At My Wits End over Dinnertime!!

Stop the battle! Dinner, as in what everyone is eating, a little of everything, goes on his plate in tiny (one spoonful) portions. He either eats or doesn't. No time-outs, no toysat the table, no bribery or nagging, no getting up to play until you and Dad are done. Either eat or sit and share a pleasant time together as a family. These rules are laid out before each meal so everyone is clear as to what is going to happen. Whining is ignored. Not eating means you go to bed hungry. Water only is offered in the middle if the night if he wakes early looking for breakfast.
It might not be easy at first and it might not yield results at first, but at least the fighting is done, the battlelines have been redrawn, some chance for pleasant interaction is possible and it won't continue to escalate asit has been. When it stops being a big deal to you, it won't be so much fun for him.
Good luck!

I suggest that you set a specific amount of time for dinner. Perhaps 30-45 minutes from the time you sit down. When time is up food gets put away and dishes are done. Yes, he may wake up hungry a few times but guaranteed, if you can be consistent while doing this he will learn. This will be worth the inconvenience for a brief period of time.

Stop making a fuss over eating. I suggest it's become a way to get attention or because you said you don't want him to have control over rejecting dinner, I suggest it's become a power struggle. Kids always win when there's a power struggle. There is no way you can force him to eat. Here's the food. We're putting the food away in 30 minutes. End of struggle.

Talk about everyone's day, the day's news, or throw out an interesting idea to be discussed. Focus on conversation instead of food.

Dinner is like a marathon. I scramble around (literally I feel like I'm getting exercise), preparing it for the baby, 2, 3, 5 and 6-year-old. They eat it all usually in about 8 minutes, before I even get a chance to sit down. They are so fast it's crazy.

Only because they get home from afternoon preschool (or grade K) school at 5pm, does it work. See, they are hungry (really hungry, often). Dinner takes about 20 minutes for me to prepare, and I keep it all healthy and easy to make. (They can munch on veggies and watch tv, and sometimes eat light fruit, while I prepare it). For example, shrimp, green beans and raspberries. It's usually always a veggie, a fruit or berry, and a protein like salmon or fish sticks for a special "treat." They can eat whatever of it they want, but unless they eat all the veggies, no dessert. Dessert is always and only a small square of dark chocolate.

Before bed they can have cereal, and they usually want this. Bananas, too.

A couple (very different) stories

1)

Heads up... A lot of kids with full time working parents (and some kids with SAHPs) do this as a control/attention thing.

I used to nanny for this little boy whose parents spent ALL their time with him following him around trying to get him to eat. He did the same with me in the beginning.

"Okay. Well, its in the fridge on your shelf when you get hungry."

Blink blink.

It threw him for a loop.

Especially when, 2 minutes later, he was asking for food, and out it comes. He wouldn't touch it. So I left it on the table & we did other things. After about 3 hours, he quit trying to get me to fight with him over feeding him.

Dude. You'll eat when you're hungry. Its here. No worries.

Took a week before he didn't do this every day.

"How do you get him to EAT for you???" was asked constantly, but the answe was never believed. I didn't have 3 years of history chasing him around trying to make him eat. He & his parents had their ritual. Neither was motivated to toss it. He's 9, now, and they still do it. I can just imagine when he's 30... They'll be the "Eat, eat, you're too thin." Parents who never believe you eat unless they feed you themselves. Regardless of whether you're a beanpole or behemoth.

His other nannies have all had the same experience. About a week of "Whatever, little man." And he takes 2 minutes to scarf his food for them to get to wherever they're going next, and them its the 5pm to 8pm "Just 1 bite. C'mon. Eat. Just a bite. Sit DOWN. NO you may not... Oy! Get over here!!! Do you not like it? We could...."

Seriously. They're my friends, and I love them dearly, but they created this ritual they all follow script perfect every night.

2) Toddlers go through phases where they don't eat enough to keep a bird alive, and then eat more than a grown man. If they're in a "I had 2 whole pistachios. I'm STUFFED." Phase... This too shall pass. In the meantime: here's a laugh:

THE TODDLER MIRACLE DIET

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days.

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and cloth.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, four sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina DogChow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog, insert meatball into ear. Dump pudding into Kool-Aid and suck up with a straw.

_________

My personal rule is : You're more than welcome to a bowl of cereal or to make a Sammie.

I'm an adventurous cook.

Some days... I invoke the Sammie rule for myself.

Only twice has the dog also invoked.

You have to decide if you're just going to put up with dinnertime being a mess, or teach your child that 2:30 in the morning just isn't going to be mealtime, ever. I'd much rather have a few in the middle of the night life lessons for him than continuing to put up with awful dinnertime scenarios.

