you ect...Oh I dont know R. this is hard,what does your heart/gut tell you??Do you think he could ever do that??Im sorry you are dealing w/this,hopefully your husband is over reacting and your brother is just very affectionate!!Take care

if your brother has always been good to your kids i wouldn't worry about it. Does your brother want kids of his own? maybe he just hasn't met the right woman to have kids of his own with yet. My older brothers don't have kids of thier own and most likely never will.. but i can have them babysit if needed. and yes they would change a diaper if needed..why leave the baby in the messy diaper? Do you want to leave a nice dinner out to come home an d change a diaper to be late to the movie? Some guys do actually think would i want to be left iun that? and besides your kids will most likely be the ones pickingout how he is taken care of inhis old age...

I think if something was going on you would KNOW IT. have a talk with your brother about what kind of help or not your children need with bathing And personal care. and your son about personal space. since he goes to the bathroom at home alone..he should be any where else he goes.. except maybe shown how to turn on the shower while his clothes are on.(some do work a but differrent than others).but left to shower on his own. as you know at 8 they do need the reminders to wash hair etc...
As far as the hugs and kisses go hUGS are alway cool last maybe 30 seconds.. and kisses on the cheeck.Maybe you should just talk to your brother ALONE about this part.. you know gotta teach his nephew the "rules of being a guy" and that high 5's are way more guy like than kisses.. Chances are your brother will respect that if nothing is going on. you know bringit up as Johnny is getting too old for hugs and kisses...and this would be more his age to do sorta thing. You'll figure it out ...

More men should be open about being affectionate instead of having to repress any feelings or signs of being "soft". My son is almost 11 and his hugged by many of the men in his life, including his adult cousins, uncles, family friends. Are you concerned that your brother might be a pedophile or that men shouldn't be openly affectionate with other boys and men after a certain age?

I think it is great that your brother loves spending time with the kids. My brother live 30 min a way and never spends time with my daughter. If your son is stating t act funny then i would be concerned, but like u said he is a bchelor and may never have children. so he treats your kids like hi owen. Good luck.

Hi R.,
I don't think you have anything to worry about. My family is a very "huggy/kissy" family and I don't find it odd. My uncle who is 37 still hugs and kisses me and I am 25. I think maybe he just wants to show his love and affection and there is nothing wrong with that. Plus, my husband has no issues with changing diapers or giving a bottle, although he isn't single anymore, when he met me I had a 6 month old and he took over those tasks now problem, he still does it. He maybe more attached to your older one as he is able to do more right now and they share similar likes. I don't think there is anything "abnormal" or "weird" going on here. I think your husband should be happy that your son has so much fun with his uncle and enjoys spending time with him. Maybe your husband is a little jealous that he is always around and is playing a part of a role model to your kids, or is always there to help you out... just a thought. I really don't think you have anything to worry about. Your brother seems to want to be there for you and your children and that is a great thing. Good luck. :)

I think it's terrible in our society, when a man is affectionate or sensistive, we might stereotype him as gay or even a pervert. I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt,but it's always a good idea to keep your eyes on whovever may be taking care of your children. But , I wouldn't assume that anything bad is going on here. It sounds like your boys are lucky to have such a great uncle.

I might ask the 8 year old some questions about his time with his uncle. Don't make it look suspicious. Just ask about what they did together and what movies they watched...etc.

Also, does he seem to like women? You mentioned that he has a girl friend out of state, but sometimes they use this as a cover up. Maybe it is just because he has no kids of his own. You don't want to speculate too much. At least check into it for your sons' safety.

I think there's nothing wrong with your brother AT ALL - my brothers are the SAME WAY!!! My oldest son is 6 & still gives his uncles kisses & hugs! There's nothing to be worried about unless YOU think it's a problem. I come from a VERY affectionate family & aunts/uncles/cousins/parents/grandparents/children/distant relatives/etc - even family friends!!! We all kiss & hug each other every time we see them & every time we leave them.

You go with your gut. If your family is like that in a normal loving way - then tell your hubby that you understand his concern, but not all guys are creeps - especially not your brother. AND just to show the hubby that you take his opinion seriously - have a talk with your boys (mostly the oldest) about the whole "no touch" thing with strangers & tell him that it's very important that if he feels that awkward feeling, to come straight to you & tell you & then you'll take it from there.

