Twin Girls Starting JrK - Together or Apart?

Hmm, lets see..I am a twin and I also have children of my own. Speaking of how I would have felt as a child being in a different school than my sister...It would probably have been better for us...socially, and scholastically. I grew up also being the one that always scored higher in testing. Yet my parents kept us in the same grade when the suggestion came up to have me move up a grade, this was in the early 80s when they really didn't do stuff like this.

(I'm a mother of a 3 year old boy and a 2 year old daughter. 13 months apart...twins must be very challenging, but fun. You are very blessed:)

Please keep in mind that very smart kids if left in regular school have an extremely high rate of depression, much higher suicide rate. Keeping them in a regular school bores them to such an amazing degree that they have problems coping. But once they are in the proper school they thrive. Your girls can spend time at home and on the weekends, school is for school. They will each make friends and can share stories when they come home. But the gifted one needs her needs met, and it sounds like a special school is necessary. Just make sure to tell your girls that both schools are equally great and one is not any better than the other.

My twins were also very different. Treat them as individuals from the go I say. Do the best for each of them and dont fuss more over the smart one and they will be fine. One of my sons went to genius classes. He is very smart but the other one has the common sense. They went to different classes from the beginning. Then each has a story to tell when they come home.

Hi B.,

I read your message with interest as I am also the mother of twins. Mine however, are now 22 years old, and they are boys - although I don't think that matters to your question. I also have a brother and a sister who are twins, and I was lucky to get a very good piece of advice from my sister when my boys were born. She told me to always remember that they are individuals first! My twins are fraternal, which might make a difference - but I have supported them having different interests and different friends since they were very young.

When my boys started kindergarten, they were also very young (Nov birthday), and one was significantly more advanced than the other. Because they were so young, I did request they be in the same class - but it was the only year that they were in the same class. I had the opportunity to work in the classroom that year, and found that the teacher never took the time to judge them as individuals...if one of them did something wrong, it didn't matter which, they were both in trouble. It was always Jon and Chris this, or Jon and Chris that...never just one of them. (And they don't look anything alike). She also recommended holding both of them back for another year because they were so young - but because one of them was doing very well after his first year, I felt it important to put both in 1st grade. They both did well, made different groups of friends - especially as they got older - although because of abilities, we did have them in different high schools for the last 2 years. Strangly enough, the one that had been doing so well in 1st grade was the one having trouble as a junior in high school. By that time they had grown into two such different people, that no one even believed they were brothers - never mind twins.

I think the most important thing is to ensure they know they are individuals with their own gifts, and while one might be better at school, perhaps the other will be better at friendships, or sports, or whatever. Stress their gifts and encourage those gifts, whatever they may be, and make sure they both know that they are truly blessings from God - even though they are very different. I would keep them in the same school at this age, just because they are young and having a twin is kinda special, but after the first year, I would not put them in the same classroom if you can avoid it. If it becomes apparent that Twin A is bored, or is not being challenged, then talk it over with them in a positive manner and see what they think about being apart. If they are both doing well in school, with separate groups of friends, it may not matter to them. When my twins were seperated in high school, there was no discussion about leaving each other - it was only the friends that were being left that were a problem.

By the way, I'm not sure if you're dressing your girls alike - and I'm sure it's different with girls...but my boys dressed the same on the first day of kindergarten, and never again. "It wasn't cool"

Good luck and God bless you all,
D.

I am a 37 y.o. twin. My sister and I are ferternal twins. we were in seperate classes at the same school during most of our school years. It was good for us because we could learn at our own pace without competing with each other. In high school we shared a few classes and my competative side showed. I had to outshine my twin. NOT GOOD. Let twin A go to the private school and encourage her education. When twin B finds her special gift , also encourage her. Appriciate both their talents and allow them to be who they are. It all worked out for us and it will work out for you. Have faith.

Hi B.,
I'm a twin who tested higher than my sister when we were young, so hopefully I can give you some insight. I would treat each child as though they were not twins when making this decision. If they were a few years apart you would consider what was best for them as an individual and put them into the school or class that was most appropriate and challenging, and there's no reason why you can't do the same with twins. That way each girl will live up to her own potential. Also, being apart will decrease the constant comparisons which twins are bombarded with growing up (who's smarter, who's prettier etc). It will help them make their own friends and be their own person. They have so much time together at home and outside of school to be "twins", so I wouldn't worry about that. They are still very young and don't have a preference about it all yet. If you start them off together and then years later decide to put them in separate schools it will be much harder on them to separate.

You'll find that twin B has some amazing gifts that twin A doesn't have and being out of twin A's shadow will help that to bloom - even if it's not academic. Perhaps she's more artistic etc.

Also, I'd lean towards the school that puts the kids into classes according to their ability vs. blending them. A blended class tends to teach to the lowest level and that's frustrating for the more advanced kids. At least that was my experience.

If you do put them in the same school, please consider separate classes. They need that bit of separation.

Best of luck to you!

