Forgive or Move On

You have to ask permission to leave the house and have to take a child along as a chaperone but that rule doesn't apply to him? That tells me all I need to know right there.

I'm of the camp that if you truly love someone and want to make things work...then counseling would be the next step. This should have been a step a long time ago.

However, if in you dig deep and you just don't feel the love anymore then its probably best to just move on. Good luck!

Wanted to add: However for me personally, I told my husband before we were even married that if he cheated on me I don't give second chances. He totally agreed....

Y'all are one big hot mess. File for divorce and be done with it.

No. You had to ask permission to go to the mall or grocery store or take a kid with you? Who the hell does this man think he is? That's not love. He considers you his possession.

You had better see your lawyer and get all your ducks in order. Really, because when he realizes you mean it, he's going to screw you financially.

No more 2nd (or 20th) chances.

Dawn

I am not the kind of person to say "get a divorce". I think that divorce should always be an absolute last resort after all avenues of reconciliation have been attempted.

You and your husband, however are toxic. You had ONE affair and your husband had how many? Yet you are not allowed to leave the house without permission and you must have someone accompany you? I'm sorry, but this is the type of attitude held in places in the middle east where woman can be killed for looking at a man the wrong way. It really sounds like your husband loves controlling you. GET OUT.

If the "rules" don't apply to him (shopping, going out alone), then it's over. Move on.

The thing that I focused in on in your post is that YOU had to prove you are not cheating by bringing the kids with you places and not HIM. This right here tells me the kind of guy he is and the relationship that you have. It also tells me about you when you are with him....I would never put up with a double standard like that.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm in the process of divorcing a serial cheater as well. The divorce is on hold due to finances which is really hell because I just want it over and I want my own life back. The difference in my situation is, mine has proven enough times for ME to understand he will not change and he does not have the same moral character that I do. Period. I gave him way more chances than I ever would have if we had no kids. I have not cheated, but at this point even if I did, it wouldn't even "count" up against his stack of offenses.

You never should have been taken to task about your cheating imo, and having to "prove yourself" now with transparency rules is just a huge mess. I would tell my soon-to-be ex to take a flying leap if he tried keeping tabs on my behavior. I can't control your emotional attachment to him, but I can tell you this through my lens:

It is easiest, cheapest and most pleasant for him to stay in your home with you and your kids who he probably does love. That's what he wants to do. But he is who he is and he won't change. He's still acting up by refusing to live by the same standards you have to. I say move on!

Yes he was pissed off and jealous when you cheated, and he may be mistaking that for "finally realizing how much he loves you" (lame). Don't let him play the "Now you finally changed me into a good person and you're leaving" card. It's the oldest one in the book played by every cheater who is about to lose their spouse.

A) You cannot change him and B) The demise of his marriage is his fault not yours no matter who leaves.

If both parties have cheated, one (your husband) habitually, then its time to go. If rules apply to you and not him, then you need to go.

You can love someone who is not good for you. It sounds like that with you and your husband.

Your husband, for all his philandering ways, has one good idea. If you haven't talked to a marriage counselor, you should. If it will make you feel better, be assured that you will be asked to talk to the counselor alone as well as in the company of your husband.

There's a lot of talking and blaming going on in both directions. Get to the bottom of it all. It might end up in divorce or not, but you might learn some things that will help *your* future in any case. You don't want to leave one sad situation only to get yourself and your children into another (yes, it happens!).

Nope... you really want to be with someone that is that controlling that he makes you take a child with you whenever you go somewhere, yet HE doesn't abide by those rules, also?

Nope, not now, not ever..... stick to your guns. He's cheated on you TOO many times.... don't you see how he has also put you at a major health risk? Essentially, YOU'VE also slept with all those women... no telling what they could have been spreading around.

Do you want your children to see that this is "acceptable, normal married" behavior?

Nope... nope... nope.

And... this is why you don't stay together for the kids.