Your choice.

You are trying too many things and expecting magic. There is no magic. It's WORK making a child realize that you mean business. He hasn't realized it because you DON'T mean business. You keep putting up with this and letting him have his way. Giving him more and more choices (he picks the seat, playing with the food, letting him choose part of the meal) gives him the idea that he can control you, and instead of him being willing to compromise with you, he is trying up the ante. He's 3. He's not going to reward you for giving him choices. He's using it against you.

Stop fighting with him at dinnertime. Ignore him. Put just a little bit of food on his plate/tray and eat your dinner. Give him an inch of milk in his cup. If he asks for more milk, tell him that he can have more milk after he eats the food on his tray. There's not much on there anyway, so he will feel better about eating it. Give him another inch of milk and put a little more food on the tray. Ignore him and talk to your husband and enjoy your own food. If he's fussing, then ask him if he's done. If he just doesn't want to eat, then take him down from the table and ignore him. NO TV. No talking to him. You two finish ENJOYING your dinner.

After dinner when he asks for food, put him in his chair and give him the exact same food. When he balks, take him down and walk away from him, ignoring him. Do it over and over. No different food AT ALL. And no dessert, no mention of dessert, until this difficulty with him is passed. Stop bribing him with dessert. Yes, it's hard. But it's your job to teach him that he doesn't get to call the shots in your home.

You cannot MAKE him eat unless you cram food down his throat. Children control so little in their lives, and eating is one of the FEW things that they control. This is what he is doing, trying to exert control. What you can do is make it so that he decides he wants to eat because he has learned that you will not be manipulated by him.

If he gets up in the middle of the night, put him back in his room and tell him NO, we do not get up in the middle of the night to eat. Eating is for during the day. No more discussion. Put him in his room and go back into yours. Don't give into him at all.

You show 100% consistency in all of this. You ignore the fact that he isn't eating. He will finally learn that all this behavior gets him is a hungry stomach.

It will not hurt him. It will help the whole family. Discuss it with your husband, and both of you stay on the same page. You can do this, and you should do this.

Good luck!

I'm missing something... why is he in time out during dinner exactly?
For not eating?? I certainly hope that is not the reason. Dinner is a struggle and a fight and exhausting because you are putting him in time out. Stop!

Let him sit at the table and stare at his plate. Do not over fill the plate, either. Very small portions of no more than 4 different things. Preferably only 3 things. More than that is just overwhelming.
If he doesn't eat. Don't make him leave the table--that is counter-productive and ruins YOUR dinner, too. Just have him sit there.

What do you mean by #7 (limiting toys/distractions at the table)? There shouldn't be ANY toys at the table. What kind of distractions? The TV? Books? what is so distracting? Turn off the TV. You sit around the table and talk and eat. That's it. Ask him about his day. Tell him about yours (something he can relate to maybe--- Ms. Jenni wore a green shirt today--isn't green your favorite color? Hey! Cucumbers are green on the outside!) Then move on. Do not focus on the eating. Focus on the socialization.

When you and husband are done, he continues to sit until he has eaten an acceptable amount. 3 bites, or whatever. Just don't make a big deal out of it. Be matter of fact--and no time-outs. Time out becomes the table once you and husband are no longer sitting there. Allow him 10 minutes sitting there (maybe just 5, depending). Then wrap up his plate and put it in the refrigerator. If he is hungry later, get the plate back out, set it on the table and let him eat his dinner. (no reheating).

If he wakes you during the night, you get the same plate back out.

I would recommend doing this on Friday night. And Saturday night. By Sunday night, at least he won't wake you up during the night for the leftover cold plate from the refrigerator. But I suspect he will do better eating.

Another thing I always have done: make sure that there is at least ONE item on the plate that you know he will eat. If it is raw carrots, give everyone raw carrot sticks as a veggie. If it is cheese... give everyone a slice of cheese (slice it off of a chunk of mild cheddar or colby--not an "american cheese slice"). If it is green beans, then serve green beans. You can "experiment" with other items during the meal that he may be less inclined to eat, or are new to him... but ALWAYS have ONE thing you know he can/will eat. He can have a second portion of it after trying one bite of one of the other items.
He gets to eat something he likes and not go hungry. You get to sit and eat and not fight with him. That's it. Don't carry your dinner time stuff over to bedtime stuff. They are separate things and are unrelated. No early bedtime for not eating. Being hungry is its own consequence. The cold plate of leftovers is, too. Not playing before bed is unrelated.