Hello B.,
I am a mother of twin boys who are now ten. They too are extremely different in height and weight. The oldest is the smallest weighing 67 lbs and the youngest is very tall and weighs 139 lbs. I have them going to two different schools this year and both are doing great. It seems that at school they are identified as one whole person and not as twins. They can be themselves and not have to compete with each other. In your situation I would try the separation now why they are young to see how they do. You may want to put the one twin who didn't score high into dance class or an activity that she is interested in so she will shine just like her sister. If both girls have their own talents and are able to use them and show them off then their shouldn't be anyone getting their feelings hurt. Being a parent is not easy and sometimes we make the wrong decisions but at least we can say we tried. If putting them into different schools doesn't work then they are still young enough to adjust to being together in school. I hope I was helpful. Good luck!

B.

I am also blessed with 4½ year old twin girls (no other children), who are my greatest gifts from God.

B., I am also blessed with 4½ year old twin girls (no other children). Their personalities are also different. They are in the same preschool. However, come August they will be separated. This move will hopefully boaster their independence. And highlight their own pace with learning. I have learned that the teachers seem to compare my girls’ learning patterns against each other.

You did not mention your twin’s interaction; however, I suggest treating them as individuals first to ultimately make sure decision. Sometimes that can be difficult to do.

As individuals twin or not, they will learn as their own pace. You need to respect that. One of my twins is extremely smart, and I was concerned. The other twin is extremely active and never sits still, let alone stand still to learn. HOWEVER, I was surprise how much she DOES retain. So I do not worry about it any more.

Also, scientist (the research study) does not know everything. To put into perspective: Humans use about 1% of brain.

Do not feel guilty about different schools and/or pace.

Hope this helps.

I can tell you're agonizing over this, and I hope I can help. I have a bit of perspective on this one as I have children close in age (boy Oct. bday, and girl, Feb. bday 16 mos. apart). Also, I am a twin myself.

I know it's hard sometimes because we have these beautiful "pictures" in our minds of the different stages in our children's lives, but ... you're getting (way) ahead of yourself. Graduating high school together is not the most important thing. It sounds like you have two beautiful, healthy girls with different strengths and weaknesses. Maybe it would be easier if you thought of them as daughters close in age rather than your "twins". Fraternal twins are genetically no more alike than any other sisters. They each have have different needs, and everyone will benefit if you keep this in mind. If I were in your shoes I would repeat pre-K for daughter B. Having an October birthday is difficult enough. Just think, throughout her childhood daughter B will be compared to daughter A (who will ALWAYS have a much easier time academically). Acutally, you're lucky to know this definitively ahead of time. Give B the extra experience and confidence that will come from waiting to enter first grade. I know so many people who wish they had waited. Now is the time, before she starts "real" school. It will be much more difficult later on. My niece had to repeat 2nd grade. It was very difficult for her, but exactly what she needed. Now she is in middle school and on the honor roll.

With respect to twins, in one of my son's classes we had a brother and sister we thought were twins. In fact, they were just close in age (the brother started later). There was absolutely no problem at all with it. I guarantee that B would not be the only "late" starter in her class.

I agree it would be nice for A and B to go to the same school. Maybe you could start A first, and B next year. Since A is so bright, ask that she work with the more advanced students, or even take a subject with the next grade up. My daughter did this one year. They took a group of kids that had mastered the subject, and let them work together (with teacher supervision) on math from the next grade up. You have nothing to lose by asking and looking into it.

As for my twin experience, I have a fraternal twin sister and we are very different. We went to the same schools, but did not necessarily have the same teachers. We ate lunch together every day and had some (but not all) of the same friends. We moved a lot (military) and being the shy one it was wonderful to have an outgoing sibling to start a new school with. We usually studied together in high school, even though we weren't necessarily in the same class. I think our relationship would have been much the same if we were born a year or two apart. Your girls are going to grow up sharing the same experiences my sister and I had, regardless of whether or not they are in the same grade. In fact, if B is struggling and always being compared to the exceptionally gifted A then it could generate some true resentment.

It's easy to get worked up when your children start school. We want them to do well, to shine academically and in every other way. Try to relax and know that your girls have great things ahead of them with such loving, concerned parents at the helm.

Hello, I am an Identical Twin and my Sisiter and I are 7 minutes apart. I would just like to say that i think you should keep them in the SAME GRADE ALWAYS. Your girls have the same differences as all twins do. Whatever differences they have they will grow together figuring it out. Just allow them to be together until they are ready to split. Trust me MOM they will when they are older. Kind of a bummer. Please dont keep them in that study for too much longer because all it will do is show them how to compete against each other.

I foresee a problem with putting them in separate schools... at some point Twin B will figure out she's not being pushed as hard and will feel like less is expected from her. She will be considered the "dumb" twin. That's a hard burden to deal with even if she's not dumb. Check about getting them both in to the same school, especially if that school has an accelerated program.

Dear B.,

I hope I am not too late in responding. I have just not had the time to get to this note, as I hoped I would. I will try and be brief. I too have twin daughters, and they sound exactly like your A and B. My A is super fast and super smart. My B is smart as well, but slower and more of a day dreamer.