I do understand your husbands concern, but have the 'talk' with your kid(s) along w/your hubby & reassure him that all is well. =0) You should be proud to have such a wonderful brother - I certainly am proud to have 2 fantastic brothers who BOTH do more than the average uncle & yes, they BOTH SMOTHER their nephews with hugs kisses & lots of love!

Good luck & let me know how you make out!

While it's probably just that your brother loves your sons, and nothing to worry about; I would none the less pay attention. You said he 'insists' on kissing & hugging, does the 8 year old want to give hugs & kisses? It's a hard rule in our house that the kids can refuse to hug anyone they want, whenever they want for any or no reason. I think it's more important for kids to be able to establish their comfort levels than to worry about offending Grandma by refusing a kiss. But if your son wants to give his uncle a hug & kiss, I don't think there's anything inappropriate about it. There are some really great books for carefully explaining i************ t******* to children- the two that come to mind are "It's My Body" and "A Very Touching Book"- I don't remember the authors.

You know your brother best...would he do such a thing?? I think it's very sad that that this thought comes up instead of what it probably really is. I think society has made everyone this way and extremely paranoid because there are so many sick pychos out there. At the same time, you can't be naive to the fact either. Some of the advice you've received such as talking to your kids about i************ t******* and to come to you if they ever felt like something were wrong. Also, I'm not saying that you would know if something were happening, but don't you think it would reflect in other behaviors with your son? Such as being withdrawn and having problems in school. I would have to think so. Not many children who've been molested are happy and outgoing and WANT to go to the person abusing them!! The reason he loves taking your 8 year old for the night is because he's not a baby...he's probably fun company! Your other children are very small, but he does babysit them and treats them just as special from what your saying. He sounds like a great guy! I just think it's really sad that your husband thinks he's weird and has now put doubt in your mind about your brother too. Some could only wish to have an aunt or uncle that loving and willing to devote so much time. Always keep your inner keen mommy senses on high alert, but it really doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about here.

your brother sounds incredible and i think many families would be so lucky to have someone like this in the lives of their children.

i say, trust YOUR gut, if You think that something is off. (he is your brother).
but my gut (from what you've described) says no.

i think that there is a lot of homophobia and fear around strong male relationships between adults and kids, and that is sad. I think different men have different ways of expressing love, and perhaps your husband and your brothers ways are different.

this seems like just a difference in style to me.
i would not be worried.

best, A.

Wow, I'm reading through the responses and see you are getting a lot of different viewpoints. Maybe I am too trusting but it sounds to me like your sons are lucky to have your uncle in their lives. So many children do not have relationships like that with relatives and further isn't it great that they have another man they can trust to talk with as they get older if things come up they do not feel they can talk with their own father about. It sounds like your husband and brother are different in some ways and that may be what your son likes about him. I agree that you have to be vigilant in this day and age. I agree that you have to go with your (or your husband) gut....but be cautious how you handle it if you decide to ask your brother to stop hugging and kissing or even stop allowing sleepovers....you don't want it to seem you are accusing him of something if you are not......

Dear R.,

While I can't answer your problem as a psychiatrist, I can add "the other perspective". I am a single woman, a "confirmed bachelorette", who just turned 44. I also doted on my nieces and nephews, didn't mind babysitting and the rest. And, it's a sign of the times that I began to feel like my hugs and kisses might come across wrong to the parents (though the kids loved them). It was particularly disturbing to see the video shown as part of the Catholic church's efforts to make its volunteers aware of predatory practices-- because some of the signs can be things like you described. And how awful that made me feel, too, because I tended to play with the girls by pulling their hair or joining in a big group hug or jump on the kids game and all that stuff which makes for a lot of laughter and fun and giggles.

So, while I know it was all innocent fun, I did back off for awhile, but me being me, it hasn't lasted too good. It feels even worse to be so cold and unloving/non-physical with kids, as if they were infected with some germ that one can't touch them. And one thing I would point out to you is that with a choice of three kids ranging from infant to toddler to an eight year old, it seems to me perfectly logical that a guy would prefer the one he could do things with like camping and movies, etc. It also seems to me that your eldest boy needs this just now when he is surrounded at home by such little kids whom he CAN'T play with, and who probably consume a lot of your time.