And offer a lot of plain things. My kids would only eat raw vegetables for the longest time. And they both (and my daughter still) refused foods made with sauces or gravy or any sort of casserole. They needed to have ONE thing by itself, that they could identify it, with no goop on it. Not even ketchup or ranch dressing.
They loved odd things though... like green pimento stuffed olives, and black olives.
I even have served a 3 oz bathroom solo cup filled with sunflower nuts as a "side" item before. It's full of protein!

Be creative, but be plain. And don't try to "win". Just offer him food. No timeouts.

Good luck.

Seriously, dinner doesn't need to be a battle at all, and you DON'T need to be a short order cook.
He isn't hungry? Fine. Wrap up his plate and let him leave the table. If he gets hungry later just reheat his dinner and he can come back and eat it then. It's really not a big deal. If it's getting close to bedtime and he still hasn't eaten give him a last call, but don't force him to eat. If he wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to eat? Absolutely not. He may cry, but too bad, he can make up for it with a big breakfast! He'll learn.
Also, there's nothing wrong with having healthy choices that don't involve making extra food. I would hate it if someone gave me a cheeseburger and told me to eat it even though I didn't really want it. If my kids didn't like what I made for dinner they could always grab a piece of fruit, a cheese stick, a handful of trail mix, etc. When they got older they were welcome to make themselves a sandwich or heat up some leftovers if they wanted.
Do your son, your husband and YOURSELF a favor and relax at dinnertime, stop making it so h*** o* everyone!

Are there times that you are just not hungry?Even if it is the scheduled time to eat?

Well guess what? Children can be the same way..

Just because it is time for dinner, does not mean he is hungry..

I just saw a story about how children should really be eating 5 small snacks/meals a day. It fits their actual body needs and hunger times.

I learned with our daughter a small plate, like a salad plate or bread and butter plate, was a better sized plate for her.

I also learned to just place like 3 peas on her plate, a TBL spoon of mashed potatoes, and 3 bites of cut up chicken. Then a few baby carrots a few small pieces of spinach and a cherry tomato. I always made sure there was something she liked being served.

No conversations about , "take a bite", "eat your meat.". Instead we talked about the day....

If she ate something, I silently and automatically placed a few more on her plate. If I noticed she seemed to really be enjoying something, I would ask her, "would you like more peas, please?" If she said "yes,please" I would give her a spoonful.

IF she did not eat anything and we were finished. I would just say, "Are you finished?" If she said yes, I would remind her, "no snacks before bed, ok?" and then she would decide if she was going to eat something.. No wringing hands, no worrying about it.

She knew I was serious. Sometimes, she might ask for apple slices or some cut up raw vegetables (we always had these in the fridge) and a glass of milk was allowed. I would allow this.

I do not believe in dinner time or any meal time battles.

I remember as a child, there really were times, I was just not hungry. As an adult sometimes after planning a meal, shopping for it, preparing it, I do not want to eat it.. So as our daughter got older, she knew she could have a bowl of non sugar cereal.. or some leftovers.. if the meal served was just something she could not eat.

Hang in there, this is so typical and normal for many children this age. Some kids are great eaters all of the time.. and others seem to exist on air and milk..

Holy cow! I wouldn't want to go through that every night either!
I decided when my so was about that she I was not making dinner time torture time. For ANYONE in the house.
My routine?
Sit, eat, when you get down you're done.
You can have a bowl of cereal before you go to bed if you're hungry.
Or even (gasp!) a cookie.
The end.
Really, who cares. Right.

Some of the strictest dinner parents I know have the pickiest, pokey kids I know.

Don't make it more complicated ( or horrendous) than it has to be.
My son, now 10, sits and eats like a human being and refuses to eat about 3 foods on the planet. Win/win.

I took the battle out of dinnertime by telling my kids that if they do not eat what is given to them, then they do not eat until breakfast. After a few days they got the point and now we no longer have battles. You have to be consisitent, and if he wakes up at 2:30am for breakfast just put him back to bed. I would make a comment like, "Since you did not eat your dinner, you have to wait until regular breakfast time to eat." I understand you need sleep, but trust me it will only take a few times and he will get the message that he better eat or he will be hungry during the night.

One of the best pieces of advice that we got from our pediatrician (who is also a mom) is that it's my job to put a healthy meal in front of my child, and it's the child's job to decide whether or not to eat it. If I keep repeating that mantra, it helps avoid a lot of battles.

The other thing is consistency: We all sit at the same spot every time, and the rule is that everyone in the house sits down to dinner together. You do not have to eat, but you do have to sit at the table for X amount of time (10 min, usually). And if you leave the table without eating much or any dinner, you will be served dinner again when you are hungry later. My other rule is no snacking for the hour before dinner.