Personally, my council it to keep them in the same school and see what happens for a few years. Our girls are fraternal, so we have always had them in the same class. They are in 6th grade now. I may have thought to put them in different classes if they were identical, in order to let them forge their own identity. Work with the teachers to make sure that Twin A gets extra stuff to keep her challenged.

In our case, we found that Twin A may be super smart, but she needed help in her empathy skills and her "get along with others skills". Twin B is that master of these two things. We feel as though being smart is not the most important thing in life and that you need other life skills as well to success. Our Twin B may be slower than A, but she is better in the life skills department.

Again, I would put them together in the same school and give it some time. See if both girls succeed, or see what areas are lacking for which twin and then make your decisions about changing things.

My girls are both doing great in school. Twin A has been less challenged academically, but she has had time to work on her life skills. Twin B has pushed herself harder in order to keep up with Twin A. For us, it has been a win win situation.

I hope this helps. Again, I am sorry I am so late in responding.

I am a twin, with a twin sister, and I have twin boys. I also used to live in Hawaii, and I briefly home schooled.

I suggest putting them in different classrooms at the same school, just to get started. Not because of the academic differences, but for many, many, many other reasons. If one goes into the advanced program, and the other doesn't, they'll be fine as long as you don't get all dramatic about how great twin A is. Also, twin B may be just as smart or smarter than twin A. She may have been dominated by twin A, and has taken her assigned submissive role. Maybe a birth order book would shed more light on it than I can, but usually one twin takes the place as the first born and the other takes on the role as a younger sibling.

I was twin B, and twin A still likes to tell herself she's smarter because she got told that for so long, and I let her think it's true, just because I feel sorry for her...not everyone can be as smart as twin B!! HA! On a serious note, I hated my "sweetheart role." I felt it was really fake and that I had to dumb it down for the adults because that's what they were expecting. I lost a lot of respect for the adults around me, and I wasn't happy. I didnt feel like I could be "me" because I was the "nice one", while twin A was the "smart one". She, in turn, behaved like a menace.

My twin and I were in the advanced programs, and although it was more enjoyable than the regular program, the kids in the program weren't any smarter than the ones who weren't. They just enjoyed school more, had more motivation, did their homework, etc. Or they had one of those pushy moms who volunteered for everything so her kid would get accepted into the program. I believe a program with mixed levels develops better social skills and prepares children more effectively for real life. In real life, you work with people of all intelligence levels. You have to learn how to utilize human resources, in any group situation, baseball to the board room, and that can only be achieved through diversity of skill.

If you look up IQ's in this country, and figure out the percentage of people who are "gifted" and then look at the percentage of kids in "gifted programs"....there is a suspiciously large number of kids in the gifted programs...OK, so what happened? School made them dumb?

If your kid likes to learn, she will learn everything there is to learn, no matter what school or program she is in. Just add to the equation by finding a great school. It doesn't have to be a private school. In fact, I switched from public school to private school in high school, and wow, those kids were stupid. They had lived in little bubbles. I felt like I was in 6th grade when I was in 9th. It was awful.

I would like to suggest the book Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber & Mazlish. You might find the section on 'Siblings In Roles' very helpful as you move forward with this decision. I've been reading this book since my youngest was born 3 years ago. I come back to it time and again when faced with the kind of decision you're faced with now. Good luck!

My girls not twins but 15months apart. As close as they was when they was little every1 thought they was twins. All children are different. My youngest is smarter than the oldest. But that never stopped them from competing with each other or others. They both went 2 the same school but different classes. I volunteered in both rooms. Alternating days 4days a week. 1 day to myself so they could get used to mommy not being there all the time. It also teaches them to do things on their own. Both my girls r straight A's thru school. Some struggles but they overcame them. They r both n high school now and about 2 graduate. And I'm proud of both of them. And yes my youngest is still smarter than the oldest but they help each other with homework. Depends on the subject that they r weakr n.The strongest n that subject helps out. It works out real good. Send them 2 the same school but different classes. They will turn out just fine.

Have you considered homeschooling them? You can get different curriculmns that fit their style of learning. Bob Jones university Press would be the hardest one that the highest child could blossom well with. Sonlight would be a great one for the regular child. I homeschool my four children and we use Bob Jones. It is a top Christian publisher. I have one child who scores genius and another who is severe dislexic. You as the mom know exactly what your child's strenths and weeknesses are and that is what makes homescooling a great option. You can go as fast or slow as each child needs. And yes, they do get socialization. They are in Sunday school and church and other activites you do.Good Luck. If you need to find any curriculumns or find a group of other christian homeschool moms that can support and encourage you e-mail me back. D.