So, personally I would thank your lucky stars that your brother is so involved in your children's lives. Yet, I would also spend time with your son after his outings and really pay attention to what he is saying about what they did, etc. And, he is also old enough to have some serious talks with about "touching" etc. While not putting ideas in his head about your brother, because that would certainly frighten him and spoil their relationship, go over fundamentals about his body. There are certain places which are private. There are good ways of touching and "bad" ways, ways which make one feel uncomfortable and guilty. Feel him out to see if he understands. I am sure if anyone had touched him wrong, he is still young enough to show signs of it when the subject was raised.

Also, why not ask your husband to go over to your brother's house on some of these nights? Do they get along ok? Might he enjoy a movie or camping, too? That might help you all feel more comfortable about this relationship. And, if the nagging feeling persists, maybe ask your brother if another kid (or adult) might go along on those camping trips. Safety in numbers kind of idea.

Finally, though I hate to admit it, it just occurred to me that I had a bad experience with something related to this. It has made me wary of asking a certain guy to help out in ways I had trusted him formerly. So, as sad as it might sound, one does have to be careful. Try contacting some professional help for further advice. I am sure there are pages of information on signs of "sexual predators" and how to deal with such difficult situations.

The fact is that it is usually those closest to a family who do the damage, because they are trusted. But communication and honesty are the best defenses-- don't forget to consider your own experiences with your brother-- did you ever notice him doing anything weird? Did he ever try to fondly you or other girls (guys) inappropriately? Have you ever asked him about his lack of commitment with a girl, or even the pent-up sexual drives? It might make you both feel better to take some time to have these discussions.

Hope this helps. Maybe it will spark some ideas, at least.

God Bless,
S.

I agree with grandma lowell on this one entirely, she had a lot of great and wise things to say. My brother is 30, unmarried and attractive and he loves my kids very much, plays, hugs and kisses and babysits for short periods of time if I ask. He wouldn't change their diapers if I paid him too but that's just the way he is. Not every man is a carbon copy of another. LOL. Having a brother you can count on is a good thing, he is your brother so you know him probably better than anyone else. You should be talking to your son about these things anyways, regardless of his uncle being extra-attentive or not. Just make it a calm and relaxed talk and be non person specific, don't be anxious about it either because kids can sense these things.

I don't think there is anything to worry about based on this behavior alone, no. Some men are more affectionate than others, and if your brother has been around your boys all his life and has no kids of his own, his wanting to spend time with them is perfectly normal. However, if this worries your husband, this is what I would suggest--he should ask to go on one of these camping trips with your brother and son. If your brother acts strangely about it, that should send up alarm bells. Then, he should go and see how things go. If there were normally "shady" things going on, they certainly couldn't--and your son should show signs that something is different. Most likely, though, he will be fine--and it will reassure (hopefully) your husband. Have you ever talked with your son about what is appropriate and inapporopriate? A child that is being molested, and has some knowledge that it is not appropriate, would generally not "Look forward" to time with the person in question. That itself should be some reassurance.

No No No Boys need to learn that affection is ok. My uncles were the same way growing up my husband is like that with our nieces and nephews and he's always the favorite uncle. I have an 8 year old boy myself and would love if his uncles were more affectionate and they're not. Don't ruin a good thing!!!

Hi R.:

I was about to answer your inquiry but read some of the responses first. I don't think I could say it better than Grandmother Lowell. Her response is thoughtful, pragmatic and loving - it is really a gem !!!

I think it is great that your boys have an uncle who wants to be a part of their lives. I wouldn't worry about the kisses and hugs. If your eight yr old at some popint says he doesn't want to hug or kiss his uncle I wouldn't force him, I would suggest a HI 5 or somthing like that. You son will let you know when the hugs and kisses are enough. Good Luck!

I don't think it is all that strange.
I have not read other responses & am sorry if this is repetative.
You should have a talk with your son about his body regardless of this situation. Does he know his body is his and so on kind of conversation. Kids don't always know what "normal" touching/affection is.
It may seem strange except some men just don't mind diapers & bottles. As for the kissing, would it be weird if grampa asked for kisses? If he's as close as you say it's not much different. When your son is no longer comfortable with this I'm sure it will become clear. Sounds like they have a good bond and enjoy each others company. Your son fills a void for your brother and he benefits from some extra attention.
On the other hand I must add statistics show family & close friends are often to blame for wrong doing to children.
Anything is possible follow your instincts. I'm sorry to advise both sides, I just don't know this person and can only give you things to think about.

