Strong Will, Directing and Positive Reinforcement

You've gotten a lot of good advice already, but the key thing I see here which works is choices, choices, choices. My 3 year old daughter is the most strong willed child me or any of my relatives have ever seen. So I was at my wits end on how to deal with her and attended a parenting with Love and Logic class offered through my older son's school district. Wow - what a difference it has made in the quality of our lives. I don't yell anymore at them (well, I can't lie on rare occasions I still have). Their theory has many different aspects: 1. Give LOTS of choices to the child so that they can feel in control - white shirt or red shirt, socks first or shorts, brush teeth first or comb hair, banana or orange, fruit bar or bagel, Elmo plate or green plate - AND that is all of the decisions they need to make just before breakfast! 2. Give genuine empathy to the child before you deliver the consequence of their misbehavior - Uh oh, how sad that you decided to smash your banana instead of eat it, I was looking forward to eating a nice breakfast with you. And then you send them to their room (or carry them to their room) and tell them you'll see them when they are sweet. You can let them out when they really are sweet and calmed down and you are calm as well. 3. Have the child figure out how to solve their own problems - Mom, I can't find my new shoes. Your response would then be, well, what are you going to do about it? If they can't come up with solutions then ask if they want to hear what other kids have done and give them 3 solutions and their outcome 1) Don't wear shoes at all - but then once they got to the restaurant they had a sign that said no shirt, no shoes, no service so he couldn't go in and eat.2)Spend 20 minutes looking for the shoes they wanted, but then they got to the restaurant and ate later than they wanted so they had to miss their bedtime story cause they didn't have time 3) Pick another pair of shoes that are handy, they might not have matched but no one noticed and they got to the restaurant with plenty of time and got to have desert. After each choice then ask "How would that work for you". And then tell them good luck.
Okay, I just realized I really rambled on and on - but I seriously learned so much from the class I took. It taught me to be happier and calmer as a parent, and as a result my kids are happier too. Please go to their website loveandlogic.com and peruse through the books and CDs that they have and pick one up! I recommend the book specifically for toddlers.

One last note, I tried the sticker type chart with magnets for my daughter and it she couldn't have cared less. She didn't want rewards, she just wanted to be in control of her own destiny. Doesn't everyone?

Good luck ~ K.

I was in the same boat with my first 2. It sounds like you are doing the right things. I found the "threes'much worse than the "twos" and I have to say. Pick your battles. And sometimes, it will be a battle. I think time will take care of some of it. At four and a half almost 5 they seem to even out a little. The only thing I found that really worked besides remaining consistent with everything including a schedule and sleep was run to their little butts off until they are exhausted. It gives them less energy to fight you. :)

I would strongly encourage the Positive Discipline book series by Jane Nelsen. Most libraries carry them or you can order online.
Hope this helps!

Alot of great advice! I also have a very willful 3 year old boy. We tried the sticker chart and it did not work for us. But every child is different and you should try it. I think we are going to try it again as maybe we tried too young and he just did not understand delayed gratification at the time. I am a very big fan of a book about discipline called "1,2,3 Magic". I would really recommend it. The book helps deal with disciplining without squashing their spirit. Good luck!

I had similar issues a year ago when my son was 3. He didn't really care about what he wore, etc., so giving him choices didn't work too great. He would choose, but I still had the problem. I found that over time it got better. I tried to focus more time with just me and him and I tried to praise him positively whenever he did anything good. He was getting so much positive attention that it really helped to turn him around. I also used the time out chair a lot. I doubled the time though, because 3 minutes just didn't work well. There were days where he was in the chair all day it seemed, but anytime he did anything really bad (pick your battles) he was in the time out chair. I had the worst problems when we went shopping. Before I would not let him win and I would continue through a store even though he would through a tantrum. Well, then I stopped that and told him we had to go to the car until he calmed down. At first he was shocked that I actually did it. So, it didn't take long for him to understand that I meant business and that he needed to be nice and stop tantruming so much. He is now 4 and I haven't seen a tantrum in a while. He started preschool and that helped tremendously. Good luck!

I also have 2 boys ages 1 & 3. My 1 year old seems to be more strong willed than my 3 year old by nature, but the 3 year old does like things how he likes them and asserts his independence...part of being 3 I guess. :) What helps with him is giving him choices, as small as the choice may be. So maybe getting out the door, things like what shoes do you want to wear (if it really doesn't matter like going to the store...my 3 year old still chooses his snow boots quite a bit in this 70 & 80 degree weather, but he chose them so he loves it), do you want to go out the door first or do you want me to help your little brother out first. Little things like that make a big difference to him, allowing him to make decisions and such. When he starts to refuse things he needs to do and such, I give him a choice with something related and all of a sudden he wants to do what I want him to do in his own little way by the decison he made. Lessens the battles, helps him to happily obey and shows him that his opinion matters. Don't know if this might help, but just a little something that helps my 3 year old son quite a bit.

I feel your pain. I have a 3 year old and a one year old myself. My son, too, is very strong willed. For me mornings are especially hard trying to get two kids up and dressed for Kindercare. What works for me is giving him choices instead of just telling him. For example.. When I wake him up I ask him if he wants the Tickle monster or the kissing monster to wake him up. He picks and the tickle monster will tickle him til he wakes up. He then is laughing. Next I say should we put on this shirt with nemo or this shirt with scooby doo etc.. He thinks he is charge that way. Reverse pschology is great. Although he is smart enough where sometimes he uses it on me.
good luck