I just wanted to let you know that as a twin myself, I don't think it would be a good idea to send them to a different school. They will always be compared some how or way in life no matter where they are because it seems that people have a natural instinct to compare the things that are the same.I think in the long run, one of the twins will probably feel less important then the other one( less special).Most schools have programs that will help each individual child at the level they will be educationally stimulated. I also know from personal experience that it is completely a bad idea to have them share a class.My mother always had us in separate classes to avoid the comparing. We even had morning and afternoon kindergarten classes at different times. It worked out great for me and my sister.We never even noticed and thanked our mom later for it.The first time we ever shared a class was in the 8th grade.We had tested for an honors math class and did well. We were very excited to get it and to share a class together.
That was until the first day.We just get started and the teacher hands out our test paper that we had taken and his very first comment was,"Oh, I see we have Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb in our class." With our shock of his comment, we looked at our tests and one was a 98% and the other was a 97%.We both walked out of the classroom and never shared a class again and were alright with it.Anyways the reason I told you that was because as a twin I loved being in the same school with my sister no matter how different we were. We always encouraged and helped each other with our difficult subjects especially if it were some thing they were stronger in and never felt judged. Now, if we were in seperate schools I don't think that we would be as close as we are still today.

I am a mother of three and my experience has proven to me to treat the children the same and let them enjoy learning social skills, playing and learning to be self confident is just as important as school work until at least the 3rd grade. Every child is a gift and every child blossoms at their own rate. Treat them equally and give them as much extra help with school work as they need to help them excel. Of course you have to make the final decision and "feel" good about your decision. I had my youngest child also a late birthday attend a pre K class and then a Kindergarten class and it was the best choice I ever made. (I didn't hold back the other two with Aug BD, I wish I had) Good luck

I am not in your situation as my keiki are 3 and 1, but my good friend and her Mom (a retired school teacher from HI) were talking about the whole preschool/pre-K/Kindergarten program thing just last night.

My friend, M, will be putting her 4.5 year old DD into what is called the PEPP program here in Poway (San Diego area). It is basically for 4.5-5 yo who need more time developing socially, emotionally or academically before going into Kindergarten through our public school system. Although academically her DD is on target and can handle, emotionally she is VERY timid and gets pushed around a bit by other kids in her preschool class. So they decided to put her in the PEPP program this coming fall.

Her Mom said that she wished that they had a similar program in Hawaii when she was teaching because she saw so many kids that for one reason or another just needed that extra time early on to catch up either emotionally or academically, especially if they were born later in the year.

So maybe you could test out the waters with the program that groups the children by capabilities. That would test whether your children feel safe being separated in school. It would also give you the chance to see if "A" can handle the emotional/social aspect of being in a higher academic program and will also let you see if "B" can handle the "normal" level and expectations of school. Does that make sense?

For example, even though "A" is academically read, she may not do so well in a large classroom social environment and that may affect her academic progress so it may be better for her to be in a smaller class setting. And "B" may not technically be at the same level academically now, but if she is more outgoing than "A" she might just flourish through peer modeling if she is put into a class with kids who are "smarter" than her. KWIM?

Another thing you can do is to put them into the same class at a regular school where they aren't divided up by academic capability for this next year to see what happens and then make a decision to either put one into a higher academic program next year when they are in Kindergarten.

I know that getting into private schools is so tough in Hawaii. My niece was on the list for Punahou since she was practically born!

I would also put both kids on the wait list for the private schools of your choice. THat way at least you have another option available for your kids. And you never know, you could be offered scholarships for both kids and both could get accepted. You can always decline later.

Good Luck!

First off, since you're a believer, have you taken this to the Lord in prayer? Next....junior kindergarten? They're still pretty young. Personally, I'd keep them together this year for the extra confidence/security boost, then you'll have some more info to be able to analyze how it went and what to do for real kindergarten. Also, since you're going bck to work full-time, that will be a huge adjustment for the girls, as well as the jrK. So, IMO, put one LESS change and adjustment into their lives and keep them together. I think it might be a little traumatic to separate them. Also, when it is time to separate, I'd keep them in the same school, just different classes. Don't forget about the special bond these two have---don't cut them apart because of your concerns about the differences between the two. (Besides if one really is significantly smarter than the other, the other one knows already or will know soon. You can't hide it!) In the meantime, look for areas and things where the "other" twin can excell---art, dance, sports. Get her/them involved in all kinds of activitites so you can see where she will shine and then work on fostering that area. Also, don't "dumb" her down just because of some testing. The results are not engraved in stone and she will also sense how you're treating her differently, if she hasn't already. Sometimes those tests hurt more than help. Pretend you've never had them tested and treat them both as if they were very bright. That will do nothing but help. When my older son was in school, we had two sets of twins in his grade. One set (boys)was separated at kindergarten and they cried for about a week or two, then settled down. The other set (girls) was kept together for kindergarten and separated sometime after that---I'm not sure when. They all thrived and did really well. And when they were younger, they played with their other twin on the playground, but as they got older, they started making different friends and often played with other kids. I think they just naturally separate on their own when they're ready. It seems like the best way for it to occur. Lastly, I'd put them in a school where all the students are mixed in the classroom. I have two very bright boys who were eligible to switch schools to the gifted classes and we chose to not do this. They've done fine. One needed "extra challenge" and his teacher gave him projects to do on the side. Anyway, I think this situation will draw less attention to the differences in your daughters. Good luck, sounds like you're working hard on being great parents.

