Close Male Friend Kisses and Hugs My 3 Year Old Boy Way Too Much

Your friend may care for you guys so much that in order to show you how much-- he uses your son as the example. He cant kiss and hug you guys cuz youre all grown ups, so he shows you by the affection he shows your child....HOWEVER, since your son is only 3yrs of age and too young yet to understand what is good touching and what is bad touching, it is totally your responsibility to monitor him when he's with other people. Your last words in your letter were: "I don't think my friend is a pedophile, but at the same time i don't find that his behavior towards my son is normal." Some people are more touchy feely than others, it really is a hard call to make. Most of us are paranoid these days because of the media hype about molestation, you cant be too careful but you also shouldnt live in paranoia either. When someone is nice to your kid it doesnt always mean they are being "groomed".... It does mean to use your womens' intuition, and keep an eye on your baby until you know he's old enough to make rational decisions about inappropriate touching.

1 mom found this helpful

I read your "What Happened"... and it makes me a little sad. I know that you should trust your instincts as a Mom, and I realize that you are agonizing or you wouldn't have posted the question, but I just wanted to add that blowing on a kids stomaach as a way of playing and tickling is not in the same category as groping and feeling a kids' private parts. Nor do I think it is necessarily inappropriate for a family friend to act in such a way. Maybe he just feels that comfortable with your family that it's like he is an uncle and not just some guy. I don't know that I have other advice than what has been offered, it just strikes me as sad that this man and your son get along so well and that by telling him to only give a hug and kiss on greeting and leaving that you may hinder their relationship and make it awkward in ways you didn't intend... I hope that it all works out for you. Sometimes when things don't feel "right" it is because they aren't. Best wishes.

1 mom found this helpful

Trust your gut instinct. Don't question yourself.

1 mom found this helpful

Hello F.,
I have not read any of the other responses but I am sure that what I feel has been said before and will only add to it.
I am the mother of 5 children, and now the grandmother of several sweethearts. I would give my life for any of them and I would freely take down anyone that I thougth could even try to harm in anyway any of them. I won't assume that this person is going to harm our child in any way, but I will say that you must be prepared to trust your insticts and heart and do whatever you need to and Never feel uncomfortable about doing your parental duty.
You are the parents- you don't need permission to say STOP. You have the still small voice inside of you to know the things that you need to do as a parent. That is why when there is not a reson to know something you will suddenly go and check a child and prevent them from jumping off the roof because they saw it on Scooby Do cartoon( my son). If something makess you the lest bit uncomfortable then put a stop to it. If you were to find out years later that something happened to your child* not by this person but someone else and the child didn't tell because he didn't know how becasue you didn't say no before.
When we were in a situation like this my husband explained to the person that we were teachng our children to not be loving with anyone but us. We then went on to teach our children that they were special and so were their bodies and the gifts of kisses were to be done safely and with parents permission. I still remember when an Aunt tried to kiss our daughter and she very politely told her" Mom says my body is a Temple of God, not a Visiting Center, so shake my hand please".She is only 4 at the time.
Remember that you are entusted with this child and his well being.You must do all that you can to do the right thing,protection and if you do not feel comfortable with something then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! It is important that you always feel comfortable with the people that your child is around. I know that you will do the right thing.
This is the first of many experiances that you will have as parents, trust yourself. Nana Glenda

1 mom found this helpful

i would not jump to conclusions, but..... i would go by my gut feeling and keep and eye on your friend. It does not sound normal to me. Just never leave him alone with your son.

"Joe, you have been such a great friend and it is obvious that you care a great deal about our son. He is now getting to the age where we want to teach him "good touch, bad touch". We are teaching him that unless it is us (meaning dad or mom) that a hug is enough. We really would appreciate your support in this."
PERIOD.
If he does not comply that says something, in my opinion. He may be a good friend and no on likes to think that a friend (or family member) is a pedophile but I would rather err on the side of my child then deal with the heartache of scarring my child if I am wrong. Trust your gut.

