Step-Mom To a 3 Year Old Girl and What to Call Me

If you are comfortable, I would talk to her biologic mother about the issue. I would feel that since she is alive and involved in her child's life, she gets to use the mommy title.

I have known my step-daughter since she was 3 and she calls me by my first name and that has worked for us. I can understand bio-mom's position. My husband hated that when his daugther's mother got married, his daughter called her step-father "Daddy J." We both thought it would have been more appropriate for her to have just called him by his first name.

My soon to be step sons call me by my first name. Their mom says they can choose what to call me, but cannot call me mom until they are old enough to make that decision (which to her is high school age). my daughter calls her soon to be step dad by his name, though sometimes reluctantly. she will occasionally refer to him as daddy, and what i think will happen down the road is she will call him daddy tim. I've talked to her real father about this, and he doesn't love it, but he knows tim is like a daddy to my daughter. he is with her day and and day out, and she only sees her real daddy every other weekend at best. she knows who is who, so its not like she thinks tim is her real daddy. but i can understand how her bio mom feels, because i'd freak if my daughter started calling another woman mommy.

Call me selfish, but if DH & I ever split up, I would feel insulted & hurt if my DD called another woman any variation of "mom". It's great that you love her so much, but I think you find an alternate name, out of respect.

My sisters' stepdaughters call her "Makua" - it's "mother" in Hawaiian (they are half hawaiian). Maybe you could come up with a name in another language that she has a connection to that means mother, but doesn't *sound* so much like "mom." Obviously, the bio mom is having a hard time sharing her motherly link to her daughter, and to be perfectly honest I would too! Try not to be too h*** o* the mom (even in your own thoughts), and just roll with it - sharing our children with other adults that we didn't choose to be in our child's life ourselves is VERY hard (sometimes physically painful).

Tough O.. My nephew called his Stepmother Mama Jen and that worked for them.

Do you talk to her mom? Do you have a good relationship? Can you discuss with her?

Maybe "B mama" wouldn't be so offensive to her?
Kind of hard to get a 3 year old to change without getting into her mom's selfishness.

When I first became a step mother my "girls" wanted to call me Mama N., they were 2 and 3 at the time. In looking back had their mother agreed it would have been best for all, but she had an absolute fit, so they just called me N.. Then fast forward 3 years when I am pregnant. At the time our communication with their mother was strained and when I was pregnant she did try to get the girls to feel left out saying it was only my baby. I just kept telling them it was our family's baby, just as much theirs as mine. My oldest step began to get upset that the new baby would be calling me Mommy, not N., but they weren't allowed to. It got her so upset that she began to refuse to go on visits with her mother (they live full time with my husband and I, just had every other weekend with their mother and a dinner during the week). We got her into counseling and all her stress turned out to be over wanting to call me Mommy and not being able to. She felt that she would be left out since the new baby would call me that and it was important for her to feel like she belonged. In light of that her mother finally relented. They call me Mommy and their birth mother Mama, that was 7 years ago and they are still consistent.
So, you are not alone and this is a very tenuous situation, the answer is different for every kid and every family. I can understand that her mother might feel hurt, and may even want to be sure your marriage will last. At the age of 3 understanding roles can be confusing. What she calls you may change over the years, but hopefully as she gets older her feeling on it will be considered.
Good luck!

How long has she been your step-daughter? As a mother going through a divorce right now if my kids started calling my ex's new wife or gf anything but by their first name. It would break my heart. It scares me reading this that someone may try to have my babies call them mama. I understand you love her and care for her and dont mean any harm. I'm just telling you from her moms point of view probably what is going on. I'd explain she only has one mama and that you are not her mommy and your name is......

I know this is a tough one especially if you have been around the little girl for awhile but I don't think kids should be instructed to call their step parents, Mommy, Daddy, Mommy A, Daddy B, Mom, Dad or any variation there of if their bio parent is living and involved in their life. I think it's a title you could grow into it and if she starts to call you Mom one day, then you come up with something non offensive. It's different if the bio parent has passed or is absent from their lives. My ex instructed our then 3 year old to call his new wife M. K. They were married within 6 months of our divorce and their marriage didn't last a year - so that was confusing for my daughter. My daughter calls my husband by his first name and my step kids call me by my first name. They have a wonderful bio mom so if they call me Mom by mistake, I correct them (they are adults now) and tell them it makes me feel good that they've come to think of me that way.