Dear B.,

After reading your story I felt very much connected to your situations. I have 4 year old twin boys, very different, 10 pounds and 2 inches apart. One is excelling in very different ways than the other. Although I haven't done all the testings you have done, just by being their mother I know how different their capabilities are, one writes his name and other words perfectly the other can't even hold the pencil. One remembers evey song every word in a story we read, the other is already getting frustrated because he wants to but can't.As a result we work with one on holding the pencil and the other one works on writing bigger words every day. That is how the school should treat them, be sensitive to their individual needs while keeping im mind they are twins. I know it is easier said then done. In our case, they are in preschool in the same class, and later on in a few years we will decide based on how theyactually do not on what we expect they will be doing. In my opinion the most important thing at this age is emotional security, and allowing them to develop healthy social skills. Eventually they will all learn their ABCs and the other important things, but giving them the right start emotionally will allow them to cope with whatever changes they will have to endure later, such as separate schools or class rooms. At a young age in my opinion it is too hard to cope with loosing each other, since they are little people that co exist every second of the day since conception.
Pretend you haven't done all the tests, since you are really privileged most of us don't have that kind of info, and make a decision based on what your instincts dictate not on what the tests show. Kids develop in such different ways and speed that I am not sure how accurately these tests can predict their future abilites. As my husband would say too much analysis leads to paralysis !

No matter what the reason is, you should never hold a child back. Consider this. What if you hold them both back to repeat kindergarten, and then kid B ends up needing to be held back another grade, later on. You've just held back the bright one for nothing. Also, she will need more stimulation, or else she will be bored and frustrated. I know kid B might be a little frustrated later on, but you would almost be neglecting the needs of the other one. Put them in the school that separates the kids according to their skill level and if one needs to be held back, let them do it. Don't hurt the other one.

Aloha from California! You are lucky to live in "paradise" as Kailua is a beautiful town. Anyway, I used to teach kindergarten, and I recommend sending the girls to the same school, but having them in different classrooms so they don't feel like they are competing with one another. This also gives them their own identity as individuals, and their own set of friends. Though your one daughter scored high, and the other one low does not mean that they both won't do well. In kindergarten, so much learning takes place, and most teachers will provide extra help to those students who need it, and will also challenge those that are already on a higher level, so I would not worry about it. Ultimately, though, I feel that it is important to send the girls to the same school so that they don't grow up thinking they are drastically different from one another. I hope this helps with your decision.

I am a Faternal Twin, and a mother of 2 boys. I would be twin A and my sister would be twin B. My sister and I went to the same school but never the same class. It is hard because we had the same friends. She had special tutoring when we were in Junior High for her reading and comprehension skills. I think she always felt stupid compared to me, and resented me for everything. Children are not very sensative to other peoples feelings. They don't understand at young ages.

There is no way getting around it if you put one daughter in a private school and one stays home. How will you explain that to daughter B when she is old enough to understand? Oh your not smart enough for a private school? Your sister has a higher IQ than you? Daughter B has the same ability to be a doctor some day as daughter A.Be careful at what you say around your girls. They hear and understand what you are saying. Daughter B should not feel she is not as good as daughter A. I would cancel all the testing you are doing with them and focus on being little kids. If the tests are truly benefiting them or are they Ginnie pigs for some sociology majors? Fraturnal twins have always been a great subject for the Nature verese Nuture theory. I don't see why they need to do MRI on your girls. I would seriously reconsider all the information you are getting ,and how you are reacting to it and how you are treating your daughters differently because of this information.

Since you live in Hawaii and plan on staying in Hawaii, I would do my best to raise happy healthy little girls and not worry so much at 4 years old if they are scholors or not.They are twins and there is no getting around that fact. Putting them in seperate school would be fine. It might be a good thing. Because they are like night and day, this will give them an opportunity to be their own selves without being compared to each other. Its hard being a fraturnal twin because people think you should be the same. And you really just happen to be 2 babies born on the same day.usually conceived at different times.That is why you have such a differnce in birth weight. Baby A was probally conceived a month after baby B. You were still dropping eggs when you were already pregnant. This is very common.

I would keep them back a year. Even though little girls are socially better then little boys, I think its better to be the oldest in your class verses the youngest. It doesn't really matter now but it will in Highschool.

I hope I didn't just rant on, and I made some sense to you.I can tell you are a great Mom and are concerned about your daughters. But Having the wonderful environment you have and loving them is all that really matters. They will bloom at their own time.Remember God has a plan for everyone.
N.

Hi, I think it would be best to get twin B in the mixed class with the "mentor" children, but I would definitley want twin A to be in the "advanced" class. Even so, without hurting the smart twin's feelings or drawing attention to this problem, you need to work with twin B as much as possible at home too. Having said that, I am an identical twin, and we loved each other dearly, but there was also this unspoken competitiveness. It would be good to find something that twin B is great at, that is totally different than what twin A excels in. That way, there are less comparisons, and you can later explain that each is good at their own talents, if that should come up later. Best of luck!!