F.,
I would never, ever leave him alone with your son! I think perhaps you and your husband should start visiting him WITHOUT your son and check out his social life. He's forty, unmarried, not dating? Is he gay? What man kisses a child on his neck?????? Haven't seen that too much. I had to tell my girls they had to ask to hug someone since their cousin froze when someone thought to hug her...In school(kindergarten),your son will not be able to kiss girls, etc. without complaints from other parents. He'll most likely be told he has to ask to hug another (it may be different, but not if there have been complaints regarding any student and their lack of personal space). You're setting your son up,it seems to me.....People are usually more in touch with parents asking if what they're doing to be affectionate is all right with them. Is it culturally allright in your circle? In cases of molestation, the molester is usually someone the child knows and AS COME TO TRUST! Go visit him. See how he reacts when you haven't brought your child/children. Get to know him better in his own surroundings and check them out. If he does come back it should be with your invite. Is he just dropping in???? Easy for me to say! Then, set ground rules. Your child needs to know who can do what! He's too demonstrative, I believe. Why is he acting like the dad? It sounds like you've been holding back and it's time you took the reins. If he's so fond of children, perhaps he should be dating...I think he's shown enough red flags to have you take off your gloves of kindness toward him. I'll look forward to what others advise. Good luck!
For what it's worth,
G.

Tell your friend that you are teaching your son right things and wrong things and that he needs to help with being an example of less physical contact and that hand shakes are good and a hug is ok just not all the time when hes there tell him your teaching your son about strangers and that you are getting everyone's help and the proper was of greeting someone and personal space that way your friend doesn't feel like he's doing anything wrong when you get your son from him in certain times and if I were you. is he gay? if he is tell him that his behavior does need to be toned down and if hes not
I would log onto http://www.familywatchdog.us/ and look him up just to be on the safe side
Good Luck Danielle MOm of 4

if you are uncomfortable with it I think you need to set limits with your friend, if he a true friend he will understand and respect your boundaries. as a parent it is your right and responsibility to protect your child. you can trust your friend all you want and he may very well have only good intentions but you never know. bad thinss happen all the time with people we completely thought we could trust.

This behavior is not acceptable. For many reasons:
1) your son is going to get used to this and may allow unacceptable behavior due to being used to touching.
2) kissing and touching other peoples' kids especially on the neck never okay.
3) this is not acceptable behavior from a 40 year old man towards children, there has to be a line drawn and I wouldn't trust him being around my kids.

I come from a family where we hugged and kissed but only with certain close family members and within boundaries.
I don't think you should worry about over reacting, that should be the least of your concerns. Worry about your child's safety and well being.

Hi,
You don't know what is in your friend's mind, and if you asked him his intentions I am sure he would deny that he has any bad motivations.

You are concerned because you are seeing behavior that is not right. So you need to do two things:

1) talk to the friend and tell him no more physical contact with your son.

2) NEVER leave your children alone with this man EVER!!!!

Go with your instinct. Try re-directing the child when the excessive hugging and kissing begin. You can (physically) take your son and tell him to go play with his toys. You can even say something like" you already got your hugs and kisses from so and so for today, now go play." Don't do ir say this in a way where it seems your child is being punished or did something wrong.
You could also tell your friend you feel your son is getting older and is too big for him to be kissing on the neck and lips.
If your son goes to daycare or preschool you can use this as a reason for stopping the excessive kissing and hugging. Children repeat everything they see and hear. You can say, "we don't want him to go to daycare/preschool and start kissing the other kids on the lips/neck or start lifting their shirts to blow on their stomachs".

If you are feeling weird about this, do whatever you need to do to get it to stop.
As parents it is our job to protect our kids to the best of our abilities. I'd rather hurt a friend's feelings than risk having my child be hurt.
If there is nothing malicious on his part, he will understand and not be offended. Most parents respect other parents wishes when it concerns how they would like us to interact with their children.
Have confidence in your ability to do what is right for your child in this situation.

With our day care children we say, "Hugs are for our friends and kisses are for Mommy and Daddy." Kids can tend to be abit too affectionate also. We hug the kids and I sometimes kiss them goodbye on their cheek. Maybe you could say that to your friend that your husband and you have decided that kissing is just for immediate family and hugs for friends. When he is in school kissing is not encouraged among the kids either. The other day my friend was saying how she cleans alot, teaches the kids to cough in their arms, wash their hands, washes the toys, etc. and then she turned around and two little kids were touching tongues! LOL But your concern is not germs but getting "too" close. I always find books at the library to solve problems too; like, "This is Your Body." So your son learns that it is his own body and he is in charge of it.