Mom of 8, 7 of which are really good eaters. They have their moments, but overall they will eat anything. My last little one, and by far the most petite of my kids eats less then a bird.

If there is one thing I have learned, it's that food should never, ever be a battle, and sure as heck shouldn't be so stressful.

If he is growing, meeting milestones, active and otherwise healthy, what is the problem. Believe it or not, their little bodies know what they need. Offer, offer again, and keep offering, as he get's older he will start to venture out into the foods you are offering.

Stop the battle, potty training and food are two area's that kids really do have most of the control. If you try to fight for that control, you'll almost always loose.

Hmmm.
What's he drinking and when?
Besides no snacks after lunch/nap, also make sure he gets nothing but water to drink till dinner time.
He can have milk or juice AFTER he's eaten his dinner.

Growing up, we HAD to clean our plates at the table or sit there till we did.
My sisters record was 4 hours.
Sometimes she would hold the food in her cheeks just to get it off the plate.
I swore to never battle over food with our son.

Keep in mind - a 3 yr olds stomach is about as big as their fist.
They can't eat more than that at a sitting.
So keep portions small.
Give him smaller bowls/plates and don't load them up.
Keep meals short.
No 3 yr old is very good for sitting still through a long drawn out meal.

I found that very often he'd eat a fave item off his own plate but if I put some other food on it he would have no part of it.
What he LOVED to do was have me give him a taste of something of MY plate.
I'd give him a taste, then he'd want more - until my plate was fairly empty, but then I'd get another portion onto my plate so I could finally have some.

He's only 3 right now but eventually he'll be a teen.
Watching a teen guy eat is scary.
Sometimes they don't even stop to chew.

I don't know if it will work for you, but this is what works for us (and has worked since a young age):

Last snacktime is at 2:30 or 3. A light snack, some fruit/veg and some protein.

At dinner, there's usually 3 things on his plate, two of which I know he will usually eat. That is dinner. I choose to make some food separate from ours because I have dietary issues which require me to limit certain foods and to cook other foods which he would prefer raw. So I try to make a reasonably similar plate for him. This is my only accommodation. I am also a fan of the ploughman's plate for kids: lots of veg, cheese slices, apple slices, hard-boiled eggs (you can do a bunch in one pan, enough for several days), whole-grain bread and butter. The whole thing takes me about 5 minutes to make and works in a pinch (like when we're having something more exciting than his taste buds would prefer. I remember not developing a sophisticated palate until adulthood, so I am not worried, but it's not mac-n-cheese every night, either.)

He helps set the table, puts napkins on the table. Your 3 year old can help with this part, and it will be a good cue that it's time for dinner soon.

He sits in the same place every time. Maybe some low, mellow music, but no media, no toys, etc. Ever. (My rule is no toys in the kitchen. That's my workspace and he has the rest of the house to play in.)

You eat or you don't. From the age of five, it was clear-- when you get down (unless it's to use the bathroom), you are done. No hopping up. No time outs, just done.

We sit, chat and eat. Kids are notoriously slow eaters, and they love to talk at the table because they have the audience they've been waiting for all day, or at least for the time we were busy making dinner. My son starts ahead of us most nights and usually takes about 40 minutes from start to finish. I would rather he take his time and listen to his body (getting full? Still hungry?) than bolt his food. Keeping in mind, too, that at daycare, preschool or school, they spend a good portion of their time socializing and not eating, this is his time to make sure he's full.

When dinner drags on too long, both my husband and I leave the table. We like a leisurely meal, but at 40 minutes a timer goes on and we tell him "we're all done talking with you now. We'll talk when you are done." And at that point, we pretty much ignore him until he's finished.

In your situation, I would tell your son that he has to sit at the table "Until the timer goes ding" and start with just a few minutes longer than it takes for him to get settled. It sounds like he's wanting to go play. Having him in the kitchen to put out napkins can pull him away from his playtime immediately before the meal. If you have a kitchen door, consider closing it. If you had television on before the meal-- turn it off 15+ minutes beforehand, so he's got time to transition. All of what I described isn't about power struggles (as you can see, I work to make sure he's got food he's happy eating because we all have preferences), it's about laying out a clear structure for mealtimes. Good luck!

We went through this when my son was around 3 as well. Dinner turned into a nightmare. Like you, I felt like we tried everything. I too was NOT going to be a short order cook (if I make something I KNOW my son hates, I'll make an alternative. i.e. He despises shrimp, always has. When I make that he can have left over chicken instead). I was tired of the dawdling, playing, fussing and fighting.