I don't have twins, but as a high school teacher, I once had a set of triplets. One was gifted -- taking advanced classes, one "normal", and one special needs. Because I teach an elective class, I ended up with all 3 of them, but not all in 1 class. They were aware of each others strengths and weaknesses, but were still close as brothers. I think it is possible for them to remain close even if they go to different schools. If you get the opportunity for private school for 1, I think you should take it. How would she feel if she later found out she was "held back" by her sister? If you notice it isn't working out, you could always remove her from private school.

I am really interested in hearing what responses you get. I have twin boys who are 4. They are also very different. Twin A is intelligent, focused, loves to read and is very analytical. Twin B is very artsy, loves music, drawing and making up stories. He does not not focus well.
I am also wondering what to do about school. I think I am going to have them in separate classes, but I am also wondering about extra activities. Do I make them both go even though 1 will not enjoy it? I have to have them with my anyway, so it is hard to have them in separate activities. Anyway, it is a big question for me also.
A--

Hi B.,
I am a christian, elementary school teacher, an identical twin and a mommy of an 8 month year old little boy. I read your request and thought I should respond.

As kids my sister and I went to preschool all the way through 12 grade together. We loved it!! My mom was concerned about us not being individuals if we were in the same class. So one year she seperated us into different classes. When she did that we both were getting frequent tummy aches. Then she decided to put us together. When that happened we were fine.

My sister and I were also born in october (7th). My mom didn't start us in Kindergarten until we were about 6. I can say it was so special to both of us that we were able to gradute together and then go off to college. We are very close and we both have wonderful families.

I feel that it is important to keep them in the same school that mixes their abilities. They need to know that they are both smart girls. Since one scored higher on a test maybe that twin could get a littler more challenging work.

Growing up many kids would ask me who is the nice twin and who is the mean twin? I hated that because we both were nice. I wouldn't want that for your daughters when it comes to academics. Thats why I suggest you keep them at the same school.

I have taught in Kindergarten and I know that the teacher can accomidate you if you need a bit more challenging work for one of your girls.

I hope this helps and I want you to now that as one mom to another no one can take care of your children the way you can! God will speak to you and I know you'll make the right decision.

P.S. Your so lucky you live in Hawaii...it's beautiful there. We live in California.

I have two boys, 10 and 12, and I know these are your first time children so it is normal to try to be the perfect parent and do all the things you should do and worry about everything. If you have more kids it will totally change. Anyway, what I see in your situation is that there is a lot of focus on them being "twins", but they sound more like two different kids, just like mine. One is really intelligent and one is just average. The older one has high IQ, but can't do well in school because they said he has aspergers. The younger one gets good grades and loves to read but is a bit of an airhead. But what I've found is that they both have plenty to offer the world, brains don't always make a person successful, it's more social skills and personality that makes some people really successful in life. I would raise them both with plenty of encouragement in their own areas of expertise, and not focus so much on the genuis aspect of it. That's like focusing more on your more attractive child (so to speak) and playing favorites. I think if you treat the more average child as if they are just as important and special and try to give them equal attention that there is no reason to have prejudice toward either one. The twin part is only in appearance, obviously. They do have that connection that twins have, but they both need to be individuals in your eyes. The world is already biased toward them that they must be alike, but now you know better and can give them what is best. I would find something special for the younger one to do, gymnastics, dance, sports, something she can excel at on her own, just like the older one.

You say that if they weren't twins this wouldn't be such a dilemma. I say go with that. Why treat them different than you would normal siblings just because they came out of the womb at the same time. They are still 2 individuals who deserve to be given the same chances as any other set of siblings. Society will pigeon hole them enough based on the fact that they are twins, I don't think mom should do it too. Yes it will be difficult to have one be smarter than the other, but the other may surprise you. And the "smarter" one may just be advanced for her age and then be normal as she grows up. I understand your wanting to keep everything equal in the household, but the simple fact is that life isn't like that. I think if you raise them in a household in which you push each daughter to do her best in what each of them is good in, it won't matter that one is going to a "special" school and one is not. As children they may not completely understand, but I think as adults they will understand, appreciate, and respect you for not treating them so differently just because they were twins. Good luck.

They will be 5 in October, right? I would keep them both in kindergarten next year and then start first grade together the following year. I think you said this is what you want to do. My daughter is a Nov. baby and I "held her back" (not really holding back, most states require to be 5 by Sept. 1st). Seperate schools? No way! I have no right to feel so strongly about it, but I just do. Different teachers, fine. My best friend growing up has a twin brother. My friend was very smart and her brother, well, not that he wasn't smart he was just not as smart as her. Her parents kept him back in 1st grade and she went on to 2nd grade. He was ALWAYS labled as the dumb one - it was funny as a kid but I know it started bothering him in Jr. High/Highschool. He is married with kids and fine now but I know he dealt with... you are twins? But how come you are in 7th grade and your sister is in 8th, what are you stupid?? etc...