Hi R.,
I'll be brief (or try to be) b/c you've received a lot of advice. This may be repetitive, sorry for that.

1. It sounds like your husband's idea of uncle- or man-like behaviour is very outdated and sexist. There's NOTHING wrong with an uncle being very affectionate and demonstrative toward his nieces and nephews. It's great and more men should be like that. No one thinks anything odd of an aunt behaving that way.

2. REgardless, you should have the talk with your children and remind them constantly about good touches, bad touches, how it doesn't matter who does it, it's bad if it's bad, how you'll ALWAYS believe them and NEVER be mad at them for telling you, no matter what the person who's doing it to them tells them, etc. Talk about it once seriously and then build it into their consciousness by repeating it often unassumingly. That's what I've done with my son, and now when I bring it up, he can repeat it back to me and says, "I know, I know... I'm not going to let anything happen to me, MOM!"

3. There's no way you would "just know" or have any "feeling" about anything abusive going on, if in fact it is (I personally don't think so; your son wouldn't want to go with him if it were). Parents internalize guilt because they "should have known." This is not true. We're not mind-readers, we don't have a crystal ball. All we can do is communicate with our children and believe them when they tell us something.

Good luck!

I think a mother always knows best, if you're having thoughts that this may not be a normal situation I would go with my gut and do what's best with the kids. Tell the uncle that he's welcome around but that there are boundaries, no more overnight stays and whatnot. I am sure this will be disappointing to your son, but better off then if something was to happen in the long run.

My brother in law and my brother show my son tremendous amounts of affection with hugs and kisses. Sure- he's only 3- but I can't see that changing as he gets older. If he refuses to kiss them, I don't (and never will) force the issue. We just happen to be an affectionate bunch. My brother in law is gay and my brother is single and in his 30's so- babies aren't at the top of the priority list for either of them- I think they both see Peyton as a surrogate son. Maybe your brother feels the same way (since you mentioned he probably won't have his own kids).

I would throw up a red flag if your 8 year old suddenly doesn't want to visit your bro or is upset at the thought of being around him. But it seems to be pretty innocent. Never let your guard down- but I wouldn't lose any sleep over this one.

hi R. . your husband is right. your brother is a single man. its ok to love the children .but i thing itsa bit to much spenting his time all of the time with your children . i am not acusing him of anything . but if i where you . i would ask they 8 year old some quistions . like what do you do all day when your with your uncle . does he ever touch you any wear . small things like that. and its kind of strange he changes diappers. i am sory to be this foward but you never no . your husband is right B.

I don't think there is anything wrong. I'm 26 and I still hug a few of my uncles. If your family is close I wouldn't be too concerned but you may want to consider having a talk with your 8 year old to make sure he understands boundaries.

Well, you know everyone is different. I have found that my family is way more affectionate than my husband's family. It's just the way we were raised. I don't think it's odd for an uncle to want hugs and kisses from his nephews or anything. I also don't think it's odd that he'll change diapers. Well, maybe if he's running you over when you say I need to go change the baby's diaper saying oh no let me do that or something. However, if he's babysitting he would need to change diapers. My husband used to watch his sister's kids and would change their diapers and stuff. You could sit down with your 8 year old and just talk about i************ t******* and that he could come to you no matter what and tell you if someone is doing that. He doesn't have anything to worry about. Nothing would happen to him, or to you or your husband or his brothers if he were to tell. Don't say anything about his uncle or anything just make it like in general if anyone were to touch him in a way that made him uncomfortable that you need to know about it. I talk to my girls about stuff like that all the time so they know they can come to me. I really don't think anything sounds fishy there though. But if the hugs and kisses are bothering your husband then maybe you should talk to your brother about that and explain to him it's really making hubby uncomfortable so maybe with 8 year old you can just do a firm handshake and a pat on the back or something.