And dessert was not a motivator in our house. We don't always do it. It's always a surprise when it happens. And we want our kids to learn to eat until they are full, not necessarily clean their plates.

So after one of the worst dinners ever, when everyone left the table upset and went to bed angry, we completely changed our tactic. We simply stopped fighting. That's it.

We served dinner. And we didn't say a word to him about how much he was eating. We didn't beg. We didn't plead. We simply ate and talked about the day. We did warn him when dinner time was over...and he was given plenty of time to eat. When dinner was over, we told him he could go play. Wrapped him plate and stuck it in the fridge. A few hours later, when he said he was hungry, we told him he could have his dinner. Yes. He had a melt down. But we held firm. THe first night he rejected the idea. I am certain he woke up in the middle of the night. When he was offered his dinner again, he fell back asleep crying. Next night, same scenario. But this time, he ate the dinner before bed. I believe by the forth night, he was eating pretty well at dinner. We had rouge nights where things go a little askew. Shoot, he's 7 and he still has a crazy off night now and again. But for the most part, dinner is not a battle.

Some "rules" in our house that apply and help.
-Everyone has an assigned seat. No since in making a disruption before we even start a meal.
-Try a bit of everything. It's fine if you don't like something, but you must be polite about it. (Ewww, gross and yuck are not really allowed)
- No TV, no toys, no books, no distractions.
-Barring any major scheduling conflicts, the family eats together.

Sounds to me like you are working too hard. Simply stop fighting him. Yes, there may be some rough nights, but he will eventually understand that dinner time is not play time. Good luck mama!

My children are a little older then your son is, but I think my idea could still work.

The other night my son asked what was for dinner. I hesitated before answering him because I knew the pre-dinner melt down was about to begin. I said "Broccoli soup." Then his face expression changed and the shoulders slumped and I quickly said "Do you want to help me make it?" He perked right back up and said, "SURE!" He ate dinner like a CHAMP that night. Told me it was the best broccoli soup I'd ever made (which it was) and I was able to attribute it to him helping me.

Then the next night I told my daughter we were having Quinoa Salad for dinner. Again the miserable face and slumped shoulders prevailed and I said "You wanna help me make it?" She jumped right on board and told me how much she loved the "Mexican Quinoa Salad" and that I should make it every night. I think the key to letting her help me was that she got to taste test it every step of the way and tell me what ingredients "she" (with my encouragement) thought we should add.

So, is it possible to enlist your sons help with dinner, especially the foods he doesn't enjoy eating. Even if it's just stirring, or putting in the salt and pepper, letting him taste test the before and after of uncooked/cooked veggies and pasta etc. When my daughter was 3 I remember letting her help me dredge the meats in the batter and bread crumbs and just washed her hands really good afterward. It really is true, kids who help in the kitchen tend to be better eaters because they have a vested interest in what "they" made.

I know it takes longer to have a little helper but in the long run it takes a lot less time fighting over dinner for the entire night!

Good luck!

I have a 3 y/o and a 5 y/o (almost 6) and have struggled with this for a couple years. Mostly because hubby and I differ in philosophy and it has taken us awhile to settle into one that suits us both. (Which of course is closer to mine but he needed to trial and error to get there. I won't go into it.)

What is working for us now: decent offerings and low expectations. If I'm serving something I am pretty sure they won't eat, I throw down a few extras on their plate I know they like, such as olives or strawberries or grapes. Then my only rules are that they come to the table, be polite, and eat a few bites. I don't care what they try, or even if they just sit there really, but they are not allowed to come to the table and dis my food. Not even to say "I don't like this"... They can say "may I have something else too" and for us that means something the older one could grab herself, like a banana, gogurt, cottage cheese, apple, piece of bread. Sometimes cereal but never do I get up and make a grilled cheese or something for them. I don't care what they ate, or how much of it. I don't make them stay long. If they came to the table, attempted some food and didn't play or be rude, they can go in less than 10 min if they want.

Nothing is ever tied to dessert because we don't usually have dessert, its a bonus if we do. I have denied it though if they didn't eat well but thought they could ask for it. I only deny for both, I never do a big "some of us get it, some of us don't" deal. We sometimes do graham crackers and milk right before bed. I have no issues with that, but otherwise the kitchen is closed after dinner (this took awhile for my hubs to come around to). They have to know dinner is the last stop, or why would they bother to eat it?