I'm a stepmom and dealt with this issue both as a stepmom and watching my husband go through being the bio parent. You may not be her mom, but you are her step-mom which is a very unique special role in her life... i think coming up with a unique special nick name (that doesn't hurt anyone's feelings) is important. Having her change what she calls you now isn't going to hurt her feelings at this age.

My stepdaughter has called me mom a few times over the last 10 yrs and i've always discouraged it (she usually calls me JoJo). Kids will be comfortable calling you whatever you lead them to call you, it doesn't have to be your stepdaughter's choice and telling her she can't call you something is NOT going to scar her for life if you handle it right. I always just said "that's not my name sillly" and kept it light. It's all in how you address it - I think if the parents make a big deal about it and let the child know what adult drama is going on, it will stress the child... if you act like you're upset about it, or pin it on her mother, or act like you don't agree - that's when she might get upset about it too... but really in the big scheme of things it's just a name, not the biggest deal! So why add extra stress to your stepdaughter an already broken family? My stepdaughter and I have a great relationship, and a title or a name didn't make or break that.

She does call her mom's husband Daddy and I see how much it deeply hurts my husband... when she was a young girl, my husband was "Daddy" and she was encouraged by her mom to call her stepfather "Dada" (even with early protests from my husband, who maturely sucked it up because she wouldn't bend on it & he didn't want to confuse his daughter), this variant didn't last long and they soon were both just Daddy. I read the other mom's responses saying that it means the parent is insecure, etc... but my stepdaughter knows who her daddy is and he's not worried about that - the bottom line is it hurts my husband when his little girl calls another man daddy. Nothing to do with insecurity. I can't imagine many parents that would want to share that name with someone else, especially an old ex's new flame. I think it would be VERY difficult for me to hear my kids call another woman mommy (or any variant), and its not that i'd be insecure in my relationship with them, its just that I am their mom!

Bottom line, everyone will give you different answers, but she is her mother and I kinda see where it is a special name that, out of respect, should be reserved for the bio parents in a blended family as long as they are still involved in the child's life. Plus in blended families you have to pick your battles with the other adults, is this really worth having bad blood over?

Good luck! :)

i think she should call you by your name, especially since her mom has an issue with it. respect that bond between her and her mother.

I honestly think it depends on how much time she spends with you... When my dad remarried, we actually called my step mom "Mom", because SHE was the one who was the mother to us. My birth mom had walked out of our lives... After my sister was killed, she decided she wanted to see us again so we just had 2 "Moms". BUT HER husband, our step dad, was always called Bill.

I honestly don't see anything wrong with Mama B., because it's not like you are stealing the "Mommy" title from her mom... but if her mother is involved in her life (and it sounds like she is) I can see why she would feel insulted. It's her right to want any form of 'Mom' to herself, because she IS the one who carried and gave birth to her DD... regardless of how much you love the DD too. Maybe you can come up with an alternative nickname, like 'BB' or something for her to call you.

How long have you been married to your husband? It could also be an issue of time... If it's been less than a year or so I would be annoyed at my kid calling someone else any variation of mom too. It took us almost 3 years to start calling my step mom 'Mom', and like I said she IS the one acted as our mom...

Maybe you just need to give it more time. In a few years, your step daughter will be old enough to understand the reasoning behind the names, and will be able to make her own decisions. When she asks why she can't call you 'Mommy', you could just tell her "I really really love you, and I really really love your daddy, but your Mommy is your Mommy. So I am ______" (whatever name ya'll decide you can go by...)

Why don't you let her call you Mommy or Mama B? I don't understand.

As a step-MOTHER, you are a mother to her. You should be honored that she wants to call you mommy. Stop hurting her feelings and let her call you mommy. That bond will serve you well when she's a teenager.

If she wants to call you mommy so much, maybe you are a better mother than that other woman. Please let her call you mommy.

I have to step children myself. I always had them call me by my name. Not a big deal.

I have been in my step-kids life since they were 1 and 2. They normally call me by first name, but they do call me Mommy too on occassion. I don't correct them and figure they can pick what they want to call me as long as it is appropriate. Everntually the kids will decide any how.

My step son calls me by my first name. I have only been in his life for 1 year now and he is 15.

