Placing Twins in Separate Grades?

The "normal" bell curve is so wide at this age -- some perfectly normal kids don't read until the end of first grade -- so taking an action that is dramatic (i.e. separating them by a grade) seems premature at this point, even for one child, and the consequences for your family dynamics are so great that there really isn't margin for "experimenting" here.

On the other hand, if they are young for their class now, you might consider just holding them both back. It has nothing to do with their capabilities right now, but rather, banks on the fact that if their birthday is just before the school cutoff, they might always be young for their class and therefore immature physically, emotionally and socially. Why rush them. Please see my response to the other question about twins that was posted by coincidence right before your post.

Cheers

K.

1 mom found this helpful

You need to do what is right for each of your children. I would definitely wait until an evaluation was done to make a final decision, but boys are kinda funky. I have 3 boys, all summer birthdays, all incredibly smart and all at different social and emotional levels for their ages. My oldest is very immature socially and my youngest very mature. We held the first 2 back and didn't send them to kinder until they were 6. Our youngest we sent to kinder at 5. He was ready, his brothers were not.

Let R excel. Let him be the leader in his own grade. It is okay for them to not be in the same grade.

M may need to be out of his brother's shadow a bit. My brother and I were very close in age and followed one right after the other in school. Not until junior high when my brother and I went to different schools was I not pre-judged by teachers and allowed to excel myself. It only got better in High School.

The family dynamics will undoubtably change. Anytime R wants to egg on M, all he has to do us bring up the he got held back and call him stupid. That is something you are going to have to deal with as a family. It may not be possible to put them in separate schools (I do not know the Kingsville area) but do they have any private schools that R can go to to excel? That way they can have their own friends and own social circles. Just because they are twins does not mean they have to have the same friends or go to the same place, like the same things, etc.

Good Luck. It is such a hard decision.

As an ex-teacher but a mom also, I think we push our kids to grow up too quickly!! So often we want a little adult and don't let them be kids!! I would really fight against this because it will do harm to him mentally. It might not show now but in years it will. Also, kids are mean anyway (natural order) and if he is the kid being picked on, they will pick on him in a repeat of Kinder also-just different kids. If his grades are adequate, I say promote him. If his behavior is okay with minding, staying on task, etc. advance him. One of the best quotes that helped me with my children: "All kids are gifted-some just wait to open their gifts later." At some point this will all even out-it may not be until adulthood or college but the repercussions are just too risky. After all, we as adults are all on different levels!!!

Is it possible to get extra help with this one child to help advance him or at least keep up. I would also have him retested before doing this like you said it will cause a problem not only now but later also. This one is hard good luck with the testing and the decision for you all.

Did they try separating them from each others class yet? This was successful for my twins.

I have two year faternal twin boys and I would not hold on back unless it was absolutely necessary. Faternal twins in my opinion are more competitive and subject to comparsion as is. I would not add to this dynamic if it could be avoided. My boys are like yours in that the younger one has a very advanced vocabulary and is the bossy one and the older one has been diagnosed with a communication and speech delay. I have seen first hand my older son become frustrated with his brother out talking him. Instead of holding him back I would get him a reading tutor and work with him over the summer to get him caught up.

Something very similar happened to my husband when he was young. he is an identical twin. His brother was not behind or having challenges---he was "at grade level." My husband is very precocious and very outgoing and outspoken. He skipped 1st grade while my brother in law went to 1st grade. They had some friends together, but a large part of their childhood was spent making lots of new friends in different grades and getting involved in many things.

My in laws are very glad they did this and have no regrets. My husband says that from about 5th grade on, people forgot they were "twins" and knew they were brothers. This was great for them....because the boys were sick and tired of being called "the twins"---like they were one person or something.

find out the results. if so then hold him back. i would even consider holding him back if you could eventually bump him back up later in elementary school.

I wouldn't do it. It doesn't sounds like he's terribly behind. If anything, get him extra help to keep him up to par. Tutoring, or something along those lines. Being in a different grade as his own twin will do him no good in the long run. He will be labeled and that will be questioned until adulthood. I guarantee you he has a talent that R does not have. Hopefully that will be discovered. As for being picked on (and believe me, I am not judging your parenting...as I am in the situation myself) I would not tolerate any bullying from R. I would sit them down sometime when no one is in trouble and talk about what you are not going to tolerate from them. Name calling, hitting, picking...whatever it may be. I think they are old enough to not need warnings. When it happens, punish them with something that will hurt (ex: taking away something that means a lot to them). Remind them daily that family comes first. They don't always have to agree with one another or be best friends but family is forever and they WILL always show each other respect.

I am not a twin, but I was held back a year in grade school. I can remember always being embarrassed about being help back. Growing up we were very active at my Temple. All the kids at Temple seemed to know I was held back, My parents held me back in regular school, but not at Religious school. AS I grew older, it became more embarrassing for me. My point being, your twin that is held back may feel the same way. Everyone will always know he was held back because his twin will be a year ahead. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but huge to a kid! I say if you can, do not hold one of them back.