We went through a period where my ped was concerned about the weight gain of our younger girl and we saw a nutritionist. She had great advice about not making food a big battle. The main thing I got from our session with her was to offer them food every 2 hours (breakfast/snack/lunch/snack etc). And just offer what you offer. They eat it or don't. If they don't, they'll get something else in 2 hours. So I don't stress how much they eat or what they try or don't try. Just let it go.

She also advised that beverages should only be served with meals, not in between (except water).

I hope some of this helps.

ETA after re reading your post I want to expand on the meals every 2 hours advice , it can really take the pressure off of dinner itself be the "end all be all". For example, we eat at 7pm, so their snack before that is around 5pm. Its a decent sized snack for a kid (Hazel's "the ploughman's plate", a term I have never heard!), so really, sometimes that is more of the dinner for the kids and the 7pm adult dinner is more like their snack. Same for if you eat dinner at 5pm, maybe he's not eating much because that is more like his snack, and his more substantial meal is the "snack" two hour later right before bed. Basically, it's the concept of 5 mini meals like Laurie A. mentioned below. It takes the weight off of of dinner as some all important meal.

We absolutely don't make it a battle. Our son is 2. He eats what he eats and can have dry cereal (Cheerios) or applesauce or dry whole wheat bread or pita if he asks for it before bed.

Tonight, for example, we had pork souvlaki, tzatziki sauce, cubed cucumbers, whole wheat pita, and roasted potatoes for dinner. He ate the tzatziki sauce and pita while at the table. My husband got some pork in him as we were cleaning up. About 30 minutes later, he asked for cereal, so we gave it to him. He ate it all and then went up to bed.

I also don't limit his snacks ... I figure his body knows when he's hungry, so I feed him (unless it's within a couple of minutes of eating, then we give him a bite from his prepared plate).

Kids have so little control and it sounds like you have so little quality time with him, why pick THIS battle? Try to let it go for 2 weeks and see if things improve.

ETA - I don't intend to be a short order cook. The items he can choose from are limited and, frankly, other than to a little guy, not very appetizing. Who wants to eat dry Cheerios or wheat bread? Thing is, we keep offering what we eat and his palate will adapt. He's still little ... I don't make him a separate dinner and he only gets the after if he asks. He's eaten this before, just not tonight.

Truth in advertising ... We are foster parents, so we got A LOT of training surrounding this kind of thing and have made a conscious decision regarding this arrangement. This is absolutely not how either of us was raised.

I think if you give it a shot, he might surprise you. Just limit the options and ensure he asks for it, rather than offering it before bed.

I would not enjoy this at all. You need to make some new rules about meals. Make sure that everyone who cares for you son is on the same page with the rules you decide, and then it will take some work to get your little guy to accept the new rules.

My son is 5. He is just like any other kid and has his favorite foods and those that he doesn't really want to eat. That said, he will try new foods usually after being offered at several meals. He eats a lot more than I did when I was his age. He eats vegetables because that is what is offered. I do not cook special individual meals for him. I make large quantities of the dishes I cook at one time and we eat leftovers throughout the week. I cook 4-5 big meals a week and it will give us all of our lunches and dinners for the week. I sometimes give my son a choice between the 2 or 3 dishes that are on hand in the fridge. Then we all eat that for dinner. Every meal I make contains at least three vegetables. For breakfast I always have two or three fresh fruits ready and three different vegetables ready. (For example: Strawberries, kiwi, apple, steamed carrot sticks, steamed broccoli, shredded cabbage with a little homemade salad dressing) If my son is still hungry after eating his meal, I will let him eat something from the prepared fruit and veggies. I also have plain yogurt and small tofu packs on hand. (80g silken tofu mixed with a TBSP of mango/blueberry yogurt sauce or preserves.)

This is how we do meals.
Food and meal rules in our house:
1: Time limit is set
Breakfast: 30-45 minutes
Lunch: 30-45 minutes
Dinner: 45-60 minutes

If the meal isn't eaten in that time and we need to be doing something else, the kitchen is closed. Now if everyone is enjoying the meal and we still want to eat, sometimes we will go a little over an hour for dinner.

2: Snacks are healthy

We do the fruits, veggies, tofu, cheese for snacks. Nothing resembling a full meal. We don't do sandwiches or cereal for a snack. It fills us up too much for the next meal.

3: Special treats are just that, special. (Cookies, chips, cake, muffins, ice cream, etc.) We don't do the treats every day. They are always served following lunch or dinner. We only do treats if a reasonable amount of the main meal was eaten. Only three bites of a meal and the treat is not served. Teeth also must be brushed after eating such treats or the next time the treat won't be offered.

4: No toys (except one stuffed animal friend which sits at the fourth chair) at the table. No TV while eating. No telephones. We will sometimes listen to music during our meals, but not every meal.