I was thinking along similar lines as the last response, about saying you want to teach your son about touching and boundaries. But I would lead with talking about what you are teaching your son, instead of leading with "you are a really good friend, but..."---that sounds too much like the beginning of a "break-up speech" to me. Make the conversation with your friend be about the importance you place on the teaching that you want to do with your son, and not about the friend (and be sure to follow up with your son on the teaching).
But as was said, if the friend does not comply with your wishes, that says a lot. That is a problem. Not necessarily a dangerous problem, but at the very least, a problem with him not respecting parents' rules about a child, which is not ok...and can lead to other problems.
If your friend is childless,it is possible that he is overly affectionate because he wishes he had a child of his own...
And make sure you are not being sexist. If this was a female friend, behaving in the same overly touchy way, would you still be uncomfortable, or would it be different?
But as parents you need to decide what is best for your son, and your friend needs to respect your decisions. A child's safety is not something you want to risk.

Trust your instincts!

this is a touchy subject (sorry for the pun)- but I think the first thing to consider is are any alarms going off in your mind? If they are (it doesn't really sound like it) then the behavior should stop. Maybe what is going on is that this friend sees how your family acts and would like to feel apart of the "love." I am very affectionate with my daughter and I also have a good friend (woman) who kisses and hugs my 3 year old daughter a lot as well, but this is someone I have known for years and trust very much and she is just affectionate all around, and it doesn't really bother me.
Since it really bothers you, though maybe there could be a way you could hint to your friend that this is too much physical contact for your taste? It seems you don't feel comfortable telling hime outright, but maybe that would be the best and most direct way and that way your friend would be able to respond.

I agree with everything said so far. One way to approach it with your friend, instead of talking directly if that is uncomfortable, is to show your friend new ways to play with your son. Next time he visits have your son say, "So and so, let me show you my new ball. Or hey, let's play my new game." Try to direct the play in new directions. And while you are all playing you can make comments to him (your friend) about your son growing up and getting new interests. You can even be fairly direct and say he doesn't like the games you used to play anymore. That way it has less chance as being viewed as an "attack", just an explanation of kids growing up. If he continues with his behavior......than go for the jugular, lol.

From what you said, the friend sounds likes a really loving man which is nice that he even notices your son. So many men have no time for any children, let alone someone elses. He's your friend right? ,you trust him in your home? be careful how you talk to him, sounds like he loves children, doesnt have any of his own and is playing with your son a little extra because they enjoy each other and he doesnt have a little guy to play with of his own. It's nice for children to have other adults be caring about them, pay attention to them instead of wanting the kids to disappear and be quiet. If he visits you that often, he is like family. You can tell your son, that he's not supposed to hug and play with just any man or strangers, but this guy is in your home a lot. If you make your child scared of a friend , that you bring into your home, I think that's terrible. He should feel that your friend would protect him and love him, like an uncle maybe. If you feel uncomfortable I guess I'd try to decide if you're a little jealous of the fun they have or if he is really over doing it. I know you dont want to over act and I think you are a little. You can say you'd rather avoid kissing on the lips due to sickness and germ swapping, but I'd be careful not to spoil something that really could be a special relationship. Remember that there's always enough love for everyone.
My husband has brothers that I dont even think have picked up my children (two beautiful girls 3 and 6 ) I think it's sad. They love them, but they dont SHOW it so to be honest I dont think they really care. I wanted so much for them to feel loved by their family. I have a good friend and she and her husband come and visit us sometimes, he tickles and plays with them and is very attentive, but he doesnt kiss them on the mouth, so I can see that. But try not to over protect and break someone's heart that just happens to have one!

ps The more of these responses I read the madder/sadder it makes me, and dont think I dont protect my kids. If this man makes you uncomfortable, he shouldnt be visiting you at ALL. If you feel comfortable with him in your home, then you should feel comfortable with him playing with your child. You're watching him, right? He doesnt sound like he did anything wrong. A kiss on the neck, so what! It's a tickly spot, you dont want him kissing on the lips, I would think, but you said you're a huggy kissy family, sounds innocent to me, does no one want to teach some TRUST.!!??? Is your child only going to have you and his husband as adult role models? Are you going to teach him to beware of his teachers and principal. Teach the kid he can trust who you trust and if you dont know someone then they are a stranger and the rules are different. I would NEVER want you to risk your child's safety, but I keep going back to this is a long time friend you have at your home very often, this guy is your FRIEND. (or is he? ) Sometimes you can just over do the worrying thing in the name of being safe. Only you know what's right in this case since this in NOT a stranger. There is a BIG difference and you need to realize YOU have made this person a welcome person to your son.