My recommendation (after testing) would be to consult with a Child Psychologist about the impact of separating the twins via different grade levels. My daughter was very behind with reading in the first grade. Her teacher and principle said that they would never make a child repeat a grade if it would be "emotionally detrimental". Considering the school your boys attend is small, I would imagine that they could work with you! Could you press them to let M continue on with additional tutoring outside of school?
Wishing you and your family all the best.
H

P.S. My daughter is now at grade level! She attended Kumon for a year and the additional work paid off!

gosh your M and R are my M and Z. My Z is the leader of the pack, the social butterfly, she shares her top of class spot with M, but M is more slow-going, more emotional, and more dependent on Z who makes sure she doesn't include M in anything while in Kindergarten. I have made the decision to split them for 1st grade. they went in same class to kindergarten, and i can tell it was a mistake.
If M has to repeat kindergarten, it will be a small setback for him and you, but he will flourish at his own pace next year, esp. without R's presence. He will develop his own friendships. I say it's ok. If that happens, it will be ok. good luck

I know of very few schools that hold a child back in kindergarten. Usually retention is not even considered until 1st grade. What month were they born? Are they the older ones in the class or younger?

What is the reasoning behind retaining him? If it is academics, I would fight it and get him as much tutoring as possible starting now.

My son, now a 2nd grader, had a really hard time learning to read in 1st grade. But, I refused the advice to automatically retain him. As the year finished off, he had pulled his reading grade to passing for the last 9 weeks, but he still failed for the year. He went to summer school, passed it with an 87.

Now this year, he has pulled his reading and language arts grade up to 90s. His teacher and I were discussing recently that they wanted to retain him last year (she was also his summer school teacher). We were both astounded that they were so adamant about it at this time last year.

I think you know what is best. I am a twin and my sister got held back in 3rd grade and it didn't affect anything. I didn't think any differently towards her. We had very different personalities and so we ended up in different social groups than each other but it did not have a negative affect on anything. Hope this helps!

I think it would be terribly unfair to hold back R just b/c M is being held back and you want them to be together. By the same token, if M is already a bit behind and being bullied as a result, it would be unfair to allow him to advance against the advice of the professionals. Allowing him to stay in Kinder for another year would allow him to gain confidence and find his own 'niche,' while not in the shadow of his brother. I think you need to look at them as individuals and treat them as such, as difficult as I know that must be. The longer you wait (i.e., waiting until after first or 2nd or 3rd grade to 'see how he does'), the harder it will be for M and the more social stigma it will have. My neighbor's son repeated Kinder and he is doing GREAT in 2nd grade. He is extremely popular and a bright student performing well. Hope this helps and best of luck to you.

A.,
Hello there. I also have boy/boy fraternal twins that function different academically. They are 9 and one is more advanced than his twin. We have always kept them in the same grade and in the same class. The level of fondness they have for each other changes from day to day, but their level of competitiveness with each other doesn't. Keeping one back would have thrown off the dynamic of their relationship in a very negative way. As you may know, "it is a twin thing".
Kindergarten is still very young for a child to be labeled as behind. I am happy to say that my twin that was slower to read and write in K and first grade is now catching up nicely to his brother even though they are in 4th grade. I did make sure my son received help and support to address his academic needs, but separating them was never an option. It has also been helpful to have my more advanced son bringing home the same homework, study guides and general knowledge about the class instruction as his twin. That way if there was a question about an assignment that my slower twin could not answer, his brother was right there. That has been a HUGE help. My more advanced twin has learned a great deal about patience and kindness toward a brother that had to work much harder than him at school to get the same grade. Conversely, the son that is slower in school has become a great athlete and is enjoying being good at that right now. His twin has to work much harder to be good at sports.
I would keep them together, get him tested, bring in educational reinforcements, give him another year and take advantage of them being in the same class.
Good luck.
L.

I repeatd kindergarten and was probably better off.
M needs the extra time ot catch up to R. THere will be something that M will do better. Maybe he can play baseballor sports better, or maybe the violin, piano or languages.
I have 2 girls ONe is advanced for her age adn always has been, the other is very social and just a normal kid. When my younger one compares herself to her sister, I always say to her.
1 We don't compare any one to S.
2 God gave us our own talents. I don't do computers, Daddy doesn't do bills. S doesn't have any intonation, you have a concert coming up. She refuses languages adn you are learning German and Latin at the same time.
Stress the importance of the contributons of both boys and how both are different in their own way.
Above all make sure R knows how proud of him you are for trying.

Hi A.,

I am sure it is not an easy to hear what the teacher/principle has shared with you about R and M. I don't have twins but I have been a teacher for many years and have dealt with many sets of twins.

I think putting them in different grades is not a bad idea, they are individuals even though they are twins, it would be good for them to have an opportunity to be in different classrooms so they can start developing their own unique personality.

They will have plenty of opportunities to spend time together as siblings. Being in different classrooms will give them an opportunity to be their own person without the constant comparison, day in day out at school.

In the long run, this will benefit them I hope.
I am sure you'll do what is BEST for them individually.