** After reading many responses you recieved, I don't feel as strongly about having them in different schools. I see how that would be OK. For me, I would just prefer to have my kids at the same school.

Hope that helps a little!
M.

Hi B., I have gone to a few seminars and have always wanted the best for my four children, knowing they will all have different gifts and talents. They will all achieve differently in different areas than the others. I went to a seminar by Andrew Peduaw (sp) who has been taking Excellence in Writing Program all over the US. He has homeschooled all of his children. Also I have been to a few Classical Conversations meetings. Both of these education models..which are amazing, insist on not doing "grade levels"..but allow the children's abilities to direct where they go...In my opinion it would not be fair to keep them together if one may be gifted and one might not be( or rather is in different areas ), and forego what you might have "planned" in your mind of what you want for them. God might have different plans. I know in your mind you have your own ideas because they are twins, but you have to see more than they are twins, God made them as individuals and you have to make their education decisions based on the fact that they were wonderfully and fearfully made..as individuals. That will allow them both to grow in self-confidence and achieve what they can achieve based on the gifts and opportunities God and you give them. SOme will get C's and some get A's. Also, many gifted students end up dropping out when teachers insist on keeping them at "peer" level because they are bored and don't "fit in". They are beyond their peers. I just would prayerfully suggest you pray for each one as individuals and give them the opportunities they need to best use the giftedness God gave them. I would discourage you from always thinking you need to make decisions based on them "together"..God made them in the same womb for a reason, but moreso, He made them as individuals...and he will use them and guide them as individuals..if you make decisions based them as individuals , I believe they will not "compare" one to the other so much.. My sister in law has twins, and I am no expert, put I have a passion for education and learning. I will pray for you and I know from experience...He will show you exactly what to do...although you may have to give up some of your own "plans"..Love your Sister-in-Christ, S.

I believe you need to make this decision based upon your children's needs, personalities, and your gut instincts. Once you've decide where your children may go to school you need to meet (or select) the teacher and discuss your concerns.

As a primary teacher, I have had sets of twins stay together and many other times the twins were separated. There was only one time that I suggested the twins really needed be separated. One was very dominate and his ability was much higher. He also had discipline problems where the other twin was quiet and submissive. I currently have a bro/sis set of twins in my 1st grade classroom and they are doing beautifully! You would never know that they are twins.

I think your children will pick up on the fact that you expect more from one than the other very quickly. I hope you are careful about dwelling on ability levels at this point in their lives. Although there are charts and data that "experts" use to decide how intelligent children are, I know that each child develops in our own unique way and time. I really have a concern when children/students (in primary grades) get labeled and compared. This could have a huge impact on their self image.

My opinion would be to send them to Kindergarten together. Research the "perfect" teacher for your children and then have the same expectations for both of them. You may be surprised how far your second twin will rise when she knows that her family believes in her.

Aloha B....I read with interest your dilema with your twin girls and them starting school...we too, have boy/girl twins, though ours are now in 9th grade. They are as different as night and day, one is blonde haired/blue eyes, the boy is brown haired, brown eyed....they've totally flip-flopped in size since birth...he was 6.6 at birth, she was 5.6 at birth...she was always tiny until she hit 11 and puberty (so young), then she put on a fair bit of weight, but that is now coming back off at 15 1/2...he has shot up past her now. Both were (are) very intelligent and did very well on testing etc. all through school, but I wanted them to be together at first (those first few years of school), then I insisted they be separated to get their own idenity which was a good thing. We kept them in public school (because we had an excellent school district) and in the classes they excelled in they just put them in the advanced classes (or gifted classes)...now, at 9th grade (their first year of high school) they chose to do on-line school, so we have them at home with us doing school, which they can go at their own pace. They were in advanced math until NOW....doing on-line has been difficult in that class because there is no "hands-on" teacher to explain anything...so now I'm taking them for tutoring in that.

I have twin sibling sisters AND a twin brother & sister in my own family...so we come from a family of twins. My husband and I had our first daughter (she's now married), a son who graduates in mid-May, and then we were blessed with twins! I guess the Lord knew that we couldn't do it all on our own, so that we'd have to put a whole lot of trust in Him! = )

I hope you'll get lots of good advice. For us, we didn't want to separate the kids TOO much, but just have them mainstreamed, but given the advantage of being WORKED to their own ability and capability!

I also lived in Kailua, HI when I was a teenager before I got married...I moved over there from WA, rented an apt. on Kailua Road (in some of the Military housing area) with 4 other girls.....we had a great time. That was clear back in 1976 & 1977.....now, after nearly 24 years of marriage, we're retired and living in AZ. But, for me, I don't really feel like true retirement will come until ALL the children are grown and away from home.

Sincerely, P.