R.,

I know you have received a lot of responses...and I have not read all of them. But I did feel the need to respond. I think it is wonderful that your brother wants to be so involved in your and your families lives. You might be filling a void...and that's okay if he is okay with that. I lived with my sister for 2 1/2 years before meeting my husband, but because I am a woman nobody thought it strange that a 28 year old woman was living in her basement and helping out with the kids. I am now married to an amazing man with three boys of my own. My husband is very affectionate with our boys which I am grateful for. So..could your husband be jealous of the relationship because he may not be as close to his son? I don't know...but I would not be too concerned...I am actually a bit envious, I wish my kids had someone like that in their lives!!

H.. (SAHM 5, 3 1/2, 14 month old boys)

I can't see anything wrong with affection from the kids' uncle. If he loved giving them hugs and kisses when they were little, why wouldn't he want the same when they got older? Your 8 year old would probably feel really hurt if his uncle wanted a hug and kiss from the little ones, but not from him. As for changing diapers, why shouldn't he? Just because he's single doesn't mean he wouldn't make a great dad or want to have the opportunity to experience all the things a married dad does with his kids. It sounds like your husband is just having a hard time accepting that a single guy could want all the same things a married one does.... which is love, affection and responsibility for the children in his care. Don't worry about it. Your brother in law sounds fantastic!

Alway,Always trust your gut. Or your mommy instinct. It's never wrong.. I think if you just communitcate with the Uncle that may help. Also if you can find a way to talk to your son. Do it in a way where you aren't talking about his Uncle but in general. Don't be affraid to ask questions and tell him what's ok and what isn't. In this day in age that talk is good with all children no matter what the situation.

And I think if he likes being with his Uncle that's a good sign. Usually if they don't want to go or show some strange signs then you know somethings not right.
I know from experiance. My brother was molested by our babysitter. And my brother was 3. He would express to my parents how he disliked her and told them what was going on. It doesn't sound to me like the case here. But If something makes you uncomfortable as a parent we need to speak up. If he is the great Uncle that he sounds like he will respect you and be understanding.

The only thing that caused me concern was that your brother insists on kisses and hugs. Nobody should insist those from your children. They should ask once, and if the child does not want to then, a high five, a shake or a simple see you later alligator will work!
I agree, I think your husband might be a little 'wary' of male affection. It is sad in today's society that Men are considered gay if they show emotion. Your brother sounds great - a lot like my own affectionate married brother with two loving sons.
good luck!

Don't wait for something "shady" to be going on and until you see some signs. I don't know what's going on here. There are two sides to every story. Could it be that you brother is gay? Since he is not married, handsome and girlfriend lives in another state? In that case, I can understand his affection with your kids because he knows he will never have his own and he loves yours. And, if he is gay, that does NOT make him a child molester! So if he's gay, I wouldn't worry about him spending time with your kids. It's the straight guys that we have to worry about. Have you ever seen odd behavior with your brother when he was younger? I agree with one of the other people that you should ask him to give your son high-5's if you are worried, or it makes your husband uncomfortable. Be honest with your brother. Also, if your son goes over his house, give your son a bath the night before so no bath or shower is necessary. Tell your brother in front of your son when they are leaving, "He does not need a bath or shower. He had one last night and he can wait until he gets home to have another." I don't have any first-hand experience, but I do understand one of the women who wrote saying that molesters "groom" a child for years. SO, again to quote some of the other responses: go with your gut. AND I hope by this time you have told your son that no one is allowed to touch him or look at him, etc. If not, do it immediately. But don't mention your brother or ask if your brother specifically touched him, because that might make your son paranoid about going with your brother. It probably is that your brother just loves your kids, but better to be safe than sorry. Why take a chance for something to happen? I'd rather err on the side of caution, as they say.

Hugs and kisses past 5 DOES NOT make a little boy turn out gay. Seems to me your husband has a macho attitude. I saw in the other posts, and tend to wonder as well, what was male affection like for HIM growing up?
I think you kit the nail on the head with your brother. We too have an uncle that has no children and is in his 40s. He JUST got married last year, but to a woman that is happy to not have children herself. (they had also been dating for many years) anyway, he is the "cool uncle" with all the kids in the family and no one has ever questioned it in our house/family.
Now I will have to say if your husband SAW something that was beyond cheek kissing, bear hugging and general cool uncle wrestling.... then he would be vaild in bringing it up, BUT it doesn;t sound as if you are worried about that....
GOOD LUCK!

