Stranger Danger - Bell,CA

Please *don't* teach children about stranger danger. Read Lenore Skenazy's book "Free-Range Kids" for all the statistics to back it up.

Long story short: the people most likely to harm your children are people they know. The people most likely to help your children are strangers. Children have died because they hid from rescuers, too afraid of "strangers" to allow anyone to help them.

I teach my kids that groups are generally safer than isolation. I teach them that I should *always* know where they are and who they're with. Anyone who wants them to go to a secret place and not tell anyone probably does not have their best interests in mind. This is true whether it is a stranger, a relative, a teacher, or another child.

I also encourage kids to talk to people in public. We practice reading body language and getting some experience of who is open and friendly vs. who is erratic and/or cranky. These are skills they need to practice. These are skills that serve them well. If they are ever lost, injured, or scared, they need to be able to identify who is most likely to be helpful, walk up to them, and ask for help.

This means that the next time they get lost at the department store, they are comfortable enough to go up to an adult and say "I lost my mommy. Will you help me find her?" instead of hiding in the middle of a clothing rack.

I also encourage my kids to trust their instincts and be willing to challenge adults if necessary. If they feel that someone is unsafe or mean, they are trained and willing to go to another adult for help.

I will note that kids who are always willing to go to a higher authority can be a bit of a pain. My 6 year old called 911 to complain to the police that I was making him do chores! We had to clarify that he could complain to the police only if there was a *safety* problem. But it was all worked out. And I was glad to know that he was willing and able to call 911 if necessary.

The only time we discuss "strangers" is when we discuss courtesy. We give strangers more physical space and are always extra-polite with people we don't know. This is because most strangers feel uncomfortable when a three year old walks up to them and says "That's such a pretty purse. Can you show me what you have inside? How much money are you carrying? Do you have any credit cards? Can I count them?" I also teach my kids not to snuggle with strangers, because it usually makes them very uncomfortable. Though my primary goal in this is simply courtesy, it also helps kids get used to the idea of appropriate physical and emotional boundaries with strangers. In this way, kids learn to recognize that overly friendly behavior from an adult is odd, and worthy of mentioning to another adult.

So a summary:
1. No secrets.
2. Be willing to talk to people and ask for help.
3. If an adult or kid is making you feel weird, uncomfortable, or unsafe, find another adult and ask for help.
4. Give people you don't know extra space, because getting too close tends to make people uncomfortable.

www.thesafeside.com

My daughters absolutely love this video. It's created by Julie Clark, the creator of Baby Einstein, and sponsored by John Walsh (of America's Most Wanted). It teaches your child about stranger danger and it's very entertaining for them. My kids watch it all the time for fun (they are ages 4 & 7, and we've had the video for a few years).

My daughters now know what to do in various situations, which gives me great peace of mind!

We also do a lot of role playing in our house. I will pretend I'm a stranger and we will 'act out' a scenario. We also do fire drills, tornado drills, etc.

We are just super honest with them. My son is the same as your daughter. He talks to everyone and invites them to come with us on our walks and stuff like that. He's super social and loving.

I've had a sit down talk with them and told them how great it is that they like people and like to talk to them. But if anyone ever tries to make them follow them and leave us, that they shouldn't do it. I told them that there are bad people out there who will try to take children away from their parents and keep them so that they can never see their parents again. I said that often these people seem really nice and might have a treat or something fun that they'll want, but it's VERY important that they do not ever leave us. They need to stay in our line of sight so that people can't take them away. I told them what to do if anyone ever grabs them and runs away from them - they should fight and scream and scream that "this is not my mommy" and stuff like that.

Our kids were surprised that people do that and they would say things like "oh my gosh! really! they take kids?" but it wasnt' something that has scared them or make them paranoid. It's just made them aware of the reality of life when it comes to this. My son hasn't become less social because of it. He still talks to everyone. He's just aware now. So, that's what I suggest - tell her the reality of the situation so she understands the importance of never leaving you and going with someone she doesn't know...or anyone she DOES know, without asking you first.

We taught our kids to not talk to anyone they didn't know unless they were with a grown up they knew. The definition of grown up is a bit lax in that it could mean the older kid we know we can trust that's in charge while they play in the playground while the adults are sitting near by visiting or something while at a group activity. We taught them to never take something from someone they didn't know unless the grown up said it was OK.
We had to be a little blunt with our oldest finally because he just didn't get it. We did have to come right out and tell him that most people are really nice people but sometimes there might be someone who wants to hurt you and since you don't know you have to be safe.

We have the safe side video too and my kids love it! It's entertaining yet teaches them a lot!

There's a terrific DVD out there associated with John Walsh called The Safe Side. It does a super job of teaching kids safety around strangers without being scary. In fact, there's a lot of humor to it. Both of our kids enjoyed it.

My daughter is 4 now and I talk to her every day about it. I couple it with teaching her full name, our names and where we live (state and city). I started doing this the day after I tried the 'hide if they wander' technique. Where if you're in the store and they wander off you follow them, but hide and see how they react. I followed her around the store for 30mins and she didn't even notice I wasn't with her. She was more then happy to wander around and chat with strangers. I knew then I had to take precautions.

Every few days I ask her out of the blue what her name is, what our names are, where she lives. It's like a game, I keep it light, no heavy sit down or long talk. I've added asking her if someone comes up to her that she doesn't know comes to her and tries to get her to go with them what does she do. She's catching on finally.

Good luck.

I have run into this problem with my almost 5 year old. She is a bright, outgoing child that loves to tell everyone about her day. Unfortunately she would have an entire conversation with the stranger next to us at the grocery store if I let her. There are people I don't mind her talking to that I may not know like anyone from church (we are fairly new to our church so we don't know everyone yet). I have told her that she can speak with other kids on the playground but she is not to leave the playground without me or daddy. At stores she can only speak to the people that work there - for instance we tell her that the only people she can talk to at Home Depot are the people wearing the orange aprons or the red shirts with nametags at Target. If I give her someone she can talk to then she is less likely to talk to someone she shouldn't. We also have a safety word. It's a secret work that only people who are allowed to take her places can say. They have to give her the word and she will know its okay. We did this for school one day because of an incident involving a custody issue at one of the other campuses. She can't even go with the grandparents unless they give the secret word and it in her school file as well. We've never had to use it but will change it whenever we do. Treats are a no-no without express permission from us and she know she will lose massive priveledges if she takes anything without asking.

I would also recommend checking out www.safelyeverafter.com. Patti Fitzgerald is the owner and speaker and she talks to parents and children on "Tricky People" and just has great things to help parents not be so paranoid, because she teaches you what to look for and she teaches kids without instilling a fear of the world, but just keeping safe. She does talks, and can also come to a group of people and do a presentation for kids and/or parents. I have been to it a couple of times (one in a mommy & me class, and one time on my own).

E.

teach her a "safe word" or phrase, so she knows that if the person doesnt know the safe word of phrase, she knows not to go with them. if you want to make certain that your child is always safe from someone whos intentions may not be what they seem, always make certain a family member or close friend is always available to the child, and you know where they are at all times. pedophiles are monsters but they are also pretty lazy, they are not going to hang around an always accompanied child,waiting for an oppurtunity, they are lazy, not stupid.
K. h.

Hello, N. If you see parents around the child maybe walk up to them and say,'' HI, im N. is this your child?'' , then you can probaly have some play dates!

I also recommend THE SAFE SIDE video. My husband ordered for our son when he was about 6 years old. It teaches them alot and keeps their attention. We also have role played and talked to our boys about strangers and what they should do.