Sunday Dinner drama...need to Know How to Handle More Effectively

You know, "food" is O. battle I just won't fight.
I have a kid who literally eats ANYTHING--garllic, shrimp, asparagus, brussels sprouts--you name it. He's almost 9 now, so usually there is NO dinnertime drama.
BUT at 2...3...4...5....yeah, sometimes kids don't want to sit & eat, are too busy, don't feel like it--whatever.
Do I think it will create a shiftless slacker for life if they can skip the meal and have a bowl of cereal before bed? Nope. Does it make me a slacker mom if this is a battle I refuse to engage? No.
Not gonna ruin my meal. It's not worth it.
If you are having more cruddy dinner experiences than good ones, maybe it's time to loosen their collars a bit. Leave them alone. Make them a sammie later or a bowl of cereal.
It's certainly not worth the drama you're describing, is it?
A child isn't going to die from missing a meal.

I would not let the kids help chose what you serve for awhile. Kids often don't really know what they want.

Maybe try turning dinner time into more family oriented time. Turn OFF all distractions, such as TV. Have a basket in the middle of the table with questions that the little ones can participate in while you eat. Things like "If you could color a tree any color, what would it be?" or "what would it be like if dogs could talk?". Ask each person, adult and child to report one good thing about their day, then one negative thing about their day and ask the rest of the family for ideas on how to handle it. The point is - center the family together around each other. Don't make the food the focus with them. Make the family the focus. I do agree that if they don't eat, then they don't eat until the next meal. My personal opinion is that eating a healthy meal IS a battle worth fighting, but rather than square off with a child that is probably stubborn anyway - give them choices. Either you can eat this amount of your meal or you can sit quietly while the rest of us eat, and you get no snack until the next meal. Which do you prefer?

My kids (5, 4 and 2) are never forced to eat, as long as they act well at the table. They just don't get anything until next meal if they don't eat. Even if they don't eat, they have to sit quietly and participate in conversation, the 2 year old can't bang on stuff and play and make a mess and all that. Any bad table behavior would be disciplined, but this has been the case since infancy so it doesn't happen. She'll stop doing whatever she starts at a warning if it's disruptive. My brother and I were never allowed to act poorly at the table, neither were my husband and his brother, so this is natural to us. We have no trouble in restaurants either. Figure out what your rules are. Spell them out. Enforce consistently and firmly while keeping calm and non angry when enforcing. My husband would NOT be nice if dinner was ruined like this, yikes. Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson has good tips if you want to change their behavior.

I don't fight with my kids about food. I really don't. They can be picky sometimes, but they'll grow out of it.

I don't always cook dinner. I tend to make very large meals so that I don't have to cook every day. When I do cook, I offer it to them. If they aren't hungry, that's fine. If they want something else, that is sometimes fine too. It really depends on whether or not their request is healthy and how much effort it requires. I pay attention to what they eat each day and try and make sure their overall intake that day is healthy.

In my opinion, food battles are a huge waste of time and send the wrong message. Food should not be a sense of stress. It only causes problems in the future. Seriously, if your kids don't want to eat, don't make them. If they get hungry later, offer a healthy snack. This is just not something to get upset about.

Are you really surprised your 2 year old couldn't sit still? I know very few 2 year olds that can. Our almost 3 year old rarely sits still. (Trips to restaurants are still carefully planned). When he starts to get restless at home, we just let him go and play with his toys. Again, he'll grow out of it.

Let your kids be kids. Keep working with them, and they'll learn. Before you know it they'll be able to sit through a meal politely.

Teach them how to sit and eat at the table correctly, stay consistent and follow through, and discipline when they don't have manners. They'll get it. With times like this, stay cheerful and move on. I used to get so upset with stuff like this until I had five kids, my older ones are totally fine and mature and they all did the same thing and eventually grew up! =) Good luck!!

Although this was a really long time ago for me, I do remember the drama. Barfing applesauce, spewed spaghetti sauce, you name it. I really started to understand why kids were once relegated to meals in the nursery, NOT with adults.

To deal with it, my husband and I often fed the kids early and ate meals by ourselves. Being able to join mom and dad for dinner was a big deal in my house, although that didn't always change their behavior. If my kids refused to eat what was in front of them, they went to bed hungry. No dinner meant going to bath and bed immediately. My two hearty eaters did NOT like that one bit, so they soon figured out how to find one thing they liked and how to eat with a minimal amount of fuss.