Hi,
I do hope for everyone involved it is completely innocent. However, there are a couple of red flags, most importantly, one on one one time overnight. I think you can take a very important step, and start to educate yourself, and your children. Every parent, and caregiver, should. Here is a good place to start.
http://www.darkness2light.org/docs/Final7steps.pdf There are other resources at the website, and books for yourself, and your children, are much overdue from what I am reading in your post.
I urge every parent to read up and educate on this subject. No one ever thinks it could happen to their child, but the fact is, children are groomed for a relationship, and one in five will be molested, and 90% of those by someone the family knows, trusts, and loves.
I am not saying that your brother is hurting your child, or will, but that you need to educate yourself, and your children to make sure it can't happen.

Good luck,
D.

R.-

I don't think there is anything wrong with a loving Uncle! From reading this I can see it a few ways...
1. He could be in love with you and wants to do anything he can to help you out...
2. Maybe he's gay.... that's why his gf lives in another state?!
3. Maybe he's just an all around good guy.... my husband has a friend (who granted has his own child) but loves to see my kids and helps me out when he can (and i can assure you he's not gay or interested in me - lol) Some men are just good with kids... other men can't understand this...

I don't think, from what you say, anything wrong is going on with your 8yo.... I don't think he would want to see his Uncle or stay over or anything like that.... Usually kids who are being abused are not happy to see the abusers, let alone be in their company with their parents there - it would make them uneasy - i would think....
If you have a loving family member - embrace it and tell your husband to lighten up... does he think something is "wrong" with his brother???

Good luck,
S.

I think you are lucky to have a brother who is so loving of his nephews. It's too bad that in today's society you have to suspect everybody. But it's true that you do. So make sure you educate your children on improper touching and no keeping of secrets, etc., so that they would come to you whether it was their uncle or anyone else. I think if your brother were doing anything wrong, he wouldn't be so openly affectionate with them in front of you. My brother was the same way with his nephews, and naturally as they got older, his behavior adjusted to treat them more as you would an older child. Now he's that way with his nieces. He just knows he won't be having any kids himself, and he loves them. There's nothing wrong with it.

As someone who doesn't know you or your brother it does seem odd that he wants to spend so much time with your 8 year old son. If your husband has a bad feeling about it you should probably look into it further. Of course I don't know your brother and he could be just a wonderful loving uncle.

It sounds very sweet to me! I think its nice that your kids have family support. If there was a problem your son would not be as excited to go with his uncle. As for the affection part tell your husband not to worry since soon your son will assert his independence and say hugs are too babyish. It will only be high 5's or cool handshakes! :)

I'm not really sure what to think, but here's the only thing that came to my mind when I read your post - what does your "gut" tell you? If you feel that something is wrong, than it probably is.

You can't be too careful, but at the same time, you don't want to make something out of nothing.

Sorry that I couldn't be more helpful!

I think that if you grew up in an affectionate household then it shouldn't be a problem. go with your gut on this one. if your husband is a handshake kind of guy then all this hugging is probably too much for him but there are people out there that just are huggie poeple. i'm one of them...... your husband may just be overreacting but stand back and look at the situation carefully.... mother of a 13 11 8 and 16 mths K.

I personally think you have a very loving brother.
What was your dad like affection wise? Was hugging and kissing okay between 'boys'? How about your husband's dad?

My dad didn't hug or kiss my brothers past a certain age. BUT my brother hugs and kisses his sons and mine (who are now in their teens) and began hugging and kissing my dad!(I love it!!)

I think that your husband might feel awkward due to his upbringing.

You say there are no outward signs, that you son looks forward to seeing his uncle and is happy and well adjusted. I think then your instincts are correct....your brother is just a cool uncle!

I come from a family that is very affectionate- we all hug and kiss and a lot of my friends families are like that too. It might be dtrange to your husband only if he didnt grow up in that environment.
I would just go with my gut instinct and have a talk with your son about personal space and boundaries. It will give him a chance to open up to you if anything has happened. I think you really just have to follow your instincts here.

IMO I would make sure my child understood the normal "boundaries" discussion that I have and not put an emphasis on the uncle. Clearly state what action your child should take if need be- ie "Tell an adult"