5: Every one sits together for the entire meal. We say a prayer at the beginning of each meal. (We live in Japan. At the end of each meal, there is a special set greeting in Japanese. 'Gocchisousamadeshita.' It roughly translates as, "That was delicious (satisfying), thank you.") If someone needs to get up from the table, they say excuse me and go do whatever is necessary. (Toilet, something in eye, blow nose, answer the door)

6: If our sweet cat gets sick, everyone helps to clean it up. My son usually brings us paper towels and bags or gloves. Or he gets his toys off the rug so we can cover it. Either I or my husband covers our rug and keeps the cat calmed and contained to a specific area, while the other one cleans up the mess.

7: We take our own dirty dishes to the sink. Our son takes care of his dishes by putting them on the counter. He wipes the table while we take care of the dishes. (I started having my son do this when he was 3.)

I don't make my son eat the meal. That is just a non-winning battle of wills that I just don't want to take part in. He either eats or doesn't. If he doesn't eat dinner, he knows that he must wait until breakfast the next day. I will let him have water if he wakes up hungry in the middle of the night, but no food. I don't listen to whining, period. I would not do time outs (if that is how you discipline) during a meal, unless your son was breaking dishes or something like that. Time outs for not eating is just a waste of time. I don't do timeouts at all, because that form of discipline just didn't match us well. I also don't try to bribe my son in any way. That just usually backfired whenever I tried it with him, that I now just set the expected behaviour and let the consequence for either following the rule or breaking it be the teaching point. Focus on conversation during your meals, not so much on the food. Enjoy the meal. If your son sees you eat it and like it, he might just be willing to try it. My son also knows that I eat foods that are not my favorite. This is a new thing I have been teaching my son. I thought that might be a way to get him to more willingly try new foods since he just started kindergarten and will be eating different foods at his school lunch time.

I hope you will all be able to find a solution soon, because letting a 3 year old call the shots just is not fun at all. Set some new mealtime boundaries and let those natural consequences be the real teacher. Be prepared for an unhappy little guy in the beginning and keep to those set rules. You need to work at it mama. The reward will be a happy mealtime together as a family. Happy eating.

Ahhhh, 3, it's rough..... Some things I have done/do, no toys at table ever, finding the thing they can't live without in our case fruit snacks, strawberries, chocolate pudding etc and you only get it if you eat, always sitting near my littlest ones and popping in bites while we all chat and eat, offering food in 'bites' like breaking up a sandwich into sandwich 'bites' mine have always loved food that they can handle, calling food funny names like spaghetti surprise etc just keeping it fun. Good luck, I think most of us have been there! Above all stay calm, hang in there!

Oof, that sounds miserable. To be honest, I am so worn out by dinner time, that my #1 priority is peace. I always give my 2 1/2 year old a plate with small amounts of what we are having, and encourage her to try it. I praise her for trying new things. But, if she doesn't want it or eat it, fine. I will give her something else VERY easy like peanut butter toast or cheese on a whole wheat tortilla. Takes about a minute and is worth it to me for a calm dinner time. When she wants to be done, she's done. We do a cup of milk as a part of the bedtime routine, which helps with the nights she doesn't eat much. In addition to not wanting to, I just don't think it's wise to battle over food. I think it's not a battle you can win. Give yourself a break and make this easier on yourself!

Eat before he does. That way when he eats you won't be starving. When its time for him to eat, still put a small plate of food in front of you so he will see that its dinner time, but it won't look like its all about him and feels the pressure of being the only one eating.

Or eat without him but with a plate ready to go for him. He may get jealous enough to want to eat too, and with a plate already fixed, you won't have to interupt your meal, all you ahve to do is put the plate down.

Have him in the kitchen as you cook. I truly believe if kids smell, not just help prepare, their food while its cooking, they might be more friendly to that food enough to try it.

Does he get alot of outdoor physical activity? Sometimes kid don't eat only bc they are bored bc they've spent all day indoors.

We feed DD something she will like, something she might not like and a wild card. If we are having chili or something she won't eat, we'll give her lunchmeat and the cornbread and salad. We don't do short order cooking, but we do compromise. I don't make her eat brussels sprouts, but she knows she needs a veggie, so she can have salad. It is no problem for us to put sauce on the side for each person to add....or not. She eats the veg she likes out of stir fry. Tacos are deconstructed. And one night a week, we do "leftover night" where the kid can choose, but it has to be reasonable. DD likes those.

It can be maddening but maybe instead of Time Out, get him, put him in his chair and say, "It's dinnertime" and then go on with your meal. I think he will get the idea that he's neither getting your attention nor getting out of sitting there.