In the end, a lot of it is just practice, practice, practice and firm enforcement of dinner table rules. Keep them simple: you must drink your milk, you must try one bite of all items on the table but you only have to finish the main dish. Dessert is for kids who behave properly and follow the rules. Kids who break the rules go to bath and bed immediately, end of story, period, amen. (If they proceed to wail and fuss, well, that's what closed bedroom doors are for.)

Now that my sons are teenagers, I can tell you that this worked well. We rarely have dinner table drama unless it's a massive argument over current events or something that happened at school. I still have to remind them to wipe their hands on a napkin, not their jeans, or to chew with their mouth closed or to sit up straight and not shovel food in their mouths. But, the spewing, the barfing, the tears, the refusal to eat...long gone.

Hang in there, mama. This, too, shall pass.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess the kids are tired. After Christmas and New Year's, most people are. My 7 yr old frequently will refuse dinner, even when yesterday it was his favorite food! My standard line is "You don't have to eat, but you do have to sit at the table with us, without pouting or crying or whining. You may not push the food away from you, just leave your plate where it is. If you need to have a fit, you may go to your room. If you have a fit at the table, you will get a consequence (which is an extra chore)." He will pout for a minute, but then after about 5 minutes he will start eating and join in the conversation. It sounds like you have a normal 2 year old. Not sure why that is so frustrating. Apparently your husband is also tired, and he made a good choice to remove himself from the situation since he was getting so frustrated. I decided a long time ago that even if no one else enjoys the meal, I am going to enjoy my dinner! If they don't want to eat and want to go sulk in their rooms, that's their problem. I say let it go, get a good night's sleep, and start fresh tomorrow!

This is what we go through with our daughter (who is 4 and sometimes is good at dinner about eating and sometimes is not):

If you aren't interested in eating, then you must not be that hungry. And that's fine, but don't come asking me for a cookie later. If you are still hungry, I'll heat your dinner back up for you. Until you do a good job on your dinner, you are not getting anything else. The only time I make something different for her is when hubby and I want to eat something for dinner that we know she can't stand or just won't tolerate, and I don't expect her to (i.e. spicy chili).

Crying? Whining? You must be tired. Time to go in your room and go to bed.

My aunt raised 3 kids and no matter what was for dinner, there was also bread and butter on the table. If they didn't like anything that was for dinner, they could make do with the bread and butter and milk. They all turned out perfectly healthy and not one food or eating issue amongst them. A cousin of mine has raised 4 boys and when they were old enough, if they didn't like what was for dinner, they could have PBJ - but they had to make it themselves. They are all grown up now and perfectly fine. One is vegetarian.

Hubby should be backing you up in the discipline department - maybe he felt leaving was better than losing his temper and yelling at them, but if the kids had been sent to their rooms from the beginning, and expected to stay there, and he had stuck around to help you rather than leaving you to deal with them alone, maybe the both of you could have eaten in peace. Hubs needs to put his big-boy pants on now and come out of the room.

In my house, if you don't want to eat your dinner, that's ok. I'm not going to force you to eat it. You have to sit at the table until everyone is pretty much finished with their dinner, then you can get up and play or whatever. But if you're hungry before bedtime, I'll reheat your plate, that's what you're having. If you don't want it, you must not really be all that hungry.

We started doing this with my older son when he was about 3 - now he's 5 and eats everything on his plate, no drama, no issues whatsoever. He's an awesome eater and it definitely wasn't always like that. We actually did this with our 2 year-old tonight. She didn't want anything on her plate except her tomatoes - she ate those and then got down. I gave them baths, and then she came back to the kitchen and grabbed some puffs...I put them away and said she couldn't have them. She wasn't terribly happy about it, but when she realized that she wasn't going to win the battle, she sat back at the table and I reheated her dinner and she ate it.

Rules at the dinner table have to be consistent. I don't believe in forcing a child to eat anything...but it needs to be clear that you don't get to eat snacks if you choose not to eat your healthy food.

Jen is exactly right (I haven't read down the other posts yet). ESPECIALLY with the 6 year old. If she doesn't eat what you put in front of her, remove her from the table and don't let her eat again until the next meal. If it is during dinnertime, don't give her anything until breakfast. If you simply cannot do this, put saran wrap over her plate and give her that when she comes in crying for food. NOTHING else.

She is trying to force you into being a short order cook. The only way to train kids to eat foods that the entire family should eat is to expect them to eat it.