Your parental instinct trumps everything when it comes to your kids. As someone else said, PERIOD. You are their main advocate, protector, leader, guide, etc. So if something bothers you - even if, as you said, there is no intentional harm being done - then it is your right & responsibility to make sure your kids aren't put into an uncomfortable position. Even if your child was 7 or 9 yrs old, it would still be difficult for them to have to tell a family friend "no" regarding just about anything.

I agree with your reasoning, that now is a good time to start helping your child understand boundaries, for him to know that mom & dad are a "safe place" to express questions, fears, curiosities, etc.

As for being "over protective" or fears that it may hurt your friends feelings - those are all secondary things. The first priority is to help your child understand appropriate touch from anyone, regardless of how well the person knows mom & dad or if the person is related to the child. How can he discern who that kind of touch is allowed from if some people can be trusted while other's can't? It's better to just have a house "rule" about the whole thing & be done with it.

You've received some really great suggestions as to how to approach your friend about it, all of which he should receive well, knowing you are talking out of love for your child & not accusing him of anything malicious. But I would definitely communicate it as a team, mom & dad, & not just you trying to explain it. And as one mom already suggested, communicate it as a decision, not a "concern" or an "observation". But "here's how we're teaching our son about boundaries & here's where he could get confused when you come to visit"...that kind of thing.

I'm prattling on - so sorry if this sounds repetitive. :) I think you're doing a great job, mom! This subject is definitely something all of us should be aware of & communicate to our children about.

You need to explain to your friend ASAP and perhaps on the phone, that you consider your family very loving and affectionate, but at the same time you feel concerned that he may opening accept "affection" from someone that could potentially be inappropriate with him and that it's important that the friends that you have show that respect by not being too physical.
You can tell him you just went to a how to keep your kids safe workshop and that this is one of the things they discussed.
It's hard with friends, but the reality is that sexual molestation with children almost always occurs with someone they know. Tell him you learned that affection from friends should actually be more subtle and that aside from a hug hello and goodbye lots of kissing and physical play is inappropriate. Also the child should approach him and give him a hug, not the adult and it should be in the presence of you or your husband upon greeting and departure.

You and your husband have a parental instinct and it's vital that you listen to that, because as your child gets older he will develop a closer relationship with your friend and the physicality of it could continue to escalate.

It also may help you to look up the definition and profile of a pedophile and compare that to your friend.

There is pedophiles that have the persona as being the nicest people in the world. Sexual abusers are more socio-pathic in nature and show a demeanor of domination. Both are equally dangerous.
I have three cousins that were all sexually abused by their father's best friend and traumatized each and everyone of them.
Stick to your instincts...
Blessings,
-M.R

OMG this is so annoying. I just wrote this long, fascinating response to your question and then when I went to send it, my computer did something weird and my fascinating response went away into the ether.

So, in brief my response was something like this:

My mother brought the a-hole child molester WAYNE EDMONSTONE (I hope you died a painful death, Wayne) into my life at the age of 8. He was always trying to pick me up and play with me with his hands in my crotch, etc. I always hated it and tried to get away, without quite knowing what he was doing. By the way the a-hole child molester WAYNE EDMONSTONE was later found to have molested his own daughter. I'm not sure if at 3 a child will instinctively know when something is wrong, but at least by 5 they should, and they won't like an ill-intentioned adult caressing and kissing them.

Now when I was about 12/13 my mother had a boyfriend, 10 or more years younger than she, who hated me (and vice-versa) but was madly in love with my 5 year old brother. He just couldn't stop kissing him. My mother later told me that in 3 years with her, this boyfriend was pretty asexual and they didn't have much sex. So that put his endless kissing of my brother in another light. To top it off this jerk ended up going back to Mexico when he and my mother broke up and marrying our former MAID, which was just not done. A normal American (or Canadian, whatever he was) man just did not marry a non-English speaking peasant woman, at least not back then. That was another thing which made me question his sexuality. However, my brother never felt molested by him, and to this day remembers him fondly.

So...I don't know what the answer is -- your friend's affection is a little abnormal, if well-intentioned. I think you would not be out of line to tell him to kindly knock it off. And keep an eye on him when he's with your son. Watch where he puts his hands.

Good Morning F.,

Have you ever looked his name up on meganslaw or http://www.familywatchdog.us/ ?? you never know...