If he is not hungry then but is later, keep it to something small and healthy, like a few Cheerios. Not candy, chips, juice...

DD also LOVES to cook with her father and also loves to garden. If you can get your son involved, he may eat more. And always model what you want. We taught DD to say "No, thank you" vs "EW, yuck!" and that also helps.

IMHO, this is not a battle worth fighting. If he doesn't want to eat, fine, be excused. But nothing after dinner. Don't get up with him at night. This is almost the weekend. I say start tomorrow - no dinner - fine - nothing later. If he gets you up during the night, walk him back to bed - nothing to eat. He may not be able to go back to sleep bc he's hungry - natural consequence. Saturday night if he balks at dinner, remind him how hungry he was during the night and how long the night was waiting for breakfast. If he still chooses not to eat, fine. Same thing - nothing later. Walk back to bed - no food. It won't take long before he decides he NEEDS to eat dinner.

He won't go hungry. He knows what his options are and he can eat or not eat. There is no breakfast at 230am. Ever. If he is given food then, he will continue the pattern. Getting up early is rough, but shoot, I'd be happy with a 6am wakeup!! I am out the door at 615, hubby is out the door at 445. Ouch! Be glad it's 6 :).

I make things my kids like. Every now and then we toss in something new. If they don't like it, I only require them to take one bite to try it. They are welcome to make themselves a sandwich. No extra stuff, but enough to give them something. That's it. They rarely make a sandwich.

Sounds like the problem I have with my 4yr old picky eater. To end my battle, what I do is only share food for me, and let him take bites off my plate. He seem only interested when I am eating or when not distracted.

Secondly, I buy or make my own protein shakes and smoothies. I want him to have the nutrients that comes from the food, so I juice it. When all else fails, I let him eat when he is hungry. Sometimes I break the "have to sit at table" rule, and let him "walk around" with his food or take it where he is. Don't make dinner time a fuss, he will only hate it more.

One thing I do that has helped, is I make things I know a 3 yr old will like.
Meaning I don't make exotic, spicy, weird food etc.
I make normal things that kids like so that my SD will like it too.
At your son's age, their tastebuds are very sensitiv & change every 3
months or so. Meaning what they liked 3 weeks ago, won't necessarily
taste good to them now. It's everchanging.
Never send a kid to bed hungry or w/o food. That's why he's waking in the
middle of the night. I do not know one adult that puts themselves to bed
hungry esp because they didn't like the food.
Be kind and work WITH him instead of against him & you'll find the world
is an easier place for everyone.
It's not coddling him, it's just common sense.
Also, I adjusted dinner time so it wasn't too late for him w/a healthy-ish
snack before bedtime.
My husband was getting home soooo late from work so my little one & I
ate w/o him. Or my son did & I ate w/him when he got home late. I can
wait. My son couldn't. It made a huge difference.
You don't have to be a short order cook but you do need to make sure your child eats so do what you know works (making kid-friendly foods @ a decent time).
You can't do no snacks after lunch AND "delaying" dinner (having a late
dinner).
But you can provide light healthy snacks in between like carrots, celery w/
peanut butter, hummus & crackers, cheese & crackers etc.
Little ones graze during the day due to their smaller tummies (they fill up
fast then get hungry again soon). Mainly they eat more often
throughout the day than we do.

This is t going to be a popular answer but, my son has his own menu to choose from. He can pick whatever he wants off it OR eat what I make for dinner. Yea it's a little extra work but to me it's not worth the fight. And I'm not a fan of forcing kids to eat what they don't want to or don't like. I wouldn't be forced to eat what a waiter picks at a resturant so I don't expect my children to.

he is absolutely normal.. kids eat breakfast..(the same 2 or 3 things that thety like for breakfast) they eat lunch.. ( the same 2 or 3 thinhgs they like for lunch)

They are not hungry this time of day.. therer are too many different food items served at dinner.. (not the peanut butter sandwich they always eat for lunch every single day)

they do not eat dinner.. I do not fight this battle..you are wasting your energy.. in a couple of years he will be past this stage and will eat dinner.

do not stress.. you are going to give him food issues with all of this begging and pleading and coaxing to eat ...

when my daughter was this age.. we found the more attention we gave to her eating .. the less she ate.. I totally ignored her eating and she ate fine.. however.. do not offer yummy cookie snacks for folks that don't eat dinner

I really think he is doing this at least partly for attention. stop the attention.. stop the behavior.. I have never sent my kids to time out at dinner.. they eat or not.. if they don't eat they leave the table.