Step-Daughter Manipulates

I dont know if this is an option or not but my best friend has 2 step daughters and is going through the same thing and even her own kids are feeling the effects of it now. She told the hubby that if he wasnt going to be on her side and supportive of her he had 2 other choices, she could leave and take the 2 kids they have together cause they are being effected by the whole thing or 2 he would have to find "day care" for them elsewhere and that she refused to be alone with them ever if it was going to be such a battle over everything including with him over the girls "say-sos". The last thing she wants is the kids she has now to learn its ok to disrespect her and not take her seriously. Well when he realized that hed either loose his wife and kids or have to pay for daycare for 2 kids he began to be a lot more supportive of his wife real quick. :)

Dear H.,

Step-parenting is hard enough ... stepmother to an adolescent girl is the worst! I've been there twice, unsuccessfully, and I understand. So I have no magic, just a bit of direction and some questions you need to ask yourself.

1) Get counseling ASAP. Find a therapist who has training and experience in stepfamily issues. (That doesn't guarantee they'll be great, however. And if you don't "click" with one therapist, remember, you're always free to try another.) You'll probably need individual, couples, and family counseling. If your husband won't go, go by yourself. And ask yourself if you need to be with someone who won't work on making things better.

2) Work on your own base of power. Do you need to stay at home for a twelve-year-old? Could you find a job instead? Sounds like your stepdaughter doesn't appreciate having you home. And at 12, she's old enough to be on her own for a couple hours. If you get a job, you'll be with other adults, and treated like one (we hope!) Best of all, you'll have money, which equals independence. Save it! Right now, you may feel trapped. You need the feeling of knowing you can leave -- for a few days, or for good.

3) For now, get out of the equation. You can't possibly win in your dealings with the daughter, so is it possible to temporarily withdraw? e.i., have her father decide her responsibilities and also be the one who checks up on them? (For example, loading the dishwasher ... if she doesn't, and he doesn't catch it, don't nag her and mention it to him. So there aren't enough clean dishes? Eat pizza on paper plates.)

You may feel as if you're giving up your responsibilities or control, but it sounds as if you've already lost this. You've become the "bad guy", the one they can blame for everything. Why not step away from a conflict you can never win?

Honestly, if it were me, I'd consider going away BY MYSELF on a nice vacation for at least a week ... to a spa if money permitted, or else to visit a family member. You need the break, and it might do your your husband and stepdaughter some good to see how tough life is without you. They may find they need you, and thus be more willing to work things out.

For some quick help, I'm sure there are lots of books and internet sites out there. I believe there's an American Stepfamily Association. But nothing can work until a few basic ground rules are in place between you and your husband.
-- NO LYING. You have to be able trust him. And if he won't take your word over his daughter's ... why would you stay? Your daughter's lying will also have to be dealt with -- by him -- so it stops being profitable.
-- You and your husband are a team. You have to both be dedicated to making the marriage work. And of course, you have to have a united front when it comes to his daughter. If she can keep splitting you apart ... well, she wins.

As I'm sure you've realized, there are no short-term fixes for your problem. And it is an agonizing one! Please keep us posted. And if you want to contact me, I'm always here to listen.

W.

It sounds like she has driven a wedge in between you and your hubby. That does not sound good. I have a step daughter too age 15 but I do not call her that as her mom has been deceased for 11 years now. I did adopt her but there is still that connection that we do not have like I have with my other two bio daughters. I do consider her my daughter though and have never introduced her as such.

When a child comes between a husband and wife it can very devastating. You are probably getting resentful too.

The only thing that I can suggest is go to counseling. I know it is a difficult situation because she tries to get in between my husband and me. Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not. Yeah he takes her side sometimes but is very fair most of the time. I think he feels guilty that her biological mother is not here and I am the one who is dishing out the chores, the yelling or telling what her to do, etc.

I can feel for you. If things don't get better, I would get out of the situation. If you think it is repairable, then go for it. She will always be in your lives and nothing can change that just remember that. Do you want a life like that.

Fortunately my husband is a wonderful hubby. Yeah we have our days of ups and downs but we have mostly ups. We have big blow outs here because I think that my 15 yo resents me for being here and not her real mom.

I really cannot give you any sound advice. I can just give you a shoulder or an ear. Hopefully this is helpful.

We went to counseling too but I felt that I was always pointed as the bad guy. Because my 15 yo comes off as this sweet person and has the PMS syndrome (poor me syndrome) which she plays up very nicely and I don't give her that opportunity with me. It sounds heartless but I am not a heartless person but she cannot live on that crutch forever. Sometimes you just have to pick yourself up from your bootstraps, dust yourself off and keep on going. She dwells too much on what could have been and not on what is happening right now in her life.

Sorry but that is the only advice I can tell you.