I promise you, that's the best thing you can do. Your 2 year old will see what is happening with his sister and he will follow suit.

Good luck!
Dawn

We eat together all the time. Hubby needs to take a chill pill, hasn't he ever eaten with the kids before? I give my grandson a swat on the hiney when he acts up at the table and he sits down and minds better, not perfect but better. He has been working on his table skills for almost 2 years and is still a trial to eat with.

They need to learn how to act at the table but it is a process. Maybe the older one just didn't feel good or felt the stress.

Sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted.

I don't have an answer to solve it, but not for lack of trying! Our meals are just like that, a nightmare. Even if we are all involved in choice/preparation. The 4 year old won't eat - I don't push it but it drives my husband crazy. Little guy also won't sit still or focus and that escalates everything. I'm often left alone by the end as my husband storms out and the kid is in time out and nothing tastes good then. I've actually stopped cooking good meals b/c it all seems to be in vain. If dinnertime is going to suck, I'm not going to spend so much time making it!

Ha! Sounds like dinner at our house many nights. I know our 2 year old will grow out of this wiggly phase. And my picky 7 year old - well, I just serve the food and we try to keep meal times positive. I can't force someone to eat. And yes, it is annoying but I assume with time he will not be so picky.

M.:

In our home, my kids have to try what's on their plate. If they try it and don't like it? Fine. I'm not a short order cook and will not make you a special meal if you don't like it. They are not forced to eat.

My kids like spinach, artichokes, broccoli, asparagus, carrots, celery - lots of things.

In regards to salads? I will admit that my kids don't like Caesar salad. Greg will eat the lettuce, but he does NOT like the salad dressing. Nicky will eat a salad with ranch, 1000 island and Italian but does not like Caesar.

At 2 and 6? I wouldn't ask them to help plan the meal. They have the attention span of a gnat and will change their mind by the time dinner is ready as in that amount of time - a few days have gone by instead of a few hours....

It will all work out. It's been a busy week - Christmas and New Years - daddy might be off of work and their schedules are changed. Lots of things factor into meltdowns.

Just remember to remain calm. When you start yelling and screaming? You've just lost the battle...if they don't want to eat in the future? That's fine. Our next meal is X. You will not get anything special between now and then. Kids will not let themselves starve.

You are good mama!!

Wow... I'd be more upset with my husband for storming off than with the kids behavior...after all their kids, he's supposed to be an adult. You didn't make these children by yourself. It's both of your jobs to teach the kids proper table manners. I have a 5 y/o and a 19 m/o so believe me when I say I get it. We have a "dinner rountine" that we all look forward to. We always put on music playing softly in the background. The music selection depends on the meal, could be reggae one night and classical the next but we try to make dinner an "event." No outside interruptions such as our work phones/texts/emails are allowed. This is strictly our family time. We ask each other about "our best moment of the day." Our oldest not only loves to tell us about her best moment but she really enjoys hearing our's as well. And we follow a few simple rules - #1 - You must try everything, if you don't like it after trying it then you are not forced to eat it. (I do get them to try things on several different occasions because they often LOVE the same thing they hated 3 weeks ago.) #2 - We are not short order cooks, one meal is served if you refuse to eat it then you go to bed hungry. There will be no snacks or dessert if dinner is not eaten. (Although if we are preparing a dish we know the kids do not like we make an alternative main dish for them and we all share side dishes.) #3 - If you can not sit still and use proper table manners you will be excused from the table and sent to your room so the rest of the family may eat in peace.

Obviously with a 5 y/o there are still some days she has a melt down over a meal but she's made to leave the table until she can calm herself down and then if she chooses to rejoin the family dinner she may do so. At this point our 19 m/o will eat anything and everything we put in front of her so there is not really a food conflict there. Once she is full she will put her arms up, smile, babble a bit and then say "down." At that point we clean her face and hands and get her down from the high chair. She goes into the living room to play while we finish our meal. Our living room, kitchen, and dining room are open concept so we can watch the kids in the living room while we finish our meal.

Whatever route you choose to go in just make sure you are consistent with the rules and the consequences.

Peace and Blessings.

First, hubby needs to get a grip! Leaving the table was not a good example for the kids. Did the kids cry and pout before or after he "excused" himself? If they don't eat...oh well. They will be hungry and learn for the next time they want to mess around at dinner. Maybe you need to chat about appropriate behavior at dinner and the natural and logical consequences of NOT following the rules...in kid AND adult verbage!