Advice on Parenting with Controlling Father?

Wow, that's tough. Hire the best lawyer you can afford. Lean on your husband for support. We sometimes have to remind our husbands that we need them. Take one day at a time and stay positive, have the attitude that you will get them back because you are a fit mother and love them. If you do get visitation, try not to talk about their father at all, don't stoop down to his level, tell them that you love them all the time. Good luck, I will pray for you.

Hi,J.,
You are in a difficult position. I am a Gadsden-based attorney and wonder if your case is being heard in Etowah County. If so, I may have some insights if you don't mind telling me who your ex's attorney is and who the judge is-- some of these folks have "sweetheart" deals and if so, you are dealing with a political problem rather than a legal one. As for the move to Michigan, if you divorced recently, you are covered by the new law in Alabama which will not allow him to move more than sixty miles away without your consent or a hearing in which you object. I certainly won't give legal advice to a person who has a wonderful lawyer and I'm sure you do. However, I can provide some political insight if you want me to do so.
Prayers for you and your boys,

B.

J.,

I have worked for a child custody attorney for years and I would suggest that you get a good attorney and fight your ex. Unless there is something that he has against you that you didn't mention it sounds like you are a good mother and that you love your boys. You need to fight for your rights and let those boys know that you love them and you are fighting for them. I don't know where you are exactly located or what kind of money you have but you can call the local Bar Association and tell them that you need a child custody attorney and you can also ask about a Pro Bono attorney if you don't make a whole lot.

Joanna--

My advice is to pray. In a situation such as this just pray. Jesus has been the answer to all of your other problems he will answer this one. I will take you and your family up and in prayer and I know everything will work themselves out.

Oh my god, honey... What a horrible situation you are in. My sister has a very similar situation to yours.... She was married in the state of florida and has a 7 year old son with her ex. She is now remarried to a wonderful man here in Georgia. He is the father that my nephew never had.
His biological father was abusive in the very same way that your ex is.... he is currently $23,000 behind in child support, my sister had a horrible custody battle and divorce... He was only allowed supervised visits by the court and there was eventually a restraining order against him... He only showed up for visits for less than a year and then went AWOL for about one year.... Then for a few years he would show up at their home in Florida and make threats and make threatening phone calls, etc... He was never arrested for violating his restraining order, never consequenced for his lack of child support payments, etc... and after a 4 years... the devil reared his ugly head in Georgia.... Now he has been given supervised visitation back and that lasted only 6 months and now he has UNsupervised visitation starting next month.... it's scary... He has threatened to take my sister back to court for full custody and bring his son back to FLorida....
It's been a nightmare.....

I highly recommend you put a fire under your lawyer or get a new one... also - do some research online for advocacy groups for women in your situation.... I will be doing that with my sister soon.... I wish you luck - you'll need it...

Wow I am currently in this same type of situation, the courts are slow, they don't believe anything that I or my lawyer say, the hearings get delayed or rescheduled and it has been very expensive. It has been over two years. I have tried to stay in contact with my kids but my ex-husband cancels or delays scheduled visitations. Because of this my 14year old son thinks that I abandoned him and his grandparents are influencing that opinion. My 16year old daughter does not believe them and I have maintained contact with her.

Things have recently changed because my ex has been charged with sexual misconduct toward my daughter and I am now trying to get sole custody, I have a great lawyer who feels that I will be able to get custody but I have strong reservation against the MI court system. The grandparents have ostracized my daughter and are trying to adopt my son.

So it has been a difficult couple of years and I am hoping for the best, despite the odds.

Thank you for posting it really helps knowing that there are other woman who have or are going through the same custody issues. My faith has been shaken over the years but it has been renewed just knowing that I am not alone.

J. that is the saddest thing that could happen to a mother... I wish you all the luck in the world. I think maybe you should use the media for help. I would put pressure on everyone concerned. That always gets the courts attention. You are not getting a fair shake. I'm so sorry for that, I have 3 beautiful kids and I just could not imagine your pain.. Lots of Luck and I will pray for your family.. Trust in God and this will work out. L.

Hello J.!

My thoughts and prayers are with you in this horrible situation. However, I wanted to tell you, in some states, because your boys are 13 and 14, the courts are sometimes willing to listen to what the boys would want, as long as both situations they would live in would be a safe loving environment. I have a friend who's daughter opted out of some of her visitation with her father, because she turned 13 and she was missing out on so much during the summer, and the court allowed her to do so whether the father wanted it or not. Talk to your lawyer about having the judge re-look the entire situation. If indeed the father is planning to move, this move could upset their lives and cause emotional stress.

Regarding your husband's lawyer on the boys behalf, I believe your boys have the right to speak through both of your lawyers or a youth service. This sounds fishy to me...for lack of better words. It seems they are not being represented fairly if not heard on both sides. Talk to the boys about what they want to do. And then talk to your lawyer.

Have you thought about seeing a family conseler with your boys and new family? Not dad? These things look good to a family court. And they can help you be closer with your sons, finding out where they really want to be and knowing you love them. The conseler can also help them to learn to speak up for themselves, AGAINST the controlling dad, if need be. Knowing they have a right to say what they want and don't want. And knowing they will be safe with YOU whatever their feelings are.

Good luck. My prayers are with you. Take care and keep your head held high!

Lee

I agree you need to fight for them. Make sure they know that they love you. I'm from a broken home. The thing I remember is my dad talking bad about my mom and I hated it. I'm so close to my mom now b/c she never talked bad in return. You should not stoop down to your ex-husbands level be the bigger person and just fight for your kids and love them with all your heart.

Hello J.,
I can't say that my situation is the same but I do have a very controlling ex husband. I am now remarried and have a daughter with my husband today. My two sons who are from their father are manipulated every time they go and see their father since they were very small. My oldest son is now 13 and is living with his father b/c he got into drugs, defiance, etc. I think he has always starved for his father's attention. I just want you to know I don't have any answers for you and I wish so badly I did. I wish I had answers for myself. My son now is very distant from me. He refuses to come home on his weekends with me, and he doesn't speak to me on the phone. I try to go and see him and talk to him and he doesn't even look at me. I am sure his father has told him he doesn't have to see me ever again. I just want you to know that I think as long as you keep letting those boys know that you love them and you are always there for them no matter what then thats all you can do. Don't ever give up the fight. I know you probably feel the same way I do. I go and see him and I think why do I do this to myself? I end up crying all the time like I am mourning the loss of someone. I try to be strong for my daughter and other son I have at home. Its been a struggle and will continue to be one for the both of us I am sure. Just know that you are in my prayers and I hope that things work out for you and you can finally build up the relationship you had with your boys before. I think they are at a weird age anyway that is very defiant. Please know that there are others out there praying for you. Please keep me posted.

J.,
We have a family going through a divorce/ child custody battle in our church and it can get ugly. I will pray for you and your family! Lean on God, He will bring you through this. It may seem like He's not there, but He is. One day you may be able to help others through similar situations!

B.

J.,

My heart goes out to you. I have had a tough battle in court regarding my ex as well.

Unfortunately the only advice I can give you is this...

1. Check your parenting plan. If he intends to move he has to follow a certain procedure to do that. Also if you check your state laws regarding custody and visitation, it should also have the procedures regarding this. In TN, where I live the custodial parent has to send notice by certified mail 90 days prior to moving. During this time, you have the option of taking him to court if you contest the move.

2. Also, in TN Judge's usually frown upon having member's of the opposite sex staying overnight while the children are present.

Just a couple of things to speak to your attorney about. Hope this helps,
S. E.