I would recommend trying to come to some consensus inside yourself about what alternative name she can call you. Also her father should be involved if you and her mother aren't on particularly speaking terms.

It's hard but all the adults shouldn't be selfish or emotional. Love in abundance is what this little one is pouring out and she has enough for both you and her mom. I just appreciate how you are showering her with unconditional love. She will need both M.'s as she grows up. The teen years are going to be hard by the sheer nature of them but knowing she has a village of moms to turn to in her bio mom and you will make a great difference.

For me it wouldn't be that big of a deal. My son's first teacher was often called mommy by him and she was of a different race than us but I wasn't offended. I felt so happy he felt that kind of comfort around her. What struck me as funny was when he called me by her teaching name. I again wasn't offended. That's just my way though but I know it can be hard.

There is a great movie I think it is called Step mom starring Susan Serrandon and Julia Roberts. I would suggest watching that and you may get a better sense of the personal pain her mom must be feeling.

Talk to the Mother. See what you guys can come up with together. My SD's Mom encourages her to call me Mom. I am ok with whatever my SD wants and what her Mother is comfortable with.

Is this something you can discuss with your husband (since he is your stepdaughter's father) and either involve the girl's mother, or have him talk with her if you can't? I know you mean well, but often moms get irked when their child decides to call someone else mom in any capacity - my daughter is 3 and considering what I've gone through being pregnant, the baby years, the toddler years, how much work is involved in raising her, sacrifices, lost sleep, etc. I would probably be hurt too if her dad and I split and he got involved with someone else and she started referring to that woman with any kind of "mom" name. Especially if that woman did not ever have any kids herself. I am a stepmom too, so I do see both sides of it, but I met my stepsons when they were 5 and 6 and they just always called me by my first name - I did not expect them to call me anything else. Their mother also got a new boyfriend and had him move in with them almost as soon as they had split (we didn't meet until a year later) and almost right away the boys were referring to the boyfriend as "their new daddy" and "Daddy Joe" - DH was really hurt and upset by this. Maybe just your first name, or some other entirely special name would be better. I've also found over the years that whenever there was a conflict between me and their mother, it was best to let their dad handle it.

I'm rather teary-eyed over the fact that your step-daughter loves you so much that she wants to call you a form of "Mommy" recognizing that you're a mother figure to her. I'm also teary-eyed because you're so very respectful of her biological mother. You sound like a wonderful step-mother and "your husband's ex's daughter's step-mom." ;-)

If you're on good terms with the mother, I would ask her what she's comfortable with and let her know that you'd like her input as to what to choose. I'm not entirely sure that this should go through your husband, but that the mother in this instance deserves the respect and direct communication to work things out with you. Then you can both talk to the girl at the same time with the proper way to address you and she won't be confused.

If she accidentally calls you Mommy or M. B or some other variant, especially when she's older, I probably wouldn't correct even in front of her mother since her mother will do the correcting for you.

Put it in your husband's hands.

I've been the birth parent on both sides (I got married when ds was 2, and his biodad got married when ds was... 5-ish?). Let the bios work it out, really.

Stepmothers ARE mothers also - when your step daughter is with you, you are acting as mother to her. She is 3, 3 years old children see adult women who take care of them as mothers.

Unfortunately, it sounds like her bio mom has issues with *anyone* being called Mommy - or maybe just you, her Ex's new wife, bring called Mommy.

Your Hubby needs to step in and have a talk with his Ex-wife...explaining that she is just confusing their daughter, and that you are a 2nd Mother figure to the child.

For the record, I think it is wonderful that you are there for your step daughter.

Good Luck and God Bless

She is your step-DAUGHTER. Why shouldn't she call you mom? These days so many children come from "broken families" and everyone is always trying to make things easy for the child, but then get upset over stupid little things like this. Because it hurts their feelings. Get over it! You are the adults. The kid is only 3! Let her call you whatever she wants!

my use to call me by my name what does her dad think its late to change now should have been discussed earlier with her mom