He sounds like a chronic cheater who will never be satisfied or happy. You cheated on him for revenge. You are both full of hate & resentment. Sounds like the marriage has been over for as long as it's existed.

You are not doing your kids any favor by staying together. I guarantee you they know you've both cheated. Do you really want your kids growing up thinking this is normal, okay behavior, and that this is how a marriage is? Each day you stay together, you're damaging your kids more & more. I think staying together for kids is a huge cop out, in most cases, and the coward's way out of taking a stand.

You cheating just showed him that you COULD have someone else if you wanted to. This isn't about his realization that he loves you, it's about his insecurities & jealousy.

So, my answer is forgive AND move on.

you know, many marriages become a mockery....when they're put back together "for the children". I am the product of that, & I have to tell you: it's not beneficial to the child to witness the continued breakdown of a relationship. As a adult, how do you know how to embrace true love....when it's never existed in your life?

& that's the lesson my Sis & I had to learn.....& it's a high price to pay. I truly believe it is lacking in many lives today. I also believe bad choices in bad marriages is the root evil in today's world. Big&Rich have a song out with this line: "babies making babies, 'cause their parents are always gone. Somehow we've forgotten how to make a house a home....". To me, that reference to "their parents are always gone"....refers not just to the physical presence, but also spiritual. An honest take on what is lacking in so many relationships today.

I think, in your case, you've seen the writing on the wall. You are his comfort zone, & he is not yours. He is a master manipulator, & perhaps you are too. He states you have created the husband you wanted....that means that you are part of the machinations within your relationship. I honestly believe that neither of you have respect, nor love for each other.

What you have is a common bond, a connection you will always feel.... not only because of your time together, but also because of the kids. You, your husband, & your children deserve more. Peace to you.

Move on! He's had way too many chances; you've both cheated; the trust is gone; it will never get any better!! Even if you take him back, you won't be happy. And he'll be cheating on you again; you can bet on that!! Why did he even get married? Those kinds of guys just don't make sense to me!! Why would you even want to be with a man that is always bed-hopping! I'd be scared to death of the diseases he's probably carrying!!!

You have to think: do you really NEED him? NOPE!!! If you're an RN, then you're probably making decent money by now. You can make it on your own!! You need to find someone that wants to be with just you!!!

Good luck!!

To me it seems like this marrriage went on long enough already! Cheating on you repeatedly, then you cheat on him for whatever the reason...revenge, tit for tat???

No one here can tell you what to do, but your post sounds like you are already over it. Do you feel guilty that you are the one making the final break? It sounds like you have been guilted long enough. You flat out said you want some peace in your life. You said you never forgave him. You said you're not in love with him anymore.....I think you have answered your own question :)
good luck!

why do you say you love him, but you're not "in love" with him? i don't "feel the love", from the tone of your post, to be honest. is this something you tell yourself to try to make the day go by easier? to make believe you don't hate the man you're married to, so you can sleep at night?

first you have to answer that. do you TRULY love this man? the "in love", and "happily ever after" mentality is bogus. i don't know why people use that phrase. you're not supposed to be in love every moment for the rest of your life. no marriage, even the best marriage, is pure "IN LOVE" bliss every moment for the rest of your life. that's not reality. so lose that fantasy and take a hard look at YOUR honest feelings, to start with.

my opinion is this, and you can take it with a grain of salt. everyone's feelings about marriage are different based on their beliefs and experiences. but this is my feeling: if both are willing (truly willing) to work on it and fix it, it can be fixed. anything can be overcome. but that takes 100% HONEST commitment. not just lip service.

he seems to want it. and you seem convinced that he's being honest. your hang up is yourself. don't focus on whether you "should" or not, based on (our) societal views. do what is in YOUR heart. don't let someone else tell you what you"should" or "should not" do. that's bs. this is YOUR life.

so, do you want to work on it or don't you? that is the question. IF you love him as you say you do, then to me the answer would be "whatever it takes". you have three VERY important reasons to do everything you can to fix this. that's assuming, as always, that he is honestly committed.