Dear B.,

I don't have twins but my best friend growning up was a twin & their mother so carefully raised them to be individuals and not lumped together! They went shopping seperately for prom dresses their senior year and came home indepedently with the exact same dress! :)

I have 3 children 1 w/ special needs (a form of Autism) I believe in treating the child NOT the test! Don't over think their education! Meet their emotional needs and they will shine all on their own exactly where God wants them to! Just relax and love them and I know you do!!!!

I have twin girls also, age 3 1/2, and although they are very different from one another (and they are fraternal, not identical), the attachment they have to one another is very strong. They will start pre-k in the fall as well, and I plan to keep them in the same class together at least through the first 2 or 3 years of school. I think it would be too emotionally traumatic for them to be forcibly separated. They do socialize well in preschool, so it's not like they only socialize with one another, but they are still very attached to one another, and I am in no hurry to force them to go their separate ways, so to speak. I can see if they are on different learning levels later on to separate them, but this young, I think the emotional aspect is a bigger issue.

Just my .02.

Hi B.,

my husband has been a first grade teacher for 11 years (in CA), and he recommends that you don't separate them (at least for now). Because it is still in the early stage (pre-K). And there is always a great chance that Twin B will catch up, even if she's not going to be as intelligent as her sister; she (Twin B) may thrive in other areas that may be more advanced then her sister - and they will balance each other out (i.e. one is book smart, the other is socially/leadership smart etc). Basically, he doesn't recommend separating them just yet (unless it's so significantly necessary).

I wouldn't say that you have to put them in the same class, but definitely, not in different schools.

I don't have twins but my friend who has 4 year old fraternal twin boys purposefully put them in different classes (at the same preschool) because she noticed that one boy relied on the other one. For example, one twin wouldn't pay attention and his brother who is a good listener would tell him what to do. So the separation actually helps both of them learn how to function independently.

Good luck!

Hi there, I come from a family of twins twins twins. I myself am not one but thought I would say a couple of things. I have studied multiple births since I was young because of such interest and one thing I think all studies say and twins themselves will tell you, they are just 2 people that happened to be born together. Yes I understand the "twin" phenonmena but I am sensing your twins are fraternal right? Thus making them even more individual. I think if you step back for one second and just remove the word "twin" from your assessment of the situation it may help a bit. Sometimes we do need to not think of them in that way. I think you should definitely encourage, enhance and always support whatever education each of your children needs so seperately you should consider each girl's need and requirements. I know you want to keep them together but it may be time to let them be who they are individually instead of who they are because of their birthday. Today my Mom is 59, still lives with her (identical) twin siter, has no life and they still dress similar. It is actually sad to see it like that........They truly are so different.......

The study they are in at UH, what is that for? Have you thought maybe you are being studied? Perhaps they are giving you information about the girls that is leading you to believe all these differences in their intelligence levels which is causing you to treat them differently and to see them as one being far superior intellectually than the other.

Howard Gardner says there are 7 types of intelligence. Apparently twin A is displaying the academic types. Good for her. This will lead to success in school. What are you doing to find out your other daughter's strong points and nurturing those? How are you preparing them for life outside of the academic/scholastic world?

I am a preschool teacher. In my class, I have to differentiate my instruction to meet the needs of all the children individually. I think if you send them to public school, they will be assessed and placed with their same ability level peers. This can be within the same class or in separate classes. Good for both of them. Public schools have an accountablity factor that privates don't, for their teaching staff and implementation of curriculum. Too many times I have seen "a good church member" teach classes in private schools who have no child development background. They either give them a booklet for the child to work in on their own, or they teach very young children lecture-style like you would for older students.

I think you need to be discovering what interests each one of them and build on that. If the creative one is interested in music build on that. She can learn through that medium. The same with sports, drama, dance, gardening, cooking, etc.

Give some consideration to pulling your children from the study, or just let them do all their testing and not ask for or participate in the results. If you don't know, then it won't influence you and cause you all this struggle. YOu will have to make a conscience decision to forget what you have previously heard. Also, discover what twin B is exceptional at and nurture that so she has an area of expertise like her sister has in academics.

I don't have any personal experience but I have friends who are twins and they always had to fight for their individual identity as they got older. I think if you did put them in separate schools that's one way to element the constant comparison that will inevitably happen. Plus it makes sure that the twin who needs more intellectual stimulation will get it and the other who needs a slower/normal pace will get it. They will still be the best of friends because they still live together but they will have their needs met without thinking they have to measure up to each other.

Very difficult decision you have to make and I wish you luck.

I don't have twins myself but I think that it might be a good thing to have separate schools. You might even see that twin B will start excelling much more by being with more typical peers; especially since twin A is more advanced. I don't live in Hawaii but with the school system in Nevada I could see that having them in the same school has the potential of them being compared especially if they are in the same class. Of course you know they can't be compared because they are individuals. I have also seen some studies where having twins together in elementary school can get in the way of them developing relationships with other peers because they are much more connected to eachother. Something to consider is that nothing is set in stone when you make your choice. There is no way anyone could speculate how it will go either way but you will always have the option to change things if it doesn't work. Go with your gut and modify your plan if you need to. Best wishes.