I myself am a step-mother of 2, so this is a very gray area. My s-son is now 15, but from the day my husband and I got married he has called me mom. He asked me on our wedding night if he could call me mom, I said you can call me whatever you want too (within reason-I'm sure he would choose some not so nice words now being a teenager). My step-daughter was 3 going on 4 when we got married. She is very close to her mother, doesn't really remember her mom and dad living together, so obviously she is more comfortable with her mother. She at one point tried to start calling me mom, did in front of her mother (I think over the phone) and she being a child could immediately feel the tension in the air from her mother. I don't think you need to force anything on her as far as what to call you or what not to call you. Not sure how your relationship is with the mother, mine is not awful, but lets just say her and I are very different people. I think you have to let the kids feel comfortable with this new situation in their new family. Very good point saying to her how lucky she is to have so many people that love her. I used that same line, you have 3 parents that love you and a lot of kids only have 2. Hopefully the mother can be understanding with the daughter to help her as well through this transition and not make her feel uncomfortable. Like I said you being the step parent you support the child in what is comfortable for her, and she is only 3. She doesn't understand the whole dynamic of it, I think if she wants to call you mom there is a great deal of comfort she feels in you. If her mother wants to get mad at her for her calling you mom then try to talk to the mom and voice your side of how you just want to support her with all of this change.
Being a step parent is the hardest thing in the world, I watched my mom do it growing up, then I became one. I think you just have to keep your focus on the child and make them feel as comfortable as possible and help them to not get wrapped in the adult stuff too.
Hope this made sense!!
Good luck!

I think that this is two-fold. Your stepdaughter feels comfortable enough with you to call you some version of Mom and you are being sensitive to her mother by suggesting a variant.

I would talk to your husband. It may be one of those things where she learns to call you by first name when at her mom's house but Momma B. when she's with you and DH. Step-dynamics can be hard even when there are no name quandaries. I think that should it come up again, DH should talk to BM about how this is SD's choice and while you and DH respect her and she will ALWAYS be SD's Mom, it is also hurtful to SD to shame her choice of nickname for someone else she cares about. You could also suggest "mom" in another language so it's farther from "Momma".

I'm not saying I'd be thrilled if my daughter called another woman Mom someday (it actually stung when SS called a friend's mom "Mom" and I still just got my first name) but if it wasn't forced, I'd work to get over it. Whatever your name, it sounds like you have a good relationship with your SD. :)

She is calling you what she wants to call you. You don't have an issue with it and she obviously want to call you momma B and since you are her step-mom it sounds reasonable to me. Sounds like her mom is the one creating the problem for your little step- daughter. So sad.

In my opinion moms who have a problem with their kids calling their step moms "mom" only show a huge insecurity in themselves and their relationships with their kids. I'm a step mom and my kids have a step mom. I have told them if they want to call their step mom "mom", they can. You know why? Because she is the MOM IN HER OWN HOUSE AND SHE MOTHERS MY KIDS WHEN I"M NOT THERE!!! However, they call her Gina. My own step daughter calls me mama but she is spec needs so she calls ALL moms mama! My ex practically threatened our kids to NOT call my husband "dad". He had them so stressed out about it it made me sick. So they call him Jason but really they are comfortable in their relationship and its not an issue. Your SD is only 3 so I would not stress her out about this. I would ask her "what do you want to call me?" and go with whatever she says. When she gets older she will understand more. And ask you hubby to speak to the ex and ask her not to put this extra stress on a little child that doesn't understand any of the BS the adults are dealing with. Good luck!!!

Let her call you what SHE is comfortable calling you. My step-kids have always just called me by my first name.

it's a pity that the bio mom feels threatened by 'M. B', which seems like a nice compromise to me, with the added benefit that it was SD's idea. however, i think the mom should get a say, and if she's uncomfortable with it, her wishes should be honored, at least up to a point. what does she want her daughter to call you?
i was very resentful of my SM for my teenage years and we all (4 brothers and me) called her by her first name. as an adult i have grown very close to her, and she is now 'mumsie', which is sufficiently different from 'mom' which is what we called my mother and yet still confers mom-ship upon her.
it would probably be best to have a conversation with bio-mom and abide by her wishes so long as they're not completely unreasonable.
khairete
S.

I think most kids call stepparents by their first names. That's what I'd expect if I was a step parent or if my kids had a step parent. I understand that the mom would be offended if the child called you Mommy or Mama anything! If you pointed out that she has only one mother, than your name should not be one of a mother. She may want to call you mommy also, but it's important for her to know that while you are family and you love her, you are not her mother and not an equivilent to her mother.