honestly, most would have checked out long ago. i'm not sure i'd have the strength to still be there at this point. but you say you love him. to me if you love someone and both want to fix things, there is zero use for divorce. you don't throw something out just because it's broken. you fix it. i'm not saying anyone would judge you for walking away. i'm just saying what i'd do. my marriage is my #1 priority. so, for you, it either is (do anything on this earth to nurture and care for it) or it isn't. (divorce).

but don't take months and months to work it out and play at fixing it if you're not committed. you owe your kids honesty.

it sounds so very unhealthy all round. i don't see much hope without a lot of therapy and a lot of commitment on both sides. he's never been committed in the past and you don't sound very committed now.
i can't imagine why you allowed yourself to be immured without the same restrictions being put on him. i understand that he lost trust in you (screwing around on him to get him back just makes you as big a schmuck as he) but what made you both decide that HE wasn't to be held to the same standards.
i dunno. you stuck around 'for the children' but your kids haven't made out particularly well by having this as their standard for how relationships work. what can you and your husband do to help THEM learn about healthy relationships? at this point i'd have to go with that. it sounds as if you and your husband are way past forgiving or forgetting in regards to each other.
khairete
S.

I am all about making marriages work, honestly. I believe in fighting for it with all you have.

However...and I'm sorry if this seems cruel...two people who have traded cheating back and forth and involved God knows HOW many people in their sex lives (a different woman every year?) do not have what I would consider a marriage.

Still, after all that...if you want to make it work, make it work. It's totally up to you, and I wish you well.

It's over.
Let it die already.
Getting back together at this point would pretty much be agreeing to an open marriage where either of you would sleep with anyone you want when ever you feel like it and it just doesn't feel like a marriage to me.
I had a friend whose parents had an open marriage for awhile and he said the hardest part was trying to figure out who would show up for breakfast in the morning.
Could be any number of girlfriends or boyfriends.
Tell him you consider a divorce to be an official setting him free process where he no longer has to answer to you (except for child support).
It sets you free too.

there shouldnt be "rules" in a marriage. part of a marriage is about trust and respect and both of you obviously do not have either for each other. my opinion is that its time to move on.

"I have to ask permission if I want to go to the mall and even going to the grocery store, I have to take one of my kids with me. These rules however don't apply to him. "

This answers your question. He doesn't want to try, he just doesn't want a divorce and want to pretend to be trying. If you guys haven't found your way past the cheating after all this time, I'm not sure either one of you want to. You're both playing "Blame the Victim" and refuse to do the work required to heal this broken marriage. You have to forgive, and you have to MAKE the time for trust to rebuild, and do everything in your power to show you are trustworthy to the other person. Neither of you has given enough time or effort to either of those things. Neither of you deserves to be married until you grow up and act more maturely.

Some people thrive on drama and a certain level of perceived thrill and excitement. He sounds like O. if them.
Make sure you're not, too, when you make this decision.
I'm sure you "could" save your marriage but I'd wonder why counseling is only occurring to him now that he's out of the home.
Be very careful, the lives of others will be greatly affected by the path you choose.
And the double standard was ridiculous!

You've gotten some good advice....

PLEASE no matter what you decide, get some counseling for yourself.

I know women whose divorces gave them the time and freedom to work things out and ended up back with their spouses with marriages better than ever.

I'm just trying to stay positive for you since you said you love him and are obviously willing to make it work somehow...if not you wouldn't be asking for advice or questioning a divorce.

Are you open to therapy? I would go solo to talk with someone who can help you sort out what is going on internally for you that you have such destructive relationship patterns in your life. Blessings! Take care of you!

In general, I've found that when a husband is making you do things like ask permission to go somewhere and requiring that you take a child with you (presumably so you don't cheat) HE'S the one who's cheating.

Do I think that a lot of therapy is needed? (including individual therapy for him to figure out WHY he's cheated so much). Yes. Do I think that he'll change? Probably not. Best of luck to you with whatever you decide.