I have two 11 year old step daughters of my own (I've been raising them for the past 6 years). They are at an age where they are becomming very difficult (step - or non). What you need is for your husband to back you up 100%. You guys need to be on the same team. If he is not willing to do so then it will not work.
May I ask where her mother is?

H. - you are in a very tough spot. It is a fine line that stepparents have to walk when it comes to stepchildren.

First and foremost you have to get your husband to work with you as a team. Without his support, you are fighting a losing battle.

Second, you need to remember that whether or not your are her "mother" is irrelevant since she is living in your house and should abide by the same rules - meaning to respect all who live there.

Third, if your husband will not support you and your step daughter will not respect you then you need to inform him that you will not be alone with her at any time. He will need to either change his work schedule so he is there to make sure that she gets to school, is there when she comes home from school, is there all weekend when she is there or arrange for a babysitter if he cannot. There will be NO time that you will be alone with her to be disrespected by her.

I don't know if you are planning on children together, but you want to make sure that they do not see how she treats you as the way they should treat you.

my suggestion is this get a small tape recorder and keep it in your pocket don't let her know you have it get familar with it like where the record button is and record her then show the tape and play it for your husband then when he can't deny it tell him you want a full appology from both of them and also tell him that his daughter is playing one parent against the other and he's falling for it if he says anything about the tape tell him you had no choice since you won't believe anything i tell you. tell him when he's ready to actually talk about this to find a solution that you are there.put the ball in his court so to speak.

Hello H.. i feel for you, trust me lol. im a step-mom to 3 kids, an 11 year old girl who hates the ground i walk on and 2 boys ages 7 and 6 who love me to death. plus i have a 2 year old little girl of my own. being a step mother can be very had. my step daughter, lies, dont listen to anything i tell her. she tells me that im not her mother so she dont have to do anything i say and she dont have to listen to me. i have tried to be her friend. tell her that if she ever needs anything she can come to me. but she dont want to hear it. my husband and myself have told her many times , im not tryin to take her moms place but when her father is not around, she needs to listen to me. it goes in 1 ear an out the other. she tries to cause fights between me an her father ALL THE TIME. what you need is ALOT of support from your husband. your husbands needs to back you up 100% no matter what. she needs to realize that your the other parent in the house. not to long ago i left a response on here, pretty much like yours today, and i got alot of good advice from other moms in here. they helped me out alot. im not sayin that life in my house is 100% better but its slowly getting there lol. i sat down with my husband an let him know how i felt an told him he needed to back me up, because if he dont, then its goin to get worse. he needs to let her know that your here an your not goin anywhere. well i hope i helped you like other moms in here helped me. if you want you can go back an look at some advice i got from moms on here. just know your not the only one with this problem lol. good luck to you!!!!!!!!!

Could you please pass on any advice you get back to me?
Thanks

My step-daughter was 16 and behaving the same way. My husband believed her too. I finally hacked into her myspace and prooved it to him. She was telling people that her efforts were working, that we were arguing about it all the time. She was asking for more ideas because I was beginning to catch on to the old ones. He then saw it. You have to fight for your family if that means hidden camara well then so be it. If the man is confused you have got to clear it up for him with video. One more thing that I would like to add. If you don't know what to do make sure that no one catches on to that. You have to stand up and take charge, my home, my family, my husband. I do not want contention in my home and I won't have it. Thinking this way will help relieve the feeling of guilt while setting up the camara (LOL). Take charge mom this is your home, take it back. The whole family will be better off for it.

Hi H.,
Step children can be harry, I have 2 step children,
a girl and a boy, the girl was tougher,
I suggest you talk to your husband about your feelings, and find out what he wants, once the wedge is being created it is hard but not impossible to fix.
I found that trying to be there mom doesnt work, nor does being their friend, but acting as a family and treating everyone the same did. you and your hubby have to sit down and make ground rules. SHe is at the age where puberity set in and attitude too.
You and your hubby need to be on the same page with her, talk about things on your own, then all together as a family.
If you cant unite as one then you should go to Counceling.
Step kids can be hard, my step kids lived with me and my hubby too, we sat down at the table and said thid is how it is gonna be, WE are family, we can live together happy or not happy either way we are gonna stay together. Make her know she cant split you two up. your hubby has to stop taken sides, thats the 1st problem, if he continues that then it wont work. , but make sure you have your family meeting after you talk to the hubby and make a plan. and follow that plan that both you and your hubby agree on. you say you are the stay at home mom so you are the person who takes care of her the most, you should have the upperhand on things, make a plan of action, dicipline that both you and your husband agree on and stick with it.
It works.
make sure you add that it wont be tolerated for her to play one agianst the other, that has to stop now!
or nothing will work not even your marriage